Goading

[Platterpuss]

NC for this as I feel so crappy.

Everyone who knows me says I’m ultra caring, kind and fun to be around. I’d say that I’m proud of this. I do feel a bubbly person.
Flip side, there’s been a lot of comments in terms of DH’s moods and fiery nature. He doesn’t hide it.

Back story: I’m a sahm to my ill daughter. She’s been in and out of hospital with a long term condition. It’s been tough but I’ve not let it get to me, and remained positive.
I pamper dh. I don’t know why and I know it’s to my detriment but I guess it’s easier to.
I get up every morning (sometimes 5:30am) and make his breakfast and packed lunch for him while he stands and watches me. (He doesn’t like his sandwiches done the night before!)
In the evening when he gets home from work, I ask nothing from him. I cook and clear up. He’s a bit of a princess tbh.

Anyway..he is fairly moody and if things don’t go his way, he flips!!
He got home from work last night in a fuming mood. It left me on egg shells but I still got him a beer and cooked and stayed up beat.
This morning while I was making his breakfast, he was snarling about life. Then said I hadn’t spoken to him properly yet (?!) and was obviously sulking! (I’m not a sulker). When I replied ‘but I’m busy and will be there shortly’, he snarled under his breath and then said I was being argumentative.
I said ‘you’ve just said I’m sulking, and now you’re saying I’m argumentative, I’m confused’
He continued to goad me saying that was me, either sulking or argumentative!! I didn’t reply. He carried on and on at me, while watching me make his sandwiches for lunch.
Then he gave his trump card...’time of the month is it?’

Is it just me..but this is a line that shouldn’t be used?! I find it really invasive and personal.

He’s deflecting all his moods onto me, then finding a reason for them being my fault!!

Last month I didn’t have PMT as I was in hospital with our daughter. That taught me a lot. Maybe I don’t actually get it?! Maybe it’s him making me think I have?!

I asked him twice calmly this morning to stop as it wasn’t worth it, but he continued goading me. The last comment was said, and I walked away.

Just feel so deflated ☹️

Would you like your daughter to be treated this way? Either by him or when she's an adult?

He sounds awful.

Is the ‘time of the month’ comment a no-no? Or do a lot of men use it?

The whole thing is unacceptable:

You getting up at 5.30 to make his lunch and breakfast, why are you doing that??
Him being moody and angry
His family walking on eggshells around him
Him picking a fight
Him being horrible to you because he's in a bad mood
The time of the month comment is designed to shut you down and blame YOU for HIS bullshit.

I've never said this before but leave, he won't stop until he's sucked every bit of joy and happiness from you. You have enough to deal with with your daughter without putting up with his shit and having to tend to his every need. Does he ever do anything nice for you ? What was he like when you first got together ? Wishing you and your daughter all the best

Stop pandering to him and walking on eggshells and managing his mood for him. You've fallen into the habit of doing it, you shouldn't have to - he is an adult. Let his true character shine. Decide if you really should stick around with someone who is such hard work and arguably quite nasty and ungrateful. You are meant to be a team, he's not on your side and it's not going to work out for the best.

What’s the point of him?

This is awful, why would you stick around? What are you getting out of this? You can find a partner who loves you and is interested in a fulfilling sex lite. He sounds as if he’d be better off on his own. This would all make me feel completely sick to be honest!

Like pp said, leave whilst it is is easy to do so.

He's a horrible person and he won't get any better.

He is abusing you, Platterpuss. You are doing everything to 'keep him happy' but he still finds fault and blames you.

Him using the time of the month thing is really just the tip of the iceberg. My ex used to say the same to me. Funnily enough my mood has been extremely calm and stable since we parted.

If you can contact Women's Aid without him finding out, I would do so. They will not make you leave if you're not ready/don't want to but they will support you.

"Could be, but whats your excuse?"

Actually, I don't take shit (especially lines like that) but I'd be wary of saying that to a man like him. He sounds really abusive. Have you seen Sleeping With the Enemy? He reminds me of the husband in that.

I now feel crap in case it is me with pmt. he tells me every month ‘time of the month is it?!’ if I’m anything but jolly.
Like I said, the only reason I’m writing this is because it’s dawned on me that I didn’t have pmt last month....and I wasn’t with him as was away!!

He got home from work early yest. I offered him a beer. He said he’d have a cuppa and walked towards the kettle. I stupidly said ‘I’ll make it’. To which he replied ‘I’m quite capable thank you!’

He’s soooo ungrateful. Yet when I haven’t done things for him in the past, he’s made me feel so utterly crap.
So it’s easier to still do them

@Platterpuss

Is the ‘time of the month’ comment a no-no? Or do a lot of men use it?

Of course its not an acceptable comment to make! I'm sure a lot of men use it but that doesn't make it alright to say - it's just bloody rude. I'd say, have a lay in and let him cook his own damn breakfast and make his own packed lunch. What a prat.

No matter what you do, he will always be miserable and horrible. I learnt that lesson hard with exh. He complained/got angry about X, so I started/stopped doing X. Then Y... Then Z... He always moved the goalposts, because he was an abusive horrible person.

My DP now has never ever mentioned PMT/time of the month but instead makes me tea/takes the load off/is generally just helpful and kind same as the rest of the month.

Your PMT isn't making him watch you make his lunch every day
Your PMT isn't making him "a bit of a princess"
Your PMT isn't making him flip when things don't go his way
That's all him. It's him doing those things because he wants to.
Your PMT, if you have it at all, isn't making him do anything.

You realise you're teaching your child to walk on eggshells around him too? She's going to grow up with this as her strongest example of a normal relationship.

He's spoiling for a fight and uses you as an emotional punchbag.

You know it's not pmt.

You were perfectly fine in the morning, but he was determined to pick at you and create a problem. Then he turns it round on you and blames your "mood". This is gaslighting - undermining your own perceptions replacing them with his lies.

What he's doing is a form of emotional abuse.

He’s saying he’s reacting to me. Yet I truly truly believe I haven’t ignited this. Even my daughter told me he’s being vile and ‘to stay strong’. She told me not to rise to him as he is obviously deflecting his moods onto me. He does this a lot and I chuckle inside as to how pathetic that is.
But the time of the month comment really hurt. Even if it is me and IF I had pmt (which I really don’t think I do as had had a lovely day until he got home), surely he should be scooping me up, not putting me down

@Platterpuss

He got home from work early yest. I offered him a beer. He said he’d have a cuppa and walked towards the kettle. I stupidly said ‘I’ll make it’. To which he replied ‘I’m quite capable thank you!’

He’s soooo ungrateful. Yet when I haven’t done things for him in the past, he’s made me feel so utterly crap.
So it’s easier to still do them

No matter what you do, he will find fault. His sole aim in life is to make you feel crap, to confuse you, to have you not knowing which way is up and how his mood is going to be, hence you walking on eggshells. Have a look out for it, you'll start seeing it in just about everything he says and does.

What katmarie says is true

He does this a lot and I chuckle inside as to how pathetic that is.

Okay, so you can see what he's doing and your daughter sees quite clearly what is going on.

What would you like to happen?

I really don’t know. I know that sounds stupid. But I’m so confused.

I guess I also don’t understand how someone can behave like this.

How long has he been like this? Walking on eggshells around someone says you are scared of provoking them - what would happen if you did? What would happen if you didn’t ‘pander’ to him and who instigated the waiting on him? The behaviour you describe from him is verbally abusive. Your daughter has spotted it too.

I guess it’s built up. I’ve always been a caring person so I think I’ve made a rod for my own back in doing everything for him. Mind you, his mum always did too so guess I just took over.
I’m not scared of provoking him, but I certainly don’t want to as I cba with arguing or negativity as I love life and feel grateful. If I say something in the wrong tone, it can change his mood and therefore he mood of our entire family. So I do my best to keep things smooth.

It’s just the personal comments he makes that really really hurt. He’s told me in the past he says these things to hurt me. Which tbh is hideous. I’d never hurt anyone deliberately. And if I realised I’d hurt someone accidentally, I’d be mortified.

OP take a step back here and think about your life and how you're being treated. I get the feeling you're trying to normalise his behaviour and laugh it off because deep down you know it's not right. Please consider your options - you would be so much better off without this drain in your life because that's what he is: a drain or dementor who sucks every ounce of happiness out of those around him!

OP I'm not going to mention PMT because myself and everyone else on this thread can see that its totally irrelevant.
You are still at the stage of trying to validate his behaviour. You are still trying to believe that he is in some way entitled to behave like this because you are doing something wrong.
The reason he doesn't appreciate everything you do for him is because he doesn't even see it. In his eyes he is so deserving that showing gratitude and kindness in return would be ridiculous to him. If he did he woukd be handing you some power in the relationship. Why would he do that? He has a servant catering to his every need, walking on eggshells and watching herself si as not to upset him. You will always upset him unfortunately. He enjoys acting offended and upset. Men like this are never happy. They don't want to be happy. When you are ready to give up trying you will see this dynamic fir what it is. Dont try and analyse his behaviour either. Dont blame it on a difficult childhood or career issues and pressures. Good men don't constantly unsettle their own families with their nasty behaviour and black moods. You are putting up with this so he will continue. Simple.