Dating someone who had an affair when he was married

[Gottahavefaith86]

Hello MN
Haven't posted on here for a very long time.
Single for years! Quite a lot of online dating along the way but have never met anyone great.
'Final' online date 3 weeks ago as was about to give up hope. Had low expectations and met this guy who I quickly thought was pretty amazing. Chemistry, generous, funny etc etc. Separated from his wife last year.
Told me in the first hour of the date that he had an affair for 6 months last year - relationship not great for years - then they ended things & his wife has since met someone else.
They both live at the family home (him half there half with a friend) for the sake of the kids/childcare. Randomly a friend knows them (found out last week) & knows that all the above is true.
Even though he told me about the affair on date 1, I didn't leave, I did ask a few questions & I have seen him twice since. I feel really attracted to him & we are texting loads/chatting/planning to meet again next week.
MN, is this a stupid move? If he's had an affair before, will this inevitably happen again if things move forward?
The fact he was upfront surprised me.
I've never cheated & struggle to understand how someone can.
It's the only thing I'm uncomfortable with.
Big red flag? See how it goes?
I'm completely in two minds.
Any insight/advice/guidance welcome 🙏🏽

In the nicest possible way you are still being quite naive.
Don't believe for a minute that because she's seeing another man and he's seeing you, that him and his wife aren't shagging like mad (trauma bonding).

Meh. My ex cheated on me and I pity his current gf because I know him and I know that ultimately he's not trustworthy.

It'd be a hard pass from me.

@Aquamarine1029
OP has had the situation verified by a mutual friend.

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Personally, I think, the moral line of someone who has cheated is a lower moral line than mine. I wouldn't go there but it's whether or not you can live with it.

I would be suspicious of him all the time - female colleagues, female friends from hobbies etc. I would always have a niggle that something more may be going on. That's no basis for a relationship.

He is not even divorced, separated which means you are in effect dating a married man. This alone would put me off let alone the cheating issue.
I would get out now before you get in too deep.

His wife was at home with their special needs 6 year old during a global pandemic and he was out shagging someone else?

So not only breaking his marriage vows but risking his family’s health? What a charmer.

@66babe

I agree@Baws and am also shocked at some of these comments So judgemental and so many assumptions I think OP is a sensible woman so will do what's right for her

She's single and childfree. He's a cheater who still lives with his wife and sees parenting his child with high support needs as giving her 'a break'.

The affair wouldn't necessarily put me off, things can happen for all sorts of reasons within a relationship, however his current living arrangements aren't ideal.
So, essentially what I think he is doing is living with a mate half the week then goes back to marital home the other half to have his kids when his STXW is staying with her new partner. As their split is recent, I suppose this is understandable for now, but I think only time will tell as to whether this really is his situation. If divorce proceedings commence and he finds somewhere else to live etc. A red flag would be delays, his situation not changing in 6 -12 months time.
What's your gut instinct?
Can you / are you prepared to just see how it goes with him for next year or so and happy to accept it didn't work out (if that's the outcome) not saying it will be.
Or are you looking to put your energy into finding someone to settle down with?
If it all works out are you prepared to take on his kids?
Do you have / want kids?
What's his view on more kids if you want them?
Whilst you probably haven't talked about this yet it could all help you to decide if / when to cut your loses with this guy.

1. Cheating on his wife, who was looking after their young children- one with special needs
2. Cheating during a pandemic
3. Cheating for longer than a one night stand- long enough to fully think through what you're doing to someone

But mainly, what sort of a partner (if you're looking for a long term partner) do you want? If you've just had a baby and are feeling completely unlike yourself, exhausted and unsexy, or if you had been ill for a few weeks and he was late home a few nights, how would you feel? How secure do you want to feel in a relationship? Personally, I am not self confident enough to be with someone who I know has cheated before in the above circumstances. It wouldn't matter how lovely he was, I know that deep down, in my more vulnerable moments, it would eat away at me that he'd done it before, so maybe...

I always think that when the 'other woman winds up with the cheater- good luck love, hope you're self confident enough to weather it. You know he's done it before- enjoy!

OP, as you have a mutual friend who has verified their current living arrangement, what is their take on this guy generally?

Affairs happen when someone either wants the ego boost, can't handle a challenging time in a relationship and/or can't bear to be single so need a back up person. Chances of the back up person being the soul mate?? I think realistically low. It's why cheats tend to cheat again because they haven't fixed the underlying cause.

Look at the facts...he has young children, one with difficulties and yet he still sought out someone else in a pandemic. I think it clearly shows he is selfish.

In a year he has had how many women? Wife, affair partner and you...I wonder how many other women on OLD??

One thing I learned from OLD, the married men were the ones who seemed to develop rapport the best. I put it down to practice and motivation. They don't want to waste anytime being single so have a "chat up" that seems to be very effective.

I think he told you about the affair because the divorce will be messy and his behaviour will be highlighted...he can at least say "but I told you I had an affair".

A question...what was the story he told himself, to justify an affair? He somehow convinced himself that he was entitled. This is the type of hard questions he needs to answer...bit realistically I wouldn't want to get involved. A married man, small children, previously history of affairs, potential drawn out divorce, fights over finances.

I wouldn’t get involved . Because of housing rather than his past

Minefield !

I cheated on my ex-husband, twenty years or so now.

I went on to have a LTR with ex-dp for about 10 years, had a few short term relationships/dating then got together with now dp over 6 years ago. I’ve not cheated on anyone other than ex-h. I know dp has cheated on a past partner many years ago.

I wouldn’t tolerate cheating in a relationship but I don’t agree that everyone who cheats once strays again.

What would massively put me off this guy are his complex circumstances.

He is still married, he lives at least part of the time with his wife, and he had a fairly long affair.
I'd pass for any one of these.

His wife has managed to find new partner dirigna pandemic too. As has OP for that matter.

Is the mutual friend a friend of his or hers? What do they think.

Thanks for all the comments. Really grateful, seriously. @GoatsInATree the friend who knows them (& is still friends with both of them) has told me they're both lovely people, both have said they weren't happy for a long time, was a really horrible time when the affair was found out of course, but for the sake of the kids, trying to keep things as consistent as possible.

@HotPenguin

I would be concerned about the fact he is still living with his ex. Do his children think they are still together?

I too would see him still sharing a house with his wife as a red flag. I honestly would not believe he was being truthful.

Find out more - and be careful, op.

It wouldn't worry me at all. Provided he has learnt from what went wrong and how he would avoid the same sort of relationship breakdown in the future. Id need to feel sure he'd felt guilty and soul searched and taken a lot of time and done a lot of work on himself. But i think anyone should do that at the end of a marriage anyway affair or not.

Relationships breaking down over a long time over years-things can get ugly. But if i felt he was a serial philanderer that would be another matter.

I'd need to take the relationship really slowly and feel we had amazing communication and honesty.

If everything is good i wouldn't be so judgemental as to end it with someone over one mistake in their past. Humans are flawed and imperfect. Thats what makes them beautiful.

@Fireflygal - thank you for your words. 🙏🏽

Personally I think him telling you so early on is almost like figuring out what you'll accept.

You don't have any other intention at all than to continue seeing him, you've made up your mind so what exactly is the point of the thread?

@Carycy

It wouldn’t be a no. I think a lot of people are capable of cheating in the right circumstances. There is a difference between one big affair blowing a possibly unhappy marriage and a serial cheater. My dad was one of those. For one he would never have admitted it like that. The fact he has come clean tells me he is ashamed of his actions and feels that they are out of character for him. So I would give him a chance amd find out more but I wouldn’t like the living situation.

I think saying it at the beginning of a first date suggests the opposite tbh

I can kind if understand cheating if you married the wrong person and then met the love of your life. But he hasn’t done that. Where is this woman who he shagged during a pandemic? She must have meant nothing if she’s long gone and he’s now online dating.

Are some people seriously suggesting that because a child has SEN parents should just put up with a shitty marriage where they are truly miserable? It’s this sort of judgemental attitude that makes people stay in a marriage where they are desperately unhappy.
What about situations where the mother has taken over the sole care of the SEN child and has neglected the needs of the DH and the marriage? I’ve seen this a few times. Also if this guy was such an arsehole then surely he would have left without a second thought for what his ex and DC were going through. Honestly I really hope some of you aren’t really this judgemental in real life! No situation is ever black and white and you cannot judge a person without knowing the full story!
Some of you are acting as if he’s just confessed to being charged with child abuse or rape! 🙄

When I was last dating, my rule was no one less than 3 years out of their last long term, cohabiting relationship.

I kept meeting men with complicated backgrounds and in the end I got sick of the drama, and in some cases being the person they moaned to about how unreasonable their exes were being about finances, access to DC etc etc

So someone in these circumstances would be an absolute no, regardless of the cheating admission.

Never mistake someone taking you into their confidence as a sign that they are interested in you.