Boyfriend said he couldn't help himself. [Content warning: concerns sexual abuse/rape]

[Whattheactualfk]

I was lying in bed with my boyfriend the other night and he began feeling me up. I was a bit tired so not hugely into it but going with the flow. He asked if I was still sore as we had rough sex the night before. I said "yes", at which point he sat up, moved so he was facing me, lifted both my legs in the air and entered me.

I was a bit surprised by this as I thought saying I was sore was an indication that I wasn't up for more sex. But I went along with it and tried to encourage it to be over as soon as possible by faking orgasm.

He then said "I'm sorry, i couldn't help myself" afterwards and went back to sleep.

I've had similar incidents with other men and I always feel I act extremely passive in these situations. Like I can't just say no.

Although the other night he wanted me to use a toy in front of him. Then he took control. I pushed it away suddenly because the setting was too high and it hurt and, so I said "stop". He said "no keep going, I want to see you come". I said stop again and tried to push him off. Then he saw my face and said "stop for real?". This feels like a miscommunication but saying "stop" clearly without an agreed BDSM type scene means.. Well.. stop.

I felt quite unsafe but then guilty because he showed instant remorse and said I should have tapped him on the arm.

I freeze up when I feel scared and that makes it hard for men to realise they've crossed a line. I dunno I guess I just wanted to get someone else's perspective and advice.

Dump this rapey abusive excuse for a man.

Unless you've specifically agreed a BDSM type code word, stop always means stop. And even then, stop would still mean stop (and check you're happy to continue). He's having sex with you without your consent, hitting you & biting you. The fact that you're crying during sex would be a massive turn off for anyone decent - no-one worth having sex with, should want to hurt you. Leave this wankstain.

@converseandjeans - he needs to work on moving out. This isn't a fixable situation.

Most people freeze. We're taught about fight or flight but freezing is the most common response.

Consent means actively saying yes. It's his job to ensure that you are 100% ok.

Bdsm is fine (though not to everyones taste) if there is trust, agreed safeword, and very frank conversations about what everyone is happy with before you start anything.

Stop or no is fine you shouldn't have to repeat yourself otherwise that's rape.
My husband would find the idea of having sex with me when I was sore repulsive, but then he likes me to enjoy it.
I mean this kindly, I think you have a warped view of what a consensual relationship is from your past experiences.
You should leave this man and focus on yourself, I think seeing a therapist and discussing your feelings/past with them might help you figure out what a good sexual relationship is.

It's a bit shit that so many people talk about saying no and putting it on the woman, but actually it should be more on the man to get a yes and to hold off without one.

Fucking hell, society expects so bloody little of men.

There's something really really fucked up in it being normalised that a man will continue sex and do what he wants to someone else's body even if she's reluctant or sore or clearly not into it, and people will tell her ohh you should have said no, and then you should have said it louder or more forcefully or whatever, like blokes become stupid and deaf in bed. No, it's just convenient to them. Bloody awful.

Anyway OP, your guy does stuff to you you don't want and don't enjoy, and he knows he does, that's why he apologises. But he continues. Which makes his apology worthless.

Being single isn't worse than this.

He's not your boyfriend he's your abuser.

Just how many times have you been raped by this and by other men?

Have you heard of women dying during rough sex?
It happens.

Get help from a women's centre or online if you can. Get out of this toxic mess, please.

My ex was like this, he’d definitely watched too much porn.

Please get out.

In a healthy relationship sex is safe, consensual, pleasurable. For both parties, every time.

You can't work on him to make him understand this, he can't or won't. He needs to be out of your life. I would bet he disrespects you out of the bedroom, too.

He’s a porn addled rapey bastard who wants what he sees on the internet. He’s abusing you to get it. Don’t be afraid that he won’t want you any more if you don’t comply. You don’t want him anyway because you’ve seen the light and realised he’s a cunt.

The only codeword ever needed is No.

Oh OP you are being raped and abused whilst being raped. Get rid please

I like rough sex every now and then but my dh will stop as soon as I say stop. He doesn’t carry on and will check im ok before asking if it’s ok to carry on. If I say no, he will stop. No questions asked

Doesn’t sound like youre enjoying your sex life. It sounds very one sided and he has no respect for you or boundaries.

I think you should end your relationship until you feel more confident in yourself.

Any porn is too much porn. It destroys relationships and fuels female abuse in society. If this excuse of a man is a porn user even more reason to kick him to the curb pronto.

@Whattheactualfk

I'm surprised by the responses as I felt I gave him mixed signals by not explicitly refusing sex, and later faking orgasm.

We have had other incidents. Once I got upset he was texting during sex so I got out of bed, then he pulled me back into bed and continued having sex with me until he noticed I was crying and stopped. We have rough sex and have incorporated spanking before, but once he took off his belt and hit me during sex and I felt very overwhelmed. He also bites me quite a lot and when I look at myself in the mirror the bruises frighten me..but I haven't asked him to stop and sometimes the biting is OK/sexy?

I know I go along with stuff without expressing what I really want.. I guess I feel i don't have a say and worry he won't want me if I don't do what he likes.

He’s sexually abusing you. This relationship is not healthy. I suggest you speak to someone at women’s refuge about this, and how to extricate yourself from him.

That's rape, just say the word out loud OP, and leave him. Can you leave him, do you have somewhere else to go?

Sex is supposed to be about mutual pleasure, neither person should gem coerced into doing something that is unpleasant, or they don't want, or is painful.

The fact that you are in pain because of "rough sex" doesn't make it sexy or okay. Something (him? Society generally?) has effectively groomed you into thinking that this pain that he causes you to be in is some sort of badge of honour, or an indication of how sexy you are. It's not. It's an indication of a very unhealthy sexual dynamic between you, where he seems to have made you think that your pain, discomfort, upset and feelings of violation are something good, just because it involves his penis.

This is not good sex, OP. This is sexual abuse.

Do you have a history of sexual abuse OP, prior to this relationship?

I do and found that I struggled to ever tell a partner to stop, for years I just endured things that were unpleasant for me. Then I ended up in a relationship with a porn addict who abused me horribly.

Even now I’m in a relationship with someone who’d never want me to do something I wasn’t enjoying, I still find it difficult to say stop. I have started having counselling to try to tackle this.

Firstly you need to get rid of him, then you need some help to understand why you struggle with this - not because it’s your fault, but so that you can feel confident setting boundaries in future.

What he did is inexcusable. But you need to say "no" in words like that. Not just "are you sore?" "yes" and him plunging anyway (despite it or because of it? that would worry me)

TBH you need a safeword, and you need to rethink the relationship.

This is abuse. He’s a rapist. I’m sorry, OP, that’s the frightening truth, and he will continue to hurt and abuse you more and more. Please, please get away from him, and seek support in increasing your sense of self-worth. Because you deserve much, much better in your relationships.

Your boyfriend can't help himself raping people????? He should be locked up for peoples safety. You should dump hi. Then not date again until you have seen a psychiatrist with an urgent view to learning how to create boundaries with men. I had to also do this as I had a terrible upbringing going and no idea how to set boundaries.

I don't think this guy is interested in 'No', he's clearly not interested in your feelings OP.

I agree with others that you need to get away from this guy and seek some help to enable you to speak up more when you're not comfortable (not that this was at all your fault - totally his for ignoring you as a human being)

it isn't about whether you clearly said no to things - you never said yes to them, because he never really asked you, he just went ahead and did it. the onus is on him to ask if he wants to have sex or do something a bit more BDSM or whatever, and then for you to decide if you want to say yes or no (freely decide, without threats or sulking or whatever from him). the problem isn't that you didn't express your boundaries or say no clearly enough, because he never cared to ask you.

I say all this, as someone who is rubbish with her own boundaries and has gone along with plenty of sex/rougher sexual activities I didn't want because I was scared to say no. But I'm learning now.

You need to leave him, because it's only going to get worse, and it's already pretty bad right now.

See this? This is what consent is all about:

In terms of what you're experiencing, he's not only pouring hot tea all over you, he's using the kettle as well. This is Not OK.

“So either he's not a decent person, he doesn't want help and therefore you shouldn't be with him. Or he absolutely can help it but chooses to do whatever he wants just because he can, in which case he's not a decent person and you shouldn't be with him.”

Excellently put

He’s an entitled, porn obsessed, Daley piece of shit who needs reported, if it’s not you it’ll be someone else and I can’t see this pattern of behaviour changing

Rapey not Daley

@Whattheactualfk

I'm surprised by the responses as I felt I gave him mixed signals by not explicitly refusing sex, and later faking orgasm.

We have had other incidents. Once I got upset he was texting during sex so I got out of bed, then he pulled me back into bed and continued having sex with me until he noticed I was crying and stopped. We have rough sex and have incorporated spanking before, but once he took off his belt and hit me during sex and I felt very overwhelmed. He also bites me quite a lot and when I look at myself in the mirror the bruises frighten me..but I haven't asked him to stop and sometimes the biting is OK/sexy?

I know I go along with stuff without expressing what I really want.. I guess I feel i don't have a say and worry he won't want me if I don't do what he likes.

Rape is the absent of consent not just if they women says no.