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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband took my credit card

442 replies

Sophiewoods · 30/06/2021 22:50

Hey, my husband and I agreed together on a budget and that I was supposed to stick to this budget. However last week I was about £20 over this budget. My hubby got really annoyed with me for this, especially as he has managed to stick to his side of the agreement. He has now taken away my credit card to our joint account and has given me cash for my budget this week and says he will give me money every week. As much as I realise what I did was bad and he has a right to be annoyed, I think him taking away my credit card is an over reaction and a bit controlling. I think he should trust me more. It is a massive pain having to pay in cash and also I can't buy things online and use Amazon. I'm 34, my husband in 37. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6. I work part time. Everything else in our relationship is great. Do you think I am right to think he is being a bit controlling? I know he is trying to help me stick to this budget but it seems a bit of an over the top reaction to me

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 01/07/2021 10:14

@Bibidy

It depends also whether the budget was mutually agreed or whether OP's DH decided the amount and that was it. Consistently going over could indicate that it's just not a suitable budget for OP's actual expenses.
yes exactly.

The OP has left a lot of relevant detail out of their posts which is great for the froth, not so good if the OP wants actual advice.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 01/07/2021 10:15

Ive a feeling you're the main reason for the debt and I can understand his frustration and reaction....... Also why the hell are you using a credit card at all? Ask your bank for a debit account with no overdraft that you top up each week. That way you can use it online and concentrate on getting yourself out of debt without making excuses.

Notaroadrunner · 01/07/2021 10:15

If I found out Dh was buying brithday presents for his friends while we were in debt I'd take his bloody card. That is not a necessary expense and I'd be fuming. You need to prioritise your debt. It doesn't matter if your respective parents aren't hounding you for repayment of their loans - they still need to be paid. And you spending money on your friends before paying them back is very disrespectful and irresponsible.

LindaEllen · 01/07/2021 10:16

@pallisers

How much was the budget that you were £20. To be honest if we agreed a budget and to stick to it, then even a partner I had joint finances with (after that serious discussion) repeatedly overspent I might do the same short term and not think it was abusive.

Seriously - you'd cut off a credit card from your adult partner over a 20 pound overshot and would tell them you will give them an allowance from now on??? And would expect them to still like you and have sex with you?

People are weird.

But it's not just £20 is it. It's going over budget EVERY week.

If our finances were that tight, I'd be really pissed off with DP if he couldn't stick to the budget, and insisted that he simply had to spend more than what we agreed because he had to buy presents for his friends (which is what the OP spent it on).

SoupDragon · 01/07/2021 10:22

@Bibidy

It depends also whether the budget was mutually agreed or whether OP's DH decided the amount and that was it. Consistently going over could indicate that it's just not a suitable budget for OP's actual expenses.
The very first sentence says my husband and I agreed together on a budget
Naunet · 01/07/2021 10:22

[quote Remoulade]@Naunet

Yet you're saying the solution is moving his money out of the joint account. How does that fix the problem?[/quote]
No, I’m very clearly saying he does not get to control HER money. If he feels she is an irresponsible spender (which seems to be the case), then the best thing he can do is have a separate account. It is not legal to control someone else’s money, so yes, he should act within the law, sorry you feel that’s unreasonable.

PerveenMistry · 01/07/2021 10:23

@Karmalady

There is another very large forum around, mainly dedicated to money saving, getting out of debt etc. where posters generally always advise doing what OPs husband has done, in these circumstances, where money is owed, where one of them has spent over budget on non essentials. They says”take all cards away, give them x amount a week, in cash”.

Perhaps he’s been on there? The advice isn’t gender related - they suggest it anyway.

Every forum will have different posters, with different views and advice.

But, as a mum, with grown up kids, who I have lent money to, although I’ve never pushed for repayment, I would be a bit annoyed if nothing had been paid back, but money was just being wasted on fripperies.

If you owe money, pay it back as soon as you can.

What forum is that?
SoupDragon · 01/07/2021 10:24

Then he moves his money out of the joint account. What he doesn’t get to do, is control her money.

And he would still be accused of being financially abusive

RaginaFalangi · 01/07/2021 10:24

Get a replacement.
You need to start sticking to the budget if that's what you agreed to.
Could you not have a monthly budget? Then if you blow it on the first week then that's your own fault

LIZS · 01/07/2021 10:25

He's treating you like a child because you behave like a child. Wise up to your responsibilities to rein this in and make a plan to repay what you owe parents. Stop spending money you cannot afford on all non essentials. Your commitment to doing so seems very lax.

trancepants · 01/07/2021 10:26

@pallisers

Reverse?

Like this would be ok if a woman did it to a man? Jesus what kind of relationships do people think are ok?

My ex over spent and over spent. He constantly ran up massive debts on our joint accounts and then on secret accounts and cards he'd take out. For years, I was living on next to nothing as I was constantly struggling to pay off the debts he ran up. Towards the end, there was a day where we literally just about had the money to pay our rent that was due the following day in our account. He was going out and I knew was going to spend several hundred of that money (on his alcohol addiction), meaning our rent payment would fail and we'd not only have failed to pay the rent but would owe the bank a penalty for a failed direct debit. I hid our bank cards and wouldn't let him know where they were. He used this as an example of how terribly controlling I was for years. But it was nothing more than sheer desperation. His constant overspending was controlling of me. Sometimes, an act that in isolation might seem controlling, is actually nothing more than a desperate attempt to regain a tiny amount of control in a situation that you have been beat down by for years.
SoupDragon · 01/07/2021 10:26

If the OP had done this to her spendthrift DH I bet very few would have criticised her. Most would be telling her to LTB.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 01/07/2021 10:27

@Naunet she agreed the budget though.

And then didn’t bother to stick to it or even try to. She’s been deliberately pushing it week after week after weeks which is totally taking the piss.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 01/07/2021 10:28

And she’s the one who said she was pushing it. Which smacks of testing his far she can push it.

I’d be so far gone you’d see my dust by this point.

Naunet · 01/07/2021 10:29

[quote Longestfewdaysupcoming]@Naunet she agreed the budget though.

And then didn’t bother to stick to it or even try to. She’s been deliberately pushing it week after week after weeks which is totally taking the piss.[/quote]
Yes, I know! I’ve read the thread, she seems very irresponsible with money. That’s why he needs his own account. It still doesn’t give him an excuse to take control of HER wages.

Branleuse · 01/07/2021 10:29

I think this is a reverse.

If I kept overspending despite being in huge debt and having an agreed budget, I think id ask my partner to take my credit card. The cash thing is a great idea. Hopefully stop those impulse purchases. Id also delete the amazon account.

fruitbrewhaha · 01/07/2021 10:30

You need to detail the debt and the budget really for any of us to see if it's reasonable or not.

But is does sound to me like you don't really want to pay your parents back. If you'd gone over budget each week with food shopping or an emergency I'd say the budget is too small and you just need to review how much money you have available each week, but as it was for presents I'd say you where wrong to do that. You could have baked some biscuits or offered to babysit for an evening which wouldn't have cost anything.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/07/2021 10:30

Well, I took credit and debit cards off DH many years ago, and I gave him pocket money for a few months.

We had to do something to get our finances sorted and I was the one least likely to use the cards.

I didn't take them until he went over the agreed limit and put us back into an overdraft. He wasn't happy but couldn't really argue that he had spent the money on anything important - a bit like OP and her presents for friends. Nice but not essential.

Sometimes you play to your strengths in a partnership.

Remoulade · 01/07/2021 10:30

@Naunet

She is taking the piss and he is trying to sort their finances out. He is doing the right thing, sorry you can't see that.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 01/07/2021 10:32

@Naunet well then she’s fucked isn’t she? How’s she going to pay bills etc on a part time wage? If he takes all access to his money away …

Naunet · 01/07/2021 10:33

[quote Remoulade]@Naunet

She is taking the piss and he is trying to sort their finances out. He is doing the right thing, sorry you can't see that.[/quote]
The right thing does not involve breaking the law. The right thing, is to look after his own finances.

Naunet · 01/07/2021 10:34

[quote Longestfewdaysupcoming]@Naunet well then she’s fucked isn’t she? How’s she going to pay bills etc on a part time wage? If he takes all access to his money away …[/quote]
What a strange idea! You can only share bills if you have a joint account now?!

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 01/07/2021 10:34

That’s not what I said @Naunet

Naunet · 01/07/2021 10:36

@Longestfewdaysupcoming

That’s not what I said *@Naunet*
Well then what’s the problem? It’s still possible for him to cover his share of the bills with a separate account.
YarnOver · 01/07/2021 10:40

At the outset this seemed to be potentially financially abusive but OP seems to be the one over spending.

OP your parents aren't asking for the money back but that doesn't mean you don't need to pay it. They probably don't want to pressure you or are embarrassed to ask their GROWN daughter for money.

You have a responsibility to your parents and inlaws to pay them back bevsuee you've borrowed it. To say that they're not asking you is incredibly disrespectful to be honest - you owe it and so you need to return it and not continue to overspend.

I'm afraid I agree about your card being taken. Your DH is trying to stick to budget and you aren't. You're also disrespecting people who have loaned you money. You need to have a proper look at yourself and your attitude to money, spending, budget and how you pay people back.