£5.50

[PinotPony]

Ex and I split a couple of years ago. Very amicable and we've remained good friends. We still do "family" things like meals out with our two sons (16 and 12).

When we split, we agreed what he'd pay me in child maintenance - £500 a month. He takes home about £2500 so I knew it was broadly about right but we didn't calculate it in any particular detail. I just wanted enough to be able to stay in the house. We were not married so there's no spousal maintenance. I earn a similar amount.

We were fortunate that his mother gave him £150k towards a new property. I stayed in our house and he effectively has a charge on the property for his share of the equity which is to be paid to him when the youngest child leaves full time education. The children stay with him every Wednesday and EOW although we're fairly flexible about this.

Money has always been a problem between us. We disagreed about whether big payments for things like school trips or scout camp should be included within the monthly amount he pays. I thought he should contribute to them but he felt otherwise.

As growing boys, our sons need new clothes. I don't have any problem with buying what they need but, when I suggested to ex that he might buy the odd item of clothing, he said he'd do that if he could deduct £100 from my maintenance! I've had to buy things like extra deodorant and hair gel because the boys say they don't have any at his place. I've told him very clearly he needs to include these items in his weekly grocery shop as necessary.

Last month ex told me he intends to build a home gym at a cost of £6,000. He lives across the road from our local leisure centre! I managed not to roll my eyes too loudly. It's all BS and I suspect will never happen.

Now covid restrictions have started to lift, the boys are back at activities. Eldest decided he didn't want to return to Scouts. It costs £11 per month. I told ex. When I received my maintenance he'd deducted £5.50 and paid me £494.50!

I didn't shout or get shitty, just told him I was pretty disappointed that he was so tight with money. He just shrugged it off and said he thought it was fair. I thought he might change it back after our conversation but this month he's done the same.

£5.50 shouldn't bother me. It's not worth getting into a war. But I'm sooo pissed off about it. I feel like asking for his payslips so we can just do it all formally. I also feel like I don't want to spend any more time in the company of this selfish man who would send his kids to school in torn trousers than fork out for a new pair.

Any ideas on how to handle the situation? Read him the riot act or just let it go..?

Thanks for all the replies.

I agree that I get a fair amount. I think we did check the online CMS calculator at the time so I knew I was probably getting a good deal.

It's just the pettiness of it all that frustrates me, especially when he's constantly banging on about his new BMW and how well his investments are doing.

And it is all symptomatic of my feeling that he is quite selfish in general. He refused to lend our son a pair of ski socks for a winter trip. He never buys even a card for his mum's birthday. He tells the children not to give money to homeless people. But then I guess that's why I left him! 😂

I'll rise above it and not let him know it's bothered me.

I say, don't rock the boat.

I don't think he should have to pay extras. £500 per month is quite a lot. Yes it seems petty of him to have taken off £5.50 (and I can't quite understand why, did he pay for the scouts??) but if he may be sick of you continuously asking for more maybe that is why? I agree with the other posters that say pick your battles. Tell the children to pack overnight bags for their dads too or ask (the kids) ask him to get them some.

Where are you getting the £1,000 from?
It's not down to the dad to contribute all the cost so if its costing him 500 then it should cost op the same to keep the boys. It looks like she was extras when she's get a very reasonable amount. He's trying to make an a point.

NotaCoolMum £400 is very reasonable for one child why should you ex then spend more when costs are you paying out? I get £140 we then share school dinners paying one week any activities halfed and get different items of school clothing.

The point that bothers me most is his charge on the house.

How much is he paying, effectively, back to himself, and how much for the DC? What are you going to do when youngest youngest ends education? Is your share of equity enough to buy somewhere else, are you able to get a loan for the amount he will need paying out?

Knitting addict

If Dads contribution is £500 a month, I'd assume Mums to be about the same, = £1000

@Looneytune253

I don't think he should have to pay extras. £500 per month is quite a lot. Yes it seems petty of him to have taken off £5.50 (and I can't quite understand why, did he pay for the scouts??) but if he may be sick of you continuously asking for more maybe that is why? I agree with the other posters that say pick your battles. Tell the children to pack overnight bags for their dads too or ask (the kids) ask him to get them some.

To clarify, I'm not constantly asking him for extra. On occasion, when I've paid £300 for a school trip or £500 for a new bike, I've asked if he's able to contribute. I don't think big expensive like that fall within monthly maintenance.

The kids do pack an overnight bag when they go to his. I've bought extra school uniform and pyjamas for them to keep there too.

This pettiness is absolutely ridiculous. It seems he thinks he can have all the benefits of an amicable relationship (the meals out and friendship) but act like an arse at the same time.

I'd want to withdraw the niceties to be honest however, do you think your sons benefit from the two of you getting on? You might decide it's not worth the bad blood and better to keep things as they are. I'd be inclined to think that's the better option.

I think on his salary £500 is about what he'd need to pay if he wasn't having them at all so perhaps that's why he wants you to cover everything

@Chewbecca

The point that bothers me most is his charge on the house.

How much is he paying, effectively, back to himself, and how much for the DC? What are you going to do when youngest youngest ends education? Is your share of equity enough to buy somewhere else, are you able to get a loan for the amount he will need paying out?

I'm happy with this arrangement and I took legal advice at the time. By the time youngest is 21, I'll be mortgage free. At that point, I will have to either take out further borrowing or sell the property. But in the next decade, I'm likely to get promoted to Partner at work and may also receive an inheritance so I'm hoping I won't need to sell.

There is provision in our Separation Agreement for me to pay him off early too.

It's a nice little investment for him as the value increases but it has enabled the children and I to remain at home which was important for us all.

Your not married is the house yours or his?

I think it was extraordinarily petty of him to deduct £5.50. My ex would never do this and he always offers to help with extra costs like music lessons and school trips - like a normal, decent person would do.

@Fullofglee

Your not married is the house yours or his?

The title is in my name. He doesn't have a key.

What a depressing race to the bottom this thread is. I don't blame you for being annoyed OP. Your ex is a petty twat.

And yes, he should contribute to school trips on top.

I think you need to stop thinking of it as "my maintenance" that's your children's maintenance.

He's basically a petty shit, but I would just try to let it go over your head - I think it's probably calculated to annoy you.

If you're getting more than CMS would grant you, then you're stuffed really.

Yes, he should pay towards school trips etc separately, but he's made it clear he isn't going to.

So you might as well just take what he contributes and zone him out more. Perhaps you're spending a bit too much time being "friends" and could do with being a bit less available to him so you don't have to listen to his boasting so much?

If the dad resents paying the maintenance that was agreed between he and the op then he can pay the CMS amount and stick to it. At least the op will know where she stands and not have to deal with such petty and provoking deductions.

I don't think the op can demand that he pays for school uniform etc, but the least he can do is supply some of their needs while he is with them, like the deoderant and hair gel. The CMS adjust the amount paid to the RP based on the NRP having to pay for things on their time. It's only fair that the op's ex pays for some of the basics, apart from food, when he has them.

So cms would say about 400. You get 500. And you’re thinking of rocking the boat over him deducting a small amount or refusing to pay more.

Be careful.

Yes it’s a bit petty, yes he should probably buy things for his place like a grown up. If you’re not careful though you’ll win the battle but lose the war and end up being “right” but with less money.

@knittingaddict

If the dad resents paying the maintenance that was agreed between he and the op then he can pay the CMS amount and stick to it. At least the op will know where she stands and not have to deal with such petty and provoking deductions.

I don't think the op can demand that he pays for school uniform etc, but the least he can do is supply some of their needs while he is with them, like the deoderant and hair gel. The CMS adjust the amount paid to the RP based on the NRP having to pay for things on their time. It's only fair that the op's ex pays for some of the basics, apart from food, when he has them.

Yes, but that runs the risk he won't pay for things while he has the boys, so they end up taking stuff from OP's place, so she'd be worse off in two ways.

She can't force him to pay his share. Some guys appear to think that paying child support is where it ends and that money is supposed to cover all their obligations.

Just let it go....not worth any dramas

I think it's swings and round abouts tbh. If you went to child maintenance the amount he was expected to give would include everything.
I think if you buy a large item and then ask him to contribute he has had no say in the item. So realistically you carnt expect him to want to pay. Its different if you ask him before hand and you both make a joint dicision.
At this age maybe your children should be asking him themselves to buy hair gel etc etc.
Things like expensive school trips. I would also expect the child to ask their father if he's happy to contribute before hand.
Yes I would be irritated by the £5.50, but Co parenting is hard you have to pick your battles.

Very petty.

Are you going to manage when you no longer receive CM?

You would get much less if you went through cms. It's petty, he's an idiot.. But it's not worth getting annoyed about.

You sound very sensible, OP. His asymmetrical money must be special, it stretches without increase to cover additional things but is reduced when something stops. I expect his DC see him for what he is and once they understand his reaction to stopping an activity without you wanting to stir up trouble, they'll communicate changes to him less and realise why he asks leading questions. Perhaps you could offer to sell the sout uniform second hand and share the proceeds with him. FWIW, YANBU to be annoyed and you sound much happier without this person in your life. I suspect a few PPs take after him. Is he happy with his new DW, Sterling? It sounds like he prioritises her above all others.

Good luck in becoming a partner in whichever profession you work.

Good grief! You both sound petty. The pair of you need to grow up and think about your children being stuck I'm the middle

@Hellohah

Have you ever put your details into the CMS calculator.

If he earns around £40k a year, the CMS amount for 2 children who stay with him 1-2 nights a week is £417.

As above, pick your battles.

I don’t know how many times this needs to be stated, but seems like it does. The CMS is the minimum enforceable amount without court proceedings. No way is it a fair amount of what the child costs or needs - and it never has been.

SO many people, including women, seem to think a man paying the CMS is paying the fair and reasonable amount. It isn’t, which is why courts decide on a different amount and not the CMS.

Honestly I’m sick of kids being paid the lowest maintenance possible and the resident parent mums almost always having to pick up the slack. It’s a National disgrace.