Goading

[Platterpuss]

NC for this as I feel so crappy.

Everyone who knows me says I’m ultra caring, kind and fun to be around. I’d say that I’m proud of this. I do feel a bubbly person.
Flip side, there’s been a lot of comments in terms of DH’s moods and fiery nature. He doesn’t hide it.

Back story: I’m a sahm to my ill daughter. She’s been in and out of hospital with a long term condition. It’s been tough but I’ve not let it get to me, and remained positive.
I pamper dh. I don’t know why and I know it’s to my detriment but I guess it’s easier to.
I get up every morning (sometimes 5:30am) and make his breakfast and packed lunch for him while he stands and watches me. (He doesn’t like his sandwiches done the night before!)
In the evening when he gets home from work, I ask nothing from him. I cook and clear up. He’s a bit of a princess tbh.

Anyway..he is fairly moody and if things don’t go his way, he flips!!
He got home from work last night in a fuming mood. It left me on egg shells but I still got him a beer and cooked and stayed up beat.
This morning while I was making his breakfast, he was snarling about life. Then said I hadn’t spoken to him properly yet (?!) and was obviously sulking! (I’m not a sulker). When I replied ‘but I’m busy and will be there shortly’, he snarled under his breath and then said I was being argumentative.
I said ‘you’ve just said I’m sulking, and now you’re saying I’m argumentative, I’m confused’
He continued to goad me saying that was me, either sulking or argumentative!! I didn’t reply. He carried on and on at me, while watching me make his sandwiches for lunch.
Then he gave his trump card...’time of the month is it?’

Is it just me..but this is a line that shouldn’t be used?! I find it really invasive and personal.

He’s deflecting all his moods onto me, then finding a reason for them being my fault!!

Last month I didn’t have PMT as I was in hospital with our daughter. That taught me a lot. Maybe I don’t actually get it?! Maybe it’s him making me think I have?!

I asked him twice calmly this morning to stop as it wasn’t worth it, but he continued goading me. The last comment was said, and I walked away.

Just feel so deflated ☹️

I wouldn’t be walking on eggshells in my own home. Whenever my husband is moody I just ignore him and get on with my day.

If you’re going to stay in the marriage then you are going to have to be more assertive and stand up for yourself.

Next time he starts giving you an attitude just stop whatever task you’re doing for him and walk away and get on with your day. I don’t care if you’re in the middle of packing his lunch. Leave it half unmade and walk away.

Better yet. Sleep in and let him make his own lunch. He has it way too good and is taking you for granted.

There’s so many other things that you could be doing at 5:30 am:

1. Sleeping
2. Early morning run/ yoga/ meditation
3. Coffee/tea in quiet and solitude before the family wakes
4. Hot bubble bath
5. Did I say sleeping.. yeah sleeping.

If I were you I would start doing a lot less for him. Let him make his own lunch. If he dares ask then tell him “oh you do a so much better job than me, I guess it’s just better for you to make it from now on.”…
Then roll over and go right back to bed.

He’s selfish and really should thank his icky stars he has a wife. You obviously love this man in order to deal with him and I hope he knows this.. no one else would put up with this.

Just let him start doing his own things for himself from now on if that’s how he feels.

I really hope you’re going to sleep in tomorrow and let him do his own breakfast.

No doubt I’ll be up. I just don’t feel strong enough. I’ve told him tonight he’s ungrateful. He said sarcastically what an awful life I must have!!

I don't think you get it OP. Until you stop doing these things he will never appreciate it and will continue to treat you like a skivvy/emotional punch bag.

What's the point in moaning if you're not aiming for change?

You have a spine, use it.

Go see a solicitor.

Honestly - your life would be so much nicer without your abusive arsehole of a husband. Why are you staying?

He's a total dick.

We each get one, precious life.

You're spending yours being bullied by someone who feels only contempt for you.

Don't you want more for your one, precious life?

I agree see a solicitor - then you don't have to DO anything to DP - no persuading, arguing, warning. Just leave him to get on with it.
But you ---speak to a solicitor, not so you can leave but just so that you know what a future could be. Find out the facts, financial, house etc then you are in a confident and stronger position to plan your future. And a confident and strong position to deal with that prat. You are in control.

He really is goading you.

“Is it the time of the month?” is a shitty thing to ask and sounds like he wanted you to be annoyed/start a row.

OP, your H has no respect for you. None. This is why he treats you in such. A despicably, unkind way. No one deserves to be treated like this. It’s time to put you and your daughter first.

Refusing to make his sandwiches is not going to make this man start appreciating what the OP does for him. Staying in bed instead of rising at the crack of dawn to cook his breakfast is not going to make this man suddenly have an epiphany and realise that he should be a nicer person instead of the pig that he really is.
I speak from many years of experience. The fallout just isn't worth it. The only advice I would ever give to any woman in this situation is to start imagining how life could be without such a horrible man and to start taking steps to turn it into a reality.
Men like this do not change. Not ever.

Oh OP. You know you're being far too nice and accommodating to him, you know the criticisms are unfounded. But you still feel you have to keep smiling and prove him wrong even though you already know it.

You have a terrible mixture of being afraid of what his anger will be like, and guilt at the idea that somehow it's true that you really aren't treating him well enough. (Notice he doesn't worry about whether you think that of him.) Both are reasons to end this. You deserve better than living with a regularly angry, cruel man, and/or one who is so detached from reality that he genuinely thinks this bullying behaviour is somehow justified.

Practicalities. Whose name is the house in? I take it he's not your daughter's father. Can you move in with someone you know as a temporary fix while you look for somewhere? This can't go on. And it won't get better because he has no incentive to be better.

House is joint names. He is my children’s father. My eldest he openly adores. My youngest he’s pretty hard with. She looks like me and is quite strong. She’s my rock.

I get up every morning (sometimes 5:30am) and make his breakfast and packed lunch for him while he stands and watches me.

I haven't read beyond this, never mind the rest of your post and the four pages of responses. What a useless twonk. That's before I have read any further!

What a horrible way to live OP. He sounds like a nightmare.

@Platterpuss

House is joint names. He is my children’s father. My eldest he openly adores. My youngest he’s pretty hard with. She looks like me and is quite strong. She’s my rock.

He adores one kid and is harder on the other?

She shouldn't need to be your rock, it's further proof of an absolutely abusive dynamic in the home.

You don't seem to be open to leaving him - is that not something you think would make your life infinitely more enjoyable?

He's a bully. A manipulative, abusive bully. Your children have grown up witnessing this dynamic and you staying means they are more likely to replicate it in their own relationships.

He won't change. He doesn't want or need to. He doesn't like you and treats you with contempt because he thinks you're beneath him.

You deserve more than that, surely?

I think op is being a martyr.
It seems like it is somehow important to her to show how much she can withstand.

@Platterpuss

No doubt I’ll be up. I just don’t feel strong enough. I’ve told him tonight he’s ungrateful. He said sarcastically what an awful life I must have!!

Your "h" is being emotionally and verbally abusive.

He is disregarding your thoughts and feelings and when you try to tell him what's wrong with his behaviour, instead of addressing it and he turns it back on you.

He is being extremely immature and deflecting his faults on you to avoid accountability for his abusive behaviour. Has he always been this argumentative?

If he is unable to see how abusive he is being then there is little chance that he will get any better.

What were you hoping for from this thread, Platterpuss?

What in God's name are you doing wasting your life on thus miserable git? It us nit normal to be a slave to someone else's emotions.

Get into therapy and realise how unhealthy this relationship is before you waste any more of your precious life on him.

This is not as good as if gets. Not by a long shot.

You are failing your daughter. She shouldn't have to witness this abuse ((and I'm willing to bet she gets it too) or be your 'rock'.

It's not about the one comment re time of the month. He sounds like a bully.

I feel really sorry for your daughter. Think what you’re teaching her.

You remind me of my mum. So busy trying to be the perfect wife, she forgot to be a good parent.

You are failing your daughter. She shouldn't have to witness this abuse ((and I'm willing to bet she gets it too) or be your 'rock'.

^I agree with this, sorry. As a mum, your job is to keep your DC safe and secure. It’s too much responsibility for a child to be your ‘rock’.

And it’s your job to be your daughter’s rock, not the other way around.