How to walk away when it's not working

[tct131416]

I've been with my DP for about 2 years. He isn't a cheat or abusive but the relationship just isn't working.

We have lots of disagreements, mainly around the things he does and how he shows no consideration to me. Every single thing I raise is just met with eye rolling, comments that I'm always complaining, him talking or shouting over me & as such the issues never go away...they just go round and round with him saying I always complain and me saying it's always the same things because my issues never get addressed.

Few examples, his circle of friends are younger than him (he's in his 40s, they're all at least 10 years younger), childless, into drinking or recreational drug use. One in particular he sees most days and speaks to everyday. I personally don't think his friends are a good influence, they're all in the same group who seems to shag each other and have dramas. I have said I don't want to stop him seeing his friends but can he at least put my mind at rest by saying he won't do coke as I'm really against it. He says he won't promise that as he doesn't want to slip up and get in even more trouble.

In the time we've been together, he's done very little to show me he cares and is looking out for my happiness. He's never arranged a trip away (we've been away a few times, all arranged by me), he never arranges a date night, never cooks me a meal he knows I'd like etc etc. Whereas I'm the opposite, I have my DC half the time and the half of the time I've not got them I stay at his place. I do his washing, cook, clean, food shop, generally make his home nice, play step mum to his DCs. He also has his DC half the time, when he's not got his though, he rarely comes to my home and when he does he makes little effort with my DC and does nothing around my house. It's like he's done me a favour just being there.

DP is very very well off, I have a normal income and just manage each month. I spend a fair amount of my own money on bits and bobs when I stay at his but if I ever find myself short for a month he'll never say can I help you out. Despite us supposed to be having plans to stay together in the long run, he says he can't understand why I think my life choices are his responsibility and sometimes suggests I'm after his money. I'm not, I can only see things from my perspective. .if my partner was struggling in any way I would help them, whether that be financially or otherwise. And I do, he just doesn't seem to value it.

He also says its my fault we can't all live together because I can't control the children properly when they're all together. I do do my best with them but with 5 young DC under one roof, in my opinion it's always going to be a bit of a mad house.

I've waffled on a bit and I know my problems are minor compared to many people on here but I just feel stuck. I was mad about this man, I really thought he was my future and we had such big plans but I feel so dismissed and ignored. He's told me so many times I'm never happy and always hen pecking him that I'm starting to think he's right. But my ExH and I never had this constant on off shit, we just grew apart and called it a day pretty amicably.

My mums watched all this over the last 2 years and her conclusion is that I either need to put up or shut up as it isn't changing. Everytime I decide I need to walk away though I just can't, I ruminate and obsess and overthink and never get past a couple of days before I'm back at his again. So the point of my post is, how do you actually make yourself do it and get through the pain and all the worries that it's the wrong thing etc etc?

[seensome]

Well done for blocking him, he's done you a favour, he can't/won't change who is is. You don't deserve to be shouted and sworn at to try and improve your relationship, stay strong and enjoy the peace and quiet to yourself while you heal.
You will find someone better.

[Hopingforabagofbuttons]

Sorry I stopped reading when he said he wouldn’t promise not to do coke as he didn’t want to slip up and get into any more trouble. The rest is just white noise. I have zero tolerance for people doing drugs around me or my DC
Your title is How to walk away . I’d say fucking quick as you can

[Closetbeanmuncher]

So I've gone for it, blocked on every platform. No idea how I'm going to keep the momentum up as I feel like I have no willpower

Focus on what you really want and need from life and be honest with yourself that this man cannot provide it. You need to be resolute in this pattern of thought - logic over emotion.

Throw yourself into the house renovations, and planning your career change. Maybe meet with your friends, they'll welcome you back I promise you!

You CAN thrive and you WILL thrive without the deadweight.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

I also have no idea why you received a picture of a packet of dreamies that my cat ripped open but the other one is for you op😂

[tct131416]

@SortingItOut

As horrible as that conversation was at least he has made it clear that he doesn't want or can't change.
He's not even saying he will attempt to change.
This is how little he cared and respected you.

You are worth so much more.

He is annoyed as he thought you knew your place and now you've started complaining, that is why he is blaming you because you were supposed to just put up with him.

I'm glad you've booked counselling, I hope it goes well.

I know you find it hard to stick to the blocking but keep posting on here when you're tempted.

I know you've had loads of replies but hopefully you have considered the questions I asked so you can start filling your time when you don't have your kids.

Your posts have been so helpful and I really appreciate you taking time out of your day to write them - I don't feel like I should be taking up other people's time with my own stupid mistakes.

[tct131416]

@Closetbeanmuncher

So I've gone for it, blocked on every platform. No idea how I'm going to keep the momentum up as I feel like I have no willpower

Focus on what you really want and need from life and be honest with yourself that this man cannot provide it. You need to be resolute in this pattern of thought - logic over emotion.

Throw yourself into the house renovations, and planning your career change. Maybe meet with your friends, they'll welcome you back I promise you!

You CAN thrive and you WILL thrive without the deadweight.

One of your attachments made me feel empowered and the other one made me laugh out loud

I am going to try my very best to persevere.

I have also blocked withheld numbers as he'd have tried to contact me that way. I have an android phone so unfortunately I can see in my call history when he's tried to phone as it blocks the call but shows it as a blocked call in my call list if that makes sense (3 times today) so that doesn't help as I feel guilty and like a horrific person. I'd find it absolutely awful if he did the same to me, I don't want to make anyone feel like I would feel although I'm sure it isn't the same.

[tct131416]

Thank you to everyone who has replied, you really are pretty much the only thing I have to keep me motivated at the moment.

I have arranged to meet with my 2 close friends next week. I don't know whether to tell all or to keep quiet as I'm sure they think I'm just that friend who shows up when not in a relationship.

I had my first session with the therapist. It felt incredibly self indulgent and like I was moaning about all my third world problems but hopefully I'll get used to talking.

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

This is not a partner. FFS. He's a shit boyfriend. Why is your bar so low you skivvy for this man and give him money (via paying for things for him and his kids) on top of that?

You can't walk away? C'mon, you're an adult. You left another relationship and you had kids with the man, but you can't leave this douchebag?

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

Sorry, didn't read the thread. He's a wanker. Keep him gone.

[billy1966]

@category12

And pardon me but what the fuck are you doing, doing his housework and laundry when you don't even live together properly?

I mean, ffs, it's shit when the woman ends up doing most of the housework when you're married and have kids together, but jesus h christ, what are you doing skivvying for the guy?

Word for word this.

Have some respect OP.

Really.
Please.

[SortingItOut]

You are doing great @tct131416

I'm so pleased you've contacted some friends and are meeting them, I would go there not expecting to offload my problems but if they ask you can say it didn't work out and keep it brief unless they really want to know.

I'm pleased the counselling went well, it does feel self indulgent but remember this is for your health, you wouldn't say that going to a doctor is self indulgent.
Please dont dismiss your problems, everyone has problems, they may choose to deal with them differently.
Remember everyone has a bucketful of problems but some peoples buckets are harder, bigger, deeper than others and some are softer and shallower.

Your problems are perfectly valid.

Also please do not say the stupid mistakes are your own fault, yes you made decisions but these decisions were based on your past and the things you've experienced, now you realise the decisions you made could be different and you're taking this on board and getting help.

[category12]

I want to apologise for how harsh I was early in the thread.

I think you feeling like it's self-indulgent to have the counselling is part of your low self-esteem and negative self-talk - you feel like your problems aren't serious enough, your emotional distress isn't bad enough - but that's not true, you deserve help and you deserve good things, and it's a step towards learning/relearning that.

[BuffySummersReportingforSanity]

@Closetbeanmuncher

I also have no idea why you received a picture of a packet of dreamies that my cat ripped open but the other one is for you op😂

I was wondering if that was some kind of super deep metaphor about living off Titbits of Love.

[ravenmum]

Remember it's the counsellor's job to listen to your problems - that's how she has chosen to earn a living. If she doesn't want to listen to people's problems she's in the wrong job ... but more likely she'll like digging in deep and getting into the details so that she can offer you some helpful advice and go home feeling she's achieved something.

[updownroundandround]

@tct131416

Now is the time to think to yourself, ''I've done it ! This new month will be the beginning of the 'new' me !''

Keep your phone blocked.

Make plans to get your house renovations moving forwards. Think about where the money you're now able to spend on your DC and your home would've been wasted pandering to that prick !

But you are free ! Definitely make plans to go out with friends, old and new. Make sure all your 'child free' time is booked up !

Do not answer the door if you think it's him. Ignore any and all attempts from him to contact you, because he only wants his Nanny/Housekeeper/Chef back NOT you !!

Tell him to go fuck himself ! You are your own woman now !

[Closetbeanmuncher]

One of my cats is a dreamies fiend and decided to have a cheeky afternoon feast upstairs but the picture was supposed to go to my sister 😂😂
I'm happy you found the other one helpful.

It's great that you've decided to reconnect with friends I would leave telling them for now and focus on just strengthening the friendships.

Well done with being so proactive with counseling and please don't feel bad there's nothing self indulgent about establishing healthy thought patterns and learning not to people please. It will serve you well in every aspect of life.

The problem with being a giving person is that unfortunately some people will abuse it. The key (imo) is not trying to change your core character but learning where to draw the line when people are overstepping your boundaries or the giving is to your detriment.

There is absolutely no reason for you to feel bad about blocking him. He doesn't respect you enough to listen to your concerns without shouting and blame shifting so he can fucking stick it.

Long term it wouldn't have worked out because he will not accept responsibility for his shitty behaviour or even have the decency to listen to what you have to say. I've been there, and believe me 10 years on from ending the relationship his attitude is still exactly the same! The only reason there's even contact is due to being dcs father.

You're financially independant, have your own home and are a good mother to your babies...You don't need that salty prick or his poisonous mouth in your life.

You got this!

[SortingItOut]

@tct131416 I hope you are doing ok after your counselling.

[tct131416]

@SortingItOut thank you

@category12 you don't need to apologise, harsh yes but also constructive. I appreciate you even replying

@Closetbeanmuncher I agree about not offloading on my friends just yet. They'll obviously ask how things are going so I'll have to just say it hasn't worked out like someone suggested.
Before I met him I was so proud that I'd managed to buy my house alone despite only working PT in a average paid role. Ever since I've been with him I've not felt proud at all, I've not felt like a good mum because of his opinions on my parenting. I hope all that comes back.

So I have made it 24 hours of blocking. Small victories and all that! He called me 6 times yesterday and left a VM (there's no way - as far as I am aware - to stop him being able to leave a VM if he rings from a withheld number). I feel awful but I'm sure he's not feeling anything like I would if the tables were turned, I'm just imagining how I would feel.

[tct131416]

@SortingItOut sorry, I didn't see your message from today before I sent the above. I'm doing ok, I'm guessing I'll crash when my DCs go to their dads for the weekend tomorrow but hopefully not!

[category12]

Well done on no contact so far.

Before I met him I was so proud that I'd managed to buy my house alone despite only working PT in a average paid role. Ever since I've been with him I've not felt proud at all, I've not felt like a good mum because of his opinions on my parenting

Ah, bastard, he really did a number on you. You bought your own house! That's fantastic and I'm sure you're a great mum.

What can you plan for the weekend, so you're busy and content? Anywhere you like to go, spot of redecorating, film you want to see, boxset you want to binge, any craft project or hobby you want to give a go?

[tct131416]

Just to update, he's still fully blocked. However, I answered a call from a number I didn't know yesterday and it was him. The gist of it was him asking if I wanted him to come up tonight (last night) and try to sort it out, he's sorry for telling met to f off and I'm really immature blocking him and should unblock. I barely spoke except when he said about coming up tonight and I asked what has changed. His response was nothing, you just need to criticise less and understand I'm a busy person. I said I needed to get off the call fast anyway and I haven't heard from him since.

I'm working today then loads of housework to do so today should be covered. Tomorrow I've got a nail appt in the morning then I'm going with my mum to order my new kitchen (this would have been the highlight of my year once upon a time but feeling very blah about it). Sunday night I get the kids back to hopefully the weekend won't be as bad as it is in my head.

[ThePontiacBandit]

Well done for staying strong. Speaks volumes that he’s not even contrite and still blaming it all on you! I’d ignore unknown numbers…if he persists, it’s worth considering changing your number so you’re free from him, peace of mind. Enjoy your weekend.

[Milliepossum]

Well done blocking him OP. I just wanted to mention that when there’s a problem and they later act like nothing happened it can be a form of gaslighting, making you think you’re being unreasonable, even though their initial behaviour is the problem. You’ve been through a lot of emotional abuse, don’t let him discuss anything with you and keep the therapy sessions going. You are amazing - buying and renovating a house on your own while working and raising children, he does none of those things and just indulges himself, you are well rid of him. 🌸

[ThePlantsitter]

Just read the thread OP and wanted to say well done - keep at it - it will be painful now but you are trading a short period of possibly intense pain for a long long long time of pain you don't even realise was awful until it stops. Brave and brilliant woman 💪

[Closetbeanmuncher]

I asked what has changed. His response was nothing, you just need to criticise less and understand I'm a busy person

Yeah this imbacile is never going to get it is he? 🙄

Tbh it's better that you got that out of the way. It's just up to you not to buckle and go running back now for more of the same old shit.

I'm not surprised you feel deflated, he's really knocked the stuffing out of you hasn't he?

I promise you if you stick it out after a while it will feel like a weights been lifted.
The real deal would never dream of treating you that way - you'll look back at the relationship and think you'd gone temporarily insane to put up with it!

Remember one day you'll be someone's everything. Onwards and upwards 🌈