The One Where Geller Proves He Is As Useful As A Chocolate Teapot

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Hear that ticking my lovelies?

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

That’s the sound of the bomb I have just thrown over the metaphorical trench edge at Geller. Here’s the previous thread if you need to catch up. As ever, thank you for the support and the cheering and the banter and for giving me fresh perspectives.

I am fucking DONE. Done with this. I need to stand up and fight for the girls. He is NEVER going to do what he needs to for them.

So I picked them up from school and they were quiet but ok. We’ve had pizza in our pjs and they’re asleep. I have had a barrage of questions about who I have seen this weekend and what I’ve been doing and why am I wearing new clothes and do I have new friends and am I working as much as I should be etc etc. Clearly fed by him, they’ve never done that before.

Then I get this (he hadn’t responded to my previous message at all)

How is DD1?

We can talk albeit I have very little time in the next few days. Strangely someone praised me this weekend for how well I dealt with one of her meltdowns. She really struggled with the homework. Together we bought various materials while DD2 was having her hair cut. But of course when she made it, it didn’t go well. However she and I did it together first thing Sunday before DD2 woke and she did it brilliantly.

It was DD1 that led our walk while DD2 was a pain and tried to stop us going, finally relenting after the first field.

Both of them played brilliantly with the boys over the other side of the fence. But it’s the usual challenge of when they are on their own in a small space. It’s simply a very intense thing single parenting. And I can’t break DD1 on sleeping alone and I’m not prepared for it to become tears and anger. As I say she ended up watching the football and was engrossed.

So I said

I also have very little time. So I’ll leave it to you to figure it out.

She is in bed, asleep, with clean hair. They have both been quiet and we have talked about zero tolerance for violence, shouting and arguing. and what that means and the importance of kind words and being gentle and how to act when you’re angry and that you need to be mindful of the words that come out of your mouth as they can upset people. I repeat, next week I will email to discuss the shape of the next school year as it sounds like the current arrangement isn't working for the girls if they are that short of sleep and upset at the start of the school week. The girls need you in their life but it needs to come at a lower emotional cost for them and for me.

I would like to make you aware the level of messaging is unwelcome, and that I am looking to address this and agree on appropriate levels of communication moving forward.

I await the nuclear explosion which will no doubt follow.

I. Am. Done.

Walk away from them with your dignity.
Make no further comment.
You are stronger and better than them and Geller

In your shoes I'd probably leave as soon as I could, I'd then send them a message thanking them for their concern, but that they've upset you greatly by taking sides and not having an open mind and understanding the each story has two sides. Then walk away. It's all part of a narcissists smear campaign, your friends aren't emotionally intelligent enough to realise they've been reeled in.

@noideawhatusernametochoose

Thinking on this... I think all you need say to them is "I'm sorry you've been dragged into this and told a pack of lies". You don't need to justify anything or explain further. Then disengage.

This ☝🏻

Agree that you can’t trust these people ever again. Especially tell them nothing about your own financial affairs. Jealousy may also be playing a part in this. Either way, they HAVE chosen to be Team Geller. Fuckers.

I'm so sorry. I'd feel betrayed by that too.

Hopefully they will have the decency to feel embarrassed when his true colours are revealed to them, because sooner or later they will be.

How disappointing. Your friend knows that she has gone too far. Did her partner do most of the talking?

The thing that really sticks out at me, is the PR comment. This is your life, not some competition, where the winner is the one who's 'seen' to work the hardest. It not about appearances, or making Gellar 'feel' better, it's about what's right for everyone all round and especially the dc.

I'd be upset and fuming in your shoes. I think a brief text telling them this and asking them to realise there are always 2 sides to every story, and that Gellars behaviour would be classed as highly manipulative and abusive, which they would realise if they were told the whole story. However because you don't want to drag people into it you've chosen not to smear his reputation, but he's obviously not affording you the same courtesy. I doubt the relationship is repairable tbh, I'd not be able to come back from comments and narrow mindedness like this.

How are you feeling today polly?

I think a brief text telling them this and asking them to realise there are always 2 sides to every story, and that Gellars behaviour would be classed as highly manipulative and abusive, which they would realise if they were told the whole story.

Go shorter. 'Honestly, I tried. But he's on his third divorce. I now know why.'

@MoreRainThanAnyYet

I think a brief text telling them this and asking them to realise there are always 2 sides to every story, and that Gellars behaviour would be classed as highly manipulative and abusive, which they would realise if they were told the whole story.

Go shorter. 'Honestly, I tried. But he's on his third divorce. I now know why.'

This is perfect if you want to bother with a response. But I wouldn't bother at all.

Yea. Like do they think the three divorces is an accident?

@CliffsofMohair

Yea. Like do they think the three divorces is an accident?

Some people just can't make the connection, even when the evidence is right in front of their eyes.

They will now be wondering (on the surface at least) what they've done wrong when you back away from the relationship with them. Foolish people.

Hope you are feeling a little stronger today, @StuckInPollyannaMode 🌹

@MoreRainThanAnyYet

I think a brief text telling them this and asking them to realise there are always 2 sides to every story, and that Gellars behaviour would be classed as highly manipulative and abusive, which they would realise if they were told the whole story.

Go shorter. 'Honestly, I tried. But he's on his third divorce. I now know why.'

😳 I didn't realise he was on number 3. And those idiots are gullible enough to regurgitate his crap? Time to bin them x

They’re going on holiday so I’m not about to do anything now. I think they would be mortified if they knew how upset I was.

They aren’t on MN and wouldn’t think I was, so that’s safe.

Feeling quiet and reflective today. Ran again. Big work afternoon coming up.

But I’m ok.

Thank you all, you’re helping. As ever! Xxxx

🤗

So, why are you not prepared to "mortify them"?

Why do you feel that upsetting them is not ok, even after they have upset you, so much?

Honestly, stand up for yourself, @StuckInPollyannaMode. And have a hug from me.

@SpringCrocus

So, why are you not prepared to "mortify them"?

Why do you feel that upsetting them is not ok, even after they have upset you, so much?

Honestly, stand up for yourself, @StuckInPollyannaMode. And have a hug from me.

I agree. They should be mortified. They need to consider what they said and realise that it's not ok.

I'm a big believer in using the truth to shine a light on things that otherwise go unspoken. No-one should be afraid of the truth, but abusers like to use people's reluctance to open up about uncomfortable issues as a kind of protection.

Think about how often abusive men hide their actions from their mates or their work colleagues. We should talk about the uncomfortable things that we don't want to admit go on in our relationships - if the abusers think these things are ok, why wouldn't they be ok with other people knowing about them?

I can't remember the full litany of Geller's actions. But why not tell the friends that he refused to by laptops for the girls' schooling but bought one for himself? Why not say that he tried to hide £500k from his assets during the divorce?

You don't have to get into a JADE situation, or a big back-and-forth with them, but giving your friends a glimpse of the type of man he is through a few truths might lead them to reconsider accepting everything he says at face value.

I will have that discussion with them, just not right now. They are distracted and leaving today. I’m no longer a walkover, I will talk to them about it, but not until I feel strong enough and ready to do so.

Fair enough, then. But, please don't just "let it slide". They really do deserve to know at least some of the appalling things Geller has done

@StuckInPollyannaMode

I will have that discussion with them, just not right now. They are distracted and leaving today. I’m no longer a walkover, I will talk to them about it, but not until I feel strong enough and ready to do so.

When you are ready to say something to them, maybe keep it to speaking about your point of view and needs, in order to get them to actually hear you. Something like:

I'm doing what I need to do, very much needed for my own well-being and for the dcs, and I simply can't be focused on placating Geller or making things look a certain way. I'm trying to move away from such unhealthy behaviour and I'm trying to stop allowing myself to be manipulated, which isn't easy. I'm afraid he is now attempting to use you guys to manoeuvre me, and I'm sorry you've been dragged into it, and have inadvertently been doing his bidding. I'm sure you didn't mean to hurt me, and that you think you are doing us both a favour trying to calm the waters, but I'm actually not needing that type of 'help'.

The cheek of the man, though - I’m guessing these are the same friends whom he referred to as ‘those people’ way back last year when they were waiting on some potentially serious medical news?

You are right to bide your time. A few things to consider when you do speak to them:

They waited until you were at their home, to hold an intervention means they waited until you were vulnerable and unable to escape.

They implied your business was a hobby, hence their comment about PR and getting a corporate job

They shamed you in regards to your sex life and told you that you were cheating on Geller.

They agreed that Geller should continue to be able to bully you re:Finances and not use solicitors, otherwise he WON’T effectively co-parent with you.

These are NOT nice friends. They have not stayed out of this but have taken sides.

I couldn’t and wouldn’t continue the friendship. It’s a shame about the planned holidays, but I would let my DC (or the Dollies) have a relationship with a family with such a low opinion of me. Also, if they have ambushed you once, then they will do it again.

Aresholes.

I think your idea to wait is right. If nothing else, when we end up in a highly emotionally charged situation it's always best to have a 'cooling off' period where you sit back a bit then start to review the situation with cool logic instead of hot emotion. Then we can decide exactly what is in our best interests to reveal and/or if the friendship is worth keeping.

I don't know these people but as I mentioned before I think anything you tell them is going to get back to Geller, whether it's because they're on his side and 'tattle-telling' or because they're angry at him and saying "How dare you lie to us and say XXX when the truth is YYY!" He'll know exactly the source of their info. You could be unwittingly giving him ammo or providing him with your 'defense strategy'.

Unfortunately, I think you're going to find that he's purposely been doing his same 'poor me' song and dance with many of your mutual friends just to be a fucking prick. This is nothing new. Sometimes it's the STBXW, sometimes it's the STBXH who pulls this vindictive shit. But it happens a lot. And it means that it's a good idea to be a bit reserved with all mutual friends until they make their positions clear.

@REignbow

You are right to bide your time. A few things to consider when you do speak to them:

They waited until you were at their home, to hold an intervention means they waited until you were vulnerable and unable to escape.

They implied your business was a hobby, hence their comment about PR and getting a corporate job

They shamed you in regards to your sex life and told you that you were cheating on Geller.

They agreed that Geller should continue to be able to bully you re:Finances and not use solicitors, otherwise he WON’T effectively co-parent with you.

These are NOT nice friends. They have not stayed out of this but have taken sides.

I couldn’t and wouldn’t continue the friendship. It’s a shame about the planned holidays, but I would let my DC (or the Dollies) have a relationship with a family with such a low opinion of me. Also, if they have ambushed you once, then they will do it again.

Aresholes.

Yes. What she said. Spot on.