Goading

[Platterpuss]

NC for this as I feel so crappy.

Everyone who knows me says I’m ultra caring, kind and fun to be around. I’d say that I’m proud of this. I do feel a bubbly person.
Flip side, there’s been a lot of comments in terms of DH’s moods and fiery nature. He doesn’t hide it.

Back story: I’m a sahm to my ill daughter. She’s been in and out of hospital with a long term condition. It’s been tough but I’ve not let it get to me, and remained positive.
I pamper dh. I don’t know why and I know it’s to my detriment but I guess it’s easier to.
I get up every morning (sometimes 5:30am) and make his breakfast and packed lunch for him while he stands and watches me. (He doesn’t like his sandwiches done the night before!)
In the evening when he gets home from work, I ask nothing from him. I cook and clear up. He’s a bit of a princess tbh.

Anyway..he is fairly moody and if things don’t go his way, he flips!!
He got home from work last night in a fuming mood. It left me on egg shells but I still got him a beer and cooked and stayed up beat.
This morning while I was making his breakfast, he was snarling about life. Then said I hadn’t spoken to him properly yet (?!) and was obviously sulking! (I’m not a sulker). When I replied ‘but I’m busy and will be there shortly’, he snarled under his breath and then said I was being argumentative.
I said ‘you’ve just said I’m sulking, and now you’re saying I’m argumentative, I’m confused’
He continued to goad me saying that was me, either sulking or argumentative!! I didn’t reply. He carried on and on at me, while watching me make his sandwiches for lunch.
Then he gave his trump card...’time of the month is it?’

Is it just me..but this is a line that shouldn’t be used?! I find it really invasive and personal.

He’s deflecting all his moods onto me, then finding a reason for them being my fault!!

Last month I didn’t have PMT as I was in hospital with our daughter. That taught me a lot. Maybe I don’t actually get it?! Maybe it’s him making me think I have?!

I asked him twice calmly this morning to stop as it wasn’t worth it, but he continued goading me. The last comment was said, and I walked away.

Just feel so deflated ☹️

I wouldn't love life if I was you.
It sounds unnecessarily hard.

Your DD is right, don't rise to him. When the bullies at school tried to put me down I would do a silly dance and say in a high pitched voice "I'm so happy because we're all friends" it confused them.

He does it because he's emotionally abusive. It works for him.

He gives no shits about how it makes you feel, because it gets him what he wants.

He likes controlling the mood of the household.

The 'time of the month' comment is used by arseholes everywhere. What it really means is- if you are exhibit any sign of unhappiness when I am treating you like shit it it's you that's at fault not me.

For context, my arsehole ex used this line whenever I suggested he should treat me like a human being. I DO now have some menopausal mood swings but when he spots this DH makes me a cup of tea and gives me a hug. That's what you should expect if your DP was a decent man. Just think how much more energy for yourself and your DD you will have when you get rid of this man.

You sound utterly downtrodden and he sounds like a bully. Stop pandering to him and when he gets shitty calmly explain your not his slave And if he cannot speak to you nicely he can fuck off.

He’s treating you appallingly. Why are you pandering to him, he’s grown adult? If my dh treated my like this he’d end up with arsenic in his sandwiches. What a horrible man you’re married to

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. You cannot remain with him because of your daughter.

He is taking your caring nature and uses it against you by bashing you about the head with it. Making you feel confused is par for the course when you are with an abusive man like this. This is who he is and such men hate women, ALL of them. He does this because he can and feels absolutely entitled to treat you like this.

Abuse is not just physical in nature and it will take you a long time, perhaps years now, to recover from his abuses of you and in turn your DD.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, did your dad treat your mum like you are being now?.

I think your problem is, you project your own values onto him, but actually he's not like you, he isn't bothered by conflict or by hurting people he's supposed to love. He's basically selfish and doesn't really see you as a person, just as a sideshow to the main event (him) . You don't understand him because he's not like you.

This man holds all the power. You are sahm caring for your unwell child. Unfortunately many men who provide the money feel it gives them a god like status.
Nothing you ever do could repay him for everything he provides for you even though you are caring for his sick child. You don't say how many years this has been going but I'd hazard a guess and say its been quite a while. He isn't going to change but you can. Dont stop powdering his ass everyday because he will only get nastier.
Start envisaging what life could be like without this nasty prick. Maybe the next step could be to investigate what benefits you would be entitled to? Slowly build a picture in your mind of a home full of peace and calm. A home with kindness at its heart.

Stop focusing on the PMT and concentrate on how vile this man is. Do you have any option to divorce

@Platterpuss

Is the ‘time of the month’ comment a no-no? Or do a lot of men use it?

You are focusing on the wrong thing here. He wants you to initiate divorce so he is not to blame.

I say the following without prejudice:
Wake up and smell the coffee ☕

OP - you sound lovely.
This is not fair on your daughter or you.
You don’t need to decide what to do right now. But.. as a pp said can you start to imagine life without him..being happy all day without having to run around after him. Getting up to look after yourself and your daughter. Making food for the two of you. Being able to do what you want without fear.
How does that feel?
Have no doubt:
This man is an abuser
This man is cruel
This man enjoys controlling you
This man is not loving or caring
This man will continue to abuse you for the rest of your life
This man cares not one but for you or your daughter

None of this is acceptable OP.

He is verbally and emotionally abusing you and your daughter can see it.

He's already told you that he says things to hurt you, so how did you respond? Why would someone who loves you knowingly say things to hurt you?

He's controlling and conditioning you like some kind of pet, only pets get treated better than this by loving owners. He is seeing how badly he can treat you and get away with it.

Don't pander to him. Be too busy to make his sandwiches and suggest that he makes them himself as he knows how he likes them. Stop making him cups of tea, getting his beer etc. He can do it himself.

He needs to communicate in a more honest, open and mature way instead of playing these mind games with you. Tell him it's childish bullying behaviour and that you will only talk to him when he is ready for an adult conversation.

My DP used to throw this one around every time we had an argument. If there’s one thing guaranteed to make me absolutely raging it’s having my very real concerns and complaints brushed off as being hormonal!

He has finally learned that if he tries that shit he will receive a tirade of abuse picking on every single thing he’s sensitive about. Funnily enough he doesn’t do it anymore.

As someone approaching menopause, I’m experiencing some pretty erratic “times of the month” sometimes 4 months apart so good luck to him trying to guess when it is!

Honestly he sounds like a selfish lazy prick. Stop making his lunches and treating him like a princess - he’s a grown man and the fact that he has time to stand and watch you making the sandwiches means he has time to make them himself. It’s a nice thing to do, but you’re being a mug by being nice to someone who’s so unkind to you. If he starts being appreciative and pleasant maybe he’ll get his lunch made, but until that point he can do it himself. Or just leave him and focus on your DD.

Even my daughter told me he’s being vile and ‘to stay strong’

Please leave. For her sake.

Then he gave his trump card...’time of the month is it?

That's often used used against women, even by other women. Not all women even have PMT. It's often a convenient way to dismiss someone if you don't like what they're saying or sticking up for themselves.

He sounds like sexist and disrespectful. People who goad have a sadistic streak to them. They're bad news.

@pinkyredrose

Even my daughter told me he’s being vile and ‘to stay strong’

Please leave. For her sake.

Seems like she's sees exactly what's going on. She might not miss him very much if he leaves, if this is how he behaves regularly.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

Whilst some women do have mood swings, the PMT jibe is often the first of many disrespectful incidences. It's incredibly demeaning and I think men often test the waters of how far they can go by saying this type of shit and seeing if the woman still actually sticks around afterwards.

@Platterpuss

I guess it’s built up. I’ve always been a caring person so I think I’ve made a rod for my own back in doing everything for him. Mind you, his mum always did too so guess I just took over. I’m not scared of provoking him, but I certainly don’t want to as I cba with arguing or negativity as I love life and feel grateful. If I say something in the wrong tone, it can change his mood and therefore he mood of our entire family. So I do my best to keep things smooth.

It’s just the personal comments he makes that really really hurt. He’s told me in the past he says these things to hurt me. Which tbh is hideous. I’d never hurt anyone deliberately. And if I realised I’d hurt someone accidentally, I’d be mortified.

He’s soooo ungrateful. Yet when I haven’t done things for him in the past, he’s made me feel so utterly crap. So it’s easier to still do them

He has you trained like a bloody dog OP, and he doesn't even want you to get anything right. I think he wants to have any excuse to be vile to you. You are his emotional punching bag, and to anyone with a truly sadistic streak, emotionally abusing someone who is a lovely person, who is gentle and sensitive is absolutely delightful. Even better if you a naturally chirpy, jolly kind of personality - they enjoy shattering it so you can be brought down to their level.

You story reminds me of something that happened in a local town. A local community initiative spend about £5000 on making the town centre nice by investing in some lovely flower displays. A while later, they were totally ruined by thugs which targeted them. It could have been a random, drug fuelled incident, but it's entirely possible that it was done by people who had a lot of anger and resentment, who enjoyed smashing up those flowers and so exerting a type of violence on their local community who have little or nothing to do with any injustice they think they have incurred.

Everyone who knows me says I’m ultra caring, kind and fun to be around. I’d say that I’m proud of this. I do feel a bubbly person

I think you are those flowers OP, and you deserve to have a loving gardener take care of you, not an angry, disrespectful thug.

he should be scooping me up, not putting me down

You said this ^^ so you already know that is exactly what he should be doing

Fuck him

What is making you stay?

You are his whipping boy to take his moods out on to make him feel better about himself.

Why are you still with him? Your DD described his behaviour as vile!

This is abuse. The way he is acting and talking to you is verbal and mental abuse. Please try to get away from this man, he sounds awful

It might be "easier" for you to try to keep him happy but the best thing for your child is to walk away. You're exposing her to his ways. I was the child in that situation and my 'mum' never left. Things got worse and I had a mental health crisis in my early twenties. She was never there for me, always on her partner's side. I haven't spoken to her in many years now and never will again. She failed to protect me and always glossed over his horrendous behaviour like it was no big deal but as a child I was just so scared and anxious. Think carefully about what's best for your child.

OP what does he bring to your relationship? He seems to make you so miserable. That's no way to live x

You know who uses the 'time of the month?' comment? Misogynists.

You know who expects women to make their lunch and watches them do so? Misogynists.

You know who expects women to do as they are told when they are told to do it? Misogynists.

You know who thinks women 'answering back' is unacceptable? Misogynists.

You're with a man who thinks women are beneath him. He thinks you are beneath him and holds you in contempt. He doesn't like you.

How terrible to waste your life on such a man. Please consider your options.

Your daughter is watching her mum be ground down into a shell of the person she could be. She's being taught that this dynamic is acceptable when it is actually abusive.

No matter what you do for him it will never, ever be enough. Ever. So drop the rope. I couldn't even look at him much less live with him.

Please take a step back and try to look at this relationship objectively then decide whether he makes your life worse or better. He's a bully and a misogynist.