How to walk away when it's not working

[tct131416]

I've been with my DP for about 2 years. He isn't a cheat or abusive but the relationship just isn't working.

We have lots of disagreements, mainly around the things he does and how he shows no consideration to me. Every single thing I raise is just met with eye rolling, comments that I'm always complaining, him talking or shouting over me & as such the issues never go away...they just go round and round with him saying I always complain and me saying it's always the same things because my issues never get addressed.

Few examples, his circle of friends are younger than him (he's in his 40s, they're all at least 10 years younger), childless, into drinking or recreational drug use. One in particular he sees most days and speaks to everyday. I personally don't think his friends are a good influence, they're all in the same group who seems to shag each other and have dramas. I have said I don't want to stop him seeing his friends but can he at least put my mind at rest by saying he won't do coke as I'm really against it. He says he won't promise that as he doesn't want to slip up and get in even more trouble.

In the time we've been together, he's done very little to show me he cares and is looking out for my happiness. He's never arranged a trip away (we've been away a few times, all arranged by me), he never arranges a date night, never cooks me a meal he knows I'd like etc etc. Whereas I'm the opposite, I have my DC half the time and the half of the time I've not got them I stay at his place. I do his washing, cook, clean, food shop, generally make his home nice, play step mum to his DCs. He also has his DC half the time, when he's not got his though, he rarely comes to my home and when he does he makes little effort with my DC and does nothing around my house. It's like he's done me a favour just being there.

DP is very very well off, I have a normal income and just manage each month. I spend a fair amount of my own money on bits and bobs when I stay at his but if I ever find myself short for a month he'll never say can I help you out. Despite us supposed to be having plans to stay together in the long run, he says he can't understand why I think my life choices are his responsibility and sometimes suggests I'm after his money. I'm not, I can only see things from my perspective. .if my partner was struggling in any way I would help them, whether that be financially or otherwise. And I do, he just doesn't seem to value it.

He also says its my fault we can't all live together because I can't control the children properly when they're all together. I do do my best with them but with 5 young DC under one roof, in my opinion it's always going to be a bit of a mad house.

I've waffled on a bit and I know my problems are minor compared to many people on here but I just feel stuck. I was mad about this man, I really thought he was my future and we had such big plans but I feel so dismissed and ignored. He's told me so many times I'm never happy and always hen pecking him that I'm starting to think he's right. But my ExH and I never had this constant on off shit, we just grew apart and called it a day pretty amicably.

My mums watched all this over the last 2 years and her conclusion is that I either need to put up or shut up as it isn't changing. Everytime I decide I need to walk away though I just can't, I ruminate and obsess and overthink and never get past a couple of days before I'm back at his again. So the point of my post is, how do you actually make yourself do it and get through the pain and all the worries that it's the wrong thing etc etc?

[OnceUponAMidnightBeery]

I’ve just read your whole thread and bloody hell WELL DONE OP!!!

You sound like you’re getting back to ‘you’ after being a mere reflection of your ex, and it’s so exciting 🥳

Congratulations on the job offer! I’ve no advice there I’m afraid but it shows you that if this job isn’t right, there will be others, you are clearly talented and come across well in interviews, hope that gives your confidence a boost (it should!)

Lovely news about the pup, what breed have you gone for? Check out The Doghouse section of MN if you need any advice, posters there are very helpful too.

Completely randomly, but for some reason I picture you as a slim, quite tall redhead who likes green. Must be the

[SortingItOut]

@tct131416 Your boundaries are excellent, he will keep trying to reel you back because he thinks you will come to your senses and realise you are wrong and you do want to be his skivvy afterall.

Expect him back again next week,he probably won't take no for an answer for a while.
I imagine his house is a mess and his kids haven't eaten properly at his.

Excellent news on the smoking, even in a time of stress you're managing this. Well done.

Great news on the therapy, it will work but some weeks will be hard and you might regret it temporarily but long term this is what you need.

Assume the job is with a different firm?
How do you know there is a good chance of permanent at the end? Did the company tell you? Do you know anyone who works there currently?
I do think its a huge risk but sounds a good opportunity.
Would your current firm have you back if the contract ended without you being permanent?

Yay to the puppy, the first month will be really bad but after that you'll wonder why you didn't do it before.

I love your last paragraph about learning from the contact with him, when you're conditioned to see the good in him you had no reason to think his contact wasn't genuine.

Hows the renovating going?

[ahoyshipmates]

So he rings you up purposely to tell you that he's done nothing wrong, it is all your fault, you're never happy (no shit sherlock) and that you're being horrible. Presumably so you will beg forgiveness and run back to him. I mean... who wouldn't?

What a dickhead.

Stay strong OP, and well done with the stopping smoking.

[tct131416]

Hello, sorry for the late reply

@SortingItOut I knew there was a good chance it would be permanent at the end as this employer seems to take people on as fixed term contracts initially as a rule. Presumably so it's a lot easier to sack them if they're not up to the role. But I decided it just wasn't the right time with everything else that's going on so I've turned it down this morning.

@OnceUponAMidnightBeery your description is quite accurate minus the red hair grin . I've gone for a cockapoo as apparently they're lovely family dogs and also because my DD is a big fan of them.

Thanks everyone for the not smoking support, I'm still at it, day 9 now. I'm like a chimney with the vape but it's better than actual smoking so that will do for now.

I must admit though I've been really down the last couple of days, I've not had the kids this weekend so I've just been pottering around alone which is the worst thing for me. I feel like maybe it was me, maybe I was expecting too much and hoping for a disney fairytale and nobody was ever going to live upto it. But then again some of the stuff surely isn't just me, I've never heard my friends say their partner never helps them out or comes up with dates/trips/gestures. I don't know, I'm just on a bit of a downer because I'm lonely and have been told so much in the last week from him about how it's all me and how nasty/vile I am for saying what I think that it's jumbled my head up. I've kind of gone to a place where anything feels like it is better than nothing. But I'm ignoring it, I'll come out the other side I hope!

[SortingItOut]

For now it will feel lonely when your kids are not with you but soon you will enjoy the peace and quiet and being able to get on with things or go out without considering the kids.

You were never expecting too much, you were taken advantage off by him and he abused you until you were moulded into his life and his way of thinking.

Read this thread again and remember how he made you feel and why you ended things, then speak to your Counsellor about it.

Please do not believe anything he says, he is angry and spiteful because you are not his skivvy anymore.

If you want to have the disney dream for a relationship you can have that, never let anyone tell you otherwise. There are men out there who will trest you with respect, see you on their free time, cook for you when you are at theirs and not let you lift a finger - although thats not a disney dream, its common courtesy.

Your current thoughts and feelings will pass and things will improve, go with the ebbs and flows.

I know you said you're introverted bit hsve you thought any more about hobbies or things you can do when your kids aren't with you?

If you're in East Anglia I'd be happy to meet up for coffee and chat.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

I understand why you chose not to take the role as I'm in the same boat. When you're the sole earner you have to put the families security first, there will be others though, don't worry.

I think the lonely feeling will ease when you have a pet tbh, it's hard but I think you're missing the routine rather than him - does that make sense?

I knew your friends would welcome you back and it's good that you spoke honestly to them. With restrictions easing there will also be a lot more opportunities to get out and meet new people too.

Change is always difficult but this is the start of a whole new amazing chapter for you, and although it doesn't feel like it now you're absolutely killing it!

Hang in there xxx

[bigbaggyeyes]

It doesn't sound like you're very compatible tbh

His mates are immature and single, and I'm not a drug taker so it doesn't appeal to me, however you can't really dictate what he does with his mates, just what you'd consider a deal breaker or not. If drugs are a deal breaker and he's said he won't stop then you have your answer

I'd also stop being a live in cook, cleaner and washer when you're at his. Bugger that! Also stop buying things for his house. If he doesn't have them, then don't buy it.

I can understand his hesitance about moving in with lots of dc, but again, that's his choice. I don't think it's about you control the kids behaviour, 5 kids wikk bring chaos. You either like it or not

Your choice is if you want to continue being with someone like this. He is clearly quite set in his ways, or selfish, it's your choice to continue to stay or not. Personally life is too short to have that many issues with a partner

[bigbaggyeyes]

Sorry op your updates didn't upload initially, I can see you've dumped his arse, well done. And congrats on the smoking and job, onwards and upwards.

I find it very telling that even when he's rung multiple times and had to change a number to talk to you, he still spends his time telling you that you're in the wrong and he's done nothing wrong. Any normal human would look at their behaviour and talk about what they can do to address the issues you've raised, or work with you to compromised but there's nothing with him

[StartingAgain33]

Well done OP, you're doing amazingly! Stick at it and remember, when you're feeling lonely it's not because you're missing him, it's because you're missing someone. But you have YOU there with you. So ask her what she wants to do, treat her well, go see some friends, give yourself a break from relationships for a while. I've started a thread to keep myself on the straight and narrow for six months so I don't date anyone as I really need this myself. Let me know if you want to join and we can egg eachother on. It's going to be hard for me, I'm also a serial relationship person!

[Closetbeanmuncher]

@tct131416 hows everything going?

[Lampzade]

Just tell him that the relationship is no longer working for you
He really couldn’t give a shit about you Op

[Lampzade]

Sorry Op
Didn’t realised you dumped the idiot
Well done

[Closetbeanmuncher]

Oh God I do hope OP hasn't trotted off back to that loser after doing so well.

[tct131416]

Hello

I haven't gone back to him, there's been more toxic conversation since my last update but I've ignored it for a few days solid now and don't feel any desire to have any more of it. I literally feel it drawing the life out of me but have still participated.

I've just completely withdrawn into myself, lost all my get up and go now. I predicted a crash so I'm not too surprised by it but nevertheless I'm really struggling to pick myself up.

I'm supposed to be picking the puppy up in the next few days but I'm even doubting myself about that and wondering whether to back out.

I'm still not smoking though in better news 🤣

[OrchestraOfWankery]

Why are engaging with him still? Are you hoping he'll have an epiphany and suddenly be a decent human being to you?

[tct131416]

I blocked him on all platforms except email as I don't think that's possible. Eventually I engage in conversation and it leads to me explaining in a million different ways what the problem is. I've managed to ignore for a few days though after the last particularly nasty and hurtful episode though and feel quite set in my decision to ignore. I'm even marking days completed on the calendar!

As to why I'm responding, I think it's a mixture of trying to defend myself as he makes out I'm the problem and yes wanting him to suddenly see the light and become everything a good man should be.

[momtoboys]

Every minute you are with this man that clearly doesn't care one fig about you (except to be his maid) you are losing out on time you could actually find a decent man to spend time with.

[Misty9]

@tct131416 I've just read your whole thread and am so pleased you dumped him. For email, the only option is to set up a new address - I had to do this with an ex who stalked me. You can auto divert to the new address and block his I think?

You're doing so well and it's tough when you're alone without the kids, I can relate having been separated for 2.5 yrs now. I know you've been recommended a few books but one I read recently, and found really helpful, was The Unexpected Joy of Being Single by Catherine Gray. It really changed my perspective on being with myself. On a side note, I'm also child free every other week if you're in East anglia and want to get coffee

[Closetbeanmuncher]

I was wondering how you're doing and so glad to hear that you're resolute!

Honestly get the puppy it will bring so much happiness to your life. We got two sphynx cats during the lockdown and it really does give you a focus and good company when you're not feeling great but don't want to go into details 🙂

As to why I'm responding, I think it's a mixture of trying to defend myself as he makes out I'm the problem

Ah I remember getting roped into this with dcs dad. The only way I got a resolution was just to understand that he is and always will be a self serving piece of shit. Afterall why would I care about a piece of shits opinion of me!? I had to force myself to stonewall him and completely blank the antagonistic messages and bingo they stopped.

He's hoping he can get in your head again and convince you you're the problem. Pure prawn dick energy.

He's way to much of an arrogant, toss off/bone-head for any form of self reflection, so that epithany you're hoping for won't happen I'm sorry to say.

[tct131416]

You lot speak so much sense, I don't know why I've not been back on here for a few days because you all give me so much drive 🤗

@Closetbeanmuncher really helpful reply, I'll push ahead with the puppy, I'm so negative and anxiety ridden at the moment that I'm just focusing on what could go wrong rather than what it will bring to our family.

I know the epiphany isn't coming, I'm definitely coming around to that idea but it's really difficult to squash that tiny little voice of hope sometimes.

@Misty9 and @SortingItOut I'm really surprised by your kindness offering to meet up, it's really made me feel less on my own in this. I'm in East Mids so it'd need to be a road trip but to be fair anything that gets me out for a day at the moment is actually the best thing I can do! Misty I'll have a look at that book, thank you for recommending it 😊

[SortingItOut]

@tct131416 Are your reasons for communicating with him more than what you've listed?

I'm wondering if due to your low self-esteem you are engaging with him almost knowing his attitude and it then reinforces to you that you're an awful person and you're the problem and thus validates you as not worthy?

How is the counselling going?

Well done on the no smoking.

When I split from my husband we went round in circles for months with me explaining why I ended the marriage and him apologising or not agreeing with my reasons and asking for a 2nd chance.

In the end I told him that I wasnt engaging with him any longer about our marriage, and if he text about it I'd ignore him and if he brought it up by phone I'd hang up.
He didn't believe I would but after 3 calls ending with me cutting him off he soon got the message.

My husband, like your ex, will never ever agree with your reasons - why would they when they're at fault.
At the end of the day it doesn't matter what he thinks or does, what's important is improving your mental health and the only way to do that is by not engaging.

[tct131416]

@SortingItOut you're probably right, I don't really understand myself at the moment so the reasons I think probably aren't the true ones.

Counselling is going well I think. She said I was being gaslighted which I protested against initially as it just feels like a buzz word for so many relationships nowadays but again that's probably down to my self esteem not fully believing that the relationship failure hasn't all been down to me 'nagging'. I do still have a lot of times when I think it is all my fault and that he'll be really happy with someone else who doesn't ask for all the things I felt were missing, especially if we're in contact as he's always reinforcing my fears.

I don't feel any need to speak to him or respond to any emails so hopefully our last correspondence (in which I actually said this is the last you'll hear from me) really was the last time.

[SortingItOut]

Before you send any emails come on here and tell us and get some advice.

If we all agree you should reply you can but I'm 100% certain we will tell you to ignore him.

Its so hard when you just want to get your point across one more time.

I'm glad counselling is going well, its so hard to hear the truth sometimes but counsellors are generally right.
Of course he will meet someone and be happy when they're his skivvy and giving up all their free time for nothing in return.
Will the woman be happy too? Possibly for a short while but long term she won't.

You were not asking for anything that most people have in secure relationships.

When I split from my husband I was convinced that I was the issue, that I had been the controlling one and the one who caused him to have emotional affairs, if only I was a better wife, slimmer and prettier.
It took many months to realise that I had been in an emotionally abusive marriage for 17 years and everything that went on was deliberately done by him, I wasn't controlling at all, in fact he controlled me and the household so well that it made me think I was controlling.
It was like a lightbulb went off when I realised, I'm 3 years out now and thinking about counselling when my daughter goes to Uni. On the surface I'm a strong, independent woman who has her life together but inside I've got trust issues, I have a heart made of stone and my barriers are so high no one is coming in and I know thats not healthy.

Forgot to mention a meet up in my last post, if you'd like to meet half way I'm up for that and if @Misty9 is free too we could have a mini meet.

[Misty9]

@tct131416 how are you doing today?

@SortingItOut sounds good

[SortingItOut]

@tct131416 How are you getting on?
How are the renovations?
How's the no smoking?