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Original poster

Partner irritated by all children... will he like his?

129 replies

CharlieL21 · 22/06/2021 23:44

I've been with my partner 11 years and we're 33/34 so need to think about having children soon.

I feel like he's never going to reach a place where he thinks he wants them - he's always said he does, but it's always "in a few years". His sister has a 2 year old and a 6 month old and he gets massively irritated as soon as they arrive. I agree with him, it's not the kids themselves but he hates that the whole adult conversation stops and everything is only about them thing. They're the first grandchildren so everyone's a bit obsessed and act like they're the the prettiest, cleverest etc kids ever born.

That's fair enough but recently after a few beers he told his parents he doesn't want to come for Christmas this year until the evening once his niece and nephew are gone/asleep. When the 2 year old walks up to him with a pretend cup of tea etc he panics and just pretends she's not there as doesn't know how to interact with her.

I've always assumed that it'll be different with your own. I don't particularly like other people's kids either but I've worked with children and got attached then. My mum is insisting if he can't bond with his niece/nephew then it's a sign he'd never bond with his own and just get fed up and leave us.

Anyone else been in this scenario and can share what the outcome was with their own children? I don't have a great relationship/upbringing with my family and they put down everyone so I'm hoping they're just wrong, but I'm scared I'm looking at our future with rose tinted glasses Confused

OP posts:
Veryverycalmnow · 23/06/2021 08:29

Some of these replies are awful. Remember that OP was asking here for some advice and reassurance- not a character assassination. IMO people change their minds when they have their own kids. But people are all different and can surprise us. Things aren't as black and white as many people are suggesting. I realised my DH's moaning about other people's kids was partly because we were struggling to conceive our own and he was trying in his clumsy way to soften the blow.

supermoonrising · 23/06/2021 08:29

I cannot imagine a man who isn't a loving uncle being a good father. I'm sorry.

But there’s a difference between not wanting to go the extra mile for a relatives kids who you effectively have zero responsibility for, and recognizing your duties as a parent (including engaging in play, showing patience etc) for your own children for who you have 100% responsibility.

Tangled22 · 23/06/2021 08:38

Lots of women have replied saying "I never liked children, but now I'm pregnant/had a child and I love my own". I'm sorry but that's completely different, and not the question the OP asked. As a PP said, a woman has hormones/endorphins/pregnancy/bf and natural instinct to love her own child.

A man who has no interest in children is completely different, I'm afraid. We see enough threads on MN demonstrating how some fathers are able to completely walk away from their children, as if they never cared. Or agree to see them once a month, and then not show up. Women rarely do this.

OP would be better off listening to the posters who have experienced reluctant fathers, as that's the question being asked.

unicornpower · 23/06/2021 08:39

I'm not great with other peoples children tbh OP, I don't have Nieces or Nephews so i suppose i may be better with those but i find entertaining other peoples children quite hard work, and it IS hard when you want a catch up with friends and all talk reverts to their children or they keep interrupting etc BUT its also to be expected and you can't avoid family/friends just because they have children!

I'm currently pregnant and i already feel totally different about our baby and i'm sure ill be a pro at make believe tea parties in a few years (still probably won't enjoy it though!) i was always adamant i wanted children though and was keen to try as soon as i hit my 30's so the fact hes stalling might be a red flag?

Tangled22 · 23/06/2021 08:41

@supermoonrising

I cannot imagine a man who isn't a loving uncle being a good father. I'm sorry.

But there’s a difference between not wanting to go the extra mile for a relatives kids who you effectively have zero responsibility for, and recognizing your duties as a parent (including engaging in play, showing patience etc) for your own children for who you have 100% responsibility.

Oh for sure. But "he gets massively irritated as soon as they arrive", "he panics and just pretends she's not there", turning up at Christmas after 7pm so you don't have to see a child, is not not wanting to go the extra mile.. It's not going any miles at all. It's not even going a centimetre. It's not even recognising a child as a human worthy of your attention, frankly.
Colourmeclear · 23/06/2021 08:42

If he wants children he needs to decide to be involved. He can't just opt out and let you do everything. It sounds like he would tolerate his own children but not engage with them.

My Dad ignored me because he didn't know how to interact all throughout my childhood and I'm still quite messed up from it tbh.

Notsurewhattodo3 · 23/06/2021 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aggathapanthus · 23/06/2021 08:46

I felt the same way before we had ours. They’re brilliant, best thing we ever did. Still not overly keen on other people’s, though.

minipie · 23/06/2021 08:49

Someone who is so selfish that he cannot make himself respond nicely when a toddler offers him a pretend cup of tea, and is going to arrive late at Christmas to avoid interacting with his own niece and nephew - this is not good father material.

Even if you persuade him to have children OP, prepare yourself for doing all the parenting solo. He’ll be one of those dads who develops intensely time consuming hobbies.

Comedycook · 23/06/2021 08:53

I think it shows a mean spirit...I can understand people who don't want kids, it's a valid choice but to not even be an enthusiastic, fun uncle for a couple of hours at family events is pretty dismal

davidrosejumper · 23/06/2021 08:56

To be honest, I know several people who feel indifferent about other people's children, but then came to love their own. But I don't know many people for who this indifference to 'other children' would extend to their own family. The fact he does not like his first niece and nephew to the extent he does not interact at all with them and tries to avoid them, would give me pause. What you describe is not just not knowing how to interact with them, but actively trying to avoid them, as is the case with the Christmas scenario.

You have been together for a long time, and becoming single in your thirties can be a scary prospect (although I know people who became single then, and found a lovely partner to settle down with anyway, who was on the same page as they were). If children is truly something you want, it is time to get some clarity from your partner, and to put down an ultimatum for an answer. Either he commits to this idea and you guys start trying this summer, or he doesn't, and you have your own decision to make on whether to stay or leave.

On those saying you may end up a single mum, you will survive. There are women having babies by themselves every day nowadays, and there are sadly many people whose marriage falls apart while they have kids. The vast majority of women makes it work, so I would not be too worried about the potential scenario of going it alone, if you have the support network to do so.

MinimumChips · 23/06/2021 08:57

He sounds a bit like me before dc. I knew I wanted them, but didn’t like children per se and certainly didn’t adore my niece and nephew. They were irritating and took over everything. I wanted kids because I wanted to experience being a parent, rather than just being an aunt or friend. But I didn’t want to hang out with other people’s dc - even family. Tbh that is still the case! I like and care for my kids friends but don’t particularly want to hang out with young kids (dc1 is 11 now and his friends are fascinating people a v different to spending time with preschoolers!). The difference to your situation was my dh would never have made that request about Christmas to family and nor would I. We kept our dislike for kid talk to ourselves.

I think in your position I’d sit down and lay your cards on the table. You want children, you want to start trying (and I would start if you are financially in a position to do so, to allow time for problems or spacing out babies if you want more than one). Ask him simply and clearly, is he on board? Be clear in your own mind before you have this conversation what you will do if the answer is no. And don’t accept “not now, maybe in 2 years” as an answer. Because he has forever to make this decision but it’s decision time now for you. If his answer is no or maybe in a few years, you need to move on.

Daisiesarebeautiful · 23/06/2021 08:58

Your mum's right. Never have kids with a reluctant man. You'll either end up a single parent or doing all the parenting within your relationship because 'you wanted kids'. Also very unhealthy environment for a child to grow up in with a reluctant parent.

And those saying oh he'll love his own kids. You absolutely don't know that, you're coming from a woman's perspective. Carrying and birthing a child generally ensures a bond, different for men.

thefourgp · 23/06/2021 09:08

I suspect you’re going to ignore all the sensible advice on here about not having children with a reluctant man, push him into having a child/children because that’s the easier choice than ending the relationship and finding a new one with someone who does want kids, then be back on here posting that he promised you he’d love and care for them but you’re doing everything by yourself while he avoids spending any time with the child/children. I’d put money on it. I feel guilty for not choosing a better father for my children and you will too. I agree with what Tangled22 said below.

Lots of women have replied saying "I never liked children, but now I'm pregnant/had a child and I love my own". I'm sorry but that's completely different, and not the question the OP asked. As a PP said, a woman has hormones/endorphins/pregnancy/bf and natural instinct to love her own child.

A man who has no interest in children is completely different, I'm afraid. We see enough threads on MN demonstrating how some fathers are able to completely walk away from their children, as if they never cared. Or agree to see them once a month, and then not show up. Women rarely do this.

OP would be better off listening to the posters who have experienced reluctant fathers, as that's the question being asked.

Constellationstation · 23/06/2021 09:44

He sounds selfish and horrible, I wouldn’t want to be with him let alone have children with him.

StarlingsDarlings · 23/06/2021 10:07

His reaction to his nieces/ nephews wouldn’t worry me too much - the god like worship of the first grandchild/ren can get a bit much. The repeated conversations about how advanced and clever they are.

However… the fact you’ve been together so long and it has been postponed repeatedly. Huge red flag that he doesn’t want kids at all and is dragging his feet in the hopes you will give up. Is that the sort of father you want for your children? Or do you want someone who is just as excited and joyful at starting a family as you are?

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 23/06/2021 10:09

I didn’t want to spend time with kids before I had my own. Didn’t know what to do with them and pretend play was (and still is) my idea of hell.

Chamomileteaplease · 23/06/2021 10:17

When the 2 year old walks up to him with a pretend cup of tea etc he panics and just pretends she's not there as doesn't know how to interact with her.

That is just cruel! A two year old Sad. How hard it is to just say "thank you darling".

minipie · 23/06/2021 10:30

Exactly chamomileteaplease. Bluntly he just doesn’t sound very nice. I never enjoyed spending time with children much before having my own, but would have had the basic decency to respond nicely to that sort of interaction.

EveryoneIsThere · 23/06/2021 10:36

I don’t think it’s enough for you to hope he will be ok with his own kids. It is very different with your own kids but just as he might find them 100 times more endearing and loveable he might also find them more irritating. I love my kids to bits but there were moments when it all got a bit much.
I don’t think it’s unusual for women to have kids with partners who are not 100% committed to having them but I don’t think that it’s a good idea. It’s deeply unfair on the children and the partner.
You should only ever have kids when you both want them.
He reaction to his nephews and nieces sounds unkind and a bit weird. They could well be irritating but that doesn’t mean he should ignore them.

TotorosCatBus · 23/06/2021 11:07

Best case scenario - you became a mum who has to do all the child related stuff because he is constantly irritated. You won't be able to leave them with him so you can get a haircut or anything.

This is a major red flag imo. The best bit about being an uncle or friend is that you get to hang out with kids in small doses and not deal with the boring bits like nappies and discipline.

I can't believe that he didn't drink the pretend pretend cuppa and say thanks Sad I hope that he doesn't become a parent for a long time as it will be crushing for the child to know how irritating they are to their Dad.

OffRampHilton · 23/06/2021 11:22

“My boyfriend does not like hamsters. When a hamster approaches him, he panics and does not interact with it. He’s told his mother that he will only come for Christmas in the evening time once all the hamsters have gone to bed.

Should I buy him a hamster?”

minipie · 23/06/2021 11:26

@OffRampHilton

“My boyfriend does not like hamsters. When a hamster approaches him, he panics and does not interact with it. He’s told his mother that he will only come for Christmas in the evening time once all the hamsters have gone to bed.

Should I buy him a hamster?”

😂. quite
OrangeSoda2021 · 23/06/2021 11:31

It's a risk

SVRT19674 · 23/06/2021 11:43

OP I think you should take on board what almost everyone is telling you. I have never been a gushing visitor to kids, most bore me, except certain kiddos who I find amusing. One such was a little cousin of mine. But even I would never ignore a kid addressing me and would pretend play if they came up to me. It is basic decency. I think he isnt being honest with you, and perhaps with himself. It is time to have that chat in depth.