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Original poster

My husband took my credit card

442 replies

Sophiewoods · 30/06/2021 22:50

Hey, my husband and I agreed together on a budget and that I was supposed to stick to this budget. However last week I was about £20 over this budget. My hubby got really annoyed with me for this, especially as he has managed to stick to his side of the agreement. He has now taken away my credit card to our joint account and has given me cash for my budget this week and says he will give me money every week. As much as I realise what I did was bad and he has a right to be annoyed, I think him taking away my credit card is an over reaction and a bit controlling. I think he should trust me more. It is a massive pain having to pay in cash and also I can't buy things online and use Amazon. I'm 34, my husband in 37. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6. I work part time. Everything else in our relationship is great. Do you think I am right to think he is being a bit controlling? I know he is trying to help me stick to this budget but it seems a bit of an over the top reaction to me

OP posts:
JeepersCreeping · 01/07/2021 09:20

I think it's financially abusive.

By the OP.

You're in debt. You've borrowed cash off loads of relatives but aren't bothered about paying it back because they're not kicking up a fusss (?!). Your DH has tried to fix the mess by looking at your finances and you agreed a budget. You overspend weekly. It's on frivilous stuff like birthday gifts for friends.

No wonder your DH took your card away. Your attitude would be the last straw for me.

Grow up OP. Pay back your debt and start being a fucking team player, because it's not fair on your DH to have to be the adult here and sort this out all on his own.

covidcloser · 01/07/2021 09:21

@CastawayQueen

While I see the husband’s POV - why do him and his wife have separate budgets? Are they talking about a ‘personal’ budget alone? Me and DP put some money into a joint account and it’s the total judged for both of us (because I do the shopping for example). There’s no his and hers budget.

Probably because of the overspending issues she has had in the past?

Hugoslavia · 01/07/2021 09:22

He may see it as him supporting you/helping remove temptation. But it is controlling and patronising.

Rachie1973 · 01/07/2021 09:24

This is why I don’t keep joint accounts. I hate being ‘budgeted’. I’m a notorious overspender

We have an account we both pay our share of bills and savings into. The rest stays in our own accounts. I constantly run out before the end of the month, my problem. Not his. The bills are covered, beyond that it’s my business.

Bluntness100 · 01/07/2021 09:24

Honestly if we were in debt and my husband and I agreed a budget and every single week he went over, I’d take his friggen card too, and if that’s controlling then I’d be responding with too right I’m going to control this, we are in fucking debt.

covidcloser · 01/07/2021 09:24

it absolutely is a feminist issue. Both of their wages are paid into this joint account and he is controlling the money that she has earned. If that isn't a feminist issue i don't know what is, he only feels able to do this because he thinks he's the more important one in the relationship.

You have missed out the entire arrangement and agreement to have an allowance per person and the fact that OP is going over it constantly just to suit your feminist agenda. It's this lack of critical thinking that minimised the impact of true feminist issues. This really isn't one. It's an issue within the marriage that tbh, it sounds like he is trying to sort and she is just spending regardless.

forpeeetssake · 01/07/2021 09:25

I once worked with someone who told us her DH had taken her credit card off her for similar reasons, and we were all horrified, talked to her about financial abuse and control etc. All felt really sorry for her.

Until months down the line she revealed that she had some sporadic MH issues, and when going through a bad patch would spend literally thousands on crap she didn't need, had repeatedly taken out secret credit cards and credit accounts, and had a ton of debt she hadn't told him about (after he had paid off after all the debt from the last time he'd found out about it), her finances were a mess and the only way he could try and deal with it was to take her spending power away. Her attitude to it all was totally blase, they divorced in the end.

It isn't always financial abuse, sometimes it's the more sensible person trying any way they can to keep some control over the family finances.

ElBandito · 01/07/2021 09:26

Well it depends. If you are having to pay for all the stuff for your kids out of your budget and he doesn't pay for any of that then he is wrong.
If you are both getting the same amount just to spend on yourselves and the kids stuff comes out of the joint account then you are wrong.

Bumzoo · 01/07/2021 09:28

Surely you don't honestly believe because someone isn't asking for the money you borrowed back you can just forget about it?

SuperstoreFan · 01/07/2021 09:30

Unless there's going to be a huge drip feed that the OP is buying household and items for the children out of her money then I'm not sure if the husband has done anything wrong.

The OP is going over her budget every single week, this is not a one off and it appears that she isn't worried about paying the parents back, she's buying frivolous shit for friends birthdays etc knowing that it'll take her over her budget, she has no financial control.

Blanketpolicy · 01/07/2021 09:30

We have no idea what they agreed their individual budget would be, it might be £50 a week each (after bills and food) so £20 over is significant and op is going over the agreed budget EVERY week for non essential luxuries such as presents for friends when they have borrowed money and cannot afford to pay it back.

Obviously a bank card being taken away sounds controlling, can anyone suggest another solution to op, every week, financially behaving like an irresponsible child? I can't.

cupsofcoffee · 01/07/2021 09:30

I suspect there is a lot more to this than OP is letting on.

However if I agreed to a budget with my husband in order to pay back some debts, and he constantly ignored it and overspent each week, it would feel like a huge slap in the face to our marriage.

SerendipitySunshine · 01/07/2021 09:31

You agreed to the budget - is it unrealistic or are you splurging and not being financially responsible? If it's the latter, and my husband did that, I'd be pissed off too.

5zeds · 01/07/2021 09:33

What do you both spend it on?

TeeBee · 01/07/2021 09:36

I'm with your husband on this. Not running your finances well enough that you have to borrow from parents is ridiculous beyond teenage years. You seem to be consistently overspending, what else is he supposed to do? You're putting the family finances at risk. If someone was constantly undermining my financial stability (especially to buy birthday presents for friends), I'd consider dumping them.

kindaclassy · 01/07/2021 09:37

Making it a feminist issue and pretending that women are unable to stick to a budget and can't do numbers is insulting.

chickenyhead · 01/07/2021 09:38

Well it depends who buys what from that budget.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/07/2021 09:39

If you've agreed to a budget and then can't stick to it; I don't think he's being abusive. I think you need to control your spending.

kindaclassy · 01/07/2021 09:40

Going over budget for essentials would be one thing.
For friends presents? Give us a break.

It's VERY hard to get out of debts. Your car breaks down, your fridge packs up, your kids need 3 new pairs of shoes in 2 months.. Always very valid reasons to spend money you are trying to save.

What is the husband supposed to do? Let his wife spends all the family money on crap and stay in debts affecting their future?

BarbaraofSeville · 01/07/2021 09:40

Obviously a bank card being taken away sounds controlling, can anyone suggest another solution to op, every week, financially behaving like an irresponsible child? I can't

She needs a card with the agreed budget transferred to it each week/month, to be available on a 'when it's gone, it's gone' basis.

Either a prepaid card or some bank accounts don't allow overdrafts. I use a Starling account for personal spending money and as far as I know, there's no overdraft facility unless you specifically apply for it.

But that system would require discipline for the OP to not 'borrow' money from the joint account, which she'd need access to for grocery shopping/expenses for DC etc. Plus not apply for any other cards that the DH doesn't know about.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 01/07/2021 09:41

Anyone who doesn't seem to know the difference between a credit card and debit card doesn't sound very fiscally responsible. No-one should be borrowing from both sets of parents and then continuing to overspend on things like presents for friends. You don't wait for people who have lent you large sums of money to be "jumping up and down" before you offer to pay them back unless you are A cheeky fucker.

Karmalady · 01/07/2021 09:41

There is another very large forum around, mainly dedicated to money saving, getting out of debt etc. where posters generally always advise doing what OPs husband has done, in these circumstances, where money is owed, where one of them has spent over budget on non essentials. They says”take all cards away, give them x amount a week, in cash”.

Perhaps he’s been on there? The advice isn’t gender related - they suggest it anyway.

Every forum will have different posters, with different views and advice.

But, as a mum, with grown up kids, who I have lent money to, although I’ve never pushed for repayment, I would be a bit annoyed if nothing had been paid back, but money was just being wasted on fripperies.

If you owe money, pay it back as soon as you can.

Naunet · 01/07/2021 09:42

@pallisers

what context makes it ok for a man to remove a credit card from a joint account -holder and TELL he he will be giving her money from now on???

If he thinks his wife is bad with money then he sets up his own account and stops the joint account - not unilaterally decide that he now controls all the money,

if the couple was on budget to save for something OR if the OP was on a strict budget to keep a roof over their heads what makes the OP's husband the one who controls finances?

Absolutely this. He’s meant to be her partner, her equal, not fucking king of the house.
Crikeyalmighty · 01/07/2021 09:43

Personally I would be extremely annoyed for £20 — I do think though you might want to have a look at the fact you aren’t paying back money borrowed— people don’t always scream for it back , but it will be noted

mam0918 · 01/07/2021 09:43

This is why you dont have joint bank accounts.

Seperate them, set up direct debits so you each pay half of the house costs etc... and anything left you spend as you deem fit.

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