Partner irritated by all children... will he like his?

[CharlieL21]

I've been with my partner 11 years and we're 33/34 so need to think about having children soon.

I feel like he's never going to reach a place where he thinks he wants them - he's always said he does, but it's always "in a few years". His sister has a 2 year old and a 6 month old and he gets massively irritated as soon as they arrive. I agree with him, it's not the kids themselves but he hates that the whole adult conversation stops and everything is only about them thing. They're the first grandchildren so everyone's a bit obsessed and act like they're the the prettiest, cleverest etc kids ever born.

That's fair enough but recently after a few beers he told his parents he doesn't want to come for Christmas this year until the evening once his niece and nephew are gone/asleep. When the 2 year old walks up to him with a pretend cup of tea etc he panics and just pretends she's not there as doesn't know how to interact with her.

I've always assumed that it'll be different with your own. I don't particularly like other people's kids either but I've worked with children and got attached then. My mum is insisting if he can't bond with his niece/nephew then it's a sign he'd never bond with his own and just get fed up and leave us.

Anyone else been in this scenario and can share what the outcome was with their own children? I don't have a great relationship/upbringing with my family and they put down everyone so I'm hoping they're just wrong, but I'm scared I'm looking at our future with rose tinted glasses

There is a difference in feeling awkward around children and being actively irritated by them. I imagine this man will resent the change to his life a baby would bring. All the women saying that this was them are a different thing altogether, women are more likely to take more responsibility for nurturing the children and therefore connecting due to time invested, etc. Men can and often do step away from day to day parenting. In my experience anyway. I wouldn't even think of having a family with this man until he changes his mind and comes to you with the idea to start trying. Don't try and cajole him into it, that will end in tears.

The level of his issue with children is worrying. Mine was a bit awkward with other people’s DC but would have taken the pretend cup of tea and played along - awkwardly. But he would never have refused to visit at Christmas while children are there. That is a pretty extreme response. I’ve never met any bloke who has said that.
My DB found his wife’s nieces a bit much at Christmas and would pop out for a 30 minute stroll ‘for fresh air’ when they were really hyped up on Christmas Day but he would never have refused to go.
You need to ask him straight out.

@Comedycook

I think it shows a mean spirit...I can understand people who don't want kids, it's a valid choice but to not even be an enthusiastic, fun uncle for a couple of hours at family events is pretty dismal

This. I CBA with other people's kids, but I would never hurt a child's feelings. It's not the lack of paternal instinct that's the worry - it's his unkindness.

Not liking kids is one thing, but refusing to spend time with family at christmas to avoid a niece and nephew goes well beyond that IMO!

^ This. If you want DC, I don’t think you’ll have to accept that it won’t be with this partner. Not when he can’t bear to be around kids at all.

Sorry, that was meant to say, ‘I think you’ll have to accept that it won’t be with this partner.’

I’m with your mum.

Even my ex who didn’t want kids could muster up a smile and a bit of enthusiasm for children who were in our families.

Not knowing what to do with kids or feeling nervous to hold a baby is normal, actively wanting to avoid a 2yr old and 6m old is really different. He can’t bear to be around them. It’s not like he doesn’t enjoy being around random badly behaved terrors, he actually can’t stand being near a tiny toddler and a baby!

That, coupled with his reluctant to have kids, combine to suggest if he did have them it’d be an uphill battle and he would have a high chance of being a shit dad.

Think about it... has he ever actually said to you if can’t wait to have kids, be a dad’? Or vague noises about maybe someday? The former is someone who wants kids. The latter is someone who doesn’t want them but feels as though he has to say he wants them...

This really doesn’t look good, OP.

Your partner sounds more child-averse than me and I’m childfree by choice. I never wanted to have children and I’m not comfortable around them. I only ever held my nephew once, for about 30 seconds, and I couldn’t wait for mum to take him back. I can put up with the children of friends & family in small doses, but I’m relieved to get away from them.

You need to have a serious, honest conversation with your partner about whether he will ever be ready to be a parent. It’s highly likely that he won’t, and then you will have very difficult choices to make. Don’t leave it too late.

Good luck.

There’s a massive difference between not being that interested in or good with kids and how your boyfriend is.

I wouldn’t really expect someone like this to be a warm and loving person. He’s certainly not a kind person.

Don’t marry someone who isn’t kind.

He is future faking you.

He doesn't want kids.

Your mum is right.

Take off the rose tinted spectacles and think how awful it would be for a child growing up with the feeling their dad didn't really want them.

have you pointed this out to him. Sounds like you need to make time for a proper talk about this. Encourage honesty. Its important. What does he actually want.
Might be a bit awkward at first, but you need to know.

How much do you want children yourself?

I suspect you’re going to ignore all the sensible advice on here about not having children with a reluctant man, push him into having a child/children because that’s the easier choice than ending the relationship and finding a new one with someone who does want kids, then be back on here posting that he promised you he’d love and care for them but you’re doing everything by yourself while he avoids spending any time with the child/children. I’d put money on it.

I bet on this too. Too many women are frankly irresponsible with who they choose to be their children's fathers. I feel so sorry for the kids involved who have to suffer all the consequences of these women's decisions. Pushing on to have kids with a man who you've SEEN treat innocent children, including his own family members, with such cruel indifference and avoidance would be downright selfish and irresponsible. It's actually quite telling that the OP is even still with him.

The thing is, it’s a massive gamble isn’t it?

What happens if he hates his own child as much as his niece and nephew? He can’t avoid them like he plans to avoid his relatives this Christmas. Your own kids are 24/7 and yes everything does revolve around their needs for the early years BECAUSE THEY ARE CHILDREN. Ignoring their needs is neglect.

Yes some men are nervous and inexperienced and anxious about becoming a father. Your husband doesn’t sound like one of them - he sounds like a man who only cares about his own wants and needs, to the extent he can’t even pretend to take a pretend cup of tea from a 2 year old. That’s pretty shit.

I found kids annoying and irritating. I adore my own and since having them have found an (exhausted) patience with other kids, in 'you put up with mine, I'll put up with yours' sort of way.

He sounds like me, I've known since I was a child myself I didn't want kids and, while I would be too worried about appearing like a dick and offending people to actually say it, deep down I too would prefer to spend time around my family when their children weren't around. I don't like children or know how to interact with them (the blind panic when his niece tried to give him an imaginary cup resonated with me) but that is why I'm not having any.

I feel extremely fortunate to have met a man who also doesn't want them because it's really not something that should be "compromised" on from either side imo. It sounds to me like your partner far more than just ambivalent about the idea. It's shame if your relationship has been otherwise good but if you 100% want children I don't think you'll get them with him, and if he "gives in" he might end up grumpy and resentful and nobody will be happy.

Oh, also I was fortunate to be an only child myself so haven't had any awkward niece/nephew encounters Thank god for that for everyone's sake!

I wasn't great with kids, I especially hated them trying to play with me when in company as I felt like everyone was watching every move I made. I wasn't sure I wanted kids but after 9 years together I suddenly changed and my kids are the best thing to ever have happened to me. I still struggle with other peoples kids though.

@SarahDarah

I suspect you’re going to ignore all the sensible advice on here about not having children with a reluctant man, push him into having a child/children because that’s the easier choice than ending the relationship and finding a new one with someone who does want kids, then be back on here posting that he promised you he’d love and care for them but you’re doing everything by yourself while he avoids spending any time with the child/children. I’d put money on it.

I bet on this too. Too many women are frankly irresponsible with who they choose to be their children's fathers. I feel so sorry for the kids involved who have to suffer all the consequences of these women's decisions. Pushing on to have kids with a man who you've SEEN treat innocent children, including his own family members, with such cruel indifference and avoidance would be downright selfish and irresponsible. It's actually quite telling that the OP is even still with him.

I totally agree. It's why the cycle of dysfunction seemingly never will end.

Choice of bio father is the most important decision a woman ever will make, and so many are careless and short sighted. It's beyond discouraging.

He sounds like me before I had kids. Now that I have kids, he still sounds like me (with other people's kids).

OP After 11 years why are you not married to this man?

@AnyFucker

You are not listening to him

He doesn’t want children

Absolutely this. You should believe in what he shows you.

You appear to be doing a lot of thinking and hoping on your boyfriend's behalf.

He has given no firm indication of a time frame ("in a few years" in an 11 year relationship when you are both in your 30s is a non-answer) and appears to be incapable or unwilling to interract with children in his own family.

You have said he takes time to make small decisions but you are 11 years in...

I hate the "stop everything, the child is doing something" parenting style, but I can still interact with and engage with said child.

Honestly, your posts read as though you are just going to hope that he snaps out of it eventually, by which time you may be desperate for a family and he's just decided that he doesn't want the fuss. If you don't seek a firm answer now and make your decisions accordingly, you are knowingly setting yourself up for heartache.

Getting irritated by his own nieces/nephews when he must hardly spend any time with them anyway, is very different to feeling awkward around them or not knowing what to do with them. He's also very uncompromising and lacking empathy if he can't hide his feelings briefly on the few occasions he meets his family's kids. None of this seems like the traits of someone who will adapt to the chaos children bring, or the disruption to his lifestyle. Or even point to patient, caring parenting.

You are confusing loving his own children, to being able to live with them. He may love his own children, and still hate having to look after them daily. How does he cope with large life changes normally? Does he care for or nurture anyone else - pets, ailing relatives etc? If his life revolves around what suits him best, and what will cause minimal inconvenience where he doesn't have to think of anyone else - he will not, and cannot be a good father.

I love my children but I'm not particularly fussed about other people's children. I don't even like to hold someone else's baby.
However it doesn't matter how annoying you may find them, if a 2 year old hands you a cup of tea, you drink it!

Listen to your mum.

Having kids with his man would be a totally miserable experience. Babies are bloody hard work, they will test a relationship to it's limits. How will you feel when you are doing all the caring, night feeds, nappies etc and he's not that interested or worse, irritated by the mess and noise? Being disregarded and frankly unwanted by their father would incredibly damaging for your DC too.

If you stay with him, it needs to be because you have accepted you will childless with him.

A grown man who can’t even muster a simple ‘thank you’ to his two year old niece who is bringing him a pretend cup of tea is clearly an emotionless, rude person. It really doesn’t take much to acknowledge her. I honestly don’t know why would you even want a child with him.