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Original poster

Seeing good friends ex

114 replies

lunklitdays · 21/06/2021 16:17

I have got myself in a bit of a situation that I could really do with some advice. I have told one of my friends in rl but due to the situation I don't feel there's anyone else I can talk to and I'm feeling really confused.

I met a man on Tinder, he didn't have a profile photo of himself just a meme that made me laugh. I live in a very small place where it's still seen as embarrassing to be on Tinder so lots of people don't put their picture up because of that.

We talked a maybe once a week for several weeks, just general chat, it was nice we got on really well. I didn't ask particular questions on who he was as I knew when he was ready he would let me know. Again how it is here (I did check he was single but it's never a given even if they do say yes, but I believed him).

He then put a picture up and I realised that he was one of my good friends ex's. I didn't actually meet him when they were together (about 2 years) as I'd just had a baby and didn't really see many people outside family, I also lived quite a distance from her.

I told him when I realised that I couldn't talk anymore it was all too close but I went and too much wine one night and messaged him. He came by (my children were with their dad) and we had a wonderful night. We've met up several times since, we get on so well, he's really lovely. But I feel awful, we haven't told anyone what's going on, I know I need to tell my friend but I feel that if nothing comes of it I'd have been causing upset for nothing. So I've just kept quiet.

They split up nearly 5 years ago, she's had relationships since, one long term but I know this would be hurtful, if it were me I know I'd be hurt. It's just we really like each other, I feel we could have 'something' if we could be honest. But I feel dreadful too. We've just had a great weekend but today I've been wracked with guilt, I'm happy but I feel awful. I think I need to stop it now.

Anyone ever been in the sane situation? Or can tell me what to do. It's really driving me crazy. Happy, then guilty. Sorry this is such a muddle.

OP posts:
AmIPeriOrAreYouJustAnnoying · 22/06/2021 18:20

Meh. It would really depend on whether I was still hing up on him. I can think of people who I really wouldn't mind my friend dating, but then others I would. You don't know until you ask.

Majorfluff · 22/06/2021 18:24

Any friend's ex is up for grabs in my book no matter how long ago they split. It really is none of her business.

Majorfluff · 22/06/2021 18:25

@Sillawithans

There are some things in life you just don't do and this is one of them. Chicks before dicks.
What bollocks.
Original poster
lunklitdays · 22/06/2021 18:37

@tony68 I certainly wasn't looking for anyone's sympathy. 'Mumma' made me recoil but that was probably the point. The rest is your opinion which you are more than entitled to.

I don't know whether I will continue seeing him, I will see him this weekend and talk to him, as I previously said. I do know that I need to tell my friend whatever the outcome, it is the fair thing to do. This thread has given me lots of things to think about, some I had already considered and some not. I am not proud of the situation I have got myself into, I am very aware this is my own doing. But I am very grateful for everyone's input.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/06/2021 18:44

All this hand wringing when it seemed you asked this bloke who you’d never even met over to your house for sex as a first date, and you keep offering it up,

Just tell her, you don’t need to tell her how you went after him like this just soften it, if you tell her the truth of it she will bin you off.

Gwenhwyfar · 22/06/2021 18:56

[quote Sillawithans]@Gwenhwyfar no it's not. It's one of those things in life you just don't do. Like I said.[/quote]
You said 'chicks before dicks' so you're obviously going down this line of female friendships are forever and romantic relationships are not, which is obviously not true.
I agree that you shouldn't go with a friend's recent ex, but this can't be a prohibition that goes on forever. Her friend might not like it, but she'll probably survive.

IWantT0BreakFree · 22/06/2021 19:06

This is women trying to police other women's relationships. It's bullying, misogynistic nonsense.

Just absolute rubbish. Misogynistic 😂

If your friend and her partner split up, that leaves him free. Free as a fucking bird. Available. If you and he want to give it a go, do so.

Yes, you are always free to do what you want. The friendship police aren't going to come and arrest anyone. But it is a fact that starting a relationship with a friend's ex may well cause that friend some pain and they are not obligated to continue a friendship with you. I'm really not sure why this is difficult to understand. You are free to make choices, and they are entitled to feel however they bloody well feel about it. If they end the friendship, that would be entirely understandable and foreseeable.

People are allowed to have emotional responses to things. It's human nature.

DoingItMyself · 22/06/2021 19:16

Pfft!

Getafuckinggripman · 22/06/2021 19:17

@Majorfluff

Any friend's ex is up for grabs in my book no matter how long ago they split. It really is none of her business.

So hypothetically if your best friend split up with the love of her life last month, you'd see him as "up for grabs" if you had the opportunity? Fuck me, I'm glad you're not my friend!

Bluntness100 · 22/06/2021 19:18

The decent thing to do here would have been to speak to her before inviting him over for sex. And if not then to do it pretty quickly after. Not keep at it.

Tombstone81 · 22/06/2021 19:52

This would be an absolute no from me.

FunMcCool · 22/06/2021 19:58

This is such a tricky situation as I can see both sides. I think you need to tell her ASAP, don’t wait until the weekend, if you really like him. Tell her and what will be will be. The damage is already done so tell her and it will either work out or it won’t. Either way you deserve a chance to be happy, no matter what people say on here.

Helloandhelloagain · 22/06/2021 22:59

It was five years. Go for it . You don’t have dibs on someone because you’ve dated them . If kids were involved maybe not but they weren’t married. 2 to 3 years isn’t a really really long time . Those years go quite quickly. ( first year is honeymoon ish ) if it was like 15 years then maybe not . Life’s a bit short and actually maybe If she’s a good friend she’ll see you’re happy. We don’t own people.

mrsstyles · 22/06/2021 23:16

@CandyLeBonBon

I'm surprised you swiped on a profile with no picture!!!

And spent weeks chatting without seeing one!

It's not ringing true to me tbh. Sounds more like you knew who each other were but have ended up liking each other snd now it's getting to the awkward stage.

I get some people in small towns are a big private but given there's a high chance of already knowing each other. What if it had been an ex? A close male friend? A relative 🤢

I've known people not to have pics but not for it to progress to that stage without sharing pics/personal details.

How did you even one you weren't spending your time sharing info with a 60 year old sleaze?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/06/2021 23:34

While I would find it icky the idea a friend was seeing and shagging an ex of mine, I would be far more upset you kept it from me knowing it would likely upset me, it would feel like you'd been knowingly lying to me. I think you may have to accept that when you tell her, she may say it's ok but decide to really cool off the friendship and no longer consider you someone she trusts. It would change how I saw you as a friend I'm afraid.

Bluntness100 · 23/06/2021 07:11

It's not ringing true to me tbh

No I don’t believe it either that they chatted for several weeks and never shared a photo before that.

I strongly suggest you don’t tell your friend that op.

Simoly say no tinder pic, but only if that’s the truth, she may know he’s on tinder, and then you started chatting and quickly realised it was him. You met for coffee and got on and You’d like to see him and just want to make sure she knows and is comfortable

Don’t ask her permission, becayse if she says she’d rather you didn’t you’re in an awkward spot. And don’t tell her th ugly truth of it.

AlphabetAerobics · 23/06/2021 12:46

I don't know how long they were chatting for - but it sure as shit rings true in terms of "no picture".

I'm not going to out where OP and I live (I guessed straight away!) - but you need to be thinking Applecross (population 540), not Enfield!

Fwiw, I didn't know my ex-husband's new partner - but my best friend knew her very well.

You have to imagine a place where everyone knows everyone - or is related to them... or their best friend knows them - or they used to work with your cousin.

Rewis · 23/06/2021 13:17

I would not have a problem with a friend dating my ex. Sure it might be a bit awkward at first but would not have issues. We broke up cause we were just an ok match and would have settled for each other.

I can also see a scenario where it would be very upsetting. I don't think anyone should go out of their way to date friends ex but if it happens, it depends a lot on the circumstance.

mrsstyles · 23/06/2021 14:11

@AlphabetAerobics

I don't know how long they were chatting for - but it sure as shit rings true in terms of "no picture".

I'm not going to out where OP and I live (I guessed straight away!) - but you need to be thinking Applecross (population 540), not Enfield!

Fwiw, I didn't know my ex-husband's new partner - but my best friend knew her very well.

You have to imagine a place where everyone knows everyone - or is related to them... or their best friend knows them - or they used to work with your cousin.

Oh I completely believe he had no photo on his OLD profile. I've been OLD for years myself and see this often. I also live in a small town.

Personally I'd NEVER match with someone with no photo, otherwise to figure have a conversations with every single person on your area? Who has time for that? Plus my view is that even if someone you know (friends, family, colleagues) see you on OLD so what? 1) why is it so taboo you are truly single? 2) whoever has seen you is OLD too.

Anyway, that's a different issue as I know it's common and don't doubt that's what happened in this scenario. The bit I dot believe is that they didn't swap pics and/or realise who each other were through chatting.

I'd have thought, especially in a small town where you know everyone, you'd want to rule out pretty soon that you're not chatting to your cousin, or boss etc. Even more reason to swap pics/personal details later

In this particular scenario it sounds to me that she realised pretty quickly who it was, thought f*ck it, if we're having a bit of fun nobody will know and nobody will get hurt. Further down the line it's ended up as more than a bit of fun and op is now trying to come up with a more palatable story for her friend that makes her look like she couldn't have avoided this.

Just my view

Peach01 · 23/06/2021 15:40

I would've instantly been put off the minute I knew it was my good friends ex. I couldn't.
You need to tell her sooner rather than later .

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/06/2021 16:21

Have you spoken to your friend yet @lunklitdays?

todaysdilemma · 23/06/2021 16:41

Everyone is different, but I personally would find it very awkward if a good friend of mine dated an ex of 2-3 years. Irrespective of how long ago it was. Not because I have dibs on him, but because I'm entitled to have my memories of my relationship intact and not sullied by having to watch someone else live them. Also it would mean, having my ex in my life and frankly, after a break up I don't need them in such close proximity.

I never understand why anyone would want to date a friend's ex - are there really so few men around that ex-es in friends groups need to be recycled? Most people don't want to know or deal with their partner's ex-es, so why anyone would want to voluntarily put themselves in this situation, I don't understand. It would mean he's back in contact with her through you as well, and wouldn't you worry he's always comparing you both, or still holds a flame for her?

I, personally, would stop the friendship, over something like this. It would be too weird to think that the man I spent late nights cuddling and sharing my hopes and dreams with, who knows every part of my body, who had nicknames for me etc, is now doing the same things with my friend, and I have to watch it. But your friend may feel differently. The right thing to do is tell her, before she finds out from someone else.

Gwenhwyfar · 23/06/2021 16:49

"are there really so few men around that ex-es in friends groups need to be recycled?"

In certain age groups, yes, there really are very few single people around.

todaysdilemma · 23/06/2021 17:01

@Gwenhwyfar That's just not true though is it? Unless the OP only had one man on Tinder to swipe on, there's at least one other single man around where she is. Given her own friend managed to break up with this guy and meet someone else, there's obviously a few mucking about. I mean this guy took weeks to even disclose who he was, was happy to show up when she was drunk for a casual shag, doesn't seem bothered about the personal dilemma she's facing with her friend - he's hardly catch of the year, that no other man can equal or better him.

But women are their own worst enemies with this scarcity belief - where vaguely eligible men are seen as some sort of prize and all sense is lost in pursuing them. Which is fair enough, but OP then needs to accept her need for a man is more than her need for the friendship, own her decision, be honest with her friend, and hope this guy sticks around long enough to make all this guilt/aggro worth while.

Gwenhwyfar · 23/06/2021 17:12

"@Gwenhwyfar That's just not true though is it? Unless the OP only had one man on Tinder to swipe on, there's at least one other single man around where she is"

Maybe she doesn't like the other single man? Maybe it's someone she's already been on a few dates with and it didn't work out. I really don't think the average single person over a certain age has hundreds of men to choose from. Not to mention you need to have the chemistry, etc., etc.