How to walk away when it's not working

[tct131416]

I've been with my DP for about 2 years. He isn't a cheat or abusive but the relationship just isn't working.

We have lots of disagreements, mainly around the things he does and how he shows no consideration to me. Every single thing I raise is just met with eye rolling, comments that I'm always complaining, him talking or shouting over me & as such the issues never go away...they just go round and round with him saying I always complain and me saying it's always the same things because my issues never get addressed.

Few examples, his circle of friends are younger than him (he's in his 40s, they're all at least 10 years younger), childless, into drinking or recreational drug use. One in particular he sees most days and speaks to everyday. I personally don't think his friends are a good influence, they're all in the same group who seems to shag each other and have dramas. I have said I don't want to stop him seeing his friends but can he at least put my mind at rest by saying he won't do coke as I'm really against it. He says he won't promise that as he doesn't want to slip up and get in even more trouble.

In the time we've been together, he's done very little to show me he cares and is looking out for my happiness. He's never arranged a trip away (we've been away a few times, all arranged by me), he never arranges a date night, never cooks me a meal he knows I'd like etc etc. Whereas I'm the opposite, I have my DC half the time and the half of the time I've not got them I stay at his place. I do his washing, cook, clean, food shop, generally make his home nice, play step mum to his DCs. He also has his DC half the time, when he's not got his though, he rarely comes to my home and when he does he makes little effort with my DC and does nothing around my house. It's like he's done me a favour just being there.

DP is very very well off, I have a normal income and just manage each month. I spend a fair amount of my own money on bits and bobs when I stay at his but if I ever find myself short for a month he'll never say can I help you out. Despite us supposed to be having plans to stay together in the long run, he says he can't understand why I think my life choices are his responsibility and sometimes suggests I'm after his money. I'm not, I can only see things from my perspective. .if my partner was struggling in any way I would help them, whether that be financially or otherwise. And I do, he just doesn't seem to value it.

He also says its my fault we can't all live together because I can't control the children properly when they're all together. I do do my best with them but with 5 young DC under one roof, in my opinion it's always going to be a bit of a mad house.

I've waffled on a bit and I know my problems are minor compared to many people on here but I just feel stuck. I was mad about this man, I really thought he was my future and we had such big plans but I feel so dismissed and ignored. He's told me so many times I'm never happy and always hen pecking him that I'm starting to think he's right. But my ExH and I never had this constant on off shit, we just grew apart and called it a day pretty amicably.

My mums watched all this over the last 2 years and her conclusion is that I either need to put up or shut up as it isn't changing. Everytime I decide I need to walk away though I just can't, I ruminate and obsess and overthink and never get past a couple of days before I'm back at his again. So the point of my post is, how do you actually make yourself do it and get through the pain and all the worries that it's the wrong thing etc etc?

He wants maximum output for minimum input. He wants you to stop 'nagging' ie stop telling him that you're unhappy and have needs. He wants you to run around after him, keep his place nice while he does coke and acts the twat with his mates.

He basically lies there while you scrub his back and service his, no doubt, very average penis. He has no respect for you and no wonder because you don't demand any.

Please take full heed of what has been written here, particularly the posts made by sortingout.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?.

What happened to you so that you've ended up going from one relationship to another your whole adult life?. How did you arrive at this point?. You need to unlearn all the crap you've picked up about relationships along the way through therapy; as an adult I do not think you have any idea who you are or what you want from life because you've been too busy bending over backwards in a futile attempt to accommodate these emotionally unavailable men (your own father was perhaps the same too).

I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

I want to think it's going to get better

Of course you do. You think that if you just wait a little longer, if you just do this, if you just do that, it will all be better and you'll be happy. It's good to have dreams, but you need to now look at the evidence to see if there's anything substantial that proves those dreams will come true.....and at the moment, there's nothing.

In response to this bit : how do you actually make yourself do it and get through the pain and all the worries that it's the wrong thing etc etc?

I try to think about what I really want or need, and then I tell myself honestly if my partner can repsond to that. In my worst situation, I was the stupid OW, completely hung up on a married man who clearly didn't really care about either woman in his life, but I just "couldn't" break it off and walk away.

I had to make a real mental effort to STOP any "what if" thinking, or any "but if x wasn't going on then y would be ok" excuses. Literally STOP myself thinking, and refocus on "I want a partner who is emotionally available to me and who is willing to commit to a long term, monogamous relationship". Honestly, a married cheat is NOT this person and by forcing myself to recognise that and face it, I was (eventually) able to cut the BS and cut all ties.

Writing it down helps. Having distractions also helps (film, walk, call a GF). Put your phone away somewhere and go and do anything else until the feeling passes.

In your case specifically, you might tell yourself "I want a partner who meets me halfway in terms of effort and engagement with all of our kids, and I need a partner who listens to what I say respectfully and acts appropriately". I think you already know that he cannot meet this criteria and the short-term break up would be far prefereable to the next decade of feeling unheard and belittled.

You think you’re in a partnership.

He thinks he has a maid & nanny who also services him sexually.

He’s “sorry you felt...”

So he’s not sorry at all.

He's just called me, I missed it then gave myself a bit of time to get together for 'the conversation ', following our texts this morning it was only a matter of time I thought.

However, he was just like how's your day, have you got any news, usual stuff, then said OK well I was just ringing to touch base, speak later. Just a completely normal conversation

What is that about?!

I've made enquiries with several therapists this afternoon, I'll just have to find the cash.

To answer one of the questions, I had an absent father from age 4, he went to start a new family after an affair and I infrequently saw him until I was a young teenager. We don't speak anymore, he's also rich and let my mum live on the breadline with all 4 of her children by doing everything he could to get out of paying child maintenance. I don't like him, safe to say I'm not a big fan

@tct131416

I've made enquiries with several therapists this afternoon, I'll just have to find the cash.

To answer one of the questions, I had an absent father from age 4, he went to start a new family after an affair and I infrequently saw him until I was a young teenager. We don't speak anymore, he's also rich and let my mum live on the breadline with all 4 of her children by doing everything he could to get out of paying child maintenance. I don't like him, safe to say I'm not a big fan

This makes sense as perhaps you've grown up seeing a mum do absolutely everything and so a man who is present seems like he's a decent dad when actually he's shit and lazy - as you're comparing him to your own experience of a father which was an absent one? Maybe something in that worth exploring with your counsellor.

A bit like how after an abusive relationship with a 10/10 wanker we often have relationships with 7/10 wankers because by comparison they seem ok - when actually the bar should be a 0/10 wanker!

You sound lovely but unable to assert yourself - for example you had a conversation planned and gave yourself time to prep (which was brilliant) but then when he steered the conversation you allowed him to do so rather than speaking up - and I would echo that if you add up what you spend on him / catering to him and his kids etc it would be a decent chunk towards it!

Some confidence building would be life changing for you.

He sounds like a narc!
My ex would do that. Ignore what had happened and try talk to me as cool as a cucumber. Didn't want to discuss the stuff I wanted to talk about. It was an emotionally abusive relationship!

He did alot of things in it one thing be made clear was, my feelings were an inconvenience. He on the other hand could moan about work. Moan about people. Be mardy and miserable for no reason. Be up and down. But the minute I dared to say I was feeling a certain way I was kiss negative.

They don't want to change. They are happy as they are. In my case I was shut down because he was not gunna commit to me properly. Sure he said he wanted to when he was positive or wanting to talk about sex. But any other time I was just creating scenarios according to him.

Glad you are looking into therapy. Long term he would not make you happy.

Try get some self esteem back. Remind yourself that you have control. You really do. You have all the cards right now. You have all the power to say nah. I don't like what you are offering. Tell him in a confident way.

Sorry Neil. Im not happy in this situation anymore. I want to find someone to share my life with who can offer me the things I need. You don't want to meet me halfway and that's your choice. Wishing you all the best. Please don't contact me I need to be alone now. Thank you.

I really think you need to make more of a conscious effort with your friends. You're not getting much out of the friendships because you're not putting anything into them.

You need to have a break from men and establish yourself as a person in your own right as you're boundaries and self belief aren't great at all.

I'm just going to tell you straight OP this man doesn't love or respect you enough to make any effort or even let you express your concerns.

You said you want a career, focus on going for this and for fuck sake stop doing his chores for him. I also wouldn't be going round while his kids are there; you're not a fucking nanny OR unpaid cleaner OP, respect yourself ffs.

Please just stick to the above and attend counselling and the rest will reveal itself. When it does you have to be willing to listen though and bury it once and for all!

However, he was just like how's your day, have you got any news, usual stuff, then said OK well I was just ringing to touch base, speak later. Just a completely normal conversation confused

What is that about?!

It's to pretend nothing is happening and pedal back what you've said. It's a way of keeping the status quo - ignore the problems and issues you've brought up and expect that inertia & fear of change will keep you with him or bring you back, without any change or problem admitted.

It's worked for him before, hasn't it, I bet? Just act like everything's normal, and expect you to fall back into line.

I'm not a good friend really, I'm not consistent with keeping in contact, I forget their birthdays and their kids birthdays. I think it's got to the point where if I contact my remaining close friends they think I am just using them because something else has gone wrong in my life.

Practically, you can turn this round by setting calendar appointments or setting up funkypigeon or something like that, with your friend's birthdates and it will send you notifications. You can also set yourself appointments to email/contact your friends and just check in with them, ask them how they're doing, tell them something you think they'd find interesting or something - say, you heard a song on the radio that reminds you a fun time you had with them or something like that.

I do think the way you're talking about this probably comes from low self-esteem and some awful self-talk you've got going on and probably isn't at all how your friends see you.

I hope you do start some counselling or therapy as you seem to have such a low opinion of yourself. I would look to find the money for it, as really it is a priority, and would benefit your family unit as well as yourself, as the stronger and happier you are, the better for everyone.

And well done on the DIY, you should be proud of yourself.

If you think being treated like this is worth it because he has big hands a nice voice and is rich though I really don't know what to tell you.

Whatever you take from this thread for fuck sake please stop acting like a sniveling skivvy because it doesn't suit you one bit.

Persue your career and build your self esteem and leave the lazy cunt to wash his own skids and look after his own offspring.

I honestly despair when I see women accepting this as their lot. You can do better.

Thank you all for your advice and for opening my eyes up to the reality of my 'relationship'.

I had one last ditch attempt at explaining what I need and what I feel I'm not getting from him last night, it didn't lead anywhere except me getting shouted down/at. I've spoken to him this morning and he just reiterated it's all my fault, that he does nothing wrong, that if I didn't whinge so much he probably would do all those things. The phone conversation ended up in him telling me to fuck off.

So I've gone for it, blocked on every platform. No idea how I'm going to keep the momentum up as I feel like I have no willpower and he's convinced me I'm the problem but I can only try.

I have a Zoom counselling session booked in for 1pm today, hopefully that's my road to recovery.

You’ve stood op for yourself. Well done. Also well done on arranging the counselling, I’m sure it will be a good thing benefitting you.

He’s using you as a maid, and he’s rude to his maid. Run. Away.

Oh well done, just read your last post! Good for you.

I just rtft and you sound awesome. I hope the counselling sessions goes well. If you can knock down brick walls you can totally build a happy life without his lazy arse leaching your energy & money away. I’m sorry about your horrible dad.

I spent too long doubting myself, thinking stuff might improve, giving it more time.

I really regret not just walking because in my heart I knew it was a rubbish relationship.

I had one last ditch attempt at explaining what I need and what I feel I'm not getting from him
In a way, I can kind of understand his response, as he is simply not giving you anything you need, and is probably incapable of doing so. So you're basically asking him to be someone else.
That is, there's no need to explain what you need or why you are not interested in him. Just telling him that you are not interested is enough.

Don't see him as your last chance to find someone decent, as he wasn't decent, and has actually got in the way of your finding someone who is!

As horrible as that conversation was at least he has made it clear that he doesn't want or can't change.
He's not even saying he will attempt to change.
This is how little he cared and respected you.

You are worth so much more.

He is annoyed as he thought you knew your place and now you've started complaining, that is why he is blaming you because you were supposed to just put up with him.

I'm glad you've booked counselling, I hope it goes well.

I know you find it hard to stick to the blocking but keep posting on here when you're tempted.

I know you've had loads of replies but hopefully you have considered the questions I asked so you can start filling your time when you don't have your kids.

Well done op!

You can do this.

Lots of self care and being gentle with yourself, and get yourself lots of "not going back" strategies planned out.

In a few months, you won't recognise yourself (in good ways!)

Well done OP! I’ve read the full thread. So glad you’ve kicked him to the curb. Hope the counselling helps. I would suggest looking into groups doing something you have an interest in. Groups are opening up but lots still on Zoom etc which kind of makes it easier to start with I think. I joined a ladies’ gym recently which I love, really supportive environment and making me feel better physically and mentally. I was going to say you’ll never find hobbies for yourself while you’re with him, doing all his housework!

There will definitely come a time when you’ll look back and realise he was vile. Congratulations on your freedom and standing up for yourself!