My husband took my credit card

[Sophiewoods]

Hey, my husband and I agreed together on a budget and that I was supposed to stick to this budget. However last week I was about £20 over this budget. My hubby got really annoyed with me for this, especially as he has managed to stick to his side of the agreement. He has now taken away my credit card to our joint account and has given me cash for my budget this week and says he will give me money every week. As much as I realise what I did was bad and he has a right to be annoyed, I think him taking away my credit card is an over reaction and a bit controlling. I think he should trust me more. It is a massive pain having to pay in cash and also I can't buy things online and use Amazon. I'm 34, my husband in 37. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6. I work part time. Everything else in our relationship is great. Do you think I am right to think he is being a bit controlling? I know he is trying to help me stick to this budget but it seems a bit of an over the top reaction to me

I don’t know… probably after years of debt and months of over spending, this £20 was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

@category12

I think (sweeping statement on its way!) that men don't realise that women have higher spending needs than they do. You said it was presents for 2 close friends that took you over your budget... what man buys gifts for friend's birthdays?

Bollocks. My ex spent loads more than me.

And buying presents for adults is not a need. You just give them a card or a token present if you're skint.

That's true actually, I can no longer afford to buy friends presents.

But if that's the done thing in OP's circle and they're not actually skint then it could be allowed for in OP's budget.

I get the need to pay the parents back but if the parents are wealthy then I'm sure they'd rather have smaller instalments and have OP be able to save face, and a tenner each is really only enough for token presents anyway

I think we probably don't really know enough about the circumstances to judge this properly

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Just get a replacement.

To be fair though, adults who are in debt shouldn't be purchasing birthday gifts for their friends.

This is good advice. It's useful to have a card for emergencies so get a replacement. Then reassess your priorities. Buying a fellow adult a gift is not even a necessity let alone an emergency. Paying off debt is much more important.

Lack of detail and context makes it hard to judge. But if DH is the decent guy you say he is, then you should be able to work out an equitable budget.

However, I will say that you appear very blase about the loans from parents and in-laws, and your language around it is immature and disrespectful. You say they're not really nagging, not nagging seriously. So they do say something from time to time? And how can you be certain that your inlaws haven't said anything to your DH?

It's very easy for grandparents to feel they have to bail out a child for the sake of the grandchildren. They might not be saying much, but they're probably thinking plenty. Family debt can taint relationships for years.

People seem to be missing the 'going over budget every week'. It is NOT about £20.

He must be so embarrassed that his parents lent you both money and you have no intention of paying it unless they ask. Especially considering you both owe YOUR parents money too.

I'd suggest a pre-pay debit card, then you can put the money he gives you onto that. Plus write down everything you buy, you might see a pattern that can help you nip overspending in the bud. Learn to budget. You're damn lucky it's your parents you owe the money to and not banks/credit card companies.

Some comments on here are making my blood boil. It is not acceptable for a man to take away his wife's credit card. Some people should get back to the 1950s.

I don't think people are saying it's OK for him to take the card.

But it's also not OK to break your agreements with your partner.

It depends entirely on the circumstances. If a woman said that she'd taken away her DHs card because he was overspending/gambling while they owed money, would you think he should keep the card?

People saying buy a 'token present'. To my mind that's shorthand for buying a completely unnecessary and unwanted piece of tat that will probably end up in landfill or the charity shop. And what is it a token of? What does it say? I bought you something because the only way I can show I appreciate you is to spend a small amount of money on you? It's all consumerist bollocks.

A well chosen card is a much more meaningful gesture than buying someone yet more stuff. Or even better, a handmade card and a homemade cake or flowers from the garden.

No matter what is normal in the op’s social circle, if you can’t afford presents for adult friends, you can’t afford them.

Honestly if I was her DH, I would have left. I will never be in a situation again where my OH is spending over agreed amounts month after month. The stress of that would break me.

We agreed this budget a few months ago, he has stuck to it fairly comfortably every week. I have been pushing it and gone very slightly over every week

So the issue is why is it that he can stick to the budget when you can't. Either the budget is wrong and doesn't properly allow for spending incurred on your bills or you are spending more on non essentials against a reasonable budget. Without knowing which it is its hard to comment.

On the face of it "he took my card for a 20ukp overspend" seems utterly unreasonable but I've seen both men and women in relationships driven to distraction and divorce by one partner being unable to control their spending.

Some comments on here are making my blood boil. It is not acceptable for a man to take away his wife's credit card. Some people should get back to the 1950s.

Absolutely, it is not the 1950s, she shouldn’t be expecting her husband to bear the financial responsibility of paying the debts and keeping the household afloat while she is useless at managing money and can’t hold herself from overspending.

We agreed this budget a few months ago, he has stuck to it fairly comfortably every week. I have been pushing it and gone very slightly over every week. Last week I bought birthday presents for 2 close friends which pushed me over.

Note that the OP has said she has been going over every week since the budget was agreed, not just a one-off overspend of £20. An overspend of 20 a week every week would be £1040 over the course of a year. As Mr Micawber said '‘Annual income 20 pounds, annual expenditure 19 [pounds] 19 [shillings] and six [pence], result happiness. Annual income 20 pounds, annual expenditure 20 pounds ought and six, result misery.’ When you're on a tight budget a little bit each week or month makes a massive difference.

To give some context, my dad would do this. Eventually he accumulated £25,000 of credit card debt which he had no means to pay back. Well, he could have done, but he has a tendency to hold his hands up in helplessness. My mum took out loans and worked into her 70s to make the repayments. She now won't allow him to have credit cards. I wish she had taken them off him sooner.

The OP's DH is doing something quite extreme and he may be a controlling arse. Or he may be someone who can see how this will likely pan out and who wants to put a stop to it now. He's between the devil and the deep blue sea. Do nothing and the OP may get him into serious debt. Do something and he infantilises her and ultimately may not cure the problem as she won't learn to control her spending without someone else imposing restrictions.

@Rebelwithverysharpclaws

Some comments on here are making my blood boil. It is not acceptable for a man to take away his wife's credit card. Some people should get back to the 1950s.

If it helps I'm a woman and I cut up all my husbands credit cards when he consistently overspent and got us into debt

That's equality for you

If this was about a man breaking agreements and going over budget constantly, let alone having this attitude towards debt to family, taking the card away from him would be the least many people would suggest. I'm pretty sure LTB would be among the top 5 replies. Because it almost always is.

Buying presents for adult friends is not a good reason to blow the budget.

@Rebelwithverysharpclaws

Some comments on here are making my blood boil. It is not acceptable for a man to take away his wife's credit card. Some people should get back to the 1950s.

I am a cardholder on DHs credit card account (there is no such thing as a “joint” credit card. He can take it away any or cancel any time he chooses, the bank don’t need my permission, I have no legal obligation to pay the bill, the debt is entirely my DHs. If I abused the card I would totally expect him to take it away.

OP is talking about a debit card on a joint account which is different BUT she is consistently overspending on a jointly agreed budget on an account which her DH had joint responsibility for any overspend. It’s “only £20” but if that’s on a budget of £100 then it’s a 20 percent overspend which is pretty hefty.

If I was consistently spending more money than we had I would totally expect my DH to do something to curb my overspending and vice versa.

Your attitude to debt stinks. What is it you are spending that he is not? Is the budget not accounting for something or are you unable to curb spending?

@singlehun

I think (sweeping statement on its way!) that men don't realise that women have higher spending needs than they do. You said it was presents for 2 close friends that took you over your budget... what man buys gifts for friend's birthdays?

Do you buy more for the kids too? If you work part time and are with them more as a result then you may find the odd snack at the park, coffee on a play date etc. Adds up.

Maybe you need to sit down together and rehash the budget?

Th odd snack in the park & coffee on play date are luxuries though.

We have no idea how fair or nfair it is, no idea of the budget , if its realistic etc etc.

All we know is THEY have set a budget- she cannot stick to it, and feels hard done by by the ( now) measures her husband has taken.

If she had a budgetof £200 a week to feed them and he had £20 for his bus ticket, yes he has a right to be annoyed
If she has £200 to feed them and he has same for his bus ticket, then No, he isnt being fair.

The fact remains, whoever has what , she isnt sticking to her saide of THEIR plan. It needs effort from both sides. Whatelse could he have done?

£20 is not a huge amount, and there was a reasonable explanation.

I think that’s a little controlling.

£20 can be a lot if you're on a low income and tight budget.

Anyway, it's not a one off and it's not really the amount, it's breaking her agreement with her partner on a regular basis. He can't trust her to stick to what she says.

It sounds as though OP and her DH are fundamentally mismatched.

He thinks they should spend carefully and pay back debt.
She thinks that overspending slightly every week is no big deal and the debt is not that important.

I'm not sure how they resolve it unless one of them changes their mindset, tbh.

£20 to me at times might as well have been thousands.

And buying presents for adult friends is not a reasonable explanation for going over an agreed budget. No adult friend needs a present. A card would do if you’re on a budget and prioritising repaying debts.

Hmm this is tricky, it doesn't sound like he handled it well but equally I would be a bit desperate if we agreed a budget and my partner went over every week especially to buy stuff like gifts for friends. It doesn't sound like you take the plan seriously or care that you owe both parents money which is a bit off, just cause they haven't asked for it back doesn't mean you should just ignore it.

Sounds like the £20 is just the fun money as well so hardly denying the kids essentials to pay back the debt just need a but more control

Not sure what else he could do to be fair

If a woman said that she'd taken away her DHs card because he was overspending/gambling while they owed money, would you think he should keep the card?

It's basically what my mum did. It was that or debtor's jail for the pair of them (not in UK). It's not much of a choice. Watching them, I've made damn sure any partner I have understands how to budget and sticks to it.

@Rebelwithverysharpclaws

Some comments on here are making my blood boil. It is not acceptable for a man to take away his wife's credit card. Some people should get back to the 1950s.

Surely it depends on the reason. Op doesn't seem too bothered about paying back both sets of parents back and has been over budget each time. Maybe he's reached the end of his tether about it. I'm sure many women would do the same thing in this situation.