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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating someone who had an affair when he was married

105 replies

Gottahavefaith86 · 27/06/2021 15:29

Hello MN
Haven't posted on here for a very long time.
Single for years! Quite a lot of online dating along the way but have never met anyone great.
'Final' online date 3 weeks ago as was about to give up hope. Had low expectations and met this guy who I quickly thought was pretty amazing. Chemistry, generous, funny etc etc. Separated from his wife last year.
Told me in the first hour of the date that he had an affair for 6 months last year - relationship not great for years - then they ended things & his wife has since met someone else.
They both live at the family home (him half there half with a friend) for the sake of the kids/childcare. Randomly a friend knows them (found out last week) & knows that all the above is true.
Even though he told me about the affair on date 1, I didn't leave, I did ask a few questions & I have seen him twice since. I feel really attracted to him & we are texting loads/chatting/planning to meet again next week.
MN, is this a stupid move? If he's had an affair before, will this inevitably happen again if things move forward?
The fact he was upfront surprised me.
I've never cheated & struggle to understand how someone can.
It's the only thing I'm uncomfortable with.
Big red flag? See how it goes?
I'm completely in two minds.
Any insight/advice/guidance welcome 🙏🏽

OP posts:
Geanna2 · 27/06/2021 15:35

He's telling you he is capable of cheating, not just on his ex...

PotteringAlong · 27/06/2021 15:36

It would be a no from me.

HotPenguin · 27/06/2021 15:36

I would be concerned about the fact he is still living with his ex. Do his children think they are still together?

Potplant · 27/06/2021 15:38

Having been the wife in this scenario it would be a hard pass from me.

IanHBuckells · 27/06/2021 15:39

It would be a no for me- too recent, still in the family home...

aSofaNearYou · 27/06/2021 15:40

I don't think cheating means he will automatically do it again, at all, only you can judge the situation and his attitude around it.

However I agree with PP, his living set up with his ex would put me off dating him.

MadMadMadamMim · 27/06/2021 15:43

No, I wouldn't. His morals don't match mine and he's still sharing a home with his wife and children.

I don't want that sort of set up/baggage.

Ritascornershop · 27/06/2021 15:46

It’s not inevitable that it will happen again. I will say it’s possible that he’s checking out your reaction to see what your boundaries are though, what you’re willing to overlook. Some people only ever have the one affair, some make it a habit. Hard to say which he is.

I am the loneliest woman on earth, but also deeply cautious now of men ... don’t let your desire for relationship cloud your thinking. If you are interested enough, be cautious with him. 6 months is a lot of sneaking.

AuntieStella · 27/06/2021 15:47

I'd at least wait until he has moved out fully from his wife, bit probably swerve altogether.

The mate might know where he stays, but won't know the ins and outs of what the state of play is between them. It's a very messy situation, and I'd wait for clarity (decisive moving out) as the bare minimum

Daydrambeliever · 27/06/2021 15:49

It would be a no from me-

  1. He cheated once. That days he can't handle conflict or problems in a relationship in a healthy way.
  2. His living situation is not great. I would want a partner who has his own space.
  3. His relationship with his wife and the affair partner are not long finished. He clearly had to work some things out but hasn't given himself time to do it.
  4. He has kids. This in itself is a deal breaker for me unless they are adults.
mistermagpie · 27/06/2021 15:54

I'll get slated I'm sure but I cheated on my first husband with my second. I'll not make excuses and it was clearly not my finest hour, I'm not proud of it. That said, I don't regret it and it was the catalyst to the ending of a very unhappy marriage which was ultimately the right outcome for both of us.

Anyway, clearly my now husband knows about the affair as he was part of it, but it's never been an issue in our marriage. He trusts me completely, we have been together for about ten times as long (literally) as my first marriage and have three children. I'll say it, despite the fact that everyone in here won't believe me - but I would never cheat on him.

So, I obviously think that some people can have affairs and it just be a one-off decision made in the context of a miserable relationship (mine was abusive, but it's not an excuse) that will never be repeated. Others may cheat repeatedly, unfortunately there is no way of knowing so you have to trust your own gut instincts on this one I think.

mistermagpie · 27/06/2021 15:57

Sorry I skim read, I would leave this one alone if he's still in the family home.

Original poster
Gottahavefaith86 · 27/06/2021 17:19

Hi all
Really grateful to you all for taking the time to reply. Some lightbulb moments...
For context;
We all live in London. Housing is so expensive.
He's said that they are going to put the house on the market soon, but as the kids are both still under 6 years old, it's easier to keep the familiarity of the home/both parents.
One child has high support needs & his mum needs breaks/stays with her new boyfriend a night or two a week when their dad (who I am dating) stays over/has them.
Thank you to the people who said 'he's telling you he's capable of cheating & testing boundaries'

OP posts:
Original poster
Gottahavefaith86 · 27/06/2021 17:24

I am so torn.
I did think that it would be a 'I wouldn't' majority, but it's been such a long time since I've enjoyed a man's company/attention/had a laugh.
I am listening to all of you though & whoever said he hasn't had time to be single & probably doesn't know how to deal with conflict/relationship issues (hence affair) totally hear you.

OP posts:
Longdistance · 27/06/2021 17:28

He doesn’t have a very good moral compass, therefore it would be a no.

66babe · 27/06/2021 17:30

I'd give him a chance but keep your life very separate for now
Everyone makes mistakes and we just don't know what goes on in others relationships
It would be a flag for me too but I'd give him the chance and enjoy some nice dates , it may just fizzle out anyway ... or he may turn out to be great for you ?

IAmAWomanNotACis · 27/06/2021 17:31

Yeah I can't see a scenario that looks good here.

IAmAWomanNotACis · 27/06/2021 17:32

@66babe

I'd give him a chance but keep your life very separate for now Everyone makes mistakes and we just don't know what goes on in others relationships It would be a flag for me too but I'd give him the chance and enjoy some nice dates , it may just fizzle out anyway ... or he may turn out to be great for you ?
There's making a mistake and there's shagging somebody else repeatedly while your wife is looking after your special needs kid...
66babe · 27/06/2021 17:37

@IAmAWomanNotACis I hear you ! But unless we are any of those particular people we just don't know the circumstances do we ?

PeridotPenelope · 27/06/2021 17:38

Agree with posters who say poor moral compass and that it is an indication of how he manages conflict and difficult situations.

No-one needs to have an affair to get out of a difficult or unhappy relationship. No-one. Everyone has a choice.

You are too good for him.

Sensateria · 27/06/2021 17:40

You are dating a man who married to, and living with, his wife?

No.

relaxandchill · 27/06/2021 17:40

Why is he still in the family home? I've been separated for 15 months and for financial reasons still in the family home. Going through a divorce now and in the throes of settlement negotiations. I'm dating though. The cheating thing would put me off, though it depends on his reasoning for why he is still there. Are you sure they've split? 🤔

bengalcat · 27/06/2021 17:43

Depends what you want . If you’re happy with the odd date /shag and friendship then go ahead . But he’s not really in a place right now to move on is he as there’s unfinished business from his current marriage and of course the ever ongoing need to parent his kids - as per some pp man with non grown up kids would be a no for me . There will always be exceptions but folklore suggests when a marriage ends / divorce / division of assets / allow two years before embarking on another serious relationship .

alwayswrighty · 27/06/2021 17:44

Hmm without knowing the full ins and outs I wouldn't judge. I was seeing someone very shortly after telling my last husband I wanted a divorce (going through the process, so still married). The other person was very much a distraction and not long term material. I had checked out of our marriage two years before, and if he hadn't been away with shagging men work all the time he'd have noticed I had.

Notmoresugar · 27/06/2021 17:57

He's not a good'en.
Having an affair when he's got young DCs is just so shit.
It's very likely he'll get back with his wife (you won't believe that for one minute but it's so common).
Chuck him back before you get in too deep.