The One Where Geller Proves He Is As Useful As A Chocolate Teapot

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Hear that ticking my lovelies?

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

That’s the sound of the bomb I have just thrown over the metaphorical trench edge at Geller. Here’s the previous thread if you need to catch up. As ever, thank you for the support and the cheering and the banter and for giving me fresh perspectives.

I am fucking DONE. Done with this. I need to stand up and fight for the girls. He is NEVER going to do what he needs to for them.

So I picked them up from school and they were quiet but ok. We’ve had pizza in our pjs and they’re asleep. I have had a barrage of questions about who I have seen this weekend and what I’ve been doing and why am I wearing new clothes and do I have new friends and am I working as much as I should be etc etc. Clearly fed by him, they’ve never done that before.

Then I get this (he hadn’t responded to my previous message at all)

How is DD1?

We can talk albeit I have very little time in the next few days. Strangely someone praised me this weekend for how well I dealt with one of her meltdowns. She really struggled with the homework. Together we bought various materials while DD2 was having her hair cut. But of course when she made it, it didn’t go well. However she and I did it together first thing Sunday before DD2 woke and she did it brilliantly.

It was DD1 that led our walk while DD2 was a pain and tried to stop us going, finally relenting after the first field.

Both of them played brilliantly with the boys over the other side of the fence. But it’s the usual challenge of when they are on their own in a small space. It’s simply a very intense thing single parenting. And I can’t break DD1 on sleeping alone and I’m not prepared for it to become tears and anger. As I say she ended up watching the football and was engrossed.

So I said

I also have very little time. So I’ll leave it to you to figure it out.

She is in bed, asleep, with clean hair. They have both been quiet and we have talked about zero tolerance for violence, shouting and arguing. and what that means and the importance of kind words and being gentle and how to act when you’re angry and that you need to be mindful of the words that come out of your mouth as they can upset people. I repeat, next week I will email to discuss the shape of the next school year as it sounds like the current arrangement isn't working for the girls if they are that short of sleep and upset at the start of the school week. The girls need you in their life but it needs to come at a lower emotional cost for them and for me.

I would like to make you aware the level of messaging is unwelcome, and that I am looking to address this and agree on appropriate levels of communication moving forward.

I await the nuclear explosion which will no doubt follow.

I. Am. Done.

@Mix56

What about sending something like this "I have instructed my sol. to apply for a court date. The court costs will be at your expense as you are deliberately dragging your feet & being uncooperative".

Please don't send this. See your SHL and follow their advice.

He really is truly awful. Like a pp said, he sees his DDs as optional extras.

You are doing a fabulous job in the face of his blustering adversity.

Honestly, mine has delayed and delayed (though he isn't as clever as Gellar). If I hadn't issued Form A, we'd still be stuck at square one. He's still delaying and dragging his feet, but at least there will come a point where he won't be able to.

Polly I really take my hat off to you. I don't know how you haven't bludgeoned Gellar already in your dreams

@StuckInPollyannaMode I know in previous threads you have been reluctant to go via the court route, but I really think you should now.

He is purposely delaying things and as a consequence you have lost out on a house purchase etc.

You need to go via the court route to stop this and to get what fairly is yours.

Look at it this way:

He’s bought a home for himself and a car (taking your car from you)

Whereas:

You are living in a rented home and are driving a car that needs to be replaced. All the whilst being the RP for the DT’s

Can you not see the disparity here?

Fucking hell. Who in their right mind does not want their kids for Christmas?!

KOKO, Polly. And talk to your lawyer about court dates.

I think that if you want the girls with you for Christmas, your best bet is to tell him that if by X date he hasn't communicated you will assume they will be with him. That's much more likely to get a response that he's too busy. If you say that you'll assume they will be with you he'll think that's what you want and do the opposite

He’s also spending from the combined pot. You need to get onto this ASAP. Who knows what else he’s “investing” in?

I’m at a mutual friends house. Such good friends we’ve been on holiday together, have more holidays planned, the Dollies and I all came for a sleepover etc etc. They are lovely and have tried very hard not to take sides which I totally respect.

Geller has totally done a number on them. Last night I ended up coming to bed in floods of tears after an argument with them. I’d had three glasses of wine so couldn’t drive hone - and the Dollies were asleep upstairs, anyway.

Apparently I am writing the narrative and expecting him to fit in with it as being the Big Bad Wolf, when he’s trying his best. Me telling Geller he could have the girls over Christmas is me saying I don’t want to co-parent and has really upset him. My refusal to engage with him and talk directly to him about finances is costing him a lot of money and pain. I should be careful about how I manage things going forward so we can have a decent co-parenting relationship.

Lots more. I shouldn’t be dating as that’s cheating on him, I’m looking for the next relationship and ‘the one’ so I can replace Geller. I need more therapy as clearly I have lots of issues and deep seated pain I need to address and should do that alone so it doesn’t affect anyone else. That fighting on the finances isn’t the right thing to do, I should accept what he’s offering for the sake of keeping the peace. That I know what he’s like and should just accept the way he speaks to me in emails and face to face. And on and on.

I’m terribly upset and feel very judged, and betrayed.

Oh Op, that's awful. Poor you. Get packed up and get home ASAP. They blatantly have taken sides despite what they say.
What a shitty thing to do to you x

Oh Polly so they’re his flying monkeys. At least you know now and can react accordingly. I’m so sorry (((hugs))).

Oh and obvs ignore them, who gives a fuck if he’s in pain, the only reason he’s in pain (he’s not) is because you’re going after what is rightfully yours. Keep fighting.

Wow, they totally have taken sides. Big time. They have totally overstepped what is acceptable- I'm afraid I wouldn't be considering them my friend from now on.

I would definitely pack up and leave early. Don’t bother with discussing it just a breezy ‘thank you so much for a lovely time, see you soon’ and then don’t.

Well with friends like that... in the same way that you no longer need to subject yourself to Gellers nonsense, you don't need to put up with non friends who don't support you and the girls absolutely. Chin up, pack up, go home. You have plenty of friends who have not been taken in by his crap.

Opinions are like arseholes…..everyone has one but most should be kept hidden!!!
They obviously don’t know you or him AT ALL and more fool them for twatting on about a situation they clearly don’t understand.
I think this morning is a time to “fake it until you make it”……plaster a smile on, be pleasant and breezy then fuck off home, saying you’ll speak to them soon. Then don’t! When you are on the edge, the last thing you need is misguided “friends” giving you a shove xxxx

I can’t leave early, I’m taking all the kids to an activity. I’m staying in bed til 8am and will then have a loooong shower and slooooowly get ready. I’ll be all breezy.

Going for a run after drop off.

I’m absolutely devastated. Feels like the rug has been pulled out from under me. This is one of my best friends - both the wife and the husband.

Well turns out they have taken sides so you need to step away.

You could state "yes I fell for his lies and manipulation for years too but you still are"

It sounds like they have taken sides, and in quite a judgmental way as well. Not to mention contradictory - if you're separated and thus managing a co-parenting relationship, you can't also be cheating on him. One or the other.

Hopefully this morning your head feels okay and you can also separate from them in a calm way that allows you to cancel the holiday plans without it all blowing up into another row.

Do they truly believe everything they are saying or has Geller ground them down so much they want you to do everything he wants so they get a quiet life?

Or were they trying to think of you and the stress of all this and they think agreeing early on will stop this?

Or are they just arseholes?

I’m so sorry Polly- I’ve been following on in awe of you. They are clearly not friends and all that “accept to keep the peace” is bullshit- how about this accepting your position to be a decent human being?
Step away, they are not the people you thought they were ( which is sad) & get the lawyer to start the court process as Geller is taking the piss.
Well done & keep talking.

I'm so sorry your friends have bought Geller's bullshit and have let you down like this. Time to cancel the planned joint holidays and step away, and time to play financial hardball. You are doing this for your DDs, not to 'take him to the cleaners'. Don't let them guilt trip you - they have chosen the side of the man who deliberately hid pension assets from you. That tells you who they are - weak, spineless man-appeasers.

I wouldn’t leap into thinking they’re awful friends. At the start of this, you thought pretty much the same about your H as they did: he’s a good man, he’ll want things to be amicable, he’ll be fair. Unfortunately you’ve learnt that even when he thinks he’s being wonderfully fair and reasonable, it tends to have unfair and unreasonable effects on you and the girls.

Oh Polly, really feel for you that's horrible. I'd leave as soon as you can. If they ask why make it clear that whilst you appreciate they endeavoured to remain impartial they have made it clear to you that they only care about Geller and not you and unfortunately that means you will no longer have anything to do with them. Leave, block on everything. Big big hugs.

You absolutely can leave early.

@MoreRainThanAnyYet

I wouldn’t leap into thinking they’re awful friends. At the start of this, you thought pretty much the same about your H as they did: he’s a good man, he’ll want things to be amicable, he’ll be fair. Unfortunately you’ve learnt that even when he thinks he’s being wonderfully fair and reasonable, it tends to have unfair and unreasonable effects on you and the girls.

Either way though, why would you ever ever comment in that much detail on a friend's divorce, regardless of what you really thought?

They aren't good people in my book I'm afraid. Regardless of what impression you had of the other person's behaviour, you should be sensible enough to realise that there's always two sides in a divorce and the best thing anyone not involved can do is keep the hell out if you can't be supportive. Not start casting judgement, giving unwanted advice and letting a friend go up to bed in tears.

The aren't friends, I'm sorry.

I agree with @AnonymousCheerleader . Yes, you can leave early. You do not have to accept this shit.