I slapped my DP

[Blackisthenewwhite]

As the title says, I slapped my DP.

Back story:

I had an awful childhood, between the ages of me being 5-12 my mother was in an abusive relationship.
Every week without fail, the house would be smashed up, she was physically and mentally abused and I saw things no child should have to see - I saw her being punched & kicked multiple times, I saw her head being smashed through a window, being kicked in the belly whilst pregnant, being dragged across the floor by her hair, being strangled etc etc.
She escaped the relationship because he beat her so badly she ended up in hospital and he went to prison.

Her next relationship was not much better, it was fine for the first couple of years but then the arguments started and in the end he started hitting her. This time she left.

This affected me and I had nightmares for years I still have the odd one now.

I moved out at 18 and aged 20 I got into 10 year relationship with a lovely man, we rarely rowed, a handful of disagreements that whole time, but we decided we were no more than friends in the end and went our separate ways.

I had a couple of years to myself and I have been with my now DP for a year.

Last night we had a row, it came out of
Nowhere really - I was working late and I was really stressed and getting a bit upset,

he just made some stupid comment 'why don't you go and cry about it, grow up' I asked him to leave because I could see the argument brewing, he refused so I got
Up and I pulled his arm to get him up off the sofa to leave.
He jumped up, shouted at me and grabbed my arms, his face was full of rage, my childhood flashed before me and I honestly thought he was going to hit me, so I just slapped him across the face.

I am in no way trying to condole my actions from what happened in my childhood and I feel disgusted and ashamed.
I feel like I need to end the relationship now because I am scared incase it happens again.

My DP promised he wasn't going to hit me and I think I know deep down that he wouldn't.

I don't know what came across me, I've never once hit anyone, never had a fall out with friends, not had a confrontational argument with anyone etc.

I feel sick to my stomach and have been crying all day.

I am no better than the abusers my poor mother was with.

@Geanna2

I wonder if you'd all be so quick to brush it aside as just one of those things if the OP was a man?

There is always a small minority of posters who think it’s ok for women to abuse men, trotting out th line oh he’s bigger than you, or he made you do it, but if it’s a man hitting a woman in the exact same circumstances, trying to drag her off the sofa, slapping her, then she needs to call the police on him

It’s unbelievable in this day and age apologists for dv still exist, but they do and they walk amongst us.

I also had a similar childhood and whilst my heart goes out to you for what you suffered then. Physical violence is never ok. You shouldn’t have put your hands on him to pull him up against his will so those saying you lashed out because you were scared, I don’t understand.

There is also a manipulative undertone to your post, taking responsibility but it’s his fault really and you had a terrible time as a child…. I’m not saying this to be unkind. You are a product of your early years and you have work to do if you are going to be in a relationship.

But it wouldn’t wash if it was a man that was violent and manipulative, whatever his childhood trauma and nor should it. The same goes for women.

If your DP is living with you, that was maybe too quick after only a year, did you maybe rush things because of the pandemic? Heck you met during a pandemic, not the best time, sometimes people can latch on to the wrong person for comfort when the world gets crazy.
If he's not living with you, why is he round at yours when you are needing to work late? Better to have some boundaries and have him round at your convenience. Was he pushing boundaries by being there when you needed to work?
Then there's your job, which it sounds like is inducing a big stress response if you were actually crying about it - I realise DP may have been being sarcastic here, in which case that is just nasty and a decent DP would give empathy and make you a brew, leave you to get on with work at least.
This could be a symptom of things in general not being wrong in your relationship and/or work life.
Apart from that, definitely should have some counseling after what you've been through, it's a big thing to take through life without addressing.

'not being right'

@ispepsiokay

I can't understand why you were trying to make him leave and pulling him, you could've walked away from the situation yourself and then you slapped him.

You were massively out of line and abusive. I'm also shocked at the pp's offering sympathy and 'poor thing', reverse this as your partner slapping you and he'd be crucified.

Agree with this.

You need therapy, OP.

It is never acceptable to use violence.

I feel for you OP.

You need help.

Seek out help and take care.

Sorry hit post early

@SoupDragon

It sounds wholly understandable that you slapped him

Said no one on a thread about male violence towards women ever

This. With bells on. OP your actions are not excusable - you used physical violence after attempting to use physical force. It is not excusable either by your childhood or your gender.

@ispepsiokay

I can't understand why you were trying to make him leave and pulling him, you could've walked away from the situation yourself and then you slapped him.

You were massively out of line and abusive. I'm also shocked at the pp's offering sympathy and 'poor thing', reverse this as your partner slapping you and he'd be crucified.

What a load of claptrap

Did you read this part
“I asked him to leave because I could see the argument brewing, he refused so I got
Up and I pulled his arm to get him up off the sofa to leave.
He jumped up, shouted at me and grabbed my arms, his face was full of rage, my childhood flashed before me and I honestly thought he was going to hit me, so I just slapped him across the face. “

Go and learn a little about the wider circumstances of this woman’s life and also consider that to her a man grabbing her and shouting in her face his own full of rage might have been some sort of god awful trigger

If the “Partner” had been decent and for up and left when she asked him to this wouldn’t have even happened

Understanding why someone reacts in such a way is not incidentally condoning violence.

It is possible to do both but some of you seem incapable.

id have slapped him too. Give yourself a break

And as for all the of this was a man stuff then firstly the man could have pulled her off the sofa easily and removed her from the house.

Secondly if someone had come in here and written up to the point of the slap you’d all have all been saying the partner refusing to leave , shouting and grabbing was abuse and to get out

Thirdly I read on this website all the time about what posters would do to someone who’d treated them badly and it sometimes involves allusion or assertions to some form of violent but instinctive / principled so therefore legitimate expression of fear or rage or retribution.

This woman needs help
A therapist would actually be able to frame and work through her reaction rather than vilify her when she has had a monumentally troubled life

@Branleuse

id have slapped him too. Give yourself a break

And if you were a man, assuming you are female. Would you have tried to physically drag your girlfriend off the sofa then given her a good slap too? And boasted about it online? About how you’d give your girlfriend a good slap? Or do you only think it’s ok for women to assault men?

Thank you everyone for your comments.

I am going to look for a therapist this evening.
I've never had any professional help / talked about my childhood and I never ever want this to happen again. I have frightened myself as to what I am capable of now so I definitely need some kind of help.

I'm not a violent or argumentative person in general but there is no excuse for the slap, I know this.

Thanks again.

@Blackisthenewwhite

Thank you everyone for your comments.

I am going to look for a therapist this evening.
I've never had any professional help / talked about my childhood and I never ever want this to happen again. I have frightened myself as to what I am capable of now so I definitely need some kind of help.

I'm not a violent or argumentative person in general but there is no excuse for the slap, I know this.

Thanks again.

I hope you get some help Try to ignore some of the frankly ignorant and naive comments here. They think wearing a hair shirt will cure you.

Your remorse towards, and ownership of everything in your life and how it’s affected you - not just this incident - is indicative to me that you are not a bad person.

Interestingly the single biggest reason most perpetrator referrals fail is lack of ownership, insight or remorse. In terms of separating incidents and understanding the spectrum of behaviours in terms of abuse and lived experience I think this is worth noting.

I would not continue the relationship and it is not busy because you slapped him I say that.

@Bluntness100

No boasting from the OP as far as I can see
So I’d avoid putting words in her mouth

I have a female relative who grew up in similar circumstances (not quite as violent but was also subject to the violence) and she once slapped her adult son in the heat of a row. As far as I know she frightened herself and has never done anything remotely like it again. OP I think you're doing the right thing seeking help, and I doubt you'll ever forget how you feel now.

I do think your partner was also being a bit of a prick with his comments to "go and cry about it", he doesn't sound very kind.

@CharlotteRose90

Neither of your actions are good and you assaulted him first. Why didn’t you leave the room rather then trying to force him?

Sounds like you need some therapy to get through your past . I’d also take a break from your relationship. Sorry but if you were my partner I’d be leaving. Neither of the actions are good but he used words and you used violence . Definitely not all his fault.

This is my thought too.

You need therapy for your childhood trauma. I would be suprised if you did not have cPTSD. There is also a clear link between witnessing or seeing DV as a child, then becoming a DV perpetrator as an adult. You need therapy to stop that cycle of abuse continuing. It has to end with you.

Your partner did not deserve to be slapped. It is understandable you did it, but not justified at all. I am so glad you see that as that is the first step to breaking the cycle of abuse. Now get the therapy.

If he stays with you, you need to be the one to leave the room when you are having an argument and you start to get that angry violent feelings. Not him. And he should not follow you, but give you time and space to get control of yourself again.

Please do this well before having any DC! Because DC can test the limits of all parents, even ones with no history of abuse. You need that extra strength before you become a parent.

If the “Partner” had been decent and for up and left when she asked him to this wouldn’t have even happened

Sorry but while I agree shouting could be a trigger, the one who got physical first by grabbing his arms and pulling on him was the OP. The above end of your post crosses the line into victim blaming. The OP when he refused to leave, should have left the room herself instead of trying to physically enforce her demand on her DP.

@PlanDeRaccordement

If the “Partner” had been decent and for up and left when she asked him to this wouldn’t have even happened

Sorry but while I agree shouting could be a trigger, the one who got physical first by grabbing his arms and pulling on him was the OP. The above end of your post crosses the line into victim blaming. The OP when he refused to leave, should have left the room herself instead of trying to physically enforce her demand on her DP.

I’ve been here before with you and this So no point in revisiting it as we disagree for very good reasons

Why should the partner leave just because he was told to-if he lived there?

Hugely different if he was just visiting though.

OP,
Glad you are going to seek therapy.

Violence is not a path you want to go down.

I don't think your partner sounds very nice.

He sounds belittling and nasty.
Not what you need in your life now.

Mocking you for crying is not something Inwould every forgive or forget from a partner.

He doesn't sound right for you at all.

OP you're behaving like your mother's (and your) abusers. You're not the victim in this scenario and I can only imagine it's other 'victims' of their own rage, who are sympathising with you.

You didn't act out of self defence. You acted out of dominance. You approached him, you tried to drag him off the sofa and then you hit him. You are in no way a victim here.

It's up to you to take responsibility for your behaviour and to get help for it. It's common for victims of abuse to go on to abuse. You are acting out what you saw at home on your partner and he should leave you.

I have no sympathy for abusers OP. You could have left the room to calm down but you chose to attack him. Speak to Respect about your behaviour and get some help.

If the “Partner” had been decent and for up and left when she asked him to this wouldn’t have even happened

So it was his fault? He deserved it?

OP I'm glad you are seeking professional help. You have a lot to work through and I hope you find peace.