I am a newbie and this is my first post. I've browsed Mumsnet over the years but never had the courage to post until now.
My DH (9 years as a couple) wakes in the middle of the night to masturbate. We have a super king bed and a doggo that sleeps down the bottom. We're both bigger but I'm very plus size (size 26/28) and am very insecure about my image. I wear oversized clothes and he's never seen me naked in the light!
Last week I woke to turn over and I saw that he had positioned his side of the duvet so I could see his body or his phone but managed to catch the phone light going off quickly and his hand holding the phone move behind the covers. I struggled to nod off as I saw he was hiding. He had put the fan on to cover the noise of him masturbating. I didn't know what to do so I tried to sleep but had so much anxiety in my chest and stomach that I could drift off. It took 40 mins for it to end.
We don't have a sex life. At the start of our relationship (I was a lot smaller back then) I was the one instigating sex. But he turned me down one too many times and I just lost it. I've held that grudge ever since and since then, we've only had sex while ovulating to conceive our son and if I pull his arms across the bed to touch me. He never instigates it. EVER. I know he masturbates and I know he wants to have an intimate relationship but he doesn't do more than smacks my bum during the day (once a blue moon) or cuddles me in bed here and there.
We've had the "we need a better physical relationship" talk countless times but it lasts a week maybe two and then is non-existent all over again.
I'm desperate to have this relationship with him but after playing the "let's see how long it takes for him to start anything" game too many times I just don't have the courage.
I've been stressing and a bit angry that I was woken to that last week.
Now I'm going to admit that I am a hypocrite because I masturbate to de stress which maybe once a month and it will be just after he's fallen asleep. No porn on my phone or anything. I just lay there eyes closed and it takes a few minutes.
Writing this all down makes me feel so sad for my relationship and my life. I want a loving and affectionate relationship with my partner but I fear my stubbornness and his disinterest in me has gone on too long.
The funny (?) thing is that we've just booked a small surprise wedding next year. So we are fully committed to each other and I have ZERO doubt that he is a cheater.
I guess what I am asking by posting this is what should I do? Why has his masturbating made me feel so emotional?
Apologise for the long post and thank you to anyone who replies.