Dating someone who had an affair when he was married

[Gottahavefaith86]

Hello MN
Haven't posted on here for a very long time.
Single for years! Quite a lot of online dating along the way but have never met anyone great.
'Final' online date 3 weeks ago as was about to give up hope. Had low expectations and met this guy who I quickly thought was pretty amazing. Chemistry, generous, funny etc etc. Separated from his wife last year.
Told me in the first hour of the date that he had an affair for 6 months last year - relationship not great for years - then they ended things & his wife has since met someone else.
They both live at the family home (him half there half with a friend) for the sake of the kids/childcare. Randomly a friend knows them (found out last week) & knows that all the above is true.
Even though he told me about the affair on date 1, I didn't leave, I did ask a few questions & I have seen him twice since. I feel really attracted to him & we are texting loads/chatting/planning to meet again next week.
MN, is this a stupid move? If he's had an affair before, will this inevitably happen again if things move forward?
The fact he was upfront surprised me.
I've never cheated & struggle to understand how someone can.
It's the only thing I'm uncomfortable with.
Big red flag? See how it goes?
I'm completely in two minds.
Any insight/advice/guidance welcome 🙏🏽

@osbertthesyrianhamster I haven't made up my mind at all. The purpose of the thread is to work out what the hell I'm doing here.
The situation is new & completely odd.
Everyone's thoughts & posts & advice is ridiculously helpful in deciding what I'm going to do next. Right now, I'm thinking 'end' ....

@Sensateria

You are dating a man who married to, and living with, his wife?

No.

This.

Why is he in such a big hurry to get back on the dating scene? Why can't he wait until his house is sold.....after all, apparently he's going to be putting it on the marker soon...isn't he??

I think it's a bad idea to date him and risk developing feelings until that situation is over and done with. Sounds to me like he wants to hop from one woman to another with no real gap in between - his wife, the mistress, and now on to you.

Yes, he might have been honest about it at the beginning for nicer reasons, but he might also be testing the waters to see how much dodgy bullshit you'll put up with....after all....he put his cards out on the table at the beginning. He can avoid taking responsibility for his future actions because after all, he did warn you.

No way. I despise people who have affairs, I couldn't have a relationship with one no matter how reformed they claimed to be.

My partner cheated on both previous partners and was bit of a dog to be honest. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and so happy I did, we're very happy and both been faithful. I don't think you should judge a person based on the mistakes made in one relationship

A big swerve from me.
You deserve better.

Going to point out first that friends can lie. Many people on here find out their friends knew about their partners cheating on them and didn't say anything. Some friends even shag their friends husbands. Being a friend doesn't mean they won't lie, they may be lying for him as they are more loyal to him.

Other than that, no I wouldn't trust him personally. Once a cheater, always a cheater. And I wouldn't trust him to never do it again. He also still lives with his wife half the time, probably still sees the other woman too. Far too messy.

Nope!

When someone tells you who they are - believe them!

He's actually told you he's incapable of being faithful and is possibly still in a relationship of sorts with his wife (regardless of what your friend THINKS they know they cannot know what's going on behind closed doors! I've known several couples in situations like this who've continued to have an on off relationship after an official split)

Way way too messy!

When someone tells you who they are - believe them!

This. I wish I'd listened years ago. You live and learn.

I’ve been in a similar situation and went into a serious relationship with someone who cheated on their wife. It ended because he ultimately had a poor moral compass and cheated on me.

I would never ever date anyone again who had cheated on their partner. No way.

Big no from me. Just setting yourself up for misery.

I wouldn't go out with him as something potentially serious, simply as the logistics are ridiculous and the timeframe is far too short for my liking. A year or so ago he was "happily married" and since then he's had a six-month affair, broken up with his wife and started dating? Where was the time to grieve the end of his marriage? Where was the time to recover from the end of his affair? Has he got any emotional depth at all? Is he incapable of living alone for 5 minutes?

Agree with other that the friend who knows them is hardly going to know the real ins and outs of their relationship, unless they both have a habit of blurting out their private life.

The fact he was upfront surprised me
Because he said it at all, or because he was weirdly upfront about it, like someone who's come up with a smart way of getting women to think he's heartwarmingly honest and brave about that one oh so relatable indiscretion? Any other "relatable" stories?

Big fat no from me. One because I instantly wouldn't trust him and two because I'd have no respect for him. His marriage might have been crap but he could just have ended it first? Oldest excuse in the book. It's a shame because you have a connection with him.and people do make mistakes but I agree that he could just be testing you out ....

I assume OP that given your naivety over all this that you don't have children of your own, otherwise you'd likely have a far better inkling of what it must be like to try and get little kids - especially with additional needs - through this kind of dreadful situation.

Sound like he's properly selfish and a few years down the line he'll cheat on you too, probably when sex has inevitably dried up after the arrival of a new born and the novelty of a shag-fest has gone.

Just saying.

Pre-warned is pre-armed...or something.

Once a cheat...

He's a married man still living with his wife, so it's a no from me.

I wouldn't tell him the reason you are dumping him so he can be as honest with the next one. And if she still goes for it it's her own fault

Rightly or wrongly its not the affair that's a flag for me. Its the fact they are quite recently separated but living together of sorts and young children.
Exit affairs are quite common.

But too much baggage to sort out

Also, how long is he planning to live with his friend half the week? Must be a very close friend to have agreed to it so far, but presumably he's got something else planned so that he doesn't impose on them too long, right? Something else planned other than using your home, that is?

Thanks for all the comments.
@ravenmum it's for as long as he needs it sounds like.
Thank you to everyone who's commented.
The situation is far from straight forward &
I needed to hear a lot of this.

@ShiteningMcQueen

I assume OP that given your naivety over all this that you don't have children of your own, otherwise you'd likely have a far better inkling of what it must be like to try and get little kids - especially with additional needs - through this kind of dreadful situation.

Sound like he's properly selfish and a few years down the line he'll cheat on you too, probably when sex has inevitably dried up after the arrival of a new born and the novelty of a shag-fest has gone.

Just saying.

Pre-warned is pre-armed...or something.

THIS! His having kids when you have none is more than enough reason to swerve him (and really, just do). He's downplayed this and minimised this because his need to date is paramount. He doesn't have your best interests in mind but his. Just his whole 'giving her a break' business.

Don’t give him brownie points for being honest (you’ve been able to verify independently anyway) and don’t let it lure you into feeling that his cards are on the table. Objectively, is his home situation one that you would entangle yourself in? Young children, still living in the family home, poor track record, uncertain future, I’d be making my excuses and saying this is not the relationship you are looking for right now.

@Gottahavefaith86

Life is never as black/white as many people on MN would want it to be.
His marriage was clearly dead long before they pulled a plug. And clearly they are both devoted parents as is demonstrated by this non-traditional living arrangement which priorities the needs of the kids and complicates the dating life of the adults.
So - in my book his sins as a bad H to his exW are outweighed by his dedication to his children.

He had an exit affair. Plenty of people do that in the end of their dead relationships as they often need a catalyst to make a move. It’s less about his morals and more about being human and being scared and feeling guilty for needing to end a dysfunctional marriage.

OP - you say you dated for years and not met anyone you liked. You finally met someone and had a real connection.
Why not give it a chance and see where it all goes.
Or you can chose to judge him by some impossibly high and inflexible standards of an Internet forum.

He had an exit affair. Plenty of people do that in the end of their dead relationships as they often need a catalyst to make a move. It’s less about his morals and more about being human and being scared and feeling guilty for needing to end a dysfunctional marriage.

The thing is, all of us can be fairly decent people when the going's good. It's when life feeds us shit sandwiches that true character is tested. And, in my experience, I've seen this too often with people who have affairs: yes, it might be that they didn't mean to do the damage. It might have been because they were weak and scared. But just because someone isn't a moustache-twirling villain, doesn't mean they're - by default - a good bet either.

The key question will be: has he learned? All too often cheats don't. People learn from having to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions and from doing some serious self-reflection. Given how quickly this guy's moving on I'd say the signs ain't all that great.

Has he ever cheated on anyone before?

What happened with the woman he cheated on his wife with?

My partner had an affair when he was married.

His family have told me what his life was like, married to a woman who would not work and drank every day and resented him coming home at night.

He was stuck in this loveless , joyless , miserable situation for years and then he met someone at work and had an affair. He is not proud of it but he has told me he just wanted some love and tenderness in his life.

When his wife found out she was not bothered by the affair, she was only concerned about the finances. She made his life hell before and after the divorce.

I have been with this man for many years and he is lovely.