How to walk away when it's not working

[tct131416]

I've been with my DP for about 2 years. He isn't a cheat or abusive but the relationship just isn't working.

We have lots of disagreements, mainly around the things he does and how he shows no consideration to me. Every single thing I raise is just met with eye rolling, comments that I'm always complaining, him talking or shouting over me & as such the issues never go away...they just go round and round with him saying I always complain and me saying it's always the same things because my issues never get addressed.

Few examples, his circle of friends are younger than him (he's in his 40s, they're all at least 10 years younger), childless, into drinking or recreational drug use. One in particular he sees most days and speaks to everyday. I personally don't think his friends are a good influence, they're all in the same group who seems to shag each other and have dramas. I have said I don't want to stop him seeing his friends but can he at least put my mind at rest by saying he won't do coke as I'm really against it. He says he won't promise that as he doesn't want to slip up and get in even more trouble.

In the time we've been together, he's done very little to show me he cares and is looking out for my happiness. He's never arranged a trip away (we've been away a few times, all arranged by me), he never arranges a date night, never cooks me a meal he knows I'd like etc etc. Whereas I'm the opposite, I have my DC half the time and the half of the time I've not got them I stay at his place. I do his washing, cook, clean, food shop, generally make his home nice, play step mum to his DCs. He also has his DC half the time, when he's not got his though, he rarely comes to my home and when he does he makes little effort with my DC and does nothing around my house. It's like he's done me a favour just being there.

DP is very very well off, I have a normal income and just manage each month. I spend a fair amount of my own money on bits and bobs when I stay at his but if I ever find myself short for a month he'll never say can I help you out. Despite us supposed to be having plans to stay together in the long run, he says he can't understand why I think my life choices are his responsibility and sometimes suggests I'm after his money. I'm not, I can only see things from my perspective. .if my partner was struggling in any way I would help them, whether that be financially or otherwise. And I do, he just doesn't seem to value it.

He also says its my fault we can't all live together because I can't control the children properly when they're all together. I do do my best with them but with 5 young DC under one roof, in my opinion it's always going to be a bit of a mad house.

I've waffled on a bit and I know my problems are minor compared to many people on here but I just feel stuck. I was mad about this man, I really thought he was my future and we had such big plans but I feel so dismissed and ignored. He's told me so many times I'm never happy and always hen pecking him that I'm starting to think he's right. But my ExH and I never had this constant on off shit, we just grew apart and called it a day pretty amicably.

My mums watched all this over the last 2 years and her conclusion is that I either need to put up or shut up as it isn't changing. Everytime I decide I need to walk away though I just can't, I ruminate and obsess and overthink and never get past a couple of days before I'm back at his again. So the point of my post is, how do you actually make yourself do it and get through the pain and all the worries that it's the wrong thing etc etc?

[category12]

But he doesn't reciprocate really (if he did he wouldn't treat you this way) so however good it feels in his arms at the time, it's bad for you in the long run - he's like your heroin, let's say.

You can break free, you just have to ride out the cravings, like a junkie going cold turkey.

You can learn from your previous attempts to leave him - you know how you're going to feel and what the traps are, so you need to put things in place so you won't go back. Make yourself a list of how you're going to prevent yourself going back and reasons you shouldn't go back.

Lots of self-care strategies, maybe have someone as a "sponsor" - a good mate or your mum (and tell them they're there to stiffen your resolve, not be blindly supportive), maybe plan a few days away from home, go stay with someone, make plans for the weekends and evenings, fill your time so there's no room for brooding. Maybe see if you can get some counselling sessions or do the Freedom Programme.

There are other men out there who will spark for you.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

I need to walk away though I just can't, I ruminate and obsess and overthink and never get past a couple of days before I'm back at his again

Can you break down what you are ruminating and obsessing over please OP that sends the signal in your brain that you must go running back there... doing his cooking, doing his laundry, minding his kids???

What exactly are you missing out on if you don't go back?? You're going to have to spell this one out to me because I see literally nothing attractive about this man whatsoever.

Genuinely baffled.

[Norahsplan]

I understand you will miss parts. I miss his voice and our random phone calls. I miss him sending me little videos to make me smile. I miss his I used to feel before I knew what I do now. I sometimes just cry in my bed going over it all. Thinking of the time he got me a £40 bottle of perfume because he wanted me to think of him when I wore it. His t-shirts still in my wardrobe and smells of his aftershave. The memories hurt. But I couldn't go on as I was. Egg shells. Anxiety. Feeling like we were getting nowhere. Realising he didn't out me first. He was immature.

You just can't give in. I have an old FB account. So I occasionally go and "spy" but there's no temptation to go back now. I only look because I'm curious if he's found his next victim. Plus sometimes I'm just angry he's got away with hurting so many women over the years.

You've got to get used to not communicating that's all. It's strange at first. I remember being sad first thing and then around 6pm because we'd always talk then. Or I'd get my good morning text. But now I actually sleep better than ever and no longer wake up hoping to see his name on the screen.


A couple of weeks of hurt is so worth it to get away. You can do it

[Closetbeanmuncher]

There's a population of 32.9 million males in the UK. Are you saying then that you think out of that 32.9 million there are none bar this guy with nice hands and a nice voice?

Come on now OP ffs. You're being used as a skivvy and until you believe that you're better than that it will be your lot.

[tct131416]

@Closetbeanmuncher

I need to walk away though I just can't, I ruminate and obsess and overthink and never get past a couple of days before I'm back at his again

Can you break down what you are ruminating and obsessing over please OP that sends the signal in your brain that you must go running back there... doing his cooking, doing his laundry, minding his kids???

What exactly are you missing out on if you don't go back?? You're going to have to spell this one out to me because I see literally nothing attractive about this man whatsoever.

Genuinely baffled.

As cliché as it is, I love the man. I want to think it's going to get better and I'm stuck in the mindset that it's me that's creating problems and I should just be happy with him being who he is. He says a lot that I should just accept who he is and be happy with it.

I can't pinpoint what exactly I'm struggling with - when I've not got my kids I've made him the centre of my world and I'm a bit lost without it. I don't have many friends and the ones I do have are all settled down in happy marriages. I also hate to think of him moving on and being absolutely fine without me whilst I'm a crying pathetic mess.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

He says a lot that I should just accept who he is and be happy with it.

A father who takes drugs and expects and lets a woman "do his washing, cook, clean, food shop, generally make his home nice, play step mum to his DCs"?

Aka a lazy wanker.

Please stop being complicit in teaching all the children involved that this is a normal and healthy dynamic.

It isn't, it's misogynist, sexist and fucked up.

I also hate to think of him moving on and being absolutely fine without me whilst I'm a crying pathetic mess.

As much as it hurts, this will be the case if it ends now or later.

May as well be now.

[category12]

You've never really been single, it seems like? Sounds like you've spent your entire adult life in relationships? It seems to me that when you found this chap, you threw yourself into repeating the wife role even tho you weren't getting much back - devoting yourself to looking after him and running round after him. I presume you were like this in your marriage too and there was probably a big labour/effort gap there too?

What interests of your own do you have? Seems like a good time to start making yourself centre of your world, finding out who you are and what you like, and what you like about yourself.

[seensome]

Start mentally preparing to checkout of this relationship, I know it's hard I've been there but staying in this kind of relationship is toxic, you shouldn't have to put up with him shouting at you, drug taking and running around after him. I'm not normally a book reader but the book on Amazon why men love bitches is a good book, not to get men like this to love you but it makes you understand more about boundaries and when to say no to this kind of behaviour and why it doesn't work to tolerate it.

In my last relationship which was on/off and toxic, towards the end he let me down and I knew if did the same thing again, I mentally prepared myself it would be the last if he did, sure enough he did and I got a drunken apology but I never responded to him and that was the final end to that, you can't keep forgiving crappy behaviour.

[Norahsplan]

Believe me he will miss you. He will have to start shopping and doing his own chores! You are addicted to the little bit of occasional love or attention he throws at you. There's always some good bits. Even the bad ones have nice things about them. The problem is the scales are not balanced. You have got too much bad stuff going on and unfortunately that takes over his nice parts.

The bottom line is you accepting this is who he is. I was as frustrated at you. I honestly could not believe a 47 year old still wanted to be an idiot. But he did. He had had a normalish relationship with his last long term woman. They were together 8 years and had the nice home, garden and dogs. She worked hard. He worked too. But then his drinking became all day everyday and he was sacked at work. Started having affairs. Drink and drugs ruins people eventually. He's now got nothing to show for himself because that woman also had enough. She's actually in my opinion trauma bonded to him. Because they have developed a friendship that doesn't make sense to the hell he put her through. But he like your guy knows how to control things for his own needs.

If you want to do this then you need to do it. Feel the heartache for a while. Keep him blocked. Read the books. Listen to the podcasts. Keep busy. You will cry sometimes and feel weak. But other days you will feel good. Then gradually you won't miss him half as much. One day you will meet someone who will cook you a nice dinner. Suggest nice things to do together. Not do drugs. But you can't meet him with this frog still in your life. I can bet you his big head thinks he's got you and you will never stop being available. Proove him wrong.

If he does move on then she will get the same treatment.

[HollowTalk]

For god's sake nip this in the bud right now. This is an immature man that you're dealing with and he doesn't care about you at all. Why on earth are you putting yourself through this?

[SortingItOut]

A man should enhance your life and not be your life.

I think you should read Mr Unavailable snd the fallback girl.
Your boyfriend is emotionally unavailable and you think by doing all the wifework he will miraculously treat you better/love you more but he won't he can only think about himself.

Also he's getting richer while you get poorer, why are you spending your and your kids money on another man and his kids?
If you didnt do the wife work he would have to fo it or hire in help.
You have saved him thousands and he has no regard for you.

The fact he isn't with you much on his time without his kids shows what he thinks if you, him and his friends are his priority.

You have got this and you can do it.

You need to fill your time with hobbies, friends, things for you.
A lot of parents love their childfree time because they can down tools from being mum and can be selfish.

I hope you can make the jump all in one go but if you cant could you stay at yours more when you don't have your kids and when you go to his can you pull back from the wife work until you're ready to jump fully.

Option 1 is easier and we can hold your hand.
Don't worry about missing him because he does nothing to enhance your life and once you're out of the cycle of your relationship you'll realise it to.
If he meets someone else you know he'll treat them in the same way, he is nothing special.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

He says a lot that I should just accept who he is and be happy with it

You don't have to accept anything, but you're wasting your time trying to change it. He's let you know that he has no intention of changing with that statement alone.

when I've not got my kids I've made him the centre of my world and I'm a bit lost without it

That's your mistake right there. A man should never be the centre of your universe they should enhance it as sorting said.

This is never going to stop until in your heart you believe that you deserve better and will accept nothing less.

In the meantime you need to put some time into your friends and interests and create a life for yourself that doesn't involve being an unpaid skivvy to this loser. You need to create a life outside of the relationship so it doesn't feel like you've lost it all when you leave it, does that make sense?

[Closetbeanmuncher]

I feel like I'll never meet anyone who I'll have the same feelings for or be as physically attracted to

Again 32.9 million males in the UK, you need to use your logic here. You're basing your comparison and decision making on two.

What was the timescale from ending the marriage to starting this relationship and who ended the marriage?

[tct131416]

@category12

You've never really been single, it seems like? Sounds like you've spent your entire adult life in relationships? It seems to me that when you found this chap, you threw yourself into repeating the wife role even tho you weren't getting much back - devoting yourself to looking after him and running round after him. I presume you were like this in your marriage too and there was probably a big labour/effort gap there too?

What interests of your own do you have? Seems like a good time to start making yourself centre of your world, finding out who you are and what you like, and what you like about yourself.

No I have never really been single since I was a teenager. And yes you're right, I have pretty much gone from one wife role to another. There were similar elements with ExH but he was very hands on with the kids and renovating our home so it balanced it out better. I'm actually renovating my home now and DP doesn't offer to help with anything so on the upside I'm going to have an army of skills by the time I have finished. I've knocked out fireplaces, removed bathrooms, taken out windows on my own. He doesn't seem to think it's his responsibility to help.

I really have no interests of my own, only a couple of friends who I very rarely see, a very steady job WFH so don't see anyone. I can see if my life was full of other things it'd be a lot easier to break away.

[tct131416]

@Closetbeanmuncher

I feel like I'll never meet anyone who I'll have the same feelings for or be as physically attracted to

Again 32.9 million males in the UK, you need to use your logic here. You're basing your comparison and decision making on two.

What was the timescale from ending the marriage to starting this relationship and who ended the marriage?

I know logically you are completely right.

ExH and I were separated but living together until our home sold for about a year, met DP only about a month after I'd bought my new house.

[tct131416]

@SortingItOut

A man should enhance your life and not be your life.

I think you should read Mr Unavailable snd the fallback girl.
Your boyfriend is emotionally unavailable and you think by doing all the wifework he will miraculously treat you better/love you more but he won't he can only think about himself.

Also he's getting richer while you get poorer, why are you spending your and your kids money on another man and his kids?
If you didnt do the wife work he would have to fo it or hire in help.
You have saved him thousands and he has no regard for you.

The fact he isn't with you much on his time without his kids shows what he thinks if you, him and his friends are his priority.

You have got this and you can do it.

You need to fill your time with hobbies, friends, things for you.
A lot of parents love their childfree time because they can down tools from being mum and can be selfish.

I hope you can make the jump all in one go but if you cant could you stay at yours more when you don't have your kids and when you go to his can you pull back from the wife work until you're ready to jump fully.

Option 1 is easier and we can hold your hand.
Don't worry about missing him because he does nothing to enhance your life and once you're out of the cycle of your relationship you'll realise it to.
If he meets someone else you know he'll treat them in the same way, he is nothing special.

Thank you, your post is full of sensible motivating advice

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

I have my DC half the time and the half of the time I've not got them I stay at his place. I do his washing, cook, clean, food shop, generally make his home nice, play step mum to his DCs. He also has his DC half the time, when he's not got his though, he rarely comes to my home and when he does he makes little effort with my DC and does nothing around my house. It's like he's done me a favour just being there.

Stop being such a mug!!

He’s not very loving and affectionate because essentially you are staff to him.

Enjoy your time off without your DC by going out alone or with friends, taking up new hobbies, meeting new people. Not babysitting his kids and cleaning his house!! Get some self respect and leave him to deal with his domestic shit by himself.

People treat us the way we allow them to. If you want him to act like a partner instead of your non-paying employer, make him take you out on dates, woo you, put in a bit of effort. You get the relationship you settle for. So stop settling for this shit and aim higher.

[Sorehandsandfeet]

He will not change. You are bending over backwards, emphasising to him that he matters more than you do. Put your children first, he's taking too much of your physical and emotional energy away from them. They will remember that.

[Clov3119]

I have to say that this is abusive. It is called stonewalling when someone will not address issues. My ex did this. He was abusive when the arguments started after me feeling demeaned, rejected and devalued. Eventually he physically attacked me just 2 weeks ago and I asked him to get anger management or go. He chose the latter and left me and my son and now is already talking to someone new. Although he probably isn't as bad as my ex it is not right to have your feelings dismissed.

[GertietheGherkin]

How do you deal with situations like this?
You cut people who are causing you pain, and upset out of your life!

This guy has got it made with you, he's got you, shopping, cooking, cleaning, childcare and no doubt sex on tap.
Where is he having to "work" at anything? You're giving him the life of Riley!

He may have a few bob, but he's never going to ever share any of that with you. He's happy to blow money on coke, and out with the lads.

You are just a casual option, not a priority... You need to find someone who'll see you and your kids as a priority in their lives.
Throw this one back, he's not for you.

Good luck ❤️

[SortingItOut]

@tct131416 I'm glad you found my post helpful.

Aside from reading books I think you need counselling to address your self esteem issues and why you take on the wife role and seek out emotionally unavailable men.

Stop going to your boyfriends on your down time and you'll get your renovations done much quicker, while you're doing his housework your home is sitting there.

Why don't you have any interests?
What things excite you or you read about and wish you could do?
Why don't you have many friends?
Could you contact your friends and see if they want to meet for coffee/walk/meal out?

Do your work colleagues ever organise meals out?

I think you can build an amazing life and really embrace yourself and being single, it feels like a huge leap but you can do it.

How are you feeling about it all today ?
Are you back home now?

[tct131416]

[quote SortingItOut]@tct131416 I'm glad you found my post helpful.

Aside from reading books I think you need counselling to address your self esteem issues and why you take on the wife role and seek out emotionally unavailable men.

Stop going to your boyfriends on your down time and you'll get your renovations done much quicker, while you're doing his housework your home is sitting there.

Why don't you have any interests?
What things excite you or you read about and wish you could do?
Why don't you have many friends?
Could you contact your friends and see if they want to meet for coffee/walk/meal out?

Do your work colleagues ever organise meals out?

I think you can build an amazing life and really embrace yourself and being single, it feels like a huge leap but you can do it.

How are you feeling about it all today ?
Are you back home now?[/quote]
I agree I think counselling would be really useful although I can't really justify the extra outgoing, I'll have a look tonight and see how much it would cost and if it's doable.

I honestly don't know why I have no interests, I'm quite introverted so don't like going to places I don't know i.e. starting a new fitness class etc etc. The thought of it fills me with dread so I just don't end up doing much.

I'd like to have a career, my job - although suiting my needs childcare wise - makes me feel so boring. I dread anyone asking what I do because I feel sorry for them having to act interested.

I'm not a good friend really, I'm not consistent with keeping in contact, I forget their birthdays and their kids birthdays. I think it's got to the point where if I contact my remaining close friends they think I am just using them because something else has gone wrong in my life.

Feeling really really low today, I think I secretly hoped people would say he's not that bad and things can be sorted out. I didn't say anything last night, I was just completely withdrawn then got up this morning and left early.

He messaged me saying you wouldn't pinpoint what day you were coming back - is everything ok? I replied and said I'm realising more and more that I've let myself be walked all over and that it's actually quite humiliating. He said he was sorry I felt that I'm walked all over and it's just circumstances (i.e. living apart, juggling the kids). Then he said I was making a matter of out nothing again. I asked him what I get from him as a partner and he said we do things together, he doesn't do your dishes or diy but that's because we're always at his house. Then he started getting annoyed asking what it is I actually want from him so I've just left it for now.

[tct131416]

*he doesn't do my dishes or diy but that's because we're always at his house

[SortingItOut]

Would you have enough money for counselling if you stopped spending money on your boyfriend, his kids and his house?
In my area counselling is about £50ph - its expensive but health is a priority.

It sounds like you went from teenager to young adult to married woman in one fell swoop and you never found your own identity and interests.

What did you used to like doing?
What do you see others do that you like the idea of?
Do you like countryside or city?
Do you like outside or inside?
Do you like active or not so active?

Being introverted is difficult in terms of joining new things, what are your neighbours like? Do they attend stuff and you could tag along?
Could you speak to the organiser of something you want to do to see if they could pair you up with another attendee so you walk in together?

Why are you being negative about your job, I'm sure people are interested.
What would you like to do career wise?
How old are your children?

If your friends are good friends they won't think like that, I have a friend who I see once a year and its like no time has passed at all and we chat away.
You dont have to tell them your problems because you can do that on here.
Just make contact and see about meeting up.
If they live local and go to places can you tag along ?

When you met your boyfriend how did you date without kids there?
Most people would see their boyfriends when they don't have their kids but it seems that your time with your children is the opposite to his so you never get child free time?
When did the dynamic change to you doing all the wifework and helping with his kids?
What things do you do together?

I wouldnt worry about him not doing your dishes or not helping with your renovations as its not his job to do that but equally it shows that his excuse is that he is never at yours and doesn't seem to want to change that.

Don't worry about the question of what you want from him for now.
The main thing is that he sees no issue with you being his surrogate wife/slave and thinks that dynsmic is right.

[FlowerArranger]

He's spent so much time telling me I'm the problem though that my self esteem is in the gutter.

A good partner would try to boost your self esteem, be supportive and considerate. He is none of these things. On the contrary, he deliberately makes you feel low and worthless, and encourages you to believe that without him you are nothing.

I hope you can stay strong and cut him out of your life. Counselling is definitely a good idea, but in the meantime you may want to read a couple of books about building up self esteem, such as The Six Pillars of Self Esteem, by Nathaniel Barden.