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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The One Where Geller Proves He Is As Useful As A Chocolate Teapot

979 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 28/06/2021 21:48

Hear that ticking my lovelies?

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

That’s the sound of the bomb I have just thrown over the metaphorical trench edge at Geller. Here’s the previous thread if you need to catch up. As ever, thank you for the support and the cheering and the banter and for giving me fresh perspectives.

I am fucking DONE. Done with this. I need to stand up and fight for the girls. He is NEVER going to do what he needs to for them.

So I picked them up from school and they were quiet but ok. We’ve had pizza in our pjs and they’re asleep. I have had a barrage of questions about who I have seen this weekend and what I’ve been doing and why am I wearing new clothes and do I have new friends and am I working as much as I should be etc etc. Clearly fed by him, they’ve never done that before.

Then I get this (he hadn’t responded to my previous message at all)

How is DD1?

We can talk albeit I have very little time in the next few days. Strangely someone praised me this weekend for how well I dealt with one of her meltdowns. She really struggled with the homework. Together we bought various materials while DD2 was having her hair cut. But of course when she made it, it didn’t go well. However she and I did it together first thing Sunday before DD2 woke and she did it brilliantly.

It was DD1 that led our walk while DD2 was a pain and tried to stop us going, finally relenting after the first field.

Both of them played brilliantly with the boys over the other side of the fence. But it’s the usual challenge of when they are on their own in a small space. It’s simply a very intense thing single parenting. And I can’t break DD1 on sleeping alone and I’m not prepared for it to become tears and anger. As I say she ended up watching the football and was engrossed.

So I said

I also have very little time. So I’ll leave it to you to figure it out.

She is in bed, asleep, with clean hair. They have both been quiet and we have talked about zero tolerance for violence, shouting and arguing. and what that means and the importance of kind words and being gentle and how to act when you’re angry and that you need to be mindful of the words that come out of your mouth as they can upset people. I repeat, next week I will email to discuss the shape of the next school year as it sounds like the current arrangement isn't working for the girls if they are that short of sleep and upset at the start of the school week. The girls need you in their life but it needs to come at a lower emotional cost for them and for me.

I would like to make you aware the level of messaging is unwelcome, and that I am looking to address this and agree on appropriate levels of communication moving forward.

I await the nuclear explosion which will no doubt follow.

I. Am. Done.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Cavagirl · 17/08/2021 08:14

On the plus side, you've had a long list delivered to you of what's really important to him and what of your behaviour is really pissing him off (how did we know dating would come up?!) So use it now to get this sewn up ASAP.

VetInAVat · 17/08/2021 08:16

That sounds utterly shit. Pair of tossers.

thatfuckingtent · 17/08/2021 08:18

I'm so sorry Polly that your friends have taken sides.

I think you need to say this to them explicitly and then leave

ShowMeTheSugar · 17/08/2021 08:23

Oh Polly, you poor thing. They have massively taken sides. Asking you to accept whatever he offers to "keep the peace" is not the advice of someone looking out for you. The co-parent vs cheating thing makes absolutely no sense. The therapy point is fucking insulting.

If you insist on doing the kids activity fair enough, but after that I'd be driving home. These are not supportive friends.

Mix56 · 17/08/2021 08:23

I know the feeling of wanting to be understood, believed. but it won't happen. They can't see through his "poor me" propaganda.
I would say,( after you have left.)
I am so sorry you have believed all the propaganda G has spouted forth
Obviously there are 2 sides to every story, & at the end of the day, Our marriage was an unhappy one.
You have shown your allegiance is with G.
It is a shame that G has not been able to comport himself with maturity & discretion.
I am not discussing my private life further with you.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 17/08/2021 08:28

@Sleepinghyena

Wow, they totally have taken sides. Big time. They have totally overstepped what is acceptable- I'm afraid I wouldn't be considering them my friend from now on.
This. Totally. And cancel any future holidays with them - true friends don't say things like this. For you Thanks
LannieDuck · 17/08/2021 08:32

I'm sorry Polly, that must have come out of nowhere.

They don't have half of the history, only what they've seen / been told (by Geller). They really shouldn't have tried to interfere without listening to your side too.

I wouldn't hide my hurt.

Lougle · 17/08/2021 08:37

This is where the Queen's 'never complain, never explain' policy comes in. They aren't, at the moment, your friends. They are an excellent source of information for him. So, hard as it is (and they have been awful, make no mistake) you need to just grit your teeth, get through however you can and get out. If anything is said, you can say something bland like 'marriage break ups take their toll on everyone, sadly.' You do not have to justify your behaviour to them. You could even go as far as to say 'it's a shame that Geller felt our private martial affairs were subject for public discussion, but I feel we are both owed a level of confidentiality, so I won't discuss them.'

You are not responsible for his feelings, Polly.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 17/08/2021 08:38

@Lougle

This is where the Queen's 'never complain, never explain' policy comes in. They aren't, at the moment, your friends. They are an excellent source of information for him. So, hard as it is (and they have been awful, make no mistake) you need to just grit your teeth, get through however you can and get out. If anything is said, you can say something bland like 'marriage break ups take their toll on everyone, sadly.' You do not have to justify your behaviour to them. You could even go as far as to say 'it's a shame that Geller felt our private martial affairs were subject for public discussion, but I feel we are both owed a level of confidentiality, so I won't discuss them.'

You are not responsible for his feelings, Polly.

This. In its entirety.
SwanShaped · 17/08/2021 08:39

Oh that’s so shit, polly. Friends are people you expect to believe you. And horrible to know he’s been bad mouthing you to them.

Clutterbugsmum · 17/08/2021 08:51

I'm so sorry that these 'friends' have taken sides. Now you know how Gellar found out you were seeing someone else.

I agree take time getting ready be polite but cool with them today.

And then when you get home today/tomorrow I would send one text to both of them telling them that they have clearly taken sides and you are not prepared to accept any thing other then what you are legally entitled too, as it would effect DD's lives. And that you need time apart from them to reassess where they fit into your life going forward as you need to have people who you trust and have the best interest of your DD's and yourself.

And then ignore them.

DartmoorDoughnut · 17/08/2021 08:58

How about ‘Geller should keep the peace by stopping dragging this all out and agree to a fair financial settlement.’ He is the one making this difficult and hiding 500k assets etc etc etc

prettybird · 17/08/2021 09:00

@RandomMess

Thanks

Well turns out they have taken sides so you need to step away.

You could state "yes I fell for his lies and manipulation for years too but you still are"

^This Thanks

halfhope · 17/08/2021 09:06

Polly I'm so sorry this has happened to you. They've massively overstepped. I think we'd all give you a hug if we could.

1WayOrAnother2 · 17/08/2021 09:08

Don't feel too bad that they fell for his lines. They only know what he tells them about your past. You know he is plausible.

They feel sorry for himAND have no idea what he is like to live with.

You can tell them the truth but it might leak back.

halfhope · 17/08/2021 09:13

As a side note, not wanting to derail, I once received a letter from my Sil one Christmas where she decided to give DH and me some home truths about our relationship with the extended family. She'd been completely wrong about facts and the rest of the family called her out on it. But she never apologised and instead just 'hid' so we never bothered with her again. I do remember the hurt and bewilderment reading the letter as Christmas lights twinkled all around, thinking 'But she's got this completely wrong'. [Flowers]

halfhope · 17/08/2021 09:14

Sorry the emoji should have come out as flowers

DartmoorDoughnut · 17/08/2021 09:14

@RandomMess

Thanks

Well turns out they have taken sides so you need to step away.

You could state "yes I fell for his lies and manipulation for years too but you still are"

@RandomMess you always give the best advice Flowers
MarisPiper92 · 17/08/2021 09:23

I've been lurking since the start, but coming out of hiding to say that yesterday was exactly a year since you posted your first thread. I'm sorry the last couple of days have been shit, but just wanted to remind you how far you've come in such a short time.

MarisPiper92 · 17/08/2021 09:24

(I realise that actually sounds a bit creepy. I was just thinking about how different you sound now from the start and went to read the first thread, and noticed the date!)

Heliachi · 17/08/2021 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

FantasticButtocks · 17/08/2021 09:42

I guess you've already left to take all the dcs to the activity, but if not, it's perfectly fine to say - Change of plan this morning, we need to go home now.

So sorry to hear that such good friends have been taken in by his takes of woe and feel it's somehow their duty to interfere. Very upsetting for you, but they've been manipulated and they've fallen for it.

Do running, do yoga, do all the self care things you need to do today.

Keep on your own path and don't be swayed or influenced by their misinformed opinions.

Welshgal85 · 17/08/2021 09:42

Oh Polly, I’m so sorry to hear this. Sadly they have completely taken his side by the sides of it, it must be very hard as they are meant to be your friends too so should have tried to just stay out of it and offer you support!

I would tread carefully with them now unfortunately as they are obviously reporting back to Gellar. Let them know that they have hurt you and that there are 2 sides to every story and don’t feel bad about leaving early if you need to Flowers

FantasticButtocks · 17/08/2021 09:43

His tales of woe

someonelockthefridgealready · 17/08/2021 10:08

I'm so sorry to hear this, Polly. Get out of there as soon as you can and don't engage with that shit. At least you know that they've taken sides now, I guess, and can keep quiet about stuff you're doing. Hopefully they will come to their senses.

Sadly, this happened to me with various friends after an EA relationship. They didn't want to believe, so they just chose not to.