The One Where Geller Proves He Is As Useful As A Chocolate Teapot

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Hear that ticking my lovelies?

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

That’s the sound of the bomb I have just thrown over the metaphorical trench edge at Geller. Here’s the previous thread if you need to catch up. As ever, thank you for the support and the cheering and the banter and for giving me fresh perspectives.

I am fucking DONE. Done with this. I need to stand up and fight for the girls. He is NEVER going to do what he needs to for them.

So I picked them up from school and they were quiet but ok. We’ve had pizza in our pjs and they’re asleep. I have had a barrage of questions about who I have seen this weekend and what I’ve been doing and why am I wearing new clothes and do I have new friends and am I working as much as I should be etc etc. Clearly fed by him, they’ve never done that before.

Then I get this (he hadn’t responded to my previous message at all)

How is DD1?

We can talk albeit I have very little time in the next few days. Strangely someone praised me this weekend for how well I dealt with one of her meltdowns. She really struggled with the homework. Together we bought various materials while DD2 was having her hair cut. But of course when she made it, it didn’t go well. However she and I did it together first thing Sunday before DD2 woke and she did it brilliantly.

It was DD1 that led our walk while DD2 was a pain and tried to stop us going, finally relenting after the first field.

Both of them played brilliantly with the boys over the other side of the fence. But it’s the usual challenge of when they are on their own in a small space. It’s simply a very intense thing single parenting. And I can’t break DD1 on sleeping alone and I’m not prepared for it to become tears and anger. As I say she ended up watching the football and was engrossed.

So I said

I also have very little time. So I’ll leave it to you to figure it out.

She is in bed, asleep, with clean hair. They have both been quiet and we have talked about zero tolerance for violence, shouting and arguing. and what that means and the importance of kind words and being gentle and how to act when you’re angry and that you need to be mindful of the words that come out of your mouth as they can upset people. I repeat, next week I will email to discuss the shape of the next school year as it sounds like the current arrangement isn't working for the girls if they are that short of sleep and upset at the start of the school week. The girls need you in their life but it needs to come at a lower emotional cost for them and for me.

I would like to make you aware the level of messaging is unwelcome, and that I am looking to address this and agree on appropriate levels of communication moving forward.

I await the nuclear explosion which will no doubt follow.

I. Am. Done.

Agree that you do Christmas before him and the Witch!!! Great idea!!!

Wow, he really does think that you will do the usual on Christmas Day with him sitting in the middle like some sort of Lord with staff. What a twat.

Hi OP
Get ready for lots of this to happen, and to ramp up as the divorce ticks along. Just concentrate on what's important to you and fully expect his behaviour to get more ridiculous and immature from here on in. He'll start dating soon as well and that will just be grim, with lots of triangulation and using the new woman as nanny etc
I can promise you that eventually it does get better, once they've got less and less power over you.
I was with my DD in London this week at the natural history museum and she turned and hugged me, and said 'imagine how stressful today would have been if Dad had been here too'. And we just carried on being the freewheeling happy humans that we are, enjoying our day ♥️

@StuckInPollyannaMode

No no Daphne - he actually wanted us to SHARE Christmas Day!!!

So you can do all the hard work, planning, cooking, present buying (including for his relatives, no doubt) and organising, while he swans around piggy-backing off it all?

I just can't imagine why you'd not want to do that...

Omg re Christmas!!!! I just have to share what we do though Incase it’s an option- one has Christmas Eve overnight so also has Christmas morning and then the other has late morning onwards until New Year’s Eve. Just incase that’s an option. Meant the kids got to see us both

My ex was a slow responder during the process of our divorce. This did have a silver lining as it gave me time to think at each stage.

We were still living under the same roof, he didn't even pick up the initial divorce papers from the incoming post for quite a while. I was half hoping I would have to get papers served on him.

What I'm waiting for is his response to the latest financial and pension proposal. 8 weeks is totally unacceptable. But I can't force him to respond.

The problem is, I've now lost out on 2 houses. I can't buy or put an offer in, as the money and finances are completely stonewalled. My car needs replacing, I can't do it. I need a pay rise from work, we are holding the money in the business instead. We want to restructure the way we're paid for tax reasons, we can't do it, because it will affect my mortgage application.It's costing more and more in legal fees. I can't apply for the absolute until we've reached a financial agreement.

Meanwhile, he's sitting smug in his unimaginative beige box, driving his nice new car, with no incentive to get a bloody move on and come to an agreement on the finances and the pension.

I know what I will accept as a minimum. I want to bloody well just move on. He's got a gun to my head and he knows it.

I guess start take the steps to take it to court. He is never going to play fair so you will end up in court anyway.

House prices will like drop so that could work in your favour.

I can't apply for the absolute until we've reached a financial agreement.

Can divorces be bifurcated in the UK?

You can divorce without financial settlement in England but it is unusual.

Perhaps he doesn't want the divorce to go through and perhaps you can use that tactic to divorce without financial settlement...

@RandomMess

You can divorce without financial settlement in England but it is unusual.

Perhaps he doesn't want the divorce to go through and perhaps you can use that tactic to divorce without financial settlement...

Don't apply for the Absolute before you've sorted the finances!

@RandomMess

I guess start take the steps to take it to court. He is never going to play fair so you will end up in court anyway.

House prices will like drop so that could work in your favour.

Yup

My solicitor kept my Geller's feet to the fire with a legal timetable

Yup, start the process to go to court - the dragging of heels that he is doing is controlling, you can make that point in the application. Play hardball - that is what is needed now. You will never get him to comply without threat.

He is not very bright, is he, if he thinks you won’t see through his very transparent ‘needing to think about Christmas’ nonsense!

I’d be tempted to go back to him saying along the lines of … I’m not sure what there is to think about, it’s a simple decision about whether you want to have the DC with you over your usual contact days or not. You need to let me know by x date if you don’t want to have them.

I agree with others who have said you need to make it clear there will be no family togetherness over Christmas!

As PP have said, going to court has the great advantage of imposing an externally generated timetable for submission of evidence, court attendance, etc. It took the stress off me, in a way, or at least lessened it.

During the process, you can agree a settlement between you at any time, so may not even need to take it as far as actual hearings.Then you just have to get the judge to rubber stamp it.

I regret not taking my STBEX to court, because my financial settlement discussions are taking FOREVER… and it’s costing just as much, if not more, than taking the Court route.

No idea what the situation is re Court dates… last I heard it was 8-9 months for a date. Once you have a date, though, the clock starts ticking, and you find yourself with a timetable.

That’ll get Geller moving…

He still thinks that his children are an optional extra, like tinted windows on a car, or full board on a holiday. I agree that you need to push back hard:

"By all means have a think about arrangements. If you haven't responded by 1st September, I will assume that means that you have decided that the girls would be better with me over those days, and I will make plans. I am not in a position to host you for any part of Christmas. If you decide to have the girls during your normal contact time over Christmas, I will arrange my Christmas celebrations with them on other days."

That takes the power away from a non-response. Tails you win, heads he loses.

@Lougle

He still thinks that his children are an optional extra, like tinted windows on a car, or full board on a holiday. I agree that you need to push back hard:

"By all means have a think about arrangements. If you haven't responded by 1st September, I will assume that means that you have decided that the girls would be better with me over those days, and I will make plans. I am not in a position to host you for any part of Christmas. If you decide to have the girls during your normal contact time over Christmas, I will arrange my Christmas celebrations with them on other days."

That takes the power away from a non-response. Tails you win, heads he loses.

Good advice!

Have you spoken to SHL about the court route. It's not fair to keep you dangling like this. Assume any costs will be split so it will cost him too.

Think I name changed since I last delurked but I'm cheering you on here Polly

Oh no make him pay court costs as the higher earner and the one delaying things!

I agree with getting the court ball rolling. He has nothing to lose and everything to gain by stalling for as long as possible. For most men the only 'real' incentive to divorce is another woman, otherwise they know they stand to lose a goodly percentage of 'their' assets.

With Geller you're dealing with a 'lethal' combo of denial, greed, and control.

I agree that it's time for SHL to arrange court intervention. If you don't he's just going to drag everything out.

Also specify that you will not be hosting or entertaining Monster in Law either.

What about sending something like this
"I have instructed my sol. to apply for a court date. The court costs will be at your expense as you are deliberately dragging your feet & being uncooperative".

@Mix56

What about sending something like this "I have instructed my sol. to apply for a court date. The court costs will be at your expense as you are deliberately dragging your feet & being uncooperative".

Except that's not the case, it's quite rare that could happen. Although I'm sure a legal person could let us know?

No idea either, But it might jump start the Jackass into action