Page 4 | How to react when a date stands you up?

Walantin · 2021-07-02T17:23:18+00:00

Hi all, I am a little out of my depth here so I'd love some advice. I went out with a guy for the first time on Wednesday. He is a friend of friends. The date went really well, good conversation and chemistry. Before the end of it he had already asked me if I wanted to do something on Friday as the weather seemed to be good and he wanted to see me again. There was a little kiss at the end and he then messaged to say how much he enjoyed our evening together and that he looked forward to seeing me again. This morning he texts asking how I am and sending me some pics of where he was. I then asked if he wanted to watch the football game tonight, in which case we could perhaps meet later in the evening instead of early on as we had already agreed? And then.. crickets. My last message was at 11:40 am, he has read it and never replied. I am a little shocked as I have never been stood up [confused] What is the etiquette? Is this behavior as bad as I think it is? WTF?

AdaThorne · 02/07/2021 20:42

Whether you want to see him again or not definitely don’t reply tonight. You made alternate plans when he didn’t get back to you. You can discuss expectations on communication style and planning another time.

I don’t know this would be a deal breaker for me after one date but I’d definitely be ensuring he knew I was not the back up plan or booty call!

TheFoundations · 02/07/2021 20:42

I think it's quite possible that he genuinely did get distracted during the day. OP suggested meeting after the football, and he got back to her to say sorry for the delay, and yes, if you still want to, etc.

There's no rules about this stuff. I think he's been a bit rude, some people would just be curious about what he'd been up to, some would never respond to him again. Nobody is right or wrong. It's about preferences. Some people might get uppity if he responded immediately to every message.

It looks like communication incompatibility.

Honeyroar · 02/07/2021 20:45

I wouldn’t leave him stewing. I’d tell him -
a) Sorry I’ve changed my mind and don’t want to meet you again thanks.
or
b) Sorry I’ve got plans, this is far too last minute.
Personally I’d go for A. The plans might have been slightly vague but there’s no excuse for not answering for hours then expecting you to meet him at short notice.

Tiffbiff · 02/07/2021 20:45

Nah I’m with you OP- if he got it wrong and liked you there should have been an ‘oh sh*t, really sorry double booked could we do X Night instead’ you don’t just not reply- it’s rude.

Honeyroar · 02/07/2021 20:46

If you leave him stewing he can say you’re as bad as him. You’re not.

PearlclutchersInc · 02/07/2021 20:46

Ah right, so you weren't exactly left standing at Pizza Hut beside the bustop then

Sorry, couldnt resist but its kind of what I thought on first reading!

cittigirl · 02/07/2021 20:50

@GiveMyHeadPeaceffs

Wow, I honestly think you're all over reacting. Why on earth don't you just ask him what he's been up to instead of all the drama and flouncing?

This. There could be good reason. Maybe he replied but you didn't get the message straight away?? I'd give him the benefit of the doubt this once

Rozziie · 02/07/2021 21:31

I see you're in Switzerland...is he Swiss? Are you? The wording of his message reminds me of the way my Swiss/French friends speak. The 'if you want' is way less rude in those countries and it genuinely tends to mean 'if you want', as in 'if you're still up for it'. It's only really in Britain that that phrase has a horrible passive aggressive 'I'm doing you a favour' insinuation.

I agree leaving you hanging all day is rude but I don't think the message itself is that weird.

Original poster

Walantin · 02/07/2021 21:41

@Rozziie

I see you're in Switzerland...is he Swiss? Are you? The wording of his message reminds me of the way my Swiss/French friends speak. The 'if you want' is way less rude in those countries and it genuinely tends to mean 'if you want', as in 'if you're still up for it'. It's only really in Britain that that phrase has a horrible passive aggressive 'I'm doing you a favour' insinuation.

I agree leaving you hanging all day is rude but I don't think the message itself is that weird.

He is French actually. He's texted me again asking me where I am.

I ended up replying that I had made other plans in the end as I hadn't heard from him, then wished "have a good night".

I am so unimpressed.

OP posts:

Lockheart · 02/07/2021 21:45

Blimey, you had your first date less than 48 hours ago, he doesn't text you for what, 6 or 7 hours during a work day, and you're already calling him a wanker and deciding he's a complete twat?

If you don't want to see him again then don't, but I think it's you with the problem here and not him, I'm afraid. Too much drama for a potential relationship where you only met 2 days ago.

This is also not being stood up - that's when you actually go to a bar / restaurant / place for an agreed date and they don't show up. It doesn't mean you just haven't agreed plans.

AnaViaSalamanca · 02/07/2021 21:56

How old are you OP? You sound very high strung and over invested. You don’t even seem to like the guy actually but very determined to take offence! If I were you I would take a step back and try to be a bit less invested in someone so new and take dating a bit less seriously.

MaMelon · 02/07/2021 22:00

How old are you for posting that “you sound highly strung and over invested”?

No, she doesn’t.

cantgetmyheadroundit · 02/07/2021 22:02

@AnaViaSalamanca

How old are you OP? You sound very high strung and over invested. You don’t even seem to like the guy actually but very determined to take offence! If I were you I would take a step back and try to be a bit less invested in someone so new and take dating a bit less seriously.

It's not taking offence, it's setting boundaries.

TheFoundations · 02/07/2021 22:05

@AnaViaSalamanca

How old are you OP? You sound very high strung and over invested. You don’t even seem to like the guy actually but very determined to take offence! If I were you I would take a step back and try to be a bit less invested in someone so new and take dating a bit less seriously.

No. OP knows what she likes and doesn't like the way he's communicated with her. She has expressed that.

We don't see enough of this!

ThePurplePalace · 02/07/2021 22:07

Good on you OP! He’s treating you as something he can pick up and drop. Nope!

Clymene · 02/07/2021 22:09

@AnaViaSalamanca

How old are you OP? You sound very high strung and over invested. You don’t even seem to like the guy actually but very determined to take offence! If I were you I would take a step back and try to be a bit less invested in someone so new and take dating a bit less seriously.

No, she really, really doesn't. She has self-respect. You should try it some time

CandyLeBonBon · 02/07/2021 22:16

@AnaViaSalamanca

How old are you OP? You sound very high strung and over invested. You don’t even seem to like the guy actually but very determined to take offence! If I were you I would take a step back and try to be a bit less invested in someone so new and take dating a bit less seriously.

How old are you @AnaViaSalamanca? You sound very high strung and over invested. You don’t even seem to like the OP actually but very determined to take offence! If I were you I would take a step back and try to be a bit less invested in a perfectly reasonable question, on a thread on an anonymous public forum, and take Mumsnet a bit less seriously.

There! Fixed that for ya

AnaViaSalamanca · 02/07/2021 22:17

@Clymene why the personal attack? What do you know about me and my self respect? You are being very rude unnecessarily.

I am not going to comment on this thread again. Best of luck

CandyLeBonBon · 02/07/2021 22:18

[quote AnaViaSalamanca]@Clymene why the personal attack? What do you know about me and my self respect? You are being very rude unnecessarily.

I am not going to comment on this thread again. Best of luck[/quote]
😂

anunexaminedlife · 02/07/2021 22:21

[quote AnaViaSalamanca]@Clymene why the personal attack? What do you know about me and my self respect? You are being very rude unnecessarily.

I am not going to comment on this thread again. Best of luck[/quote]
The irony.

YeokensYegg · 02/07/2021 22:22

OP you did the right thing.

So many women make excuses for rude behaviour and wonder why they end up with rude arseholes.

That saying, you teach people how to treat you is true.

Naunet · 02/07/2021 22:22

@AnaViaSalamanca

How old are you OP? You sound very high strung and over invested. You don’t even seem to like the guy actually but very determined to take offence! If I were you I would take a step back and try to be a bit less invested in someone so new and take dating a bit less seriously.

Yeah come on OP, be a cool girl and throw away the idea that you should be treated with any respect. 🙄

Notmoresugar · 02/07/2021 22:23

Well done OP you absolutely did the right thing.
You have self-respect and you should be proud.
He on the other hand is shallow and disrespectful.
There's a very good saying that says: fuck those that fuck you!!

Rozziie · 02/07/2021 22:25

OP, this seems like a massive cultural clash to me. You met the guy once, he wanted to hang out again, you asked if he wanted to meet after the game and he's said yes. The tone of his message ("if you want") isn't remotely rude in French, and if you're in Switzerland and presumably British/English speaking, then it's on you to adapt to the local language, not the other way around.

Yes, it was a bit rude to leave you hanging all day, but that's it. You weren't 'stood up', a guy you met once took a bit long to reply to your message.

ShaneTheThird · 02/07/2021 22:26

Fuck me so much drama. So op had a date, agrees to meet again friday, today is friday. Guy texts her in morning then is busy with work. No time is arranged yet. Both watch football, he asks to see her after football has finished which is normal given no one had specified a time. Yet he is apparently a wanker and ops in a huff even though he still wants to meet her on the day he arranged.