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Original poster

Partner irritated by all children... will he like his?

129 replies

CharlieL21 · 22/06/2021 23:44

I've been with my partner 11 years and we're 33/34 so need to think about having children soon.

I feel like he's never going to reach a place where he thinks he wants them - he's always said he does, but it's always "in a few years". His sister has a 2 year old and a 6 month old and he gets massively irritated as soon as they arrive. I agree with him, it's not the kids themselves but he hates that the whole adult conversation stops and everything is only about them thing. They're the first grandchildren so everyone's a bit obsessed and act like they're the the prettiest, cleverest etc kids ever born.

That's fair enough but recently after a few beers he told his parents he doesn't want to come for Christmas this year until the evening once his niece and nephew are gone/asleep. When the 2 year old walks up to him with a pretend cup of tea etc he panics and just pretends she's not there as doesn't know how to interact with her.

I've always assumed that it'll be different with your own. I don't particularly like other people's kids either but I've worked with children and got attached then. My mum is insisting if he can't bond with his niece/nephew then it's a sign he'd never bond with his own and just get fed up and leave us.

Anyone else been in this scenario and can share what the outcome was with their own children? I don't have a great relationship/upbringing with my family and they put down everyone so I'm hoping they're just wrong, but I'm scared I'm looking at our future with rose tinted glasses Confused

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 23/06/2021 03:52

I'm 90% sure a lot of it is feeling anxious around them as he doesn't know what to do, it doesn't mean he wouldn't love his own.

But if he doesn't want DC, you most likely are not going yo find out? Or are you planning on having them anyway and just letting him off any parenting because, you know, he never wanted them?

Doesn't sound good, does it?

Lampan · 23/06/2021 04:00

I think there is a large proportion of men who ‘want’ kids cos in reality they won’t be sacrificing as much as their partner and therefore don’t think it through in the same way. So a man can tell his partner he wants kids ‘one day’ when in reality he hasn’t given it a lot of thought and maybe just assumes that at some point he will have them cos that’s the ‘norm’ or whatever. And some men will go along with it when the time comes and enjoy being a father, while others (and there seem to be plenty of posts on here to prove it) can’t deal with the realities of life with kids.

I don’t know for sure but I don’t think men seem to feel the same biological urge to have kids in the way some women describe. So the number of men who actually genuinely want children and have thought it through properly is likely to be smaller than the number of women who feel the same.

In terms of your partner, maybe he thought at some point he would be happy to have kids but now that it’s becoming a reality he’s not as on board as he thought he would be. I agree with posters saying don’t have kids with him. I (female) feel a similar way towards children as he seems to and I really can’t be sure I would feel any differently if I had my own. I think anyone who feels like this would enjoy a life without kids more than one with them.

oannic · 23/06/2021 05:14

OP don't listen to the messages.
I am currently pg with my first child and i am so so happy and excited but honestly the kids of friends and strangers really really annoy me and i also avoid them.😄
i just don't have the patience for them ..The only kid that i love is my nephew (my sister's kid).

So really..it means absolutely nothing.

Tuberoses · 23/06/2021 05:50

I’d say at this point you’re pushing it to find another partner in time to have kids. So your choices are limited, it’s probably either have kids with him or don’t have any. I absolutely hate kids but I adore my own. Can’t say I’m the best parent though, I can be grumpy and impatient - but kids have worse parents.

category12 · 23/06/2021 05:52

I feel like he's never going to reach a place where he thinks he wants them - he's always said he does, but it's always "in a few years".

Thing is, his fertility window is not shrinking in the way yours is.

If you want children and he doesn't, you really need this clarified. Otherwise he may piss on your chances.

If it turns out to be a no, will you choose him or want to look for someone to have children with?

category12 · 23/06/2021 05:56

@Tuberoses

I’d say at this point you’re pushing it to find another partner in time to have kids. So your choices are limited, it’s probably either have kids with him or don’t have any. I absolutely hate kids but I adore my own. Can’t say I’m the best parent though, I can be grumpy and impatient - but kids have worse parents.
She's got time to find someone else and have children, she's only 33. She just doesn't have time to dither around on waiting "another few years" on this guy and then finding out he doesn't want kids.
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/06/2021 05:57

You don’t have to love other peoples kids to be a parent but to be so intolerant to his own niece and nephew would worry me. Sounds like he doesn’t want his life disrupted, I don’t think he wants to be a parent.

justanotherneighinparadise · 23/06/2021 06:06

This is a guy that doesn’t like or want kids. Listen to him. He’s not Father material.

Alfxn · 23/06/2021 06:12

Honestly OP, he could go either way with his own kids. But he's going to extreme lengths in order to organise avoiding his own niece and nephew at Christmas... and it's only June right now. That really is fairly extreme on the disliking kids spectrum.

But really the bigger issue is whether he's going to be one of those men who strings alone his other half for their entire 30's with promises of "one day"/"in a few years", and then dumps you when it's too late for you to start again. This has happened to so many women on here that it's scary.

(And even worse, often those men go on to have kids of their own with a new, younger partner afterwards! I can't imagine how painful that is for the original partner).

I think you need to have a serious chat and if he's not ready to start TTC within a VERY specific time frame (eg 12 months), get out and find someone who actually wants children... Or else make peace with potentially never having them.

Newmum29 · 23/06/2021 06:17

It’s normal not to like friends kids or colleagues kids or strangers kids. But your own nieces/nephews is a bit odd and the fact it’s a 6MO and a 2YO worries me. Some people love babies some prefer toddlers. Some hate both. Yes it’s probably different with your own but if he can’t bear to spend Xmas day with them (it’s one day..) and sounds jealous at the attention they get from other people it’s a red flag. Before I had a child I swore I wouldn’t be that mum who can’t talk about anything else and or focus on other things when they’re present but it’s almost impossible. Especially in the newborn phase.

MotherOfCrocodiles · 23/06/2021 06:25

I was like that before I had my kids

But if he is unwelcoming of kids on his family it is going to be awkward when he has his own and wants his family to welcome them. Hope his sister is magnanimous....

MotherOfCrocodiles · 23/06/2021 06:27

Should add I love my kids now and don't mind other people's kids either- before, I didn't know how to interact with them. Still struggle a bit with kids older than my own for the same reason

pollylocketpickedapocket · 23/06/2021 06:47

I can’t fucking stand any kids except my own. And even though she is the most beautiful and smartest child on the planet she does my bloody head in too!

Itsprobablynotcominghome · 23/06/2021 06:50

I think just talk to him?

Can’t you gauge whether he is genuine or not? I know people are good at lying but surely deep down you must know if he is sincere when he says he wants children?

I’d get on the same page, actually no, I’d make sure you are on the same page. (No one should change their views on something like this to accommodate the other).

If he loves you and knows having children is what you’ve always wanted, then marrying you was part of this. Otherwise he has just misled you and doesn’t respect or care about you.

SheepGoBaaaa · 23/06/2021 06:52

Ok, you keep hoping then.

Oysterbabe · 23/06/2021 06:52

I was a bit like that before I had them, not to the extent that I would avoid my own relatives though. I like all kids now I have my own and understand them a bit more.

You need to pin him down on when if he actually does want them. He needs to understand that fertility is not a given and the clock is ticking. What are you waiting for exactly?

Dozer · 23/06/2021 06:56

Not liking kids is one thing, but refusing to spend time with family at christmas to avoid a niece and nephew goes well beyond that IMO!

Given your age and that you want DC wouldn’t wit any more time before having some difficult conversations. Eg who would do the night parenting and (substantial) additional domestic work, paid work, marriage etc. (Unless you’re independently wealthy marriage is advisable before DC as most mothers face a big financial penalty).

A sizeable minority of men - whatever their prior stated opinions about DC - are, after becoming fathers, unwilling to work hard at parenting, do a fair share of domestic work and to be nice to their partner.

AnyFucker · 23/06/2021 06:57

You are not listening to him

He doesn’t want children

Backthewaywecame · 23/06/2021 06:59

My ex was like this. He could pretend to tolerate a child for about one minute which is what he did when he had his own and then ignored them. When we split up he said, you knew what I was like Confused.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 23/06/2021 07:00

Tbh I think you’re focusing on the wrong issue here OP. He’s said he doesn’t want kids and you do. You think he’d love his own - well maybe but he’s said he doesn’t want his own.

You’re approaching mid 30s and still have plenty of time to have kids but not if you spend another few years trying and possibly failing to persuade a reluctant guy to have them

This is about you not him. What do you want?

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 23/06/2021 07:05

I don't know your dp, but I was the same and kind of still am even though I now have a child!
We had all that, the world standing still to be ruled over by a toddler when my niece was little , I did stop going to family gatherings! I parent differently when ds was little if he played up at the table I'd say OK off you go and he'd watch something on tv yo let the adults finish their meal in peace .he's 7 now we don't have that issue
I still don't like being around other peoples kids all that much , I get on like a house on fire with my niece though, now she is 13 !
Not everyone is an earth mother/ Mr Tumble character .
Things you need to look at are does your dp do his share at home? Would he rather be out with his mates than with you ? Does he have hobbies 5 nights a week? These things matter more when having kids

ChaToilLeam · 23/06/2021 07:09

Doesn’t sound like he wants them. Cut your losses while you have time.

Standrewsschool · 23/06/2021 07:10

There’s another thread about a 31 year old who dp of 12 years doesn’t want children. Maybe you should read that thread. The advice generally on that thread was to leave and start afresh.

Standrewsschool · 23/06/2021 07:10

other thread

Butterfly44 · 23/06/2021 07:12

It's VERY different when it's your own children. Not the same as having someone else's. But you are either maternal or not to decide if you want a child. And of course you need a partner on the same page. It is a big deal, relationships break down because of it.