Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband took my credit card

442 replies

Sophiewoods · 30/06/2021 22:50

Hey, my husband and I agreed together on a budget and that I was supposed to stick to this budget. However last week I was about £20 over this budget. My hubby got really annoyed with me for this, especially as he has managed to stick to his side of the agreement. He has now taken away my credit card to our joint account and has given me cash for my budget this week and says he will give me money every week. As much as I realise what I did was bad and he has a right to be annoyed, I think him taking away my credit card is an over reaction and a bit controlling. I think he should trust me more. It is a massive pain having to pay in cash and also I can't buy things online and use Amazon. I'm 34, my husband in 37. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6. I work part time. Everything else in our relationship is great. Do you think I am right to think he is being a bit controlling? I know he is trying to help me stick to this budget but it seems a bit of an over the top reaction to me

OP posts:
Longestfewdaysupcoming · 01/07/2021 10:40

I never said it wasn’t.

She needs to wise up and get real pretty quick. She would be far skinter as a single parent on a part time wage having to pay back half of joint debts.

Naunet · 01/07/2021 10:41

@Longestfewdaysupcoming

I never said it wasn’t.

She needs to wise up and get real pretty quick. She would be far skinter as a single parent on a part time wage having to pay back half of joint debts.

That, I agree with!
dickiedavisthunderthighs · 01/07/2021 10:46

If this were the other way round, and OP was the major earner trying to pay off debt whilst their OH was consistently overspending despite agreeing to a budget, the responses would be unanimous.
OP's DH hasn't withdrawn any access to money, she still has the agreed budget each week, just in a different form.

saleorbouy · 01/07/2021 10:52

Would you be annoyed if he committed to do something and then showed no discipline or regard for that agreement.
You obviously agreed to save for something so stick to it.
Taking your card is showing you how easy it is to spend from your sofa without thinking.
Differing financial ambition and overspending are familiar causes of marriage breakdown.
Take heed of this lesson and don't renage on your commitments.

Bluntness100 · 01/07/2021 10:57

At the outset this seemed to be potentially financially abusive but OP seems to be the one over spending.

Agree, she wrote it that he took her card as she went twenty quid over, then drip fed in she goes over every single week and is in serious debt.

chickenyhead · 01/07/2021 11:00

I believe a thread like this would usually get LTB responses. Yet herein the OP has been vilified with inadequate context.

What's to say they don't get £200 a month. From his, he pays travel to work, lunches. From hers she buys food, clothes for the children and every sodding other thing. Still fait? Still just?

There are thousands of women in this country who have to account to their dominant partners for every penny spent. There are many who are set an unreasonable budget and expected to meet it.

Yes, she spent £20 on friends. Maybe the rest went on food.

SuperstoreFan · 01/07/2021 11:02

To be fair I think if the OP was paying for household things she would have mentioned it

singlehun · 01/07/2021 11:03

Op if you're still here can you let us know what the agreement with your parents was please? If they're wealthy and lent you money in a kind of "no rush to pay it back, we don't really need it, don't go stretching yourself" way but your husband is pressuring you to stick to a measly budget in order to pay it back then I think that's unfair.

We also need to know what you each spend your budgets on... do you have more child related expenses for example?

There are so many variables I really don't see how any one on the thread can really judge

singlehun · 01/07/2021 11:06

I am suddenly feeling very fortunate to be single and totally skint as I'd rather that than have to account for spending and budgets etc. to someone else.

Bluntness100 · 01/07/2021 11:07

@SuperstoreFan

To be fair I think if the OP was paying for household things she would have mentioned it
Yes I think so, reads to me like this is disposable income.
BarbaraofSeville · 01/07/2021 11:10

There are so many variables I really don't see how any one on the thread can really judge

Exactly. This is probably one of those situations where there are three sides to the story. Her version, his version and the truth.

Even if she said something like 'he's always moaning at me when I buy clothes for the DC so I get them out of my money' you need to know whether these are needed clothes or is she spending a fortune on every cute little outfit she sees so they have bulging drawers full?

Original poster
Sophiewoods · 01/07/2021 11:10

Ok I see what you mean about the birthday presents I'm going to take them both back

OP posts:
Bibidy · 01/07/2021 11:13

She may have but she also just might not consider it.

Maybe she has a separate personal budget and that's what she's always going over, which is bad. But as the mother of 2 young kids I would bet that she's the one picking up most of their bits and bobs out of her side of the budget.

Could be totally wrong obviously, but chances are the person who spends most time with the children is picking up most of their expenses, so I'd expect that person's budget to be bigger than the other's.

SuperstoreFan · 01/07/2021 11:14

@Sophiewoods

Ok I see what you mean about the birthday presents I'm going to take them both back
What else are you spending your money on?
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/07/2021 11:16

I mentioned before that I lived with a spendthrift mother. She and my dad had separate accounts, so she couldn't spend everything in them - she worked part time, and was given housekeeping money every month for bills etc. But she also had a credit card.
I know of 3 times that my Dad had to bail her out on the credit card because she couldn't pay it off, and there were probably more. For thousands, each time - she'd wait until it had gone that far before she'd tell him.

As far as I know, he never told her to cup up her card (but he should have) - but he was still the one who ended up having to pay her debts because she couldn't. When one person is financially inept, the other partner/spouse will still be lumbered, one way or another (unless they are genuinely financially abusive, which my dad wasn't).

So with the OP - if her DH separates his bank account from hers, she could still end up needing him to bail her out, if she doesn't sort her spending out.

Doodlebug71 · 01/07/2021 11:19

@Bluntness100

At the outset this seemed to be potentially financially abusive but OP seems to be the one over spending.

Agree, she wrote it that he took her card as she went twenty quid over, then drip fed in she goes over every single week and is in serious debt.

That drip feed is interesting. Both partners in a relationship have a responsibility to balance the budget. If one person goes over their budget consistently, and spends household money, that's going to bugger up the relationship, not just the finances. This sort of thing can be grounds for divorce.
LuvMyBubbles · 01/07/2021 11:19

Why did you need to borrow the money in the first place. I'm with hubby here. Maybe a bit harsh in taking the card but a budget is a budget.

Brainwave89 · 01/07/2021 11:20

Taking your card does sound slightly worrying to me. Equally, you should not be spending beyond your means and looking for the bank of mum and dad to bail you out. The fact they do not seem in a desperate hurry to get their cash back is not really relevant. There will always be nice things to spend your money on, but you need some restraint.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/07/2021 11:22

I think he should trust me more

No doubt, but trust has to be earned and you appear to be damaging it

I'm not sure that taking the card's the right way to go about things, but with so little background mentioned and your attitude to repaying your parents (or not) it's perhaps hard to blame him

BertramLacey · 01/07/2021 11:22

Yes, she spent £20 on friends. Maybe the rest went on food.

We don't know what she spent where, which is part of the problem. We don't even know she spent 20 on the friends. We know she went 20 over and it was because of presents. That might mean she spent 170/200 on essentials, then blew 50 on presents, bringing her 20 over. The OP isn't being terribly forthcoming, possibly because she's beginning to see she may be part of the problem.

covidcloser · 01/07/2021 11:23

@Sophiewoods

Ok I see what you mean about the birthday presents I'm going to take them both back

Can you maybe answer some of the all important questions posters are asking so they can make a more informed decision in order to advise you?

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 01/07/2021 11:26

@Sophiewoods

Ok I see what you mean about the birthday presents I'm going to take them both back
You need to answer the other questions people have asked if you want actual advice.
meanderingthrough · 01/07/2021 11:30

I don't know the ins and outs of your situation, but it might help reframe the voice in your head to "it's only £5 of someone else's money"

Killahangilion · 01/07/2021 11:40

You still haven’t said how much you borrowed in total from both your parents.

CastawayQueen · 01/07/2021 11:45

I don’t think OP WANTS any actual advice - they know they are being U, posted on here for validation because they know how anti-man mumsnet is.
However a lot of posters have called them out so they’re now just ignoring them.

Swipe left for the next trending thread