Boyfriend said he couldn't help himself. [Content warning: concerns sexual abuse/rape]

[Whattheactualfk]

I was lying in bed with my boyfriend the other night and he began feeling me up. I was a bit tired so not hugely into it but going with the flow. He asked if I was still sore as we had rough sex the night before. I said "yes", at which point he sat up, moved so he was facing me, lifted both my legs in the air and entered me.

I was a bit surprised by this as I thought saying I was sore was an indication that I wasn't up for more sex. But I went along with it and tried to encourage it to be over as soon as possible by faking orgasm.

He then said "I'm sorry, i couldn't help myself" afterwards and went back to sleep.

I've had similar incidents with other men and I always feel I act extremely passive in these situations. Like I can't just say no.

Although the other night he wanted me to use a toy in front of him. Then he took control. I pushed it away suddenly because the setting was too high and it hurt and, so I said "stop". He said "no keep going, I want to see you come". I said stop again and tried to push him off. Then he saw my face and said "stop for real?". This feels like a miscommunication but saying "stop" clearly without an agreed BDSM type scene means.. Well.. stop.

I felt quite unsafe but then guilty because he showed instant remorse and said I should have tapped him on the arm.

I freeze up when I feel scared and that makes it hard for men to realise they've crossed a line. I dunno I guess I just wanted to get someone else's perspective and advice.

I think most people would think it crosses a line to carry on with anything knowing that it was likely to be physically hurting the other person. The fact he asked and did it anyway then apologised afterwards means he knows it was wrong as well. Yoube mentioned feeling unsafe and scared. This is not normal or healthy in a relationship.

Wow thats all horrific. The person you love and trust should not be doing any of this. Makes me really uncomfortable reading this and don't think I could be with my husband if he done that. Sex is suppose to be something both parties agree to and want but it sounds like he isn't considering you in any of this and just what he wants whether you are happy or not.

You shouldn't of had to say no but he's a disrespectful selfish dickhead, don't chance it again I would end the relationship, don't feel sorry for him, he knows he done wrong.

It wasn't consensual. He is a dirty bastard who treats you like meat. You have no say in his sex life.

Without foreolay surely he must have realised it wouldn't be comfortable?! He sounds awful.

That's not nice - you need to be more assertive and say no firmly and remove yourself from the situation. I don't think he's a keeper is he? It's not your fault and he needs to work on treating you better.

He's raping you.

He's watched too much porn. Get rid.

what a bullying selfish disgraceful Scum Bag..

his behaviour despite you still being in pain is your new normal OP.

Get RID of this scum bag .. this is not a loving relationship this is wrong.

I felt very uneasy reading this like the other poster...

Well that's rape, both times. Apologizing doesn't make it ok. Sorry you experienced this . It's not ok.

The freezing up being passive etc is a survival mechanism so don't feel bad you behave that way. It's natural.

You say it keeps happening with different men. That makes me think there's something 'off' in your thought process that you're choosing this type of man who thinks such behaviour is ok, or you're not noticing red flags soon enough, or not ending the relationship when you do see red flags. Might be a good idea to stay single for a while, or at least decide to stay celibate, until you've worked out what's going on.

I'm not blaming you for picking bad men or for not running away soon/fast enough but it's a situation that needs sorting out, so you don't keep ending up in bad situations and having these awful experiences. The only behaviour you can control is your own, that's why it's for you to sort out why you keep ending up in bad situations.

I’m not often shocked but your first paragraph is awful to read.
Get this rapist out of your life, now, today.
Find your voice and protect yourself.

I'm surprised by the responses as I felt I gave him mixed signals by not explicitly refusing sex, and later faking orgasm.

We have had other incidents. Once I got upset he was texting during sex so I got out of bed, then he pulled me back into bed and continued having sex with me until he noticed I was crying and stopped. We have rough sex and have incorporated spanking before, but once he took off his belt and hit me during sex and I felt very overwhelmed. He also bites me quite a lot and when I look at myself in the mirror the bruises frighten me..but I haven't asked him to stop and sometimes the biting is OK/sexy?

I know I go along with stuff without expressing what I really want.. I guess I feel i don't have a say and worry he won't want me if I don't do what he likes.

Dump him of course. If he thinks ‘couldn’t help myself’ is an excuse what else does he think he can get away with because he has poor self control. I also think you should look at your self esteem and explore possible reasons why you feel you should endure this.

Because your first post makes it sound like you're wondering, I'm going to state that you're not responsible in any way for these men's behaviour. It's their choice to act this way and they're fully responsible for their behaviour.

If your partner thinks he "can't help himself" he's essentially saying he's at risk of raping people whenever. If that was the case and he had any decency in him, would he not want to discuss this with a medical professional? Even if he had no decency, would he not want help to stop doing it, for his own sake, so he can stay out of prison?

So either he's not a decent person, he doesn't want help and therefore you shouldn't be with him. Or he absolutely can help it but chooses to do whatever he wants just because he can, in which case he's not a decent person and you shouldn't be with him.

This is beyond awful.
You are being raped.
You need to stay single for a while and focus on your self-worth.
Please seek counselling as I fear that otherwise you will just keep on accepting shit from men who are scumbags.
Learn about self esteem and boundaries. There are some good books out there that may help you, e.g. The Six Pillars of Self Esteem, by Nathaniel Barden.
But whatever you do, get rid of your abuser, and do it now.

Biting? Bruises? Get rid of him

You are being abused.

Leave this porn-addled selfish rapist and try having sex with a decent person who likes you. Life and sex and relationships should all be so, so much better than this.

You need to get rid of this abusive creep. And just for the record, "stop" always means stop. Always.

He’s an abusive c##t! Get rid

He’s an abusive rapist. Please dump the vile specimen.

Rape, some of it violent OP. Although he isn't beating you up presumably outside of a BDSM context, (though he's also doing some non-consensual BDSM=assault) he is grabbing you and entering you and stuff and that is violence.

It's very common for people to freeze or flop when they're being raped or sexually assaulted.

Non rapists would not have raped you in the first place.

I guess I feel i don't have a say and worry he won't want me if I don't do what he likes.

I was like that with my last ex. But if he doesn't let you say no to stuff without there being some unspoken undercurrent that he might dump you, then losing him would be no loss.

It got to the poit that I was sooooooo happy to be free from the constant sexual pressure. And I wasn't even being violently raped. Life is so much more relaxing free of this pressure and the having to do sexual things you don't want to do.

I couldn't recommend dumping sexual coercers, let alone violent rapists, more highly.

And block him on everything so he can't charm you back in and it's not as easy for you to contact him.

Hey so my boyfriend called me a fat cunt the other day

You need help. I mean it the nicest possible way.

None of what you describe is normal, none of it is acceptable and none of it is your fault.

You must learn to say no. Apparently this type of behaviour is almost "normal" among young men nowadays but wtf? Spanking? No! Forcing himself into you when you've already said you're sore? Get rid of this cruel, nasty prick asap.