The One Where Geller Proves He Is As Useful As A Chocolate Teapot

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Hear that ticking my lovelies?

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

That’s the sound of the bomb I have just thrown over the metaphorical trench edge at Geller. Here’s the previous thread if you need to catch up. As ever, thank you for the support and the cheering and the banter and for giving me fresh perspectives.

I am fucking DONE. Done with this. I need to stand up and fight for the girls. He is NEVER going to do what he needs to for them.

So I picked them up from school and they were quiet but ok. We’ve had pizza in our pjs and they’re asleep. I have had a barrage of questions about who I have seen this weekend and what I’ve been doing and why am I wearing new clothes and do I have new friends and am I working as much as I should be etc etc. Clearly fed by him, they’ve never done that before.

Then I get this (he hadn’t responded to my previous message at all)

How is DD1?

We can talk albeit I have very little time in the next few days. Strangely someone praised me this weekend for how well I dealt with one of her meltdowns. She really struggled with the homework. Together we bought various materials while DD2 was having her hair cut. But of course when she made it, it didn’t go well. However she and I did it together first thing Sunday before DD2 woke and she did it brilliantly.

It was DD1 that led our walk while DD2 was a pain and tried to stop us going, finally relenting after the first field.

Both of them played brilliantly with the boys over the other side of the fence. But it’s the usual challenge of when they are on their own in a small space. It’s simply a very intense thing single parenting. And I can’t break DD1 on sleeping alone and I’m not prepared for it to become tears and anger. As I say she ended up watching the football and was engrossed.

So I said

I also have very little time. So I’ll leave it to you to figure it out.

She is in bed, asleep, with clean hair. They have both been quiet and we have talked about zero tolerance for violence, shouting and arguing. and what that means and the importance of kind words and being gentle and how to act when you’re angry and that you need to be mindful of the words that come out of your mouth as they can upset people. I repeat, next week I will email to discuss the shape of the next school year as it sounds like the current arrangement isn't working for the girls if they are that short of sleep and upset at the start of the school week. The girls need you in their life but it needs to come at a lower emotional cost for them and for me.

I would like to make you aware the level of messaging is unwelcome, and that I am looking to address this and agree on appropriate levels of communication moving forward.

I await the nuclear explosion which will no doubt follow.

I. Am. Done.

[quote SortingItOut]@AcrossthePond55 I use Becky Excel's recipe - glutenfreecuppatea.co.uk/2019/03/28/gluten-free-scones-recipe-vegan-low-fodmap/

I don't use Xantham Gum or GF Baking Powder and they turn out great.[/quote]
Thank you! I'll give it a go!

Urgent work?

Leave the girls and arrange to pick them up in a few days/meet half way to collect?

You are so vulnerable at the moment

Oh dear, @StuckInPollyannaMode !

Remember that your primary concern is your girls. And the best for them is a happy, calm mum. If that means that you leave early, so be it. You won't lack for plausible reasons excuses from posters on this thread, that's for sure!

Dear @StuckInPollyannaMode

Whilst you are at your parents', after several deep, slow breaths and when you are ready, take a good, hard look at your mother. Think of her, think of the reason you probably ended up marrying someone like Geller, and pity her for the person she is - but from behind the barriers you are building. Poor woman, in the deepest depths of her soul, she must see who she is and, surely, must dislike the person she has become.

Do not, however, let that pity for her blunt your resolve to stay emotionally safe from her: she is still capable of wounding you.

I agree you should stay the minimum length of time allowed by duty and careful courtesy, grey rock her as much as you can, before making your escape back to your welcoming home and a glass of 🍷 or a gin-and-it. And maybe cake - there's always time for cake. And cheesy, buttery toast. And some of your favourite music. Maybe sing in the car homewards as an overture.

You might not have noticed, but you are stronger than you think. Cheers my dear. 🥃 🍰 🌹

@StuckInPollyannaMode - Big hugs darling. I’ll share some crazy stories so you know you’re not alone. My parents are both dead now, but my relationship with them was terrible. Mum was physically and emotionally abusive, and Dad vacillated between being her puppeteer and being cold and neglectful or openly hostile if drunk. I spent my teens and early 20’s looking for affection and validation (love) that was never going to exist. I never felt emotionally safe, and sometimes it affects me even now. I look at my own beautiful kids and wonder how anyone could make a child feel that way - that everything they do or say could result in rejection or humiliation because it is a direct reflection of the parents. Bonkers. I imagine you do the same with your girls. (My kids are DD17 & B/G twins who will be 15 next month. I have every confidence from the conversations we’ve been having and the way weave been facing their individual challenges that they feel emotionally safe. I haven’t been a perfect parent by any means, but I’m so proud of this evolution!!!)

*decided the cray stories took up too much bandwidth. Some other time. They’re funny though.

And PING! The insomnia is back. Interesting.

Thank you all, there’s some really good advice and ideas as ever from you all. I’m ok. And I will be ok. Sorry if I worried anyone.

I’ve come for very specific reasons, and only because other family are here. I will never be truly alone with her, there will always be someone else in the house.

I have a little list of goals for the next few days, to try and deal with this positively:

I will exercise every day
I will consciously manage the amount I drink and eat
I will count to ten in my head before I respond
If I do not want to respond I won’t
If there is a bitchy comment I will call her on it
I will carry on without smoking (day 43!)

Looking at her dispassionately I can now see all the insecurity and desperation for approval she has from others. Never seen that before. From an almost anthropological viewpoint it was fascinating how she was with me and food compared to the others, and how she’s trying to divide and conquer.

Last night I removed myself from the table to focus on the kids, then went and spent time with my dad. Came to bed early, and chatted with a friend overseas online for a couple of hours.

I can see my change in behaviour is confusing her.

@StuckInPollyannaMode Interesting thst the insomnia is back just when you're back with your mother.

I'm glad you can view it from a different point and recognise what she does.

It's good to see you put some boundaries in place to help you cope. Remember she might pushback harder today.

Hope you can get through the next 9 days (I remember you saying you're away for 10 - is it all at your parents?)

I think that's a very healthy list of coping strategies but I agree your mother will escalate or push back when she realises she isn't getting the expected and desired responses. I do feel for all of you who have toxic mothers. Mine was very difficult in her last few years, but that was to do with my dad's illness and death, which she handled with alcohol. Before that she was the best mum anyone could wish for. for you all.

Great list.
Removing yourself from the table.
Not being in her company alone.
Not answering.

Getting the hell out of there as soon as you can reasonably.

I remember this well.
I took myself off to look st the garden/walk.
Took the kids out sometimes deliberately over meal times to avoid toxic comments
Spent time cleaning & sorting ( she was handicapped)
Taking stuff to the recycling etc.
Basically removing myself from her presence as much as possible.
Basically grey rock her picking & criticism
White lie & defer any accusations, hurtful queries.
"Oh that will be for another lifetime"
"why do you ask ?
"I'm surprised you think that way"
"Hmmmm"

Keep out if her reach

@StuckInPollyannaMode I've followed you from the beginning and just want to say I'm glad Geller is quiet and hopefully he's not plotting. You are doing brilliant x

Hope your mum can change her behaviour and that you manage some lovely family time with everyone else

Polly you are doing amazingly. Keep on doing what you're doing. One hour at a time, one day at a time. It's all good.

(And it must have felt so good packing knowing you will come back to peace and quiet and no mess! )

Do not, I repeat do not, feel obliged to stay with your mum if she is being unpleasant. Neither you nor the girls need to be in that kind of environment. Go home early, and tell her why - that you’re not prepared to put up with her behaviour a moment longer.

Has anyone else had the passing image of that half melted chocolate teapot in this heat...

Keep going Polly if you need to vent we're here

Will be interesting to see what pushback you get from your mum. Will she explode and have a tantrum in front of everyone? Will she cry and claim that you’re excluding her or being mean? Will she hold it in until you get home and then do a random space invasion?

@StuckInPollyannaMode
You've inspired me to start my own thread about the nightmarish situation I'm in.

And I'm now actively looking at local places to rent, family law solicitors and am contemplating how to escape.

I don't want to tbh, as I do love my H and my house and oh, my garden and the grounds,

but I just can't live like this any more. It's a gilded cage and it's stifling me.

And I just can't live with my DS here, any more. And my DH is on his side, never, ever, mine

[quote SpringCrocus]@StuckInPollyannaMode
You've inspired me to start my own thread about the nightmarish situation I'm in.

And I'm now actively looking at local places to rent, family law solicitors and am contemplating how to escape.

I don't want to tbh, as I do love my H and my house and oh, my garden and the grounds,

but I just can't live like this any more. It's a gilded cage and it's stifling me.

And I just can't live with my DS here, any more. And my DH is on his side, never, ever, mine[/quote]
It's so hard to break away from the cage that you've partly created. I hear you and I see you ♥️♥️♥️

Polly you're doing so well. Hang in there. The greatest power your Mum can have is in your mind, and if you've recognised that, she's lost already.

@SpringCrocus I hope you find a solution and get some helpful advice.

As Geller is so quiet , could he be dating ? 😱 😱 😱

@RuthTopp : I suspect his lawyer may have told him to keep quiet and don't incriminate himself further? Or he could be so self involved that he he's busy with "life" to think about anything else.

Could be - if he's shown his lawyer some of the stuff he's been sending??

He’s still gloating about the 5p, knowing that you can’t get your greedy mitts on it?

@SpringCrocus check your PMs my lovely

I’ve had about 2 hours sleep.

I want to go home. I’ve had enough. Nothing has happened. But oh my god, the fussing, the faffing, the endless digs at my dad, the sniping, the small mind and the mean little comments and the complete fucking delusion that everything is wonderful.

Other family members feel the same. So at least it’s not just me.

I leave on Wednesday. I have Cunning Plans to manage the rest of my time here. So cunning I could pin a tail on them and call them a fox. I also have a yoga class and dinner at a very nice pub booked for Wednesday night when I get home.

If I can get through leaving Geller I can get through this, right? Plus I keep imagining you all cheering me on. Thank you all for sticking with me.