Husband masturbating next to me while he thinks I'm asleep

[Girl189]

I am a newbie and this is my first post. I've browsed Mumsnet over the years but never had the courage to post until now.

My DH (9 years as a couple) wakes in the middle of the night to masturbate. We have a super king bed and a doggo that sleeps down the bottom. We're both bigger but I'm very plus size (size 26/28) and am very insecure about my image. I wear oversized clothes and he's never seen me naked in the light!

Last week I woke to turn over and I saw that he had positioned his side of the duvet so I could see his body or his phone but managed to catch the phone light going off quickly and his hand holding the phone move behind the covers. I struggled to nod off as I saw he was hiding. He had put the fan on to cover the noise of him masturbating. I didn't know what to do so I tried to sleep but had so much anxiety in my chest and stomach that I could drift off. It took 40 mins for it to end.

We don't have a sex life. At the start of our relationship (I was a lot smaller back then) I was the one instigating sex. But he turned me down one too many times and I just lost it. I've held that grudge ever since and since then, we've only had sex while ovulating to conceive our son and if I pull his arms across the bed to touch me. He never instigates it. EVER. I know he masturbates and I know he wants to have an intimate relationship but he doesn't do more than smacks my bum during the day (once a blue moon) or cuddles me in bed here and there.

We've had the "we need a better physical relationship" talk countless times but it lasts a week maybe two and then is non-existent all over again.

I'm desperate to have this relationship with him but after playing the "let's see how long it takes for him to start anything" game too many times I just don't have the courage.

I've been stressing and a bit angry that I was woken to that last week.

Now I'm going to admit that I am a hypocrite because I masturbate to de stress which maybe once a month and it will be just after he's fallen asleep. No porn on my phone or anything. I just lay there eyes closed and it takes a few minutes.

Writing this all down makes me feel so sad for my relationship and my life. I want a loving and affectionate relationship with my partner but I fear my stubbornness and his disinterest in me has gone on too long.

The funny (?) thing is that we've just booked a small surprise wedding next year. So we are fully committed to each other and I have ZERO doubt that he is a cheater.

I guess what I am asking by posting this is what should I do? Why has his masturbating made me feel so emotional?

Apologise for the long post and thank you to anyone who replies.

How can you marry in such circumstances?
He not being a cheater does not make up for the fact there are vast chasms in your relationship already.

How is marriage going to solve this, the short answer is it will not. You and he will just be unhappily married.

For one reason or another, you have both decided to continue this relationship and even have a child together where the sexual aspect of it is totally dead. Maybe it's because you loved him that you chose to ignore this and pressed on.

He's not good at communicating, he's so laid back. So when I start to talk (which turns into venting) it's all one sided.Then he goes quiet and nothing more is said because we both work and have our son and pets etc etc. I don't know what I'm trying to achieve by posting but your comments and questions are exactly what I need to make me face the music and put things into perspective

It's possible he just gets overwhelmed and shuts down, however, he needs to be mature and find a way around that. It's not fair that you are communicating and you're just not getting a response....however, if you want a response from him, you need to prepare yourself that it might not be a response that you'll like. It may be that he's not attracted to you anymore and doesn't want to tell you because he feels bad or guilty about feeling that way. It could even be that he doesn't actually mind the loss of a sex life that much - he has his hand for release if he needs it.

I'm glad that you are thinking of becoming healthier and losing weight. Your joints will absolutely thank you for it. I also hope that you are looking into the cause of your eating habits - be it sadness, boredom or comfort seeking.

It seems to me that your lack of sex-life probably actaully has very little to do with your size.

You were smaller when you met and it was still always you initiating (and being rejected). You lost confidence and stopped initiating and only had sex to ttc.

Basically he's not that interested in sex and that will never get better. You think it's about you, but it's not. It's about him.

Hope you don't mind a man commenting in this but I would certainly not get married until you have sorted out your sex life. A successful LTR is usually based partly on sexual compatibility, if you don't have that at the beginning you are not getting off to a good start.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

I'd say " Next time you need a wank, can you do it in the bathroom please as it woke me up last night?" Don't be accusatory.

Why should he be banished from his bed to masturbate in the bathroom?

Please don't get married, you'll only make it harder for when you split up

Stop overthinking. Get yourself running gear and focus on loosing weight snd eating well.

What are you hoping to achieve here?

You wank once a month but he isn't allowed to?

Life is too short for this. If you want a sex life with this man, work at it. Seek professional help.

If you don't, leave.

I could not live as you are, personally. No intimacy would be a deal breaker

Instead of these furtive wanking sessions for both of you, why don't you both lose a lot of weight and try having sex with each other?

Who knows? If you're both slimmer and more attractive - and, to be honest, actually physically able to have full sex with each other - you might both be reminded why you're in a relationship together.

By the way, I love the fact that almost everyone on this thread is avoiding what the real problem is here.

Maybe you should all try addressing the real elephant in the room, which is that both people in this relationship are overweight, one possibly morbidly obese, and fat people aren't attractive, have diminished sexual desire and - to put it bluntly - find it difficult to engage in the physical aspects of a relationship. Hence the solo stuff. Address the weight issue and then see what happens.

And before I get lots of posters (a) having a go at me for 'fat-shaming' or (b) giving it the 'I weight thirty stone and I'm perfectly fit and my partner and I have a brilliant sex life', I'm addressing the specifics of the relationship outlined in the original post.

Since we've been together nothing gets done outside of evening time in bed. When we were young and had our first flat/ house etc. It's been very vanilla. But not because I made it like that. I was a bit more confident back then and he wouldn't try anything before we were in bed. My previous relationships have been quite adventurous.
You just don't sound compatible OP ... and have maybe just grown out of this relationship. If you were "young" when you got together and have been together 9 years, it sounds to me a lot like you are still pretty young? Too young to be talking about the olden days in which you used to sleep with your husband, certainly.

Take your dog on some lovely long walks/runs in the fresh air and use the time to reflect.

@Geanna2

So you masturbate when you think he's asleep. But it's not ok for him to masturbate when he thinks you're asleep??

The OP wants a relationship with him, it's him that resists.

@Crepescular Are you reading a different thread to me?

Have you ever had a healthy sex life together?

[quote ravenmum]@Crepescular Are you reading a different thread to me?[/quote]
No.

Are you wilfully ignoring the obvious because you want to 'be kind'?

What is the point in marrying someone who doesn't want to have sex with you? Things aren't going to suddenly, magically get better.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

I'd say " Next time you need a wank, can you do it in the bathroom please as it woke me up last night?" Don't be accusatory.

Rather than the above, why don’t you give him a ‘hand’ instead, as the moment you seem to be in a sexless relationship and heading into a sexless marriage, one of you will have to be willing to do something to initiate some kind of sexual activity / interest or your going to be heading into a pretty dull marriage, and just take a read of some of the threads from people in long term sexless relationship/ marriage

Oh, and if you don't want to lose weight, why not kick the fucking dog out of the bed?

I mean, there's nothing more likely to encourage sexy times with your partner than dog slobber, dog hairs and shitty hound-butt all over the sheets, is there?

@youvegottenminuteslynn

The funny (?) thing is that we've just booked a small surprise wedding next year. So we are fully committed to each other and I have ZERO doubt that he is a cheater.

Your relationship is not healthy though, so a marriage seems a strange thing to do.

One party being a cheater isn't the only reason 'enough' to be worth breaking up over. Being unhappy, being incompatible and being unable to communicate healthily are all huge issues and it sounds like you've spoken about all those things before and it hasn't resolved things.

A marriage doesn't sound wise here.

Have to agree with this.

It's your one and only life. Why spend it like this?

The question for me is why he turned down sex when he did? The fact you held a grudge and then started playing games to test him is really unhealthy though. You need to communicate. It's all down to that question though - why did he turn down sex with you? It sounds like you've assumed that it's because of your weight but have you actually asked him? Do you know it's that? The masturbation has just brought things to a head - but you said it took him a long time - maybe he didn't want sex because of his own issues, struggling to orgasm for example. Stop assuming he's disinterested in you - you might just be projecting because of how you feel about yourself.

I think there are two things that desperately need to change in this relationship - you both need to work on communicating and you both need to work on your weight and getting healthy. Couples counselling is a great idea but please, please work on your communication before you get married.

@CrepescularSeveral people have mentioned OP's weight on this thread (you're not the only person to notice it as suggested). And you've missed some important "specifics", i.e. that the situation was the same before OP put on the weight.
Glad to hear that I sound "kind", though!

It's a lot to take in and process when I'm already in a low and vulnerable position. But I do appreciate the comments and suggestions. We had a long talk last night and both want to change for the better.

He told me that his confidence isn't great either and needs help to learn to initiate things. We've downloaded an app to schedule dates, that also suggests things to do, and intimacy questionnaires (non-sexual and sexual) to get us going with a bit of communication. We downloaded "Spicer" where we both answered questions about sex and what we like/don't like. It shows your partner the matches where you've both said yes or maybe so we have things to try and things to talk about. We have planned a date for tomorrow.

Once I have my first counselling session in a couple of weeks I will talk to her about couples therapy to keep the ball rolling with what we've put in place too.

I'd like to say again that we are both putting in effort to lose weight and be more healthy as he goes running and I'm doing an exercise programme (BODY FX). We're also doing slimming world / Pinch of Nom style cooking and eating plans.

A few have noted that we had issues before the weight gain, which is true, so our issues have not purely resulted in being overweight. But I agree it doesn't help things get any better.

My weight gain started when I had my gallbladder removed 6 years ago due to a small stone blocking the liver. I am also seeing a doctor about PCOS as I have a lot of the symptoms.

I fully opened up to him about my insecurities and he reassured me and wants to support me in getting to where I want to be. He specifically said he likes my butt the way it is 🤣 but I don't so he will support me to get better physically and mentally.

Im not expecting anything to change overnight but I can see that both our attitudes have altered. I've said that we've gone around these conversations previously but always slump back to how we were after a few weeks so I specifically asked for him to be proactive about this and not let it all fall on my shoulders. We agreed we both need to put the effort in and continue to put the effort in for more than a few weeks.

Again, thanks all for your comments and taking the time to help me out. I'm hopeful that we could be happy with all aspects of our relationship if we stick to the plan and keep developing it.

@Girl189
Good luck, hope everything works out for you.

Hope you can manage to support one another too, but it's always worth getting in outside help on top of that if anything's available.