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Original poster

Dating someone who had an affair when he was married

105 replies

Gottahavefaith86 · 27/06/2021 15:29

Hello MN
Haven't posted on here for a very long time.
Single for years! Quite a lot of online dating along the way but have never met anyone great.
'Final' online date 3 weeks ago as was about to give up hope. Had low expectations and met this guy who I quickly thought was pretty amazing. Chemistry, generous, funny etc etc. Separated from his wife last year.
Told me in the first hour of the date that he had an affair for 6 months last year - relationship not great for years - then they ended things & his wife has since met someone else.
They both live at the family home (him half there half with a friend) for the sake of the kids/childcare. Randomly a friend knows them (found out last week) & knows that all the above is true.
Even though he told me about the affair on date 1, I didn't leave, I did ask a few questions & I have seen him twice since. I feel really attracted to him & we are texting loads/chatting/planning to meet again next week.
MN, is this a stupid move? If he's had an affair before, will this inevitably happen again if things move forward?
The fact he was upfront surprised me.
I've never cheated & struggle to understand how someone can.
It's the only thing I'm uncomfortable with.
Big red flag? See how it goes?
I'm completely in two minds.
Any insight/advice/guidance welcome 🙏🏽

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 27/06/2021 18:08

What are you wanting from this situationship?

He is not yet divorced so that alone I would avoid with a barge pole.

He is still living in the family home some of the time

He cheated 6 months ago. What happened to that relationship?

If you are just looking for the fwb, then go ahead. If it js anything more than that, nah give this one a wide berth.

Ladylokidoki · 27/06/2021 18:11

So he has a high needs child at home and he was cheating instead of being at home supporting his wife?

The children won't suddenly be ok when they are over 6.

I just feel like this is all too mess and all too complicated. Plus, it's tells me when things get difficult, he prioritised himself.

Amotherlife · 27/06/2021 18:46

I think the children being under 6 would put me off the most. He wasn't willing to work on his marriage despite their young ages, so that doesn't speak volumes for his character. Plus I wouldn't want a bf who had such young children - he will be tied to them for years.

The affair isn't good but I can see why it might be overlooked in certain cases.

FoxgloveSummers · 27/06/2021 18:58

Don’t do it. I once had a relationship with someone in a similar situation (without kids). He’d cheated on and then ended things with his wife. I only started seeing him once he had moved out of the marital home and back with his parents. He pursued me and we dated for a few months. He eventually got back together with his wife and I got sent a stinking email written by the two of them which all but accused me of being a Jezebel who had interfered in their marriage. I’ll never forget how shitty that made me feel even though I knew it was a load of rubbish he’d obviously peddled to her to cover up what he’d been up to. I loathe cheating (it wasn’t cheating) so I felt rotten at the accusations. This could be the situation you find yourself in OP only with the kids thing to contend with as well. Honestly I would just run away now. Charm is sadly no guarantee of good character.

HandsSpaceArse · 27/06/2021 19:01

Absolute no from me.

PartyNeeded · 27/06/2021 19:06

The fact he's been honest with you is either good because it demonstrates someone who isn't going to lie and hide unpalatable details or....he's telling you what he's capable of and testing your threshold of tolerance.

Personally I think a lot of people have exit affairs. Not right but doesn't mean they will do it again.

gonnabeok · 27/06/2021 19:11

It'd be a no from me. What guarantee would you have that should your relationship get into trouble, he became less happy he would discuss it with you ? if his previous way to deal with it was in the form of an affair?? Avoid like the plague....

AlternativePerspective · 27/06/2021 19:11

Relationships are rarely black and white, and truth is that affairs happen. \

What would ring alarm bells for me though is the fact that he admitted to having an affair and then stated it ended his marriage but he’s still living in the family home. I would be wondering whether he’s telling you he ended his marriage while telling his wife he’s stopped seeing the OW, which he has, that OW anyway.

For financial reasons I stayed living in the family home for 9 months after me and eXH split. But it would never have occurred to me to start dating another man while I was technically still living with eXH, even though we had separate rooms and were legally separated. There’s something inherently wrong with it.

Children would be a dealbreaker for me anyway but that’s a personal thing.

Backhills · 27/06/2021 19:12

I don't think the affair is necessarily a red flag. One affair in a dying relationship is not then same as serial cheating, but no way I'd be getting involved while those living arrangements go on.

Even if it's a genuines separation it's a recipie for disaster and way too soon. If he is going to be unfaithful to you at this point, it will be with his ex and even if he's not, you're going to give unreasonable amounts of time and energy to wondering about it.

GoatsInATree · 27/06/2021 19:13

Charm and chemistry are easily created by players. That's one reason they are initially successful.
Not saying that he is definitely a player, just pointing this out.
Along with the cheating and not being separated, it's a no from me.

66babe · 27/06/2021 19:15

I'm sure the OP said the wife is dating and he lives there while she is at her new partners , giving her a break and doing his bit for their child with special needs ? Otherwise he's with a mate
I might have got that wrong 🤨

Hen2018 · 27/06/2021 19:16

I wouldn’t go out with someone still living with their wife.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 27/06/2021 19:17

One child has high support needs & his mum needs breaks/stays with her new boyfriend a night or two a week when their dad (who I am dating) stays over/has them.

W.T.A.FUCK?!!! You're dating a man who cheats on his wife (bullshit the relationship was 'dead for years' that's classic cheater script talk), lives with his wife (because that is who she is, he is not divorced, he's not even separated properly) and he, and you believe that caring for his child with special needs is solely her job and he's giving her a 'break' by parenting his kid?

Honestly, you're both as bad as each other and merit each other because a person's bar has to be set below Middle Earth to have given this man the time of day, much less shag him, continue seeing him and describe him 'amazing'.

FoxgloveSummers · 27/06/2021 19:23

@66babe

I'm sure the OP said the wife is dating and he lives there while she is at her new partners , giving her a break and doing his bit for their child with special needs ? Otherwise he's with a mate I might have got that wrong 🤨
I think the key thing is - that’s what the OP has been told and believes to be true. All she can KNOW though is that his friends believe he still lives with his wife, and OP will not be invited over to his any time in the foreseeable future to confirm what the precise arrangements are.
Original poster
Gottahavefaith86 · 27/06/2021 19:23

@66babe that's right.
His ex is now in another relationship. This has all been told to be by a friend who, completely randomly knows them. And it's completely true,
If i didn't know this for certain, would run a mile, as wouldn't believe it & the 'still living together but separated' is often bullshit.
They're making an effort to keep thing as normal as possible for the kids while working out their finances is what I've been told.
Not straight forward?
I'm feeling like the affair is the main red flag for me though. The more I think about it (shagging someone else during a pandemic) the more I agree with those who mentioned his lack of morals.

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 27/06/2021 19:23

What are his plans for after he leaves the family home, 50/50 for both children or giving her a 'break' from a child with special needs? Hmm

FoxgloveSummers · 27/06/2021 19:25

Is it Matt Hancock? (Sorry couldn’t resist Grin)

Baws · 27/06/2021 19:26

Honestly some of these comments! 🙄
Exit affairs are far more common than people ending just marriages without there being someone else on the scene. It’s hilarious that the same people on here who seem to claim that it’s just so easy to end a marriage are the same ones who tell posters who are upset that their husbands want to end the marriage that there must be another woman!
I think the fact that he’s been honest with you is a positive sign. The living with his ex makes sense too especially as they have a child with ALN. I would be wary and take things slowly but neither of these things are deal breakers in my view.

Guavafish · 27/06/2021 19:28

Too complicated

mineofuselessinformation · 27/06/2021 19:28

I wouldn't touch him with someone else's.....

Lakeshore6 · 27/06/2021 19:29

Na.

When I see men have affairs I do wonder what kind of person is happy or stupid enough to take them on.

Add to the pot that not only does he have kids, one of them has high needs. He destroyed their family. It’s a bit sick, how can you find that character attractive?

66babe · 27/06/2021 19:29

I agree@Baws and am also shocked at some of these comments
So judgemental and so many assumptions
I think OP is a sensible woman so will do what's right for her

Carycy · 27/06/2021 19:29

It wouldn’t be a no. I think a lot of people are capable of cheating in the right circumstances.
There is a difference between one big affair blowing a possibly unhappy marriage and a serial cheater. My dad was one of those. For one he would never have admitted it like that.
The fact he has come clean tells me he is ashamed of his actions and feels that they are out of character for him.
So I would give him a chance amd find out more but I wouldn’t like the living situation.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/06/2021 19:31

His ex is now in another relationship.

She is not his "ex." She is still his wife, and they are still living together. I would be willing to bet he's only told you things he thinks you want to hear. I would be running a mile from this car crash.

Backhills · 27/06/2021 19:32

If it makes sense to have this arrangement for the sake of a 6 yo with SN now, it will for the next 10 years.