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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I slapped my DP

138 replies

Blackisthenewwhite · 21/06/2021 00:24

As the title says, I slapped my DP.

Back story:

I had an awful childhood, between the ages of me being 5-12 my mother was in an abusive relationship.
Every week without fail, the house would be smashed up, she was physically and mentally abused and I saw things no child should have to see - I saw her being punched & kicked multiple times, I saw her head being smashed through a window, being kicked in the belly whilst pregnant, being dragged across the floor by her hair, being strangled etc etc.
She escaped the relationship because he beat her so badly she ended up in hospital and he went to prison.

Her next relationship was not much better, it was fine for the first couple of years but then the arguments started and in the end he started hitting her. This time she left.

This affected me and I had nightmares for years I still have the odd one now.

I moved out at 18 and aged 20 I got into 10 year relationship with a lovely man, we rarely rowed, a handful of disagreements that whole time, but we decided we were no more than friends in the end and went our separate ways.

I had a couple of years to myself and I have been with my now DP for a year.

Last night we had a row, it came out of
Nowhere really - I was working late and I was really stressed and getting a bit upset,

he just made some stupid comment 'why don't you go and cry about it, grow up' I asked him to leave because I could see the argument brewing, he refused so I got
Up and I pulled his arm to get him up off the sofa to leave.
He jumped up, shouted at me and grabbed my arms, his face was full of rage, my childhood flashed before me and I honestly thought he was going to hit me, so I just slapped him across the face.

I am in no way trying to condole my actions from what happened in my childhood and I feel disgusted and ashamed.
I feel like I need to end the relationship now because I am scared incase it happens again.

My DP promised he wasn't going to hit me and I think I know deep down that he wouldn't.

I don't know what came across me, I've never once hit anyone, never had a fall out with friends, not had a confrontational argument with anyone etc.

I feel sick to my stomach and have been crying all day.

I am no better than the abusers my poor mother was with.

OP posts:
MarshmallowAra · 21/06/2021 00:29

It sounds wholly understandable that you slapped him .. he was very rude/verbally abusive, then refused to leave, then shout, aggressive and threatening.

It's not ideal but it was clearly a response to feeling threatened.

He does not sound like great partner material.

MarshmallowAra · 21/06/2021 00:35

It also sounds v different from the situations with your mum.

It sounds like you should just get out of this relationship.

CharlotteRose90 · 21/06/2021 00:35

Neither of your actions are good and you assaulted him first. Why didn’t you leave the room rather then trying to force him?

Sounds like you need some therapy to get through your past . I’d also take a break from your relationship. Sorry but if you were my partner I’d be leaving. Neither of the actions are good but he used words and you used violence . Definitely not all his fault.

mumto2teenagers · 21/06/2021 00:44

What happened after you slapped him, how did he react? You say he promised he wasn't going to hit you so I assume you had some kind of discussion. Did you apologise?

I guess if this was the other way round everyone would be telling you to leave him, that he wouldn't change, etc.

Do you think it could happen again, if so I think you should end the relationship. I agree that it sounds like you need some kind of therapy.

cariadlet · 21/06/2021 00:47

You poor thing. You are nothing like your mum's abusers. They were vile men who repeatedly assaulted her because they were horrible angry people who got off on the power and control they had over her.

You shouldn't have slapped your dp, but you know that; it's why you have been upset all day. But you didn't do it out of anger; you did it out of fear and that fear is a direct result of your early trauma. It wasn't planned or deliberate; it was an instinctive attempt to protect yourself.

Maybe you and your dp need a break from each other. It sounds as if he was unsympathetic when you were stressed and his angry reaction was horrible.

Have you had any counselling to help you deal with your childhood? It sounds as if you might be suffering from ptsd (that's an educated guess from a complete amateur).

Be kind to yourself and don't judge yourself harshly for your behaviour.

Original poster
Blackisthenewwhite · 21/06/2021 01:02

I should add that he is genuinely is a lovely person, he has never so much raised his voice to me before.

He says he grabbed my arms to calm me down because he could see I was getting worked up by crying and trying to pull him off the sofa to get him to leave and that he would never ever hit me and that he is not like those men but admits he got angry and shouldn't have.

After I slapped him I left the room and he followed me and he apologised straight away for raising his voice and getting angry.
Of course I apologised for slapping him.
He has apologised numerous times today, as have I, but he shouldn't need to. It was me that done the slapping.

If he slapped me, I would be leaving him, he should be leaving me but he says he understands why I done it and that he is not angry at me because he can tell he scared me (because of what I've seen before)
I was scared but it's not an excuse. I lost my temper.

I have never spoken to anyone professional about my childhood. Only my current and EXdp.

I would like to say that this will never happen again, but if you asked me yesterday if I would ever slap someone, I would have put my life on me not doing it.

OP posts:
ispepsiokay · 21/06/2021 01:32

I can't understand why you were trying to make him leave and pulling him, you could've walked away from the situation yourself and then you slapped him.

You were massively out of line and abusive. I'm also shocked at the pp's offering sympathy and 'poor thing', reverse this as your partner slapping you and he'd be crucified.

NakedNugget · 21/06/2021 01:43

@ispepsiokay

I can't understand why you were trying to make him leave and pulling him, you could've walked away from the situation yourself and then you slapped him.

You were massively out of line and abusive. I'm also shocked at the pp's offering sympathy and 'poor thing', reverse this as your partner slapping you and he'd be crucified.

I don't agree with you at all. Women are constantly abused, beaten and even murdered by men purely down to control and male aggression. When he grabbed her and shouted at her no wonder she was terrified and slapped him especially after the trauma she experienced growing up... did you ever see your mum almost beaten to death? That's enough to damage any child. She wasn't slapping him out of control and she's not victim blaming/gaslighting as many men do. She's showing remorse and regret which many male abusers don't do other than as an act to reel women back in. You've totally missed the context here
Toilenstripes · 21/06/2021 01:44

Sounds like you need anger management therapy. You have trauma from your childhood, but you absolutely cannot abuse your partner.

LoopTheLoops · 21/06/2021 01:45

Once again posters defending it because it’s a woman, is it ok for men to hit women if they’ve had a bad childhood?

NakedNugget · 21/06/2021 02:16

@LoopTheLoops

Once again posters defending it because it’s a woman, is it ok for men to hit women if they’ve had a bad childhood?
The slapping isn't ok but it's understandable when done reactively caused by intense fear. Men are aggressive, heck open the daily fail where there are currently 2 female murder victims. No one is defending the slapping but op is clearly not slapping in an effort to control and manipulate. She reacted out of fear. Very rarely would it be so inherent in a man that he should fear a woman, especially considering men are more likely to be stronger and more powerful than women (in most cases)
quizqueen · 21/06/2021 02:36

Your back story illustrates why women shouldn't ever stay in abusive relationships because the children get so messed up by it.

Mymapuddlington · 21/06/2021 02:43

I had a similar childhood to you.
I slapped my partner and felt like you.

The thing is, you’re not abusive. You reacted in a fight or flight situation and unable to fly you hit out. For me it was like a blurry panic of just needed to escape. It wasn’t even over anything serious. In situations now when I feel cornered or like an argument is brewing I retreat to my room and he leaves me alone. I had to explain to him though that that is how I need to deal with the emotion/stress etc

Talk to him, he seems understanding, see if you can figure out something that works for you just so you both can calm down before coming back together to figure stuff out

Mymapuddlington · 21/06/2021 02:45

@LoopTheLoops not at all. If a man had the same childhood and when hit with fight or flight when trapped he slapped her to get away I would say the same thing. It’s not ok but there’s a reason and making sure it doesn’t happen again is key.

Notaroadrunner · 21/06/2021 02:48

You need to seek professional counselling to help you process your childhood experiences.

suggestionsplease1 · 21/06/2021 07:48

Your both apologetic over it so that's a good start.

You need to ensure things don't get physical by making a rule that if you are having a disagreement or argument about something neither of you touches each other under any circumstances. Not to pull someone up from the sofa, not to push someone out of the way, not to hold someone's arms down and certainly not to strike. Just no hands on under any circumstances. Then you need to address your verbally escalating arguments so they don't ascend to this level. You should be having calm disagreements not furious battles. If either of you feel tensions rising you must walk away.

Sit down and come to agreement about how you are going to manage situations of disagreement in the future so that you interrupt these damaging stages it escalated to last night.

Howshouldibehave · 21/06/2021 07:57

Why were you trying to pull him out of the chair and get him to leave? Is it your house but he has his own home you wanted him to leave and go to?

I think you need some professional counselling to work through some of your past.

MaybeCrazy2 · 21/06/2021 08:01

You was in the wrong before slapping him, grabbing his arm and pulling him off the sofa isn’t right. You should have left or walked out the room.

You’ve apologised, so that’s a start. It’s your responsibility to ensure you don’t act like that again.

Minezatea · 21/06/2021 08:37

We don't know about your DP's childhood. Was it also traumatic? If so, what would have been triggered for him when you tried to drag him off the sofa? I think his reaction is pretty understandable TBH as it was self defense. I think had someone tried to drag you off the sofa you might also have had a face full of rage. I feel for you as you obviously had an awful childhood. I think getting some help with that might be what's needed her rather than everyone blaming DP for what happened. He did not hit you back (which is good, he shouldn't have) so I don't think he is automatically coming across as aggressive. If you fear he might be then I think you need not to be with him.

RaginaFalangi · 21/06/2021 08:55

I think you need some counselling to deal with your past.

You were wrong to have grabbed him by the arm to get him to leave and also wrong to have slapped him, you should've left or walked into another room to calm down. There's no excuse tbh.

Bluntness100 · 21/06/2021 09:01

I agree get some help. You tried to drag him off the sofa rhen slapped him one. And there is an under tone of he made me do it in your post. Which is classic abusers language.

Get some help as it seems your self aware enough to know it’s not ok.

Twickytwo · 21/06/2021 09:40

Place marking as an example of MN posters minimising female on male violence.
Slapping someone is assault and can never be justified

user1471457751 · 21/06/2021 09:40

Some previous posters seem to be justifying what you did because you did it out of fear. But you didn't try to drag him off the sofa out of fear. If you were scared at that point you would have walked away but instead you escalated to physical aggression.

SoupDragon · 21/06/2021 09:42

It sounds wholly understandable that you slapped him

Said no one on a thread about male violence towards women ever

Sometimesfraught82 · 21/06/2021 09:44

It just doesn’t sound like a pleasant relationship op
Certainly not one I’d be happy to be in