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Original poster

How to react when a date stands you up?

144 replies

Walantin · 02/07/2021 18:23

Hi all, I am a little out of my depth here so I'd love some advice.

I went out with a guy for the first time on Wednesday. He is a friend of friends.

The date went really well, good conversation and chemistry. Before the end of it he had already asked me if I wanted to do something on Friday as the weather seemed to be good and he wanted to see me again. There was a little kiss at the end and he then messaged to say how much he enjoyed our evening together and that he looked forward to seeing me again.

This morning he texts asking how I am and sending me some pics of where he was. I then asked if he wanted to watch the football game tonight, in which case we could perhaps meet later in the evening instead of early on as we had already agreed?

And then.. crickets.

My last message was at 11:40 am, he has read it and never replied. I am a little shocked as I have never been stood up Confused

What is the etiquette? Is this behavior as bad as I think it is? WTF?

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 02/07/2021 22:27

@ShaneTheThird

Fuck me so much drama. So op had a date, agrees to meet again friday, today is friday. Guy texts her in morning then is busy with work. No time is arranged yet. Both watch football, he asks to see her after football has finished which is normal given no one had specified a time. Yet he is apparently a wanker and ops in a huff even though he still wants to meet her on the day he arranged.
Why did he apologise in his text then? If it's all soooooo cool?
Lockheart · 02/07/2021 22:28

@CandyLeBonBon probably because he realised he forgot to reply.

Not everything is an attack or an intentional snub. Sometimes people are just busy.

CandyLeBonBon · 02/07/2021 22:30

[quote Lockheart]@CandyLeBonBon probably because he realised he forgot to reply.

Not everything is an attack or an intentional snub. Sometimes people are just busy.[/quote]
Hmmmm. He read the message and didn't reply. Then suggested meeting up with 10 minutes of the game left, having not acknowledged her text all day.

He suggested meeting earlier, she offered
I wouldn't be hanging on for someone to let me

ShaneTheThird · 02/07/2021 22:31

Exactly what @Lockheart said. He probably got busy, thought he replied then realised he hadnt. I do it all the time. Very presumptuous to assume he deliberately chose to snub her.

parkerpop · 02/07/2021 22:32

@Rozziie

OP, this seems like a massive cultural clash to me. You met the guy once, he wanted to hang out again, you asked if he wanted to meet after the game and he's said yes. The tone of his message ("if you want") isn't remotely rude in French, and if you're in Switzerland and presumably British/English speaking, then it's on you to adapt to the local language, not the other way around.

Yes, it was a bit rude to leave you hanging all day, but that's it. You weren't 'stood up', a guy you met once took a bit long to reply to your message.

They had a date arranged for this evening, she got in touch to agree the time and he didn't reply til late on so presumably had no intention to have the date as previously planned.

I don't care what culture anyone is, that's rude

CandyLeBonBon · 02/07/2021 22:33

Sorry pressed too soon

He suggested meeting earlier, she offered a later time as she thought he might want to watch the footie.

That's considerate.

I wouldn't be hanging on for someone to let me know they were ready to see me in 10 mins when they hadn't bothered replying all day.

Fair enough if they hadn't read the message, but they didn't.

She felt like an afterthought. I understand why.

Not dramatic not to enjoy feeling like an afterthought. At any stage of a relationship.

Lockheart · 02/07/2021 22:34

@CandyLeBonBon and why is that such a crime? It's slightly annoying for the OP to be sure but I'm not sure forgetting to reply to a message from someone he met less than 48 hours earlier during a work day merits him being called a wanker / twat etc.

There's a difference between asserting your boundaries and being completely over the top.

If OP doesn't want to see him against then she shouldn't, but given how nice a time she said she had two days ago I think it's a bit cutting your nose to spite your face over a minor infraction.

shivermetimbers77 · 02/07/2021 22:36

You’ve done the right thing OP. He will now have learned that he can’t keep you hanging around or reply to you last minute and expect you to be available. If you decide to give him another try, and it’s up to you, I think you may find he responds a lot more promptly to your texts in the future!

CandyLeBonBon · 02/07/2021 22:36

Who said it was a crime?

That's the joy of dating isn't it? People show us who they are and we can choose to avoid behaviour in others that doesn't serve us.

The op started a thread because she was narked. She's allowed to do that. Or are you suggesting she's only allowed to vent her annoyance if a crime has been committed?

CandyLeBonBon · 02/07/2021 22:38

I think it's a bit cutting your nose to spite your face over a minor infraction.

I know I and a lot of women on this board wish we'd walked away from early 'minor infractions' instead of thinking it didn't matter.

Treating people with respect early into relationships and dating isn't that hard.

Clymene · 02/07/2021 22:39

[quote Lockheart]@CandyLeBonBon and why is that such a crime? It's slightly annoying for the OP to be sure but I'm not sure forgetting to reply to a message from someone he met less than 48 hours earlier during a work day merits him being called a wanker / twat etc.

There's a difference between asserting your boundaries and being completely over the top.

If OP doesn't want to see him against then she shouldn't, but given how nice a time she said she had two days ago I think it's a bit cutting your nose to spite your face over a minor infraction.[/quote]
You don't 'forget to reply' to a woman who you've just met about a date that evening.

parkerpop · 02/07/2021 22:39

@Lockheart of it was just general chit chat and he got busy with work then I agree he wouldn't have done much wrong, and nothing wrong with texting her after the football to see if she wanted to meet up.

However, the difference here is that he had already asked to meet her on Friday night. She asked him what time, even offered to fit it round the football, he read her message and didn't bother his arse to reply. That's disrespectful and I'd have the exact same reaction as OP

Lockheart · 02/07/2021 22:41

@CandyLeBonBon

Who said it was a crime?

That's the joy of dating isn't it? People show us who they are and we can choose to avoid behaviour in others that doesn't serve us.

The op started a thread because she was narked. She's allowed to do that. Or are you suggesting she's only allowed to vent her annoyance if a crime has been committed?

Its a figure of speech and you know it.

Of course OP is allowed to be narked. Of course she's allowed to not see him again for any reason she likes if she doesn't want to.

What's silly is calling him a wanker / twat and going completely over the top after one date and one slow reply to a message.

excelledyourself · 02/07/2021 22:41

Ugh, patch that.

Lockheart · 02/07/2021 22:43

@Clymene of course you can if you're having a busy day or something urgent crops up.

I can't understand this insistence that any mistep is malicious. I hope when I mess up people aren't looking at me thinking I'm deliberately being cruel or sabotaging my work etc.

CandyLeBonBon · 02/07/2021 22:44

@Lockheart have you never called someone an expletive, to yourself, because they've annoyed or upset you? I know I have. Op was venting. Why is she not allowed to do that for fear of being dismissed for being dramatic?

Nsky · 02/07/2021 22:47

The implication seems that bit given more communication , she was expected to wait till after football .
Yes he should have said what he meant at 11, nobody is a mind reader.
You respect yourself by saying I’m not going to hang around on their terms, I def wouldn’t

parkerpop · 02/07/2021 22:47

[quote Lockheart]@Clymene of course you can if you're having a busy day or something urgent crops up.

I can't understand this insistence that any mistep is malicious. I hope when I mess up people aren't looking at me thinking I'm deliberately being cruel or sabotaging my work etc.[/quote]
He had asked to meet her and if he had wanted to he would've made an effort to finalise plans.

It's not an "oops I got distracted and forgot to text" it's "I know I'd asked you out tonight and you asked me what time but I wasn't interested enough in meeting you to reply. I was just wasting your time expecting you to have nothing better to do than to sit about and wait for me to decide if I do want to see you or not (since I'm obviously gods gift 🙄)

CandyLeBonBon · 02/07/2021 22:47

And bearing in mind he found the time to stop work and watch the football, in spite of suggesting that they meet up a bit earlier, it doesn't sound like being 'busy with work' was really the issue.

parkerpop · 02/07/2021 22:49

He should at least have had the decency to say "im so sorry " rather than that he was sorry and what was she doing

Norwolf · 02/07/2021 22:50

I’ll play the devils advocate…

Really don’t think he wanted to watch footie with you, probably the reason why he wanted to meet earlier as he has made plans (maybe to watch it with his mates???)

Granted he should not have left you on read @Walantin BUT…, you did change plans last minute which he MAY not have known how to respond to, given that his indications were good prior, or he just got occupied. Either way, maybe have a proper discussion and let him know what’s going on, on ur end.

Norwolf · 02/07/2021 22:52

Apologies, meant to say changed time to meet later instead of earlier as you had agreed upon

CandyLeBonBon · 02/07/2021 22:53

@Norwolf

I’ll play the devils advocate…

Really don’t think he wanted to watch footie with you, probably the reason why he wanted to meet earlier as he has made plans (maybe to watch it with his mates???)

Granted he should not have left you on read @Walantin BUT…, you did change plans last minute which he MAY not have known how to respond to, given that his indications were good prior, or he just got occupied. Either way, maybe have a proper discussion and let him know what’s going on, on ur end.

She wasn't asking to watch it with him. She suggested meeting afterwards, in case he wanted to watch it. Not thst they could watch it together.
parkerpop · 02/07/2021 22:55

@Norwolf she didn't change plans last minute. She only offered to change the plans to accommodate him watching the footie with his friends, if that's what he wanted to do

She was actually being very accommodating and making it really easy for him to watch the footie with his friends. All he had to do was reply and either say 1) thanks that would be great, let's do something after the game, or 2) thanks but im not that bothered about the game so no need to change the plans for me

Rozziie · 02/07/2021 23:07

And what can seem to you like 'being accommodating' could have seemed to him like being blown off a bit.... 'well we can meet after the footie if you want to watch it'. Perhaps he took that as her not being very interested? The 'if you want' reply is an insinuation that she might not want to see him.

I genuinely don't think most British people know how passive aggressive they are. I didn't grow up here and its honestly painful trying to deal with trying to decipher what people actually mean. If I had arranged a date and then I got a text saying 'do you want to maybe meet after the football instead?', I'd think they weren't that arsed.

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