Partner irritated by all children... will he like his?

[CharlieL21]

I've been with my partner 11 years and we're 33/34 so need to think about having children soon.

I feel like he's never going to reach a place where he thinks he wants them - he's always said he does, but it's always "in a few years". His sister has a 2 year old and a 6 month old and he gets massively irritated as soon as they arrive. I agree with him, it's not the kids themselves but he hates that the whole adult conversation stops and everything is only about them thing. They're the first grandchildren so everyone's a bit obsessed and act like they're the the prettiest, cleverest etc kids ever born.

That's fair enough but recently after a few beers he told his parents he doesn't want to come for Christmas this year until the evening once his niece and nephew are gone/asleep. When the 2 year old walks up to him with a pretend cup of tea etc he panics and just pretends she's not there as doesn't know how to interact with her.

I've always assumed that it'll be different with your own. I don't particularly like other people's kids either but I've worked with children and got attached then. My mum is insisting if he can't bond with his niece/nephew then it's a sign he'd never bond with his own and just get fed up and leave us.

Anyone else been in this scenario and can share what the outcome was with their own children? I don't have a great relationship/upbringing with my family and they put down everyone so I'm hoping they're just wrong, but I'm scared I'm looking at our future with rose tinted glasses

I really dislike other people's children. I struggle to interact with them etc. Love and enjoy my own dc

@GiantToadstool

Hmm could go either way. What does he say when you discuss it with him? Is he clearly not wanting them?

He could fall in love after having them... or not! My dad sounds like your partner - he has kids to keep my mum happy. He still resents us...

This. Could go either way.

@Stichintime

I thought people had children because they liked them? I'd expect him to want to spend time with his niece and nephew. He sounds too self centred to be a parent. I wouldn't risk having children with him.

I don’t have any nieces or nephews so I’m not sure of the relationship that people generally have with them, but I imagine that they would still count as ‘other people’s children’ to someone who’s not overly keen on children in general.

However I personally wouldn’t want to have children with someone who didn’t like them (if I was fairly certain that they would like their own!) so it would be a dealbreaker for me.

It could go either way. My grandma said that my grandfather was just the same. He was 50 when my mother was born. He never wanted kids. My grandmother was desperate so he agreed for her.

My grandfather turned out to be an amazing dad. Loved every minute of it. He was patient, fun, loved teaching things to my mum. Considering his age and generation, he was massively involved. He adored my mum and my mum adored him. It's actually my grandma who found it much more difficult. She was happy to be a mum and loved my mum but really struggled with the loss of her freedom.

Sadly, I also know friends who were convinced their partner would turn around with their own kids and never did, growing bitter when the dad didn't do much to help and calling them dead best dad when separated, but the truth was that they'd warned them that they didn't think they were dad's material.

Very difficult situation.

It’s the not liking his own niece and nephew that really sounds alarm bells. I was never keen on kids but I adored my niece from the moment I met her, and that was DH’s sister’s baby, not a blood relative to me - your DP doesn’t like his own sister’s children! How is he with the baby? Will he hold him at all or does he hand him back after an awkward stiff armed cuddle? Also - what adult can’t accept a pretend cup of tea from a 2 year old and say ooh lovely thank you. Ignoring her is like he doesn’t see her as a person.

You won’t know until you get there but if you do persuade him (bad idea) to have dc you’ll be doing all the work and he’ll be grumpily doing his own thing elsewhere and handing out grudging crumbs of attention. He doesn’t sound hands on and involved!

It's probably not useful to get the opinion of women here - they will say it was different with their own but there's a whole lot of hormones, endorphins, carrying baby for 9 months and bf that's involved in that. Possibly not even terribly accurate to get women who say their husbands were the same (did they really not want kids, I wonder what they feel deep down). This is a man who doesn't want kids and can't even pretend to take a plastic cup of tea. Even my awkward late teen nephew can manage that. I don't think this man is going to be a doting dad any time soon

He doesn't want children.

I don't particularly like other people's children but making Christmas arrangements to avoid his own niece and nephew is pretty extreme.

Sadly, I also know friends who were convinced their partner would turn around with their own kids and never did, growing bitter when the dad didn't do much to help and calling them dead best dad when separated, but the truth was that they'd warned them that they didn't think they were dad's material

Dsis's DP is/was like this.She issued an ultimatum at about your age. They have DCs, he is grumpy, he doesn't pull his weight. He loves them but they struggle every day. DCs are now 6&9.

You seem convinced he will change for his own children. But how are you going to convince him to even try for a baby that he believes he doesn’t want? It should be a mutual agreement or are you thinking of doing it without his agreement?

It’s quite extreme to not be able to take a cup of tea from a toddler and pretend to drink it.

If you think he genuinely panics, then some time with a child away from other adults might help him get over his self consciousness. Jut five minutes here and there. But what does he think about this? I think it’s him you need to be asking the questions.

I thought people had children because they liked them? I'd expect him to want to spend time with his niece and nephew.

I thought people had children because they had an animal instinct to reproduce and continue the species. I find other people’s children intensely irritating in general but I love my own and knew I’d regret not having them. I’m just good at pretending to like other people’s children for the sake of mine socialising now. Obviously I’d never confess to this in real life but it’s true.

This will go the same way many other stories go on here - man keeps claiming he "might" want kids "in a few years"....keeps deliberately putting it off and putting it off, and putting it off....suddenly partner finds she has now left it too late.

Having your own children is way, way harder, than just seeing visiting relatives. Its constant. You'll be the one left holding the baby, and changing the baby, feeding the baby every hour throughout the night, he'll be one of those men who resent almost immediately the presence of the baby, the constant crying, the night waking etc....and that's even IF he magical decides he wants children.

Good luck op, you'll need it.

All those people saying "I was like that before having kids" why did you have children if you were so virulently against being around them?

This man is planning, in June, but to visit his parents at Christmas until the children and his own siblings have left. And had already told his parents to plan for that. So did you all do the same kind of thing and then overnight decide you'd have a baby anyway?

His reactions sound extreme. Could he be jealous of the DCs relationship with his parents?
It really doesnt sound like he's dad material at all. Which means you either find someone else who is, get pregnant anyway and have a very unhappy father who does not pull his weight or walks away and a child who will come to realise his/her dad didnt want him. Your mum has a point.

Well if you do ever have dc with him, I can pretty much guarantee you'll do all the work and spend a lot of time trying to placate the children so they don't annoy him and trying to keep them out of his way. You will end up like those women who post on here who cannot go out without their dc because their husband won't look after the kids on his own.

Listen to your mum

I don't care much for children. They are annoying. I rarely find them cute. I do have two beautiful children of my own though. So yes it can be different with your own. However, you do not have the luxury of time. He might not find his own adorable. I really would think about ending the relationship.

I don’t think he’ll change personally. He sounds very immature and self-centred. What kind of person dislikes their own niece and nephew so much that they refuse to spend time somewhere at Christmas if the children are there? That’s horrible. Poor little man wants the world to revolve around him and is put out that small infants require attention.

If you really want children, I’d leave him - or tell him to give himself a big kick up the backside and interact with his niece and nephew. Then judge whether he’d be a good father. There’s a difference between being disinterested or nervous around children and disliking them so much you refuse to go to a family occasion. Nasty and weird.

@cocoloco987

It's probably not useful to get the opinion of women here - they will say it was different with their own but there's a whole lot of hormones, endorphins, carrying baby for 9 months and bf that's involved in that. Possibly not even terribly accurate to get women who say their husbands were the same (did they really not want kids, I wonder what they feel deep down). This is a man who doesn't want kids and can't even pretend to take a plastic cup of tea. Even my awkward late teen nephew can manage that. I don't think this man is going to be a doting dad any time soon

Exactly. The lack.of common sense with some OPs is shocking sometimes. Why would you even want to have kids with a man like that. His behaviour is terrible.

I don't understand how some women can make such irresponsible choices of men to have kids with. Then when things very likely go down the pan, the innocent child has to suffer an ambivalent role model father and likely a divorce and broken up family when the woman should never have had kids with such a man in the first place.

@Dazedandconfused10

He sounds like me, I don't want kids.

Same here. I don't like being around young children and probably wouldn't even if they were my own.

OP, don't mate with this man. It's not fair to any prospective children to saddle them with a resentful and begrudging father. Really, egregiously unfair.

I had NO interest in kids for years. Didn't understand them, didn't really "get" why people loved them on first meeting etc (even their actual parents!), didn't see why people had them.
Then my first niece was born, and it was that instant rush of love for me, and I GOT it. (I still didn't want my own, and didn't change my mind for several years, mind you!). Other peoples kids, nah, annoying and bothersome, but my nieces and nephews were a totally different matter.

This man not only doesn't like his own nieces and nephews, I would go so far as to say he severely dislikes/borderline hates them.

Your mum has just enough distance from the situation to see this more clearly than you can.... sorry OP, but of all the people who are likely to change when their own kids come along, he is not one of them.

My best friend's DH was like this. He was a shit dad and they are now divorced.

Surely having kids with this man would be a huge and very high stakes gamble?

From reading what you've written - no, you shouldn't have children with this man. But you're one of those posters who asks a question, and then only listens to all the responses that are saying what you want to hear.

The fact he can't even get through a basic interaction with a 2-year-old (and a blood relative at that), is a massive red flag. He "panics and just pretends she's not there"? It's a fake cup of tea, you say "oh thank you!" and pretend to drink it. It's not rocket science. I have an incredibly social and outgoing 2-year-old who will regularly chat up random strangers before we can stop her. She has never once come across an adult who wasn't able to respond in an appropriate manner (an "oh really? that's nice" and a smile). I really think the way you describe your husband is very very odd.

I also can't believe not wanting to see the children at Christmas, the one time of year that is for family... and then telling his parents, the kids grandparents, this. He sounds incredibly self-centred. It's not like they're boisterous/annoying/mouthy 6 and 8 year olds, it's one toddler and a baby. And he gets "massively irritated" when they arrive? I'm sorry, that's awful.

If he hates how adult conversation stops and everything becomes about children when they arrive, he will not be able to cope with how everything in your home and lives will be about children once his own children arrive. You can't just ignore a baby or toddler who needs your attention and continue an adult conversation, or continue his adult task. That is neglect. It'll be toys everywhere, children's tv on, children's needs coming first. Sounds like he'd either need a giant personality transplant to cope with that, or he will just leave you or shut himself in his office like a 1950s dad.

For what it's worth, one of the things that attracted me to my husband is that he's a fantastic, loving, involved uncle. He is now a fantastic father too. But it's still hard, and he still needs downtime sometimes - and that's from someone who loves kids. I cannot imagine a man who isn't a loving uncle being a good father. I'm sorry. I also can't imagine a family dynamic where he continues to dislike/ignore his children's cousins. Listen to your mum because she is right.

True that some people are just self conscious or lack confidence dealing with other children. Even some teachers struggle with “small talk” with kids in public setting. Men are taught by society to portray an image of “masculine” and “tough” so then suddenly having to go into cute funny mode when someone else’s kid(s) enter the room is a huge 180 for some men. Multiple comedies have been made on the very subject.

You know that old MN saying, when someone tells you who they are believe them.

This applies here. He is telling you he doesn't want kids. Listen.

FWIW, regardless of how he is with kids, if he is indecisive and takes so long to deliberate over minor decisions, don't have kids with him either. Because he will dither over every little thing and you'll end up carrying the mental load.

I agree with others in that he just doesn't want children but probably too cowardly to say it to your face.

We were married for twelve years before deciding it was the right decision to have a DC (by choice) but during that time we loved being with our nieces and nephews, lots of babysitting, having them to stay to give the DPs a break, taking them on days out and short holidays ... both of us volunteered with children's organisations so we absolutely knew what we were getting into .. one of the things that made me realise my DH would make a great Dad was seeing him interact with DC, taking a week's holiday to take a group of under privileged DC camping etc etc.

If you want DC, don't have with him in the 'hope' that he will enjoy them - and he sounds incredibly rude to his own family.