Seeing good friends ex

[lunklitdays]

I have got myself in a bit of a situation that I could really do with some advice. I have told one of my friends in rl but due to the situation I don't feel there's anyone else I can talk to and I'm feeling really confused.

I met a man on Tinder, he didn't have a profile photo of himself just a meme that made me laugh. I live in a very small place where it's still seen as embarrassing to be on Tinder so lots of people don't put their picture up because of that.

We talked a maybe once a week for several weeks, just general chat, it was nice we got on really well. I didn't ask particular questions on who he was as I knew when he was ready he would let me know. Again how it is here (I did check he was single but it's never a given even if they do say yes, but I believed him).

He then put a picture up and I realised that he was one of my good friends ex's. I didn't actually meet him when they were together (about 2 years) as I'd just had a baby and didn't really see many people outside family, I also lived quite a distance from her.

I told him when I realised that I couldn't talk anymore it was all too close but I went and too much wine one night and messaged him. He came by (my children were with their dad) and we had a wonderful night. We've met up several times since, we get on so well, he's really lovely. But I feel awful, we haven't told anyone what's going on, I know I need to tell my friend but I feel that if nothing comes of it I'd have been causing upset for nothing. So I've just kept quiet.

They split up nearly 5 years ago, she's had relationships since, one long term but I know this would be hurtful, if it were me I know I'd be hurt. It's just we really like each other, I feel we could have 'something' if we could be honest. But I feel dreadful too. We've just had a great weekend but today I've been wracked with guilt, I'm happy but I feel awful. I think I need to stop it now.

Anyone ever been in the sane situation? Or can tell me what to do. It's really driving me crazy. Happy, then guilty. Sorry this is such a muddle.

DoingItMyself of course not, but you wouldn't expect a friend to start dating an ex of yours, or I wouldn't.

@Getafuckinggripman

Sorry but I wouldn't be okay with this. Go for it by all means, but accept if she loved him you'll probably lose the friendship

But then at the same time, if she truly cares for her friend and about her friends happiness, then would she see reason and accept the couple ?

You need to have a chat with her. Explain to her what you've explained to us and do it before you see him again. The sooner you do it the less it will matter. If she is a good friend she will appreciate you care enough to not want to trample in her feelings. This will only get worse if you don't and you would lose one or both of them. Care and honesty might save you both relationships

So, when a woman goes with a man (or whatever combination), she has dibs on him forever? Even after she splits with him?

It depends on the situation. I had a very brief "thing" with someone many years ago that meant absolutely nothing to either of us, we never even slept together. My friend met him online two or three years ago and they're engaged now. No issue. However if it was my more recent ex who I was in an intimate relationship with for two years, who I loved immeasurably and who completely broke my heart? Fuck that. Friendship would be gone. You just don't go there. Ever!

But then at the same time, if she truly cares for her friend and about her friends happiness, then would she see reason and accept the couple ?

Nope sorry, I guess I'm just not that gracious a person!

@DoingItMyself

This always puzzles me.

So, when a woman goes with a man (or whatever combination), she has dibs on him forever? Even after she splits with him?

Madness.

It’s just a respect thing really

No, sorry, 'respect' isn't it at all.
People don't own other people.

@DoingItMyself

This always puzzles me.

So, when a woman goes with a man (or whatever combination), she has dibs on him forever? Even after she splits with him?

Madness.

No. I don’t have dibs on any ex but I would hope my friends have suitable boundaries in place (as I would). That still leaves both friends and exes with billions of others to choose from.

Is she with someone now?

Did he know it was you when he first saw your profile?

I think you need to tell her as you're not being honest. I'm less sure you need to break up with him, though I can see she might be upset / feel awkward. But 5 (or is it 3?) years on, it's unlikely to be that raw.

An ex is an ex. Your friend doesn't have a claim on him. You didn't deliberately target him. Of course, if she can't cope with it, you might well decide to prioritise her over him, but I wouldn't say it's a given.

Apologies for the late reply, got caught up with dc.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. I guess I posted on here because I wanted the harsh replies as I do know what I'm doing isn't the right thing to do. The one friend I've told in rl was encouraging me to be with him if it makes me happy. I'm a single parent and have been alone for a long time. I don't really do 'dating' because I've not found anyone that I've had that connection with. Me and him get on so well, I am really comfortable with him, I love spending time with him. When we are together I push all thoughts of my friend out my head but as soon as we are apart the guilt is awful. My friend I told was bound to tell me to be happy, she wants me to be happy but it's not her I would be hurting.

I also agree that I need to tell my friend what I have done, I'll always feel crap about it. For clarity they split up 5 years ago and were together just over 2. She has had one long term relationship, around 4 years, since but they have now sadly broken up.

As for the no picture thing, I do see how this is hard to understand. I live in a tiny place where there is a stigma about being on dating apps. He didn't recognise me as when he was with my friend I never actually met them together. I barely saw my friend, I had a toddler, lived way out in the country. I maybe only saw her twice in the two years but I knew they were together (obviously). I recognised him from photos she had put up on social media. I believe he didn't realise.

I know what I need to do, I take full responsibility for what has happened. I knew who he was and I still did it, believe me when I say I'm not proud of it. But we just hit it off right away, it's like I've known him for years. But in the end that's still no reason to carry on.

Thank you all again, I do appreciate everyone taking time to reply.

Was she madly in love with him OP? Is she fully and completely over it? X

@Getafuckinggripman they were happy the first year I would say but not so much the second, they sort of muddled on.

I know she told my other friend (the one I talked to) a few times she wasn't happy. She's very sociable, likes to be out and about, having people around whereas he's not so. He's quieter, more like me I guess. But yes they were happy. They are still sort of friends. It wasn't an awful breakup more a loving on. Though she did love him and him her. Definitely.

Sorry *more a moving on

Well... I guess there's only one way to find out OP maybe if all feelings are stone cold gone she'll be okay. Good luck x

Surely as your friend she'd be happy for you.

@Getafuckinggripman thank you. I am going to tell her. I can only see from there.
@SunshineCake she's so lovely I think that's what she would say but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be true. If it was me I'd be upset. I know I would. Though I do think I'd be able to get over it, as I say I don't see her a lot but she still is someone I consider a good friend.

I like to think I wouldn't do this to a friend. It's just a rule I've always had since high school. BUT when I look at the situation you are in I can see how it could happen. You didn't realise who he was and by the time you did you liked him.

Worse case it might cost you the friendship, but it shouldn't. Tell your friend and hopefully she is understanding. If you dump him for this reason you may end up resenting friend anyway.

Jimmy and Duncan figured it out - I'm sure you will too.

If you are where I think you are... it's just par for the course - don't beat yourself up about it!

Ha @AlphabetAerobics you got it! I'll try not too!
Thank you @Sally872, I appreciate that.

I'm a single mum too... I've opted to be surgically sealed up! 😂

I don't see the big deal.
Going out with someone doesn't mean they remain 'yours' for ever after.
Apart from it being a bit awkward, you and he are both free agents.

🤣@AlphabetAerobics honestly I think it would be easier. It's all such a carry on.

@MorriseysGladioli that is also true however of all the men I choose one that was with my friend. It's not great however you look at it. I have times when I think what you've said, that it will all be okay but generally the guilt is stronger.

Of course its not ok

@DoingItMyself

No, sorry, 'respect' isn't it at all. People don't own other people.

Of course not but that’s actually the respect bit. Understanding that your friend will feel hurt/uncomfortable etc because it didn’t work out between them. On some level she wasn’t enough,p, No one wants to feel like their friend is doing a better job than them, on something that’s so personal. And if it was the friend that broke it off because he wasn’t her cup of tea then it’s unlikely she wants to be reminded of all his faults or what a knob he was. Really cringe..