Boyfriend said he couldn't help himself. [Content warning: concerns sexual abuse/rape]

[Whattheactualfk]

I was lying in bed with my boyfriend the other night and he began feeling me up. I was a bit tired so not hugely into it but going with the flow. He asked if I was still sore as we had rough sex the night before. I said "yes", at which point he sat up, moved so he was facing me, lifted both my legs in the air and entered me.

I was a bit surprised by this as I thought saying I was sore was an indication that I wasn't up for more sex. But I went along with it and tried to encourage it to be over as soon as possible by faking orgasm.

He then said "I'm sorry, i couldn't help myself" afterwards and went back to sleep.

I've had similar incidents with other men and I always feel I act extremely passive in these situations. Like I can't just say no.

Although the other night he wanted me to use a toy in front of him. Then he took control. I pushed it away suddenly because the setting was too high and it hurt and, so I said "stop". He said "no keep going, I want to see you come". I said stop again and tried to push him off. Then he saw my face and said "stop for real?". This feels like a miscommunication but saying "stop" clearly without an agreed BDSM type scene means.. Well.. stop.

I felt quite unsafe but then guilty because he showed instant remorse and said I should have tapped him on the arm.

I freeze up when I feel scared and that makes it hard for men to realise they've crossed a line. I dunno I guess I just wanted to get someone else's perspective and advice.

OP, sex is supposed to be pleasurable for you too, it’s also only supposed to happen with your consent. I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this but you seem to believe that you owe your boyfriend sex regardless of how you feel. This is not the case and should never be.

Your boyfriend is a rapist. When you say no he carries on. When he knows it hurts or you’re upset he carries on. This is not misunderstanding or lack of control on his part, this is rape.

Two questions for you to consider OP:

When your boyfriend does these things to you, do you think it’s because he cares and wants to please you?

Does he force himself on other women or just you?

If the answer to the second question is no, then it’s nothing to do with a lack of self control on his part and everything to do with the fact that he’s choosing to do it. Either way OP your boyfriend is a rapist, and you deserve a boyfriend who isn’t a rapist.

I think the fact that he deliberately had sex when you were sore, knowing that it would hurtt shows that he doesn't care/actually wanted to hurt you.

I'm sure that you're not the only one who has gone along with things for a bit, but then it's usual to be have the chance to say that it isn't working/ turn away to go to sleep.

He wasn't ever going to give you the chance to do that.

You freeze because you are scared & perhaps even more fearful of what actually refusing him might lead to.

You are obviously not in a safe, loving relationship

OP what he is doing is rape as many other posters have pointed out.

He also seems to have convinced you that this is all par for the course in BDSM-it is most definitely NOT.

What you are describing is multi faceted sexual abuse.

Please, get yourself somewhere safe and leave. Don't look back. You deserve so much better.

Thing is I KNOW you’ll be reading these responses absolutely stunned that all these people think your partner is raping and abusing you. Because it’s not like the picture in your head of what abuse is and rape is. And you’ve been the frog in the boiling pot for so long that you’re used to abusive sex. And I know you’re thinking “well okay it’s not great, but it’s not as bad as these people say, sometimes I enjoy it” etc. These are all very normal typical responses to being in this situation because you’ve been conditioned to think this is normal. Your inability to say stop, your faking an orgasm to make it finish more quickly - these are survival mechanisms, these are your body trying to get through this in one piece. Your body knows it is being attacked, yet this is your relationship.

My ex and other previous partners did such a number on me that I convinced myself that things I now realise I hate were my own sexual preferences. I used to believe I enjoyed certain things, or even actively want them to happen in my head, but the physical reality of them happening made me panic. What’s more disturbing is that the idea of some of these things actually still presses some trauma-induced buttons in me somewhere, and sometimes I feel like I want things that I genuinely do not want. It got to the point where all penetrative sex made me panic, even with a partner who is extremely respectful and loving.

I know how confused you feel right now. This thread and the responses must be really shocking to you. Your perspective on this is skewed by abuse and grooming, and I know how that feels.

I would definitely recommend the freedom programme and some counselling to try to help unpick what’s happened to you and help you move forward to safe relationships. It is possible.

@FTEngineerM

That's not difficult for men to understand, we use non verbal cues in all aspects of our life

The situation is obviously totally one for the OP to leave and get herself some help BUT the OP is in fact using non verbal cues to pretend to enjoy it ie. fake orgasm.

Fake non verbal cues are Exaggerated and easy to spot. Your eye contact doesn't lie. He knew.

Manipulators know you don't really want to do something when you finally cave in and agree.

@newtb - I'm so sorry you went through all of that.
I'm glad you're free now, even though it's cost you almost everything you had.
I hope you have some peace and joy in your life now.

Man’s view.

Agree with newtb

Tell him you want to fuck his ass with a 14 inch strap - on ( And thick ), with no lube.

He’s a piece of shit.

He doesn’t love you, on a subliminal level, he doesn’t even like you. This is sexual exploitation at it’s worst. He rapes you, says sorry, so that makes it alright !?

What a c*nt.

@newtb 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

See this? This is what consent is all about: In terms of what you're experiencing, he's not only pouring hot tea all over you, he's using the kettle as well. This is Not OK.

Hmmm I get this one and it is useful, BUT, drinking a cup of tea you don't really want doesn't really bother most people. We would Probably do so out of politeness on occasion. We don't let someone inside us out of politeness.

No, don’t tell him you want to fuck him with anything, just get away from him.

The way to deal with abuse is to get away from it, not to inflict it back.

I don't know why I find that cup of tea video really annoying.

Perhaps because there are bits in it that I find a bit confusing.

If they aren't sure, make the tea anyway & they can drink it or not-what??

@chickenyhead

I'm so sorry OP.

Please do some research in to consent. If it is too painful or difficult to apply the compassion to yourself, imagine your child or best friend was relaying this to you.

I have been here too.

Ask yourself, would I have done these things were I him? Would a reasonable person treat another human being this way?

If you had tapped his arm, no doubt at all, he would move that goalpost again. This isn't about you, he has no respect for you. This is about him using your body.

If you could have stopped time and chosen not to have sex, without consequences, then you were not ACTIVELY consenting. You were being coerced.

You unfortunately appear to resort to the same fear response I did. The problem is, they know that you aren't consenting. They want that power and control over you. It escalates.

The first few times my ex raped me after we split up (not the many times we were together) I didn't SAY no, but everything about my body language and eye contact screamed it. Deafening screams of I don't want this. It is obvious to a reasonable person when their partner is not in to it. I cannot imagine laying a finger on someone who wasn't fully in to it. Nor would you. My ex escalated the violence during subsequent rapes. Through me telling him calmly to stop, he was raping me, how would he feel if someone did this to our DD; all the way through to suffocating me in to a pillow whilst raping me anally whilst I screamed the house down. What I am saying is that you are in danger.

Please don't focus on whether you say the word no. It is irrelevant and you may be scared that saying it will lead to him carrying on anyway, it would. Your body language already told him no.

He is scum.

I'm so sorry you experienced that @chickenyhead, I hope you are on a better place now 

@Whattheactualfk I'm sorry you are going through this. He sounds dreadful.

God, this is as bad - if not worse - than when women were expected to lie back, close their eyes and try to think about something pleasant while their husband rutted away above them.

Sex is supposed to feel good. If it doesn't feel good then you don't need to do it - EVER.

Reasons for not having sex include: Don't feel like it, can't be arsed, [insert reason of your choice here regarding why you don't want to have sex, or continue to want sex here - any and all are valid]

Even if it's good sometimes, that doesn't retract from the fact that it sounds abusive and SHIT quite a lot of the time. That's not OK op and the problems IS NOT YOU.

Your dp is shit at sex, shit at communication, selfish in bed. I don't know how he got that way but it's not your problem to solve - run far away.

Porn addled rapey fucker. At best - at very best - you are a prop to his sexual activities. You don't matter, you could be a sex doll - his focus is on getting off with whatever is closest to hand and that happens to be you. At best.

At worst this is sustained, escalating sexual violence.

But wherever it lies in that spectrum almost isn't important.

You are unhappy.

He treats you appallingly. I think he abuses you, you may not be ready to hear that word yet, that's fine. But this is not loving sex, is it?

You have to leave him sweetheart.

Fucking porn.

Hi all,

We've had some reports about this thread from people who are concerned about the OP. Having checked behind the scenes we can see that the OP has deregistered her account by now so obviously won't be returning to this thread.

We're going to close the thread to new responses but we're adding some support links here for the OP and anyone else who may need them.

Here's a link to our Domestic Violence webguide - there are plenty of organisations listed on it which can offer support in real life.

One organisation which we know has helped many women in situations like this is Women's Aid. The link to their website can be found here, and they have a free helpline which is available 24 hours a day - 0808 2000 247. We know they've helped many Mumsnetters in the past, in particular with the Freedom Programme, so please take a look at their website.

Here's a link to Refuge's webpage on sexual violence, which offers support for those who have been sexually assaulted or raped.

And finally here's the Rape Crisis page on Where to start, which says: Whether it happened recently or in the past - or if you're not sure what happened - find help here to think through your options and next steps. If you don't feel able to talk about what happened, they have an online chat service - here's the link.

Thanks to everyone who offered the OP advice and support. OP, we hope you're okay.