My husband took my credit card

[Sophiewoods]

Hey, my husband and I agreed together on a budget and that I was supposed to stick to this budget. However last week I was about £20 over this budget. My hubby got really annoyed with me for this, especially as he has managed to stick to his side of the agreement. He has now taken away my credit card to our joint account and has given me cash for my budget this week and says he will give me money every week. As much as I realise what I did was bad and he has a right to be annoyed, I think him taking away my credit card is an over reaction and a bit controlling. I think he should trust me more. It is a massive pain having to pay in cash and also I can't buy things online and use Amazon. I'm 34, my husband in 37. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6. I work part time. Everything else in our relationship is great. Do you think I am right to think he is being a bit controlling? I know he is trying to help me stick to this budget but it seems a bit of an over the top reaction to me

Jeez, anyone with half a brain can see this isn’t about a mere £20 overspend on gifts to friends. Why have you prioritised treating your friends when you owe a lot of money (your own words) to other people?

How did you get into a such a financial mess in the first place that you had to ask your parents to bail you out?

Did they just smile indulgently and hand over the money or did you make promises to them about managing your money better, that you had no intention of keeping?

How much money do you owe your parents in total?

We’re you ever planning to pay it back or did you take their money assuming they’d write off the debts?

I’m more on your husband’s side. You’ve agreed a plan to get out of debt but you’re constantly disregarding it and over spending on non vital things. I wouldn’t want a joint account with you. Personally I think you should change to solo accounts. If you want to stay in debt it would then be easier for him to leave.

I don't think it's right that he has taken your card away at all.

I can also appreciate his frustration when you owe money to both sets of parents and he's trying to get it paid back, but you keep overspending.

However, it's key what you're overspending on. Is buying stuff for the kids having an impact? Are you doing more of the food shop etc?

The budget needs to be a realistic amount and it sounds like for you it isn't. And if that's due to factors above then he's being unfair. If you're just buying any old shit then I can see why he's reached his limit. But I bet you're actually picking up loads of extra little expenses that he doesn't need to factor in to his side of the budget.

Absolutely this. He’s meant to be her partner, her equal

Precisely. Yet she behaves like an irresponsible child spending money on gifts for her friends when her family is struggling.

@mam0918

This is why you dont have joint bank accounts.

Seperate them, set up direct debits so you each pay half of the house costs etc... and anything left you spend as you deem fit.

great, but when someone is unwilling to stick to a budget, or the amount they have in their account, it's an open door for ridiculous overdrafts and even more debts.

Any reasonable adult would be very worried about even more debts they won't even know about.

There may be there budgets, OP's, husband's and then household and the OP is constantly going over her budget.

If that's the case then I have no sympathy for the OP.

Three*

So you're comfortable getting into debt and letting your parents/parents in law pay it off for you?

That speaks volumes OP.

Your DH is very sensible.

i think we need more information. First off.. he's got no right to confiscate your debit card. NONE. i'd be cancelling it and ordering a new one, or thinking about opening a personal bank account and moving my money.. and fuck him. that being said...

@Sophiewoods you say you're regularly pushing the limit of your budget, and he's staying comfortably in it.

What are you spending it on? Is it all personal/frivolous stuff, or are you being expected to run the household on that budget (groceries, fuel, stuff for kids...etc) while he's spending his solely on himself?

IMHO having both joint and personal accounts is best. You pool your wages in a joint account that all bills, household costs (like groceries, kids essentials) come out of, and extras, like gifts for friends/family, then each have a personal account that you transfer an agreed amount into for frivolous purchases, like coffee, non-essential clothing and so on.

@Remoulade

Absolutely this. He’s meant to be her partner, her equal

Precisely. Yet she behaves like an irresponsible child spending money on gifts for her friends when her family is struggling.

Then he moves his money out of the joint account. What he doesn’t get to do, is control her money.

She’s not overspending on kids clothes or food.

She’s overspending on presents for adult friends.

Like. Wise up. Grow up. And act like a responsible adult.

@Naunet

She needs to pay back their debts too, this is not just his fucking responsibility.

[quote Remoulade]@Naunet

She needs to pay back their debts too, this is not just his fucking responsibility.[/quote]
Absolutely, hence why I’ve never indicated that it was just his responsibility 🤨

@Naunet

Yet you're saying the solution is moving his money out of the joint account. How does that fix the problem?

@Sophiewoods

Our account is a joint account and both our wages are paid in there. We have both spent too much in the past and have had to borrow quite a bit of money from both of our parents. He is very keen to pay this money back, but none of our parents are really nagging us about it. We agreed this budget a few months ago, he has stuck to it fairly comfortably every week. I have been pushing it and gone very slightly over every week. Last week I bought birthday presents for 2 close friends which pushed me over.

Then you need to get a grip.

All excuses. Unless your close friends are 9, they can get with the program and be told 'no can do. I'm broke.'

Grow up OP and start behaving like an adult. If I was your husband I'd be absolutely furious.

@JeepersCreeping

I think it's financially abusive.

By the OP.

You're in debt. You've borrowed cash off loads of relatives but aren't bothered about paying it back because they're not kicking up a fusss (?!). Your DH has tried to fix the mess by looking at your finances and you agreed a budget. You overspend weekly. It's on frivilous stuff like birthday gifts for friends.

No wonder your DH took your card away. Your attitude would be the last straw for me.

Grow up OP. Pay back your debt and start being a fucking team player, because it's not fair on your DH to have to be the adult here and sort this out all on his own.

Financial abuse is being done to her DH! She is spending money they don't have and dragging him down with her.

I'd be threatening to leave, not taking her card away.

Perhaps he thought he'd married an adult.

Ridiculous

I should learn to read and do my work

@BarbaraofSeville

Obviously a bank card being taken away sounds controlling, can anyone suggest another solution to op, every week, financially behaving like an irresponsible child? I can't

She needs a card with the agreed budget transferred to it each week/month, to be available on a 'when it's gone, it's gone' basis.

Either a prepaid card or some bank accounts don't allow overdrafts. I use a Starling account for personal spending money and as far as I know, there's no overdraft facility unless you specifically apply for it.

But that system would require discipline for the OP to not 'borrow' money from the joint account, which she'd need access to for grocery shopping/expenses for DC etc. Plus not apply for any other cards that the DH doesn't know about.

It kind of sounds like that's what the OP would do, find another way to go over budget.

He should trust me.

I have been pushing it and gone very slightly over every week.

Do you see why he doesn't trust you in this, OP?

Being in a relationship with an adult child is exhausting.
It's not ok to dictate your partner's bedtimes, but if they stay awake till 3 playing videogames, then sleep till lunch leaving you with housework and DC?
It's not ok to throw out some one else's possessions, but if they hoard shit and leave it all over the house, making it unlivable?
Debt and spending is the same. It's not really ok to deny your partner access to family money, but if they blow it on shit and leave you in debt all over town? He probably wakes up at night stressing about owing his DP money, while you spend insane amounts on crap like presents for friends.
There are no easy answers, but this is what kills marriages. No one wants to parent their spouse. And the irresponsible spouses don't want to be controlled either.
If he leaves, he'll end up having to pay child support, and pay back the debts, and no doubt will be constantly dipping his hand in for more, because the op will never have money for basics like food and rent, because all her income goes to service debt accumulated by frittering.
All my sympathy is for your DH.
And I don't believe it was 'our' spending that caused the debt. If he's living within his means now, he's probably always done it.

@Longestfewdaysupcoming

She’s not overspending on kids clothes or food.

She’s overspending on presents for adult friends.

Like. Wise up. Grow up. And act like a responsible adult.

OP hasn't said what she usually spends her money on, just that on this occasion it's 2 birthday gifts that have pushed her over.

I don't really think we have enough information to know whether OP is consistently pushing the budget because she's frivolous or because she has more actual expenses than her DH.

It could be that OP is the one mainly caring for the 2 and 4 year old children and so she picks up the majority of their expenses, even just little things, spends more on petrol running them about, has to spend on entertainment etc etc. Maybe she's picking up extra bits and pieces from the supermarket through the week as well. Or it could be that actually the DH is the one with all these expenses and OP is just frittering money away. But without more info on what OP is usually spending on it's hard to tell if she's unreasonable or not.

@covidcloser what I mean is that household expenses for both should be one budget.
If she’s shopping for the family and he’s only buying personal stuff then she’s obviously going to go over budget while he shouldn’t even be going past 10% of his.

It depends also whether the budget was mutually agreed or whether OP's DH decided the amount and that was it. Consistently going over could indicate that it's just not a suitable budget for OP's actual expenses.

Yes we borrowed money from both our parents but they are not really asking for it back

Why should they have to ask?! You owe them money. It's your responsibility to make sure it is paid back, not continually keep overspending your budget so that you never pay them back.

If you want to buy presents for your friends, you need to learn to plan for that. You cut back on other things, you underspend a few weeks, so that you have enough spare to do it. You don't just blow the budget every single week. YABU.

I dont think though the OP Is taking it seriously - yes it is small amounts now but it is clear that she has overspent in the past causing debts to both sets of parents.

Overspending is an addiction just like any other - and at the moment the OP is testing it out by just having the odd overspend here and there and now with 2 close friends presents. It is no different in her attitude to I can have the odd drink/bet/cigarette etc and it will be fine.

Because it isnt and it is clear that she has gone from overspending a little to a little bit more