£5.50

[PinotPony]

Ex and I split a couple of years ago. Very amicable and we've remained good friends. We still do "family" things like meals out with our two sons (16 and 12).

When we split, we agreed what he'd pay me in child maintenance - £500 a month. He takes home about £2500 so I knew it was broadly about right but we didn't calculate it in any particular detail. I just wanted enough to be able to stay in the house. We were not married so there's no spousal maintenance. I earn a similar amount.

We were fortunate that his mother gave him £150k towards a new property. I stayed in our house and he effectively has a charge on the property for his share of the equity which is to be paid to him when the youngest child leaves full time education. The children stay with him every Wednesday and EOW although we're fairly flexible about this.

Money has always been a problem between us. We disagreed about whether big payments for things like school trips or scout camp should be included within the monthly amount he pays. I thought he should contribute to them but he felt otherwise.

As growing boys, our sons need new clothes. I don't have any problem with buying what they need but, when I suggested to ex that he might buy the odd item of clothing, he said he'd do that if he could deduct £100 from my maintenance! I've had to buy things like extra deodorant and hair gel because the boys say they don't have any at his place. I've told him very clearly he needs to include these items in his weekly grocery shop as necessary.

Last month ex told me he intends to build a home gym at a cost of £6,000. He lives across the road from our local leisure centre! I managed not to roll my eyes too loudly. It's all BS and I suspect will never happen.

Now covid restrictions have started to lift, the boys are back at activities. Eldest decided he didn't want to return to Scouts. It costs £11 per month. I told ex. When I received my maintenance he'd deducted £5.50 and paid me £494.50!

I didn't shout or get shitty, just told him I was pretty disappointed that he was so tight with money. He just shrugged it off and said he thought it was fair. I thought he might change it back after our conversation but this month he's done the same.

£5.50 shouldn't bother me. It's not worth getting into a war. But I'm sooo pissed off about it. I feel like asking for his payslips so we can just do it all formally. I also feel like I don't want to spend any more time in the company of this selfish man who would send his kids to school in torn trousers than fork out for a new pair.

Any ideas on how to handle the situation? Read him the riot act or just let it go..?

@Doghead, quite right. How petty of a mother who only thinks of her children to the extent of sending them with clothing and toiletries when they stay with the NRP as the NRP refuses to provide for his children. Perhaps she should give them a father of the year card for not asking for payment for the food they eat while there or she could offer to send some ingredients or ready meals. A mother who buys the one off purchases to which her ex won't contribute. I can't edit the OED or other published dictionaries but I'll edit Wikipedia to use those as examples of the use of the word, Petty, and credit you.

It is petty and it sours things for very little money. My friend and her ex have a 50/50 arrangement but still expects her to buy all their clothes to the point he messaged her to say that one of the DC didn't have any socks and could she buy some!

Does he pay for any of the maintenance of the house that he is going to benefit from?

I hope your son picks up a new more expensive hobby and then send him the bill for half.

Honestly, teens cost a lot more than younger kids. The £500 sound good but your costs will fluctuate and he can't expect to adjust it everytime. What if they eat less cereal one week, will he want £3 back? What if you they get more mobile and need a buspass? Growth spurts etc.

He should at least provide for them on the days he has them and by that it means more than food.

And it's not £500 each, OP is paying bills to maintain their house, feeding and clothing them 22 days to his 8 per month.

I get £5 a month, as my ex gave up work so he wouldn’t have to pay. 16 years ago.

I can’t even imagine having £500 a month, or indeed an ex who sees my child.

@Bananasinpyjamas21, perhaps an annual father/NRP of the year card for the NRPs who pay the absolute bare minimum tight fisted money loving amount then those who pay an adequate amount could get a 'super NRP of the year'?

How much do you spend on your sons per month? I think £500 a month sounds pretty decent, especially as your ex has your sons every Wednesday as well as every other week. You sound a bit grabby, especially as you’re moaning about not getting £5.50 and have a similar salary to your ex.

Maybe Ex could entertain DS for £5.50 over the hour and a half/2 hours that he'd normally have been in scouts? I hope you didn't need to drive him there as you've also saved about £0.50 in petrol, maybe he should deduct that too?

I think the pettiness is silly, my ex reduced my payments by 40p once! And if he had them one less night A YEAR I would get £100 a month more maintenance. Which annoys me because most of the nights he has him our son is with me until 7pm and he collects him after work, meaning I can't go to work that day and I also loose out on the £100 extra maintenance.

£500 a month is quite a lot, maybe as time goes on he's realised he is overpaying anyway and feels he shouldn't be asked for more. I don't think you should have to buy deodorant for them to take to their dads though, it's only a pound, he can get that anywhere.

Honestly I think you are getting a good deal .As other have said £1000 a month for 2 kids tbh I would expect extras included in this.

He's left 150k in the house he's living else so ether paying £1000's in rent or interest on mortgage because of this .

it's petty and annoying and probably done to get a reaction from you.

But overall I think you're doing pretty well. I have a friend with similarly aged kids and she gets zilch from her ex and he doesn't regularly see them either.

As others said, pick your battles. They're nearly adult.

I think perhaps your ex sees you as the petty one. I may be wrong, and apologies if I am, but it does appear that together you contribute £1000 for the boy's expenses. He has also been fine with you, for around 11 years, sitting on 140k of equity (well more as that was what it was when you bought the house) because you are the RP (as he should). You will also get CB so in reality £1140 a month. He thought (I guess) that the agreement was set up with the idea that you cover the boys costs, including school trips. The child maintenance calculator is a minimum, but he is paying nearly 1k more a year. I can see why he'd expect hair gel (£3 a pot?) to come out of the £1140 you get a month to support them. It does seem quite a lot TBH. You'd need to pay bills if you lived on your own, like him. But they will be more expensive with the boys with you, so it is reasonable to expect the £1140 to contribute to this. Maybe £150 a month? Would that cover the extra bills they incur? Food/toiletries/ household items bought from the supermarket is not cheap for growing lads, so easily £250 a month, £300 even if you eat well. Then there is contribution to car costs which may be £150 a month? Phone - £50 for 2 even for pricier ones. Pocket money, £30 each a month each? Then clothing of £120 a month? School dinners - maybe £100 a month if they have them every day. This all adds up to £. So the £930 so there is also £3240 a year for school trips and clubs like scouts buying presents for their friends, costs of outing and haircuts. I'm assuming presents for them come out of your own money, as the one he gives come out of his. I can see why he thinks he's already contributed TBH. If my figures are way out then I think perhaps write them down for him so he can see why what he's contributing does not cover all that is needed. It might be, for example, that your boys do really expensive hobbies which you both feel you want to continue to support, or you want them to be able to go on the really expensive school trips. That is fine if you are both signed up for it but perhaps a more explicit and detailed conversation will help you get on the same page.

Let it be until hes paying at approximately CMS level, then go through them. Get an application ready, put the documents aside, and each month he messes with you, sit comfortsbly in the knowing satisfaction that hes still paying more and you need only pop the application in the post box and he'll soon be paying via CMS.

He's probably trying to provoke a CMS application as he knows it's slightly less and he wants you to be the "bad guy". Make him work for it.

You earn a similar amount and he gives you £500 a month? If you can’t provide for 2 children’s needs on £500 a month then something isn’t adding up here. You sound very greedy.

There’s 2 diff things here.

1. The amount of maintenance considered “fair”. £500 for two kids isn’t “fair”. It’s far from it. 2 teenage kids cost more than £1000 (assuming equal split of costs) to feed, house, clothe, ferry around, pay for clubs, pay for necessaries, but birthday and Christmas gifts, holidays etc.

I am similarly amicable with my ex, (separated 3 years ago) and I get £250 pcm from him for our 4 yo DS. I spend twice that JUST on childcare. So although yes. It’s fair in the eyes of CMS, it’s not “fair” objectively. It’s not equitable. I don’t argue about it though for a variety of complicated reasons (too much to go into here, but I’ve made my peace with it), and I keep the financial element of our separation entirely separate in my mind from the relationship I maintain with my ex for the sake of our DS.

The second thing is the specific case in point here.
The question for the OP is whether this is the thin end of the wedge and more “deductions” will start being made, and whether she, on balance, values/needs the money more, than she needs to be on good terms with her ex.

It’s the question I had to ask myself, and although the answer I came to wasn’t “fair”
For me, it was right for our son.

There wouldn't be "spousal maintenance" if you had been married.

He's definitely trying to get to you here and it seems like it's working.

Rise above it and if possible try and see the funny side of this man's life being so incredibly hollow that he feels the need to assert some control over the mother of his children in this way. It's pathetic, it's sad and he's clearly deeply unhappy. Be happy he's not more deeply involved in your life anymore.

This reminds me how lucky I am. I say “lucky”…the man I lived and was married to had an affair and broke my heart and family apart BUT he does pay me a lot more than he would legally have to through CMS so that me and our kids can stay in the house.

I don’t often ask him for extra money for this reason but he does contribute once a year to new school uniform and the odd pair of trainers.

He can afford it and they are his kids.

Your ex sound every petty and bitter to be honest. If he can’t afford to give you £500 per month then that’s one thing but if he’s doing it to make some sort of point, that’s another entirely.

VaguelyInteresting

Teenagers don't cost 1000 a month some people don't even have that going spare. They got the money have.

So if your DS takes up a new hobby is he going to increase by £10 etc? It seems an odd thing to have done when his previous position was £500 covers the lot no extra payments.
Is your agreement clear re college and Uni you don’t want to be caught out.

YABVU

I would tell the kids the truth, that he's cutting money. They will probably start looking for work when they can.

He's pathetic OP. I hope that you don't do anything silly like buy him birthday/ christmas/ father's day presents from the children.

Just make sure if your son decides to take up another club//sport that you let him know the cost

You get £500 a month and presumably child benefit of around £150 a month so with your salary over £3000 a month ??

OP, if you are getting more than the CMS amount then don't rock the boat, it's never worth it. Maintenance for your eldest will stop in a couple of years when he hits 18, so make the most of it now.

XH used to pay £25pw for DC, and started off paying for half the school uniform and swimming lessons. Then he decided that the maintenance should cover everything and stopped paying anything extra.

He does pay £30 a week now. I have never taken him to CMS because he often has periods where he is out of work, so I could end up with nothing.

I used to let every little thing get to me, now I sit back and laugh at the pettiness.