Seeing good friends ex

[lunklitdays]

I have got myself in a bit of a situation that I could really do with some advice. I have told one of my friends in rl but due to the situation I don't feel there's anyone else I can talk to and I'm feeling really confused.

I met a man on Tinder, he didn't have a profile photo of himself just a meme that made me laugh. I live in a very small place where it's still seen as embarrassing to be on Tinder so lots of people don't put their picture up because of that.

We talked a maybe once a week for several weeks, just general chat, it was nice we got on really well. I didn't ask particular questions on who he was as I knew when he was ready he would let me know. Again how it is here (I did check he was single but it's never a given even if they do say yes, but I believed him).

He then put a picture up and I realised that he was one of my good friends ex's. I didn't actually meet him when they were together (about 2 years) as I'd just had a baby and didn't really see many people outside family, I also lived quite a distance from her.

I told him when I realised that I couldn't talk anymore it was all too close but I went and too much wine one night and messaged him. He came by (my children were with their dad) and we had a wonderful night. We've met up several times since, we get on so well, he's really lovely. But I feel awful, we haven't told anyone what's going on, I know I need to tell my friend but I feel that if nothing comes of it I'd have been causing upset for nothing. So I've just kept quiet.

They split up nearly 5 years ago, she's had relationships since, one long term but I know this would be hurtful, if it were me I know I'd be hurt. It's just we really like each other, I feel we could have 'something' if we could be honest. But I feel dreadful too. We've just had a great weekend but today I've been wracked with guilt, I'm happy but I feel awful. I think I need to stop it now.

Anyone ever been in the sane situation? Or can tell me what to do. It's really driving me crazy. Happy, then guilty. Sorry this is such a muddle.

@DoingItMyself

This always puzzles me.

So, when a woman goes with a man (or whatever combination), she has dibs on him forever? Even after she splits with him?

Madness.

this , im not quite understanding the posters on here saying they would drop a friend over this ! if this friend goes all weird about it after 5 bloody years id think she had issues really ,and esp given theres no children involved . .

A few years ago I was with someone for two years, no kids together nor co-habiting, it ended I thought quite pleasantly. A couple of months later he got with someone I had known most of my life, the sister of a close friend. I was really upset, possibly unreasonably but I couldn't help how I felt.
Unfortunately, he began bad mouthing me and so his new partner decided she then really disliked me. It made it difficult between me and my friend as obviously her loyalty had to be to her sister.
They're not together anymore but my friendship was more or less ruined. So I would say with the best will in the world, your friendship will be changed for good.

Having heard more about the situation OP, it sounds like this relationship has the potential to be great. It's not that easy to meet someone you click with who makes you feel comfortable and you shouldn't have to sacrifice the chance of happiness.

It also doesn't sound like you and your friend are that close, so you wouldn't be always around her when you are with him.

And it's five years on, not 5 weeks or 5 months. It's no insult to her if you and he are more compatible than she was with him. Everyone's different and relationships work or don't for all sorts of reasons. Just because a relationship breaks up, it doesn't mean either wasn't a good enough person. I'm sure most people would understand that.

I think most posters are giving you too hard a time here. And that's playing into your guilty feelings. TBH some sound like teenagers sulking over their best friend stealing their boyfriend, not grown ups with plenty of life experience.

Tell your friend as a courtesy and unless she has a very good reason for not wanting you to continue, enjoy getting to know this man.

There are some things in life you just don't do and this is one of them. Chicks before dicks.

Don’t miss a chance of happiness with this man because your friend might feel a bit put out! That would be INSANE! It’s 5 years ago - she doesn’t get to keep him!
If she ditches you then that’s on her, fair enough she might feel a bit sad or whatever but you are doing nothing wrong!!

I’ve just re-read your posts. You are feeling guilty because you are dating a man who once went out with your friend 5 years ago and you didn’t meet him then. They weren’t married? No kids? I don’t understand why you are even feeling remotely guilty.

Personally, I don't think you'd be in the wrong to date him at this stage.

no one permanent 'dibs' on another human being just because they're prior relationship didn't work out. It was 5+ years ago, after a 2 year relationship. She's had a 4year relationship since then. She's really got no standing to complain.

I, for one, will be very cross if you ditch this man for such a ridiculous reason.

Fucking hell!

It’s not an affair

They split up FIVE years ago

They were together for 2 years

Tell your friend for piece of mind, but if she kicks off then it’s not your problems.

You don’t own another person once you’ve finished a relationship with them. I understand there are complicated lines that you don’t want to cross in certain situations, but this doesn’t sound like one of them.

Just be happy OP. Other folk need to get a fucking grip.

Something similar happened to me. I met a man online who'd lived elsewhere for a long time in the same city as a friend. I had no idea he was the same person she'd been with for a while until a random conversation. I'd be seeing him for a couple of months at that point. A few weeks later I plucked up the courage to call her. Explained that when we met I didn't realise there was a connection. She was fine as it was a good few years ago and appreciated the call. She also said it was better to find out from me than through the grapevine or much further down the road. Good luck. You didn't intend this to happen but you can do the right thing and hope she is reasonable.

"I like to think I wouldn't do this to a friend. It's just a rule I've always had since high school"

When you're 15 there are always other singles to choose from. If you're over 35 there aren't many options for single people plus OP said she lives rurally. Not so easy to discount anyone who's been out with a friend, however long ago.

@Sillawithans

There are some things in life you just don't do and this is one of them. Chicks before dicks.

This is one of those 'friends stay forever, boyfriends come and go' things isn't it? It's for teenagers. When you grow up, you realise friends don't stay forever either and love is hard to find so you don't miss out on the chance.

I’d tell her personally. Explain it to her how you have explained it here- you came across him on tinder, he didn’t have a photo on so to begin with you had no idea who he was and by the time you realised, you felt guilty but really got on with him so wanted to give it a go. Tell her you have been single for years and he’s the first person you have got along with since your divorce but you equally don’t want to lose her friendship because you value it a great deal. See how she reacts, if she’s upset and your friendship means more to you than him then ditch him. If she doesn’t mind then happy days, everyone can crack on.

I don’t think I could date a friend’s ex, I think it would be too weird personally knowing he’d slept with us both.

If you are from a very small town it might not be so unusual for people to get into relationships with friends ex's. There is a limited pool of people.

No, sorry, 'respect' isn't it at all.
People don't own other people.

This just completely misses the point. It's not about ownership or laying claim or "rules". It's about the fact that for lots of people (most people?) it would be incredibly upsetting for a friend to start a relationship with a meaningful ex. People are entitled to those feelings; they are valid and legitimate. And for many people, those feelings will mean that they cannot continue the friendship. That is also their right and a valid choice.

You have the freedom to date whoever you like. You don't have freedom from the consequences of your choices, and if you ride roughshod over a friend's feelings for a man you barely know (or barely knew when you initially realised who he was) then don't be surprised when they consider your friendship to be over.

I really think you need to stop feeling so guilty. You're not doing ANYTHING wrong!

It sounds like you live in a fairly small community so it's not surprising that any singles there end up dating ex's of some friend or another.

From what you know it doesn't sound like they had a bad break up and are now "sort of" friends so I would be surprised if you dating him turned into any sort of issue. Keeping it a secret might though so I'd say don't waste any time and just tell her. Keep it light and breezy - you've got no reason to be apologetic at all.

Personally - if you were my friend - and I thought this guy may give you some happiness I'd be telling you to go for it and not worry about the past!

Good Luck

I think you should speak to your friend at some point. It would only be fair. Especially before he does.

I don’t see a problem with it at all. It’s been five years.

A good friend dated my ex for a while. We’d been together for two years. I had no issue with it and she’s still a good friend many years after their breakup. I remember at the time wishing she’d told me a bit sooner, but in hindsight it makes sense that she waited.

Consider the possibility that your friend won’t have a perfect initial reaction, but I don’t think that’s a reason to not move forward, nor do I think it’s inevitable that it will damage your friendship.

Again thanks to everyone for their responses. It's a pretty mixed bag which is generally how I am feeling.

I do want to see if this goes anywhere, I'd be vexed just to give him up because of his and my friends past but equally my friend is very important to me. But then I think I've already bloody done it, wasn't thinking much of her then.

I am seeing him this weekend, I'm going to leave things until then. I am a bit of a coward who hates confrontation so guess in a way that's what I'm doing, giving it another weekend to see if my feelings have changed.

I do know that I need to tell her whatever happens and I do intend to just with better clarity of what it is I want. I do think she will be shocked and hurt but likely tell me it's fine. I worry what she will say to my other friends but I can only face that as it happens. I do live in a very small place so once it's out everyone will know. I don't much like being talked about, who does, but i accept that will happen.

I really do appreciate everyone's time, I have read and reread all the posts.

If it was you and you would be upset then what is so difficult to understand that she might feel exactly the same. I wouldn't do this.

@Gwenhwyfar no it's not. It's one of those things in life you just don't do. Like I said.

@Zari29 I do understand that, very clearly.

'14:11Zari29

If it was you and you would be upset then what is so difficult to understand that she might feel exactly the same. I wouldn't do this.'

Yes but might you also feel, well I would be upset but I can get over that, and let my friend have a chance with this guy because they might be happy together.

Caring about friends' feelings works both ways.

@IWantT0BreakFree

*No, sorry, 'respect' isn't it at all. People don't own other people.*

This just completely misses the point. It's not about ownership or laying claim or "rules". It's about the fact that for lots of people (most people?) it would be incredibly upsetting for a friend to start a relationship with a meaningful ex. People are entitled to those feelings; they are valid and legitimate. And for many people, those feelings will mean that they cannot continue the friendship. That is also their right and a valid choice.

You have the freedom to date whoever you like. You don't have freedom from the consequences of your choices, and if you ride roughshod over a friend's feelings for a man you barely know (or barely knew when you initially realised who he was) then don't be surprised when they consider your friendship to be over.

This is women trying to police other women's relationships. It's bullying, misogynistic nonsense.

If your friend and her partner split up, that leaves him free. Free as a fucking bird. Available. If you and he want to give it a go, do so.

'Ride roughshod over a friend's feelings' - right. Every woman is responsible for every other women's feelings. Er, no. How about, women who split up with a man might be incredibly upset about that but need to understand that when he's not the partner of A he could very well move on to be the partner of B.

It reminds me very much of when married women think all other women should refuse to have sex with their husbands so that the husbands have to remain faithful to the wives. Because it's women's responsibility to turn them down.

Erghhh, I wouldn't knowingly sit on a face my friend had previously sat on. You're not really a friend, op. And the "single Mumma don't meet anyone so I deserve this little hermit crab that doesn't like going out but is putting himself out there on online dating apps/social media" doesn't buy you any sympathy from me. But that's just my opinion.