Seeing good friends ex

[lunklitdays]

I have got myself in a bit of a situation that I could really do with some advice. I have told one of my friends in rl but due to the situation I don't feel there's anyone else I can talk to and I'm feeling really confused.

I met a man on Tinder, he didn't have a profile photo of himself just a meme that made me laugh. I live in a very small place where it's still seen as embarrassing to be on Tinder so lots of people don't put their picture up because of that.

We talked a maybe once a week for several weeks, just general chat, it was nice we got on really well. I didn't ask particular questions on who he was as I knew when he was ready he would let me know. Again how it is here (I did check he was single but it's never a given even if they do say yes, but I believed him).

He then put a picture up and I realised that he was one of my good friends ex's. I didn't actually meet him when they were together (about 2 years) as I'd just had a baby and didn't really see many people outside family, I also lived quite a distance from her.

I told him when I realised that I couldn't talk anymore it was all too close but I went and too much wine one night and messaged him. He came by (my children were with their dad) and we had a wonderful night. We've met up several times since, we get on so well, he's really lovely. But I feel awful, we haven't told anyone what's going on, I know I need to tell my friend but I feel that if nothing comes of it I'd have been causing upset for nothing. So I've just kept quiet.

They split up nearly 5 years ago, she's had relationships since, one long term but I know this would be hurtful, if it were me I know I'd be hurt. It's just we really like each other, I feel we could have 'something' if we could be honest. But I feel dreadful too. We've just had a great weekend but today I've been wracked with guilt, I'm happy but I feel awful. I think I need to stop it now.

Anyone ever been in the sane situation? Or can tell me what to do. It's really driving me crazy. Happy, then guilty. Sorry this is such a muddle.

Of course it's true - surely it isn't that much of an imaginative jump to picture yourself living in a remote part of the Highlands where the nearest big town/city is a 4-6 hour drive away?

Speaking for myself - there are 4 single men roughly my age where I live. 2 are gay, 1 is a known wife-beater and the other is just a NO (and exH of friend).

Which one should I pick?

@AlphabetAerobics Hmm, with only 4 single men (2 really - as only 2 are straight and would show up in your stack), I'm not sure they'd need Tinder? So let's assume that anywhere where the men use Tinder (like where the OP is), has more than 2-4 single men. Point being the OP got on a dating app to meet someone and found him - didn't just bump into him around town or through her social circle.

Out of curiosity, are the 2 gay men you mentioned dating each other? As it must be even harder as a gay man in such a small population to date? So if they aren't, there's obviously more dating options than just each other...

By this token surely no one in such small populations ever breaks up, if it's so hard to find someone? So I'm surprised her friend ditched this guy in the first place if he's like gold dust.

@todaysdilemma - my gay friends over the years have told me they've never had a problem getting sex - apparently there are always discreet visits from married men!

I should say, I live in the same place as OP - so I do know the score. There was even a skit on BBC comedy about this very issue...

People do break up - all the time. In fact my friend went back to her previous husband. It's just par for the course and if you're going to get pissy about it then you have to move away.

Then there are those who stay together but have discreet liaisons elsewhere... and some for whom any body in the bed is worth it.

Then there are others like me who roll their eyes and download another book to the Kindle! 😁

I'm stunned that people think once you've dated someone then noone you know is allowed to date them, even years later. That was the consensus in the school yard, yes, but this is grown up life. Don't let the chance of a happy relationship go by the wayside. If your friend thinks she owns some sort of rights to him 5 years later - well that's weird. Your happiness is as important as your friend's, and any good friend would laugh at the idea that they would be upset by it. If she is still in love with him all these years later I'm sure you'd know it. (In which case then it would be insensitive I agree).

The first thing to do is tell her, she may be happy for you (5 years is a long time!) and decide from there.

@AlphabetAerobics

Of course it's true - surely it isn't that much of an imaginative jump to picture yourself living in a remote part of the Highlands where the nearest big town/city is a 4-6 hour drive away?

Speaking for myself - there are 4 single men roughly my age where I live. 2 are gay, 1 is a known wife-beater and the other is just a NO (and exH of friend).

Which one should I pick?

I don't know but I bet you wouldn't go on and stay chatting to one of them without a picture, just taking a bet on who it could possibly be?

Surely it would be even more reason to only match with guys with a photo or at least find out who you're chatting to before you spend several weeks talking to him?

"By this token surely no one in such small populations ever breaks up, if it's so hard to find someone? So I'm surprised her friend ditched this guy in the first place if he's like gold dust."

Depends on your age doesn't it and the friend's relationship ended five years ago when she might have been of an age where there were more single men around.

I do wonder when I read all the 'ltb's on the relationships board, how many options some married MNers think there are for single women who are not so young.
(Of course for some it's better to be alone forever than stay, but not for all).

@Gwenhwyfar - I think most MN users simply can't imagine living in a place with a POPULATION smaller than that of a London primary school.

Where Tesco is a 2 hour drive away rather than 24/7 uber-eats. 😂

[quote AlphabetAerobics]@Gwenhwyfar - I think most MN users simply can't imagine living in a place with a POPULATION smaller than that of a London primary school.

Where Tesco is a 2 hour drive away rather than 24/7 uber-eats. 😂[/quote]
When I lived in a city of 200k, lots of my friends were on dating sites. It was still the same people who came up all the time. There weren't millions on there.
At one point I worked in a place with about 120 staff. In the 10 years around my age, there was one single man, who lived with his mother so the chances of meeting someone in normal life were minimal. This advice to 'join clubs' meet 'friends of friends' might work when you're 25 but not all moments in life.

[quote AlphabetAerobics]@Gwenhwyfar - I think most MN users simply can't imagine living in a place with a POPULATION smaller than that of a London primary school.

Where Tesco is a 2 hour drive away rather than 24/7 uber-eats. 😂[/quote]
Although there are usually more men to each woman in a rural area. (but also everywhere more men being gay and more men being in prison).

I think the fact that it was 5 years ago and op didnt know him, means there is absolutely no issues with you dating him.

And your friend has had a 4 year relationship since so she can't have been heartbroken. The relationship ended amiably too.

id text your friend and say that you are hoping its not going to be awkward but youve recently started dating an ex of hers from ages ago and were hoping to get her blessing before letting it get too serious

Did you tell her OP?

I wouldn't care if any of my friends dated one of my exes. I've fully moved on from them and I am friendly with some of them still.

Everyone is different I get that.

I think I'd be more upset that you didn't tell me if I'm honest