How to walk away when it's not working

[tct131416]

I've been with my DP for about 2 years. He isn't a cheat or abusive but the relationship just isn't working.

We have lots of disagreements, mainly around the things he does and how he shows no consideration to me. Every single thing I raise is just met with eye rolling, comments that I'm always complaining, him talking or shouting over me & as such the issues never go away...they just go round and round with him saying I always complain and me saying it's always the same things because my issues never get addressed.

Few examples, his circle of friends are younger than him (he's in his 40s, they're all at least 10 years younger), childless, into drinking or recreational drug use. One in particular he sees most days and speaks to everyday. I personally don't think his friends are a good influence, they're all in the same group who seems to shag each other and have dramas. I have said I don't want to stop him seeing his friends but can he at least put my mind at rest by saying he won't do coke as I'm really against it. He says he won't promise that as he doesn't want to slip up and get in even more trouble.

In the time we've been together, he's done very little to show me he cares and is looking out for my happiness. He's never arranged a trip away (we've been away a few times, all arranged by me), he never arranges a date night, never cooks me a meal he knows I'd like etc etc. Whereas I'm the opposite, I have my DC half the time and the half of the time I've not got them I stay at his place. I do his washing, cook, clean, food shop, generally make his home nice, play step mum to his DCs. He also has his DC half the time, when he's not got his though, he rarely comes to my home and when he does he makes little effort with my DC and does nothing around my house. It's like he's done me a favour just being there.

DP is very very well off, I have a normal income and just manage each month. I spend a fair amount of my own money on bits and bobs when I stay at his but if I ever find myself short for a month he'll never say can I help you out. Despite us supposed to be having plans to stay together in the long run, he says he can't understand why I think my life choices are his responsibility and sometimes suggests I'm after his money. I'm not, I can only see things from my perspective. .if my partner was struggling in any way I would help them, whether that be financially or otherwise. And I do, he just doesn't seem to value it.

He also says its my fault we can't all live together because I can't control the children properly when they're all together. I do do my best with them but with 5 young DC under one roof, in my opinion it's always going to be a bit of a mad house.

I've waffled on a bit and I know my problems are minor compared to many people on here but I just feel stuck. I was mad about this man, I really thought he was my future and we had such big plans but I feel so dismissed and ignored. He's told me so many times I'm never happy and always hen pecking him that I'm starting to think he's right. But my ExH and I never had this constant on off shit, we just grew apart and called it a day pretty amicably.

My mums watched all this over the last 2 years and her conclusion is that I either need to put up or shut up as it isn't changing. Everytime I decide I need to walk away though I just can't, I ruminate and obsess and overthink and never get past a couple of days before I'm back at his again. So the point of my post is, how do you actually make yourself do it and get through the pain and all the worries that it's the wrong thing etc etc?

Well done OP

you just need to criticise less
I can see that dream of his coming true if you manage not to contact him at all any more.

I saw The Dreamies as a message to op to dream big 😀
Op, you are doing brilliantly. Look at what you've accomplished in the last few days ! You can do this and you can do / be whatever you want !
He'll come sniffing back probably so we'll done on blocking him. He may try a different angle but like a pp said, don't get into a debate with him about why you're ending it. You no longer want to be in a relationship full stop.
When you see your friends, I would put your problems on the back burner for now ; ask them about them, how they're getting on, etc. Show them that you are a good friend and how lovely and kind you are. I think this approach will help your self esteem.
The future for you is looking great. Stay positive. If you're feeling low ( and you will do at first), remind yourself how good a catch you are. You deserve more than what he gave, which incidentally, was feck all.

@tct131416 How was yesterday?
Hope your nails are looking fabulous and you've got an amazing kitchen to look forward to.

I think you should be proud of yourself renovating your house and getting a new kitchen.

Can't believe he told you to change to save the relationship 🤦‍♀️
He really doesn't get it does he.
I think he was hoping you had calmed down and were just going to accept his behaviour as that is what he has trained you to do, he's probably completely miffed that you've suddenly developed boundaries.

You are doing great😁

Thank you for all your replies, nobody else in RL knows what is going on so this place is really saving me at the moment.

I've not heard from him since the call on Thursday afternoon. I think he's satisfied himself that he can still manage to get hold of me if he wants too.

I'm having waves of being ok and waves of feeling crap. Why do I want him to beg me for forgiveness when a) I know he won't and b) even if he did, he can't change. I know he's got his kids until Wednesday so I've think I've got a bit more peace of mind until then as I don't have to wonder what he's upto.

But I've kept him blocked since Wednesday morning so at least I've got this far.

@SortingItOut he definitely thinks it me that's the problem, 100%. The more I think of the things he's done the more I'm sure it's not. I didn't even post some of the headline events as I was scared to get a roasting 🙈

@tct131416 You want him to run after you so he proves he loves and cares for you as much as you did him and because you had made him the centre of your life and you wanted this reciprocated.

It hurts to know you meant so little to him.

You are doing great, 1 day at a time, even 1 hour at a time is all you need to do.

Of course its not you, the only thing you have done wrong, in his eyes, is call it quits, he thought he had you right where he wanted you - doing all the wife work and being on tap for sex when he wanted it.

We would not roast you on here, instead we would let you know its further evidence of why it had to end for your sake.

Just keep staying away from him and it'll get easier.

Your brain is sort of addicted to him, so it's like a craving. Ride it out, distract yourself, don't indulge in long bouts of rumination about it, make yourself get up and do something (preferably fun/satisfying) to take your mind off it.

Maybe write a list of all the shit things he's done if you're afraid to tell us.

There was stuff worse than what you told us!!???

Another quick update, I've not spoken to him since he called me on Thursday. He's still blocked on all formats and he hasn't turned up at my door.

I'm experiencing highs and lows. Sometimes I get stuck imagining him starting to talk to someone else and feeling sick, or being really happy that I'm no longer 'hen pecking' him and being really glad I'm off the scene. It's particularly bad when I'm trying to fall to sleep.

But I'm not down all the time. I went from being a social smoker before DP to smoking 15 a day by the time we split up as he's a heavy smoker. I know it's disgusting but the constant ups and downs of the relationship meant I just did it more and more until I couldn't stop. Anyway, I worked out 15 a day was costing me £300 a month...for someone who only just makes ends meet this is insane. So, yesterday morning I went and bought an ecig and haven't smoked a cigarette since. I don't even want one. Feeling really happy about that.

I've also been contacted by an agency about a job which is in my field but completely different to what I do now and much better paid. They've submitted my CV now so fingers crossed.

Trying to keep upbeat, fake it till you feel it and all that

Well done! All positive stuff, and good luck with the application.

Rah Rah OP! (bit of cheerleading)

Well done on the smoking!

Good luck with the job!!!

Well done OP.

Sounds like you are much, much stronger than you think.

Best of luck with the job.

The way I'm being now is the complete opposite to how I've been the last 2 years, I've had zero get up and go apart from doing things with/for him. I just want to have stuff keeping me occupied though, the busier I am the less I analyse and obsess.

I am in constant fear of having a major crash, I wish that feeling would go away it's like a dark cloud following me around

My mums watched all this over the last 2 years and her conclusion is that I either need to put up or shut up as it isn't changing

I agree.

@tct131416 Good to see you posting, great news on giving up smoking and the potential job.

You are doing brilliantly.
Even when something is the right decision it can still hurt like hell. Just keep remembering the time with him when you were nothing but a skivvy and the lack of love and respect.

Remember hour by hour, day by day😇

I asked what has changed. His response was nothing, you just need to criticise less and understand I'm a busy person

He has zero self-awareness, does he?

You've done a good thing OP, you trusted your gut and in time you will feel 100% better.

Keep focusing on WHAT YOU WANT. Make a list, see your friends, put a plan in place (even if it's something as simple as "go swimming twice weekly"). Pat yourself on the back for all the DIY you've done and think how lovely it will be to be happily, comfortably settled in a house that you own and worked on yourself. You are free of a massive time- and confidence-suck.

The way I'm being now is the complete opposite to how I've been the last 2 years, I've had zero get up and go apart from doing things with/for him. I just want to have stuff keeping me occupied though, the busier I am the less I analyse and obsess

Wow you're doing great! It's time to focus on what you want and need now, just keep it moving and plan for your future.

Hopefully there won't be any crash but if there ever is everything you're doing now is strengthening your position to deal with it as you're already proving to yourself there is a life without him iyswim.

Like you said stay as busy as possible and fill your time so you don't ruminate. You have all of us here in your corner to reassure you.

I am in constant fear of having a major crash, I wish that feeling would go away it's like a dark cloud following me around

Well, you might have a crash - but so what? You will get back up again and get through it. Channel some Chumbawamba

All emotions are temporary.

And you may not. It may just get easier and better, because he was like a fucking millstone dragging you down under. Or a cheesegrater shredding you slowly.

You will be OK. You will be happy again. You have so much going for you, no dismal shitbag of a bloke is going to keep you down forever.

You are so impressive op!

Ditched waster bf - tick
Quit smoking - tick
Making plans for career change - tick
Getting back in touch with old friends - tick

You will not regret ending this 'relationship'. I can't believe the cheek of the man. You had to do all the running. Look after his DC when he wasn't interested in yours. Do his housework as well as your own. DO your own DIY without any help from him. He brought literally nothing to the table. He must be v arrogant and assume he's such a love god that that's enough, and that you'll be grateful. Even now, he can't understand that he may have been at fault in some way. Stunning.

I understand it can be upsetting imaginging someone moving on. But every time you think of it, transfer your thoughts to your own 'moving on' - your house renovation / potential new job / spending time with your lovely DC / and all the unknown lovely things in your future. Maybe another man - a decent one who shares the workload and treats you as you deserve to be treated. Keep it up!!

I've read through all your posts on this thread OP and you've done the right thing! I don't even know you, yet I can tell such a change from negative to positive in your posting since blocking him. You're taking a massive step forwards, be it having counselling, quitting smoking and the potential of a new job! All big things and this is in the space of a week! See how much you can achieve without this man in your life! He will soon realise what he's lost (when he finally accepts he was at fault), but it'll be too little too late and you're not going to wait around to find that out.

Wishing you all the very best. You won't crash xx

Just popping in for an update. You've no idea how much each reply spurs me on.

It's been a bit of a crap 2 day as he managed to get to me by email by saying he needed to speak to me about something. Cue 2 days of me telling him all about himself and him saying he does nothing wrong, I'm just never happy, I think I'm perfect etc etc. He says he can't believe how horrible I am being, I ended up telling him it was done this morning and haven't heard back. I've had 2 days of feeling stressed, anxious and on edge for nothing. I knew in my heart he was just reeling me back in so it's my own fault for taking part.

In better news, I'm now on day 6 of not smoking and feeling so happy about it. I feel like I want to tell strangers in the street ha ha.

I have also been interviewed and applied for a job!! It's a much better role and would be a 30% pay rise BUT it's a 12 month contract with a good chance of getting a permanent role at the end but no guarantee. I don't know whether to take the gamble or stay where I am. It feels a bit wreckless taking a contract role when I am a singe mum of 3 with a mortgage etc. Any thoughts on this welcome!

I had my first proper therapy session yesterday, I feel like it's definitely going to be a game change for me if I stick with it and do my 'homework'.

Last bit of news, my children are doggy mad and I've put off getting one as I've only been in my house half the time whilst I was with DP. But as that's no longer the case, I decided now was the time and have reserved a pup. I'm not telling my kids, it's going to be a surprise. I'm excited and apprehensive about this, I know in the first few weeks before he's house trained I'll be wondering what on earth I was thinking but I think it'll be good for us in the long run plus he can keep me company when I've not got the kids.

I went out with my friends earlier in the week, briefly explained that I was no longer with DP and that I'm having a tough time but I'm working on it. I also said I know I've been a terrible friend but I really do want to put that right. They were quite taken aback, I never talk like that, but I think it was the right thing to do.

Anyway, I better stop as it's turning into an essay. I'm pissed off with myself for getting caught up in pointless arguing but I'll just have to try and learn from it I guess.

Sorry that was supposed to say I've been interviewed for and offered a job

OP,
You sound strong and more together than you realise.
The not smoking is amazing, well done.

Do not respond again to him.
Your decision is made.

No advice about the job, but congratulations on being offered it.

Oh well done on the job offer!

I did wonder if you had been sucked back in when you went quiet - glad to hear that you haven't ended up sinking back into his quicksand. That's a win - you did not go back!

Getting a doggo is very exciting .

I dunno quite what to say about a 12 month contract - yes, it's pretty scary. I suppose you could always save as much as you can of the 30% extra over the year so it's either a buffer at the contract's end or a nice stash for the future if you get extended/get offered a permanent position? And you would just have to keep looking for your next step throughout? It is a gamble, but well, you do succeed at interviews.

I'm so glad you came back to update .