My husband took my credit card

[Sophiewoods]

Hey, my husband and I agreed together on a budget and that I was supposed to stick to this budget. However last week I was about £20 over this budget. My hubby got really annoyed with me for this, especially as he has managed to stick to his side of the agreement. He has now taken away my credit card to our joint account and has given me cash for my budget this week and says he will give me money every week. As much as I realise what I did was bad and he has a right to be annoyed, I think him taking away my credit card is an over reaction and a bit controlling. I think he should trust me more. It is a massive pain having to pay in cash and also I can't buy things online and use Amazon. I'm 34, my husband in 37. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6. I work part time. Everything else in our relationship is great. Do you think I am right to think he is being a bit controlling? I know he is trying to help me stick to this budget but it seems a bit of an over the top reaction to me

If you’re consistently going over budget, then another look at the agreed budget should be taken in line with spending patterns to see if the budget needs to be increased.
Another option would be have a prepaid debit card loaded with your weekly/ monthly budget as your primary way of paying, with your debit card as a backup

What’s the chances she would just dip into the back up debit card every week for £20 here and there for unnecessary shite.

I have been pushing it and gone very slightly over every week. Last week I bought birthday presents for 2 close friends which pushed me over

Yeah, I'd be pretty pissed off if my DH was not working with me to pay off joint debt and just taking the piss every week overspending whilst I scrimped.

You really are minimising the issue, OP.

Taking the card is controlling - but what is it about you that thinks the overspending and disrespecting your partner that is ok?

If there is a budget agreed so debts can be paid back and one party continually pushed the budget then steps would need to be taken.

She is given cash so where is the financial abuse??? if she needs extra then discuss it with partner and agree the overspend?

I would have opened another account in her name with a card and transferred her budget in, she can learn to budget that way.

comments that they have borrowed of family and they are not chasing don't matter, they will be thinking when will the money be repaid.

I loaned my sister some cash as she claimed she was struggling, the CF a month later went to the Caribbean and has never paid the cash back

"we borrowed money" + "but they are not really asking for it back".

They shouldn't have to ask, you "borrowed" it; ergo you pay it back.

Your husband has stuck to the agreed budget every single week and you have gone over it every single week. He is trying to pay back his and your parents. Sounds like he is being respectful of others in this scenario.

Can't help but think if this was reversed everyone would be telling you to LTB.

I can completely see why he took the cards away. It hardly sounds like he's going to leave you stranded in a genuine emergency - he's trying to get you to stick to what YOU agreed.

Took your credit card???? WTF? Whether I went £20 or £2000 over my budget my husband is not taking anything that is mine.
He can be annoyed and we can discuss but he cannot physically take anything from me that isn't his!

While I see the husband’s POV - why do him and his wife have separate budgets? Are they talking about a ‘personal’ budget alone?
Me and DP put some money into a joint account and it’s the total judged for both of us (because I do the shopping for example). There’s no his and hers budget.

@HoJo20

Took your credit card???? WTF? Whether I went £20 or £2000 over my budget my husband is not taking anything that is mine. He can be annoyed and we can discuss but he cannot physically take anything from me that isn't his!

It’s not a credit card, it’s a debit card. And if it was the husbands credit card and she was an additional card holder he could take it off her any time he liked.

Credit card or debit card? If you're living day to day with a credit card then no wonder you have to strictly control your budget! You're spending money you don't have. If it's a debit card then that makes it a completely different situation.

You go over your budget every week? Every week? And it reads like because your parents aren’t pushing you think that’s ok.

Get your act together and pay your debts off, stick to your budget. You’re a grown up.

Adding that in this case if she’s buying more than the husband than it makes sense.
Howveer OP’s normally put in things that go in their favour. OP hasn’t, is blasé about having borrowed money and bought birthday presents despite knowing that she was skint.

In this case - if she was actually overspending she is U and husband is right

@Sophiewoods

Our account is a joint account and both our wages are paid in there. We have both spent too much in the past and have had to borrow quite a bit of money from both of our parents. He is very keen to pay this money back, but none of our parents are really nagging us about it. We agreed this budget a few months ago, he has stuck to it fairly comfortably every week. I have been pushing it and gone very slightly over every week. Last week I bought birthday presents for 2 close friends which pushed me over.

Did you agree each of you would have the same amount of money in your budget? Whose budget do food shops and household spending (bills etc) come out of?

If i were your husband, you buying friends birthday presents with money we don't have in our budget, especially when we're in debt, would probably piss me off too. But disallowing you access to your own money is not the right solution.

Never, ever share a bank acoount with a partner.

This doesn't bode well. You would be better off on your own. Really.

He was probably right. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. You said you cant stick to it every month so he took action. You are a team so if this is a struggle you need to discuss. He took your card as there is no alternative. Your friends birthdays are not essential. Im sure he will give you it back but you need to be serious to get out of sticky financial situations. Iactually find that using cash is easier to keep a budget with and stops you buying crap from places like amazon.

I’m with the husband on this.

If you agreed a budget and went over it, then you let him down didn't you?. If he is worried that you will constantly be in debt, then that is no way for him to live.

You owe money to both parents, but don't seem to give a damn about that.

I admire your DH for addressing the debt problem and working to clear it, and you need to work with him. Get your head out of the sand and accept that you can't carry on spending the way you have been.

What you should have done, is discussed it with him. " I know we agreed a budget, but I forgot about X and Y birthdays, is it ok to get them a present, and maybe take a bit less next week, or whatever"

It's not about DH being controlling, it's about him not being able to trust you to rein in your spending.

The budget was agreed "a few months ago" - that could be probably 3- 5 months ago - and you've gone over it every single week.

So for the last 13-20 weeks, you've been over budget - even if it's only a tenner a week, that's still a lot when you're in debt and trying to rein it in.

You're not being deprived money - you've been given the cash instead - so "financial abuse" doesn't come into it. You're not responsible enough to have full access to the account if you can't control your spending, and your DH has obviously given you a lot of time to see if you can - but you haven't.

You should apologise to him and sort yourself out.

It's not ok to think you don't have to pay your parents back because they are not asking. It's not ok to overspend on non-essential presents when you have agreed that you will stick to a budget.
Is it a case that you buying birthday presents for your friends was the straw that broke the camel's back?

@beigebrownblue

Never, ever share a bank acoount with a partner.

This doesn't bode well. You would be better off on your own. Really.

Why would she be better off on her own, if she is in debt and can't stick to a budget? Wonder what would happen if a woman came on here, said she and her DH were in debt, owed money to both sets of parents, and she was staying under budget every week while he is always over, this time because he wanted to buy presents for 2 of his mates? I think she'd be the one being advised to leave...

I think the thing is here it is quick to say he is being controlling but they clearly have been overspending and now have a strict budget.

OP it is clear that you still are seeing this seriously. You seem to think that because your parents arent nagging you (which means they did lend it and not give it) its ok not to pay back and go over the budget.

Has there honestly been a single week that you havent slightly gone over budget?

I am assuming that you have agreed to have the same amount of fun money each and that your share is not going on necessary expenses like food, children's clothes or agreed children's activities. If that's not the case, then ignore what I'm going to say next. If, however, it is the case then I see your OH's actions as a desperate attempt to save the relationship. I could not stay with someone who borrowed money but didn't think they needed to pay it back until asked, nor someone who made an agreement and then consistently ignored it and acted like they were entitled to do so. I would leave you TBH as the lack of respect for others is a big problem. You have no right to force you OH into debt or to keep him in debt. You do have the right, of course, to suggest reviewing whether the debt can be repaid more slowly and agreeing that with your creditors if the fun money is restricting you more than you want it to, but just making an agreement and then doing your own thing anyway is relationship threatening IMO. There is no reason for your OH to have to spend cash when he is able to stick to the agreement you made. I don't really think he should take the credit card TBH but what else can he do? Does he just have to accept that you can spend what you want and he has to just shut up and live with that? That's not a good relationship.

There’s a word for taking money from people with no intention of returning it and without their consent.

Reverting to cash pots is a budgeting technique. It also demonstrates what the OP is doing here. When she has spent up her personal pot she dips into someone else’s. Basically her husbands or the repayment pot, which is the parents money. She is now doing that with his consent.

Now consider living with someone who consistently takes £20 put of your purse because they can’t deny themselves. I wouldn’t. Equally I would not take a card off the person. But don’t really see a solution here. Totally untenable relationship driven is the OP doesn’t change.

I've been the DH is the relationship, my exh and I had debts and wanted to buy house etc so we agreed a budget each week. The same amount for each of us. He would go over budget each week without fail, it was a decent amount too £120 a week ten years ago!!

He even used to take the rent money from our friend who lodged with us and spend that, I only found out when he moved out and asked him for it and he told me he'd given it to DH.

I'd find myself trying to save a little each week for a pair of shoes or a dress only after I'd saved it up ended up handing it over for a bill or debt payment.

What OP is doing is the same, it wasn't a one of overspend she has admitted it's been every week for months.

What on earth is a necessary spend from Amazon!?

Kids shoes or a bigger than expected electric bill maybe.

In the end I stopped bothering, I managed all the finances, didn't tell him anything (he didn't ask) and over 2/3 years saved a deposit for an investment property.

The OP husband isn't withholding money, he is giving her the same amount as he has just in cash, removing the temptation to overspend as she has proven she can't manage this herself.

You shouldn’t be buying presents when you owe people money. Pay your parents back, they shouldn’t have to ask, you should be getting night work and cutting ALL extra expenses till you are out of debt. Nobody should need to take your card away you are behaving like a child! Take your card back and stop using it yourself. What ON EARTH can you need from Amazon if you owe your parents money.

It's not a feminist issue. Calm down.

it absolutely is a feminist issue. Both of their wages are paid into this joint account and he is controlling the money that she has earned. If that isn't a feminist issue i don't know what is, he only feels able to do this because he thinks he's the more important one in the relationship.

I would bet quite a lot of money that OP's difficulties keeping to the budget are because she is spending her personal allowance on things that are actually joint responsibilities (eg hosting as a couple, gifts from them as a couple etc)

OP this is financially controlling and I'd be looking at the whole relationship with a more critical eye.