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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Seeing good friends ex

114 replies

lunklitdays · 21/06/2021 16:17

I have got myself in a bit of a situation that I could really do with some advice. I have told one of my friends in rl but due to the situation I don't feel there's anyone else I can talk to and I'm feeling really confused.

I met a man on Tinder, he didn't have a profile photo of himself just a meme that made me laugh. I live in a very small place where it's still seen as embarrassing to be on Tinder so lots of people don't put their picture up because of that.

We talked a maybe once a week for several weeks, just general chat, it was nice we got on really well. I didn't ask particular questions on who he was as I knew when he was ready he would let me know. Again how it is here (I did check he was single but it's never a given even if they do say yes, but I believed him).

He then put a picture up and I realised that he was one of my good friends ex's. I didn't actually meet him when they were together (about 2 years) as I'd just had a baby and didn't really see many people outside family, I also lived quite a distance from her.

I told him when I realised that I couldn't talk anymore it was all too close but I went and too much wine one night and messaged him. He came by (my children were with their dad) and we had a wonderful night. We've met up several times since, we get on so well, he's really lovely. But I feel awful, we haven't told anyone what's going on, I know I need to tell my friend but I feel that if nothing comes of it I'd have been causing upset for nothing. So I've just kept quiet.

They split up nearly 5 years ago, she's had relationships since, one long term but I know this would be hurtful, if it were me I know I'd be hurt. It's just we really like each other, I feel we could have 'something' if we could be honest. But I feel dreadful too. We've just had a great weekend but today I've been wracked with guilt, I'm happy but I feel awful. I think I need to stop it now.

Anyone ever been in the sane situation? Or can tell me what to do. It's really driving me crazy. Happy, then guilty. Sorry this is such a muddle.

OP posts:

seensome · 21/06/2021 16:36

It was five years ago and they were only together two years? if they were married with children I would say that's a bit difficult don't go there, were they just bf/gf?
How much of a good friend compared to how much you like him?
If she loved him and went through a bad break up then I can understand she wouldn't be too pleased, depends on whether she was that bothered about him?
Difficult one but if you want to remain friends with her then you won't be able to hide it if you were in a relationship with him.
If it was a best friend don't risk it.

At this stage, your just dating and your not doing anything wrong, five years has passed! See how it goes before mentioning anything.

Original poster

lunklitdays · 21/06/2021 17:30

Thanks for the reply @seensome.
They didn't have dc, never married. Not a great break up but not awful, they are still 'sort of' friends.

I consider her a really good friend but one I don't see often, you know what I mean? But when I do see her it's always lovely.

I know if I want to keep seeing him I need to tell her but it's going to be so hard. Then I think why rock the boat if in a month we've decided not to see each other again.

It's so awkward and so typical. I get waves of proper guilt. I knew what I was doing so I've only myself to blame. He (the new bf I guess) doesn't mind, he says just tell her but obviously it's easier for him.

What a bloody mess.

OP posts:

Gwenhwyfar · 21/06/2021 17:37

If it was five years ago, he's up for grabs isn't he?
The only thing is if you carry on seeing him for another month and don't tell her, she might then feel she's been made a fool of because you didn't tell her if you see what I mean. Particularly if she still talks to you about him.

BlueSurfer · 21/06/2021 17:40

Why don’t you say to her that you met him on Tinder, didn’t know who he was but now you do. See if she genuinely does mind and if your friendship is important enough to consider her feelings, then end things without being resentful.

Hawkins001 · 21/06/2021 17:44

I'd say keep it secret, then if you progress and look set to have a good relationship, could you then go "public" ?

Original poster

lunklitdays · 21/06/2021 17:46

Thank you @Gwenhwyfar, that's a good point, if it does carry on it will sound worse I didn't tell her sooner.

@BlueSurfer that's a good idea, see how she takes it and if she's really upset then end it without letting her know the extent of what has happened.

I know it's been 5 years which is a while, he says it's long enough for her to understand. But in the end she's still my friend and I value her more than him (just now).

OP posts:

seensome · 21/06/2021 17:50

I hope it goes ok, fingers crossed she is well over him and be pleased for you.

MadeForThis · 21/06/2021 17:50

How long were they together? Under a year would definitely be ok.

2-3 years plus I would struggle with it to be honest.

66babe · 21/06/2021 17:55

I'd be totally honest with her
Say can we talk ... you won't believe this ... then tell her the whole truth and see how she takes it ... if she's moved on she may be fine with it
If she's really upset then she'll tell you so and why
Then you decide who means more to you .. probably her
You may have a laugh about it and then include him in a FaceTime call and say we are talking about you .. something silly
Good luck whatever you decide

DumpyDonkey · 21/06/2021 18:28

I'd tell her that he was on tinder without a picture and that you then found out who it was. Say he has asked you out to dinner and you wanted to know how she would feel if you accepted.

Make sure he knows the story - and stick to it

CandyLeBonBon · 21/06/2021 18:31

I'm surprised you swiped on a profile with no picture!!!

wingingit987 · 21/06/2021 18:45

2 year is a serious relationship we wouldn't be friends after this

wobblywinelover · 21/06/2021 18:58

Are you sure he didn't target you just to get back at her and hurt her?

wobblywinelover · 21/06/2021 19:00

Sorry posted too soon. I know you say he didn't have a picture up but did you have yours up? (or anything else which would make you identifiable?) Like a pp said you are very brave swiping on a pic which is just a meme. Most of those types of profiles are married or attached men.

Bellendejour · 21/06/2021 19:08

If you thought it could go the distance would you choose him over her?

I kind of think you’re trying bolt the stable door after the horse has bolted. Presumably you’ve been sleeping together/spending weekends together like an early couple. If you pretend none of that has happened, you may preserve the friendship but it will be based on a lie. What if she found out somehow?

I think you need to say - sorry, this happened (how you met) and we’ve been seeing each other. I’m sorry I haven’t been honest about it. Be friends or don’t be friends but be honest.

MadMadMadamMim · 21/06/2021 19:20

@wingingit987

2 year is a serious relationship we wouldn't be friends after this

This.

Sorry, but if I discovered you were dating someone I'd spent two years with I wouldn't want to be friends with you any longer. You don't take up with the ex of a friend and expect to still hang out with them.

Most people would not be ok with it - and in your heart of hearts you know this, which is why you feel uncomfortable.

66babe · 21/06/2021 19:23

@MadMadMadamMim
Surely that depends on the individual circumstances? They may have just grown apart ? No bitterness / hurt / betrayal? I'm sure I saw OP say they are still friends so probably Facebook likes etc
I'd agree that her wishes would mean more to me than his so needs addressing soon
Good point made down the thread ... did you have a pic up? Surely he'd have recognised you and said something early on ?

MadMadMadamMim · 21/06/2021 19:33

@66babe

I still think it would be really awkward. Even without hurt and betrayal I'd feel really uncomfortable at a friend of mine sleeping with/dating someone I'd spent two years with. It's a long term relationship.

Aprilx · 21/06/2021 19:34

I would not continue a friendship with someone that started dating an ex of two years.

ChristmasFluff · 21/06/2021 19:39

You need to speak to her ASAP.

I had a friend who dated an ex of mine, - when we were together one day she asked me how I would feel about her dating him. I said I would be fine with it - it actually stung a bit, but she is a good friend, and I'd fallen hard for him, but really, I had no claim to him.

Looking back, it was probably a situation like yours - a lot more had gone on than I had known. But she phrased it in such a way that there was no need for the full story to come out - unless she asks you about it, of course. I assumed they'd bumped into eachother one day. Your friend might do the same.

Sunflower1970 · 21/06/2021 19:51

It’s a line you don’t cross if you’re a good friend. Also you must have known it was him ! Sorry - just not a nice thing to do

Getafuckinggripman · 21/06/2021 19:54

Sorry but I wouldn't be okay with this. Go for it by all means, but accept if she loved him you'll probably lose the friendship

WatieKatie · 21/06/2021 19:57

I’d speak with your friend and canvas her opinion before he mentions you to her.

DoingItMyself · 21/06/2021 20:00

This always puzzles me.

So, when a woman goes with a man (or whatever combination), she has dibs on him forever? Even after she splits with him?

Madness.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/06/2021 20:01

I agree with the other posters who say that you don't do this to a friend; you just don't.

But, you have. You considered it and went ahead with it anyway so nuts to your friend, eh? You don't sound a good friend to her but, man first. You're not the first and won't be the last to put yourself first before a friend.

Crack on, but don't expect back patting.

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