£5.50

[PinotPony]

Ex and I split a couple of years ago. Very amicable and we've remained good friends. We still do "family" things like meals out with our two sons (16 and 12).

When we split, we agreed what he'd pay me in child maintenance - £500 a month. He takes home about £2500 so I knew it was broadly about right but we didn't calculate it in any particular detail. I just wanted enough to be able to stay in the house. We were not married so there's no spousal maintenance. I earn a similar amount.

We were fortunate that his mother gave him £150k towards a new property. I stayed in our house and he effectively has a charge on the property for his share of the equity which is to be paid to him when the youngest child leaves full time education. The children stay with him every Wednesday and EOW although we're fairly flexible about this.

Money has always been a problem between us. We disagreed about whether big payments for things like school trips or scout camp should be included within the monthly amount he pays. I thought he should contribute to them but he felt otherwise.

As growing boys, our sons need new clothes. I don't have any problem with buying what they need but, when I suggested to ex that he might buy the odd item of clothing, he said he'd do that if he could deduct £100 from my maintenance! I've had to buy things like extra deodorant and hair gel because the boys say they don't have any at his place. I've told him very clearly he needs to include these items in his weekly grocery shop as necessary.

Last month ex told me he intends to build a home gym at a cost of £6,000. He lives across the road from our local leisure centre! I managed not to roll my eyes too loudly. It's all BS and I suspect will never happen.

Now covid restrictions have started to lift, the boys are back at activities. Eldest decided he didn't want to return to Scouts. It costs £11 per month. I told ex. When I received my maintenance he'd deducted £5.50 and paid me £494.50!

I didn't shout or get shitty, just told him I was pretty disappointed that he was so tight with money. He just shrugged it off and said he thought it was fair. I thought he might change it back after our conversation but this month he's done the same.

£5.50 shouldn't bother me. It's not worth getting into a war. But I'm sooo pissed off about it. I feel like asking for his payslips so we can just do it all formally. I also feel like I don't want to spend any more time in the company of this selfish man who would send his kids to school in torn trousers than fork out for a new pair.

Any ideas on how to handle the situation? Read him the riot act or just let it go..?

All the competitive suffering on this thread is awful. OP, I see why this is so frustrating, and I would be concerned about this becoming a regular thing.
It's very arrogant of him to decide to reduce the payments, and so petty for such a small amount. I think you might have been too reasonable though, and made his life too easy. One person's reasonable co-parent is another person's malleable idiot. If he is prone to taking the piss or being high-handed, then distancing yourself would be a good idea.

Any ideas on how to handle the situation? Read him the riot act or just let it go..?

He's being very petty but to be honest, I wouldn't say anything as I suspect he just wants a reaction.

If you "read him the riot act", you risk him going via CMS and like a PP has said, you'll then end up receiving almost £100 per month less than you do now! Not really a risk I'd take if I were you.

It is very petty and may herald further pettiness to come. However I think it would be wise to let it go for now and be the bigger person.

To be honest I am not sure it isn't also petty to expect him to buy deodorant etc. From what you say they spend 4 days out of 14 with him. Presumably he doesn't supply shoes, pants, trousers etc for them to wear only at his house, so is it really that important that he supplies toiletries? Most people packing to spend a night away would take such items with them. (Though I get it is petty for him to actually refuse to supply them.)

Re the clubs - maybe better not to mention costs. Primarily you must be the one making the choice as to whether your children go to scouts etc on a particular day because it will mainly fall on the days they are with you and the arrangements need to be practical to fit in with your life. Even if you move mountains to get them to myriad activities, that's your choice and one he might not make in the same position.

Re school journeys etc (not sure if it was you OP or someone else who mentioned these), do you agree as parents that the child goes, or do you as the mother decide they will and then expect their dad to pay up half?

Basically as the parent they reside with you have a lot of cobtrol, whereas the non resident parent has far less.

Best to try to maintain the best possible relationship between the two of you and avoid these kinds of issues. Sounds like so far you have both done very well compared to many other families.

Is there an agreement for when the payments reduce/stop? Your eldest turns 18 in 2 yrs and that is not long.
Is ex going to still support his son living with you or expect him to get a job and fund himself.

You need to prepare for this as £4.50 is nothing to fight over when he may half his payment in 2 years

I don’t think you should rock the boat, as others have said, you could lose more. But bloody hell - I don’t think £500 out of £2500 should absolve him from paying for any more at all. 20% of your salary for your two kids is not a generous proportion. My DH used to give his whole pension of £500 to his ex for their kids, and we lived off my wage. And I wouldn’t have dreamed of not buying them everyday essentials like clothes or deodorant.

He's being petty but wouldn't rise to it, you'd get less through cms if that's his income, and he will probably get bored of being petty and stop if he doesn't get a reaction.

CMS all the way.
You made your arrangement years ago he will be earning way more now

Good grief! You both sound petty. The pair of you need to grow up and think about your children being stuck I'm the middle

YANBU, but I wouldn’t take him on about it, as you might end up with him paying less if you do it all officially.

My DP pays his ex more than CMS would calculate, but he pays what he thinks is fair, based on his ex’s income etc. Any big ticket items are split 50:50 between us and his ex. We also buy things for his son when he’s here, as though he lives with us full time.

Your ex sounds like a tight wanker. Anyone who has the thought process of taking £5.50 off a £500 payment is unlikely to ever be reasonable if you discuss it.

Yabu

i reckon hes pissed off that youve got the house and cant be made to sell it for another few years so is being petty.
Id ignore it, not ask for any extra for anything as you already get a decent amount, and stop discussing finances and purchases with him.
He doesnt need to know about stuff like scouts or the things they do on your time. If he wants to know about their lives he can ask them. If he doesnt want to buy them toiletries and clothes for his house, then thats between him and the kids. I dont see why youd need to buy it. Just tell the kids to ask their dad or they can take theirs with them when they go and then bring it back. If they are always short of stuff when they go there, then soon enough theyll vote with their feet and it will be his problem, not yours.
I think you just need to back off from it all. 5.50 is petty, but youre petty for rising to it.

Its petty but pick your battles
We certainly dont spend 25% of our take home income on our kids….

@LivingLaVidaCovid

CMS all the way. You made your arrangement years ago he will be earning way more now

No it doesn't. It should obviously, the cms system is unfair and crap.

I think he's paying a lot/fairly if you're both earning the same and he has the kids 1/4 of the time.

Gurn up. My ex gave me less than £70 per month and I don't even get that now. And I lost my job due to Covid. So personally I'd love my ex to hand me £494.50 a month to help me, whereas in reality I wouldn't get the £5.50 nevermind £494.50.

Other than frustrations about money, ex and I get on very well. So there's no problem with the children being "stuck in the middle" of arguing parents. When he collects the kids on a Wednesday, he'll stop for a cup of tea. I recently took him some dinners when he wasn't well. He mowed my lawn when I hurt my back. He's generally a nice guy. So I certainly wouldn't jeopardise that over £5.50.

I do have enough money to run the household and the boys activities. I make sure they have everything they need. Eldest has a paper round and is increasingly learning the value of money. He's bought his own Nike trainers for £90 this morning.

I do, however, think that we need to back away from discussing our finances with each other. As PP have said, he doesn't need to know if I'm paying for scouts or football or whatever. And I don't need to hear about how much money he made on crypto currency! So I'll make some changes there.

I guess I'm just wound up about the little things like me always taking them for a haircut because he won't spend the money even though he has the time to take them. But I recognise that, in the big scheme of things, it's not a huge deal and i probably just need to suck it up for the sake of a quiet life where we all rub along together ok.

@LivingLaVidaCovid

CMS all the way. You made your arrangement years ago he will be earning way more now

No, it was only two years ago so I doubt his income has changed much.

I don't want to change our arrangement. We're both content with the monthly amount of £500. It's the fact he took £5.50 off that's pissed me off, not because I need it but because it's just a dick thing to do.

@PinotPony I agree it was a massive dick move whichever way you look at it

@Jossbow

He's done it to provoke a reaction I guess.

Dont give him the satisfation.

very petty

Definitely this. Unlucky for you to have this wanker in your life but not much you can do about that now.

My dad thus ro my mom when they split. He paid the required amount, without fail from when I was 3 until I turned 18 but it was always to the penny. So, £196.46 every month. Couldn't he just round up to £200? It didn't make a material difference to us but it did tell me where we were in his priority list.

My dad did this...

My god this thread is depressing.

Who here with two teenagers only spends 20% of their monthly income keeping them fed, clothed, housed, activities, trips, birthdays, Christmas etc etc?

Are people honestly saying that 80% of their wage isn’t needed for these things? You must all be on a lot of money!

20% of his income with never any additional surprise expenses (broken tech, lost or damaged clothes, growth spurts, new shoes etc) is a bloody good deal and the pettiness is absolutely taking the piss. Regardless of the paltry rate set by CMS.

This is an argument in favour of CMS.

Unless the £500 came with an itemised list which said £x for food, £y for clothes, £5.50 for scouts, he is being a dick and YANBU to be irritated. Not least because if DS doesn’t want to go to scouts any more, he will probably find something else to do which costs more than £11. I wonder if he’ll stump up and extra £15 per month if DS suddenly starts doing something that costs £30?

However, as already noted, return pettiness is not the best way of dealing with his pettiness. Keep your powder dry, then maybe in a few months you could tell him how much costs have risen/DS’s clothes are more expensive because he’s older/new hobby has higher costs, and would he consider increasing his monthly contribution?

Just for those above who say children dont cost £500 pcm.

This is fag packet but to illustrate what costs look like averaged for the month for me- and this is child specific costs only -

Rent (diff between 1 bed - which I would rent if childless/ didn’t have custody- and 2 bed where I live)- £200 pcm

Gas/electricity- est 1/3 is child specific use- £40 pcm

Food, toiletries & soap powder (special for eczema skin), over the counter medicine (daily antihistamine, spare spacers for inhalers etc), sunscreen, vitamin supplements for child only - ave £200 pcm

Clothes/shoes/toys/books/sundries (averaged over the year) - £50

Christmas and birthday gifts averaged over the year - £20

Childcare - £509 pcm

Gymnastics club - 1 session per week = £40 pcm

1 x local “day out” per month (food, public transport, attraction entry) - £20

=£1060

And I have ONE child. And am careful with money.

If we take off the childcare it still comes to just over £500. He’s 4, so isn’t even eating like a teenager would.

And that’s before we talk about haircuts, holidays, school trips, cost of public transport for appointments etc, special occasions, gifts for parties, one-off costs like bike costs, new helmets etc.

But please someone point out to me where I’m being profligate with money here, because I, and I’m sure many many many other women shouldering the majority of responsibilities and financial stresses of raising children alone would like to know.