I slapped my DP

[Blackisthenewwhite]

As the title says, I slapped my DP.

Back story:

I had an awful childhood, between the ages of me being 5-12 my mother was in an abusive relationship.
Every week without fail, the house would be smashed up, she was physically and mentally abused and I saw things no child should have to see - I saw her being punched & kicked multiple times, I saw her head being smashed through a window, being kicked in the belly whilst pregnant, being dragged across the floor by her hair, being strangled etc etc.
She escaped the relationship because he beat her so badly she ended up in hospital and he went to prison.

Her next relationship was not much better, it was fine for the first couple of years but then the arguments started and in the end he started hitting her. This time she left.

This affected me and I had nightmares for years I still have the odd one now.

I moved out at 18 and aged 20 I got into 10 year relationship with a lovely man, we rarely rowed, a handful of disagreements that whole time, but we decided we were no more than friends in the end and went our separate ways.

I had a couple of years to myself and I have been with my now DP for a year.

Last night we had a row, it came out of
Nowhere really - I was working late and I was really stressed and getting a bit upset,

he just made some stupid comment 'why don't you go and cry about it, grow up' I asked him to leave because I could see the argument brewing, he refused so I got
Up and I pulled his arm to get him up off the sofa to leave.
He jumped up, shouted at me and grabbed my arms, his face was full of rage, my childhood flashed before me and I honestly thought he was going to hit me, so I just slapped him across the face.

I am in no way trying to condole my actions from what happened in my childhood and I feel disgusted and ashamed.
I feel like I need to end the relationship now because I am scared incase it happens again.

My DP promised he wasn't going to hit me and I think I know deep down that he wouldn't.

I don't know what came across me, I've never once hit anyone, never had a fall out with friends, not had a confrontational argument with anyone etc.

I feel sick to my stomach and have been crying all day.

I am no better than the abusers my poor mother was with.

Hi OP, this is a very unfortunate incident. I am not saying that to minimise it in any way, it is a big incident for both of you, but recognising it is. Based on how you responded to it this has clearly devastated you. But please do not destroy you belief in yourself by making it anything more than what it is, a very unfortunate incident.

Secondly, arguments are healthy. So how about coming to an agreement with you bf on how each of you would like to bicker, argue or disagree, and what each would not like to do/see/ hear. This can make sure you feel safe/ unthreatened and he can still start an argument...meaning neither is on egg-shells around the other in case something bad happens.

When you're ready, maybe a therapist could help you with any un-addressed emotions.

@BonneMaman77

Hi OP, this is a very unfortunate incident. I am not saying that to minimise it in any way, it is a big incident for both of you, but recognising it is. Based on how you responded to it this has clearly devastated you. But please do not destroy you belief in yourself by making it anything more than what it is, a very unfortunate incident.

Secondly, arguments are healthy. So how about coming to an agreement with you bf on how each of you would like to bicker, argue or disagree, and what each would not like to do/see/ hear. This can make sure you feel safe/ unthreatened and he can still start an argument...meaning neither is on egg-shells around the other in case something bad happens.

When you're ready, maybe a therapist could help you with any un-addressed emotions.

Maybe they should start by agreeing that she should not assault him when she is angry. Do you think that would be a good starting place?

@BonneMaman77

Hi OP, this is a very unfortunate incident. I am not saying that to minimise it in any way, it is a big incident for both of you, but recognising it is. Based on how you responded to it this has clearly devastated you. But please do not destroy you belief in yourself by making it anything more than what it is, a very unfortunate incident.

Secondly, arguments are healthy. So how about coming to an agreement with you bf on how each of you would like to bicker, argue or disagree, and what each would not like to do/see/ hear. This can make sure you feel safe/ unthreatened and he can still start an argument...meaning neither is on egg-shells around the other in case something bad happens.

When you're ready, maybe a therapist could help you with any un-addressed emotions.

Yes it really is unfortunate when your partner assaults you. Great way to describe it. Go you. I hope all the men reading this who assault their wives aren’t cheering you on. Go you. 👍🏻

[quote thedancingbear]@Cleverpolly3

My brother's (female) DP threw a hot iron at his head.

No doubt you would have dismissed that as 'reactive abuse' ie. he deserved it.

I find your posts truly sickening. You are a disgrace.[/quote]
Err how would we know that from what youve said?.

Cleverpolly3

If the “Partner” had been decent and for up and left when she asked him to this wouldn’t have even happened

Nice bit of victim blaming there. Well done.

[quote thedancingbear]@Cleverpolly3

My brother's (female) DP threw a hot iron at his head.

No doubt you would have dismissed that as 'reactive abuse' ie. he deserved it.

I find your posts truly sickening. You are a disgrace.[/quote]
I’m not a disgrace I am just approaching this from a different angle and it not a apologists one.
I’m merely allowing my own experiences and research to inform me .

I have no interest in scoring other posters abuse anecdotes including the lobbing
of hot irons nor does it invalidate what I have written.

I am talking about a failure to really unpick the realities of abuse for victims of any sex in terms of behaviour that such abuse might be said to result in . I am not seeking to exonerate anything.

Your anger should not be directed at me. That is a waste of time and energy especially if you knew my circumstances

@thedancingbear

I’m going to assume he deserved it? He made her do it? He provoked her? He’s bigger than her so it’s ok? Or it didn’t happen? It’ll be one (or all) of those

He's an annoying bastard. He is certainly not a perfect human being. There may have been an element of causation.

But, @Cleverpolly3, there is no acceptable level of domestic violence, however much you try to intellectualise your excuses. Absolutely none.

All I am saying is sometimes we need to dig deeper and see what abuse does to people. It can render victims less passive because they have no choice

It is not about intellectualising excuses.

In the very specific context of reactive abuse for want of a better term, an excuse can in fact be a reason.

As I have explained on previous threads, things that have happened in some victims behaviours are desired and engineered on the part of their abuser.
It’s not really about the OP it’s beyond that.

Calling me a disgrace for my sadly knowing what all the above means abs the pain it caused is low.

I am talking about a failure to really unpick the realities of abuse for victims of any sex in terms of behaviour that such abuse might be said to result in . I am not seeking to exonerate anything.

When you've written post after pseudo-intellectual post explaining away men who wallop women on the basis that 'we have failed to unpick the dynamics of abuse' and 'I am better informed than you because of my experiences', then I'll start listening to you.

Show me where you've done this, where the sexes are reversed. Direct me to the posts and the threads. Show me where.

Until you've done that, damned right I will continue to direct my anger at DV apologists, such as you.

@thedancingbear

I am talking about a failure to really unpick the realities of abuse for victims of any sex in terms of behaviour that such abuse might be said to result in . I am not seeking to exonerate anything.

When you've written post after pseudo-intellectual post explaining away men who wallop women on the basis that 'we have failed to unpick the dynamics of abuse' and 'I am better informed than you because of my experiences', then I'll start listening to you.

Show me where you've done this, where the sexes are reversed. Direct me to the posts and the threads. Show me where.

Until you've done that, damned right I will continue to direct my anger at DV apologists, such as you.

In trying not to laugh albeit in a hollow way because if you only knew what my life was like.

I have done nothing of the sort

I have written that it is never right to hit someone but that is is not linear in terms of the dynamics of abusive relationships where power and control feature heavily. Sadly that is likely to be men doing the latter.

I am talking about why people - yes mostly women - who she been abused lash out and defend themselves or behave in ways engineered by their abuser

You have decided what you think I’m saying. It isn’t what I’m saying.

It is in reality the antithesis of victim blaming

I'm not saying what you done was acceptable but I absolutely get a fight or flight response to a split second flashback when he grabbed your arms. In that split second your brain decided that you weren't going to be defenceless. It's very common when dealing with trauma memories.

The fact you feel genuine remorse and recognise your fault signifies you are not an abuser. You could/would benefit from some trauma therapy though to help you cope and react differently should such a situation arise again.

@CombatBarbie

I'm not saying what you done was acceptable but I absolutely get a fight or flight response to a split second flashback when he grabbed your arms. In that split second your brain decided that you weren't going to be defenceless. It's very common when dealing with trauma memories.

The fact you feel genuine remorse and recognise your fault signifies you are not an abuser. You could/would benefit from some trauma therapy though to help you cope and react differently should such a situation arise again.

What on earth are you talking about. The physical abuse started when she started trying to drag her DP off the sofa. Flight or fight response my arse.

The slap - the second act of abuse - came later.

And if you are abuse someone, you're an abuser. It's what the word means.

@thedancingbear the abuse started when she asked him to leave and he refused!!! She rightly tried to diffuse the situation because she knew it was escalating by asking him to leave.

The fact you feel genuine remorse and recognise your fault signifies you are not an abuser.

To anyone reading this who is beaten by a partner and stays because that's partner says they are sorry and / or they realise they shouldn't have done it.. the above (while perhaps a well meaning post) is NOT true. Absolutely, absolutely not true.

Many abusers are sorry every time. Many abusers know are wrong every time.

They are abusers by definition because they abuse, not dependent on their reasons for abusing or level of remorse for abusing.

Abuse has no place ever, whatsoever in a healthy relationship. Ever.

[quote CombatBarbie]@thedancingbear the abuse started when she asked him to leave and he refused!!! She rightly tried to diffuse the situation because she knew it was escalating by asking him to leave.

[/quote]
If my DP asked me to leave my house in the middle of an argument-or indeed at any time-I would refuse as well!

Only on mumsnet is domestic violence understandable. What a load of bollocks.
I've lost so much respect for this website.

I'd say that's self defence OP. Even without a traumatic childhood, a lot of us might worry we were going to be hit if a bloke got in our face like that.

Your motive was just to protect yourself from harm. It doesn't matter whether he was going to harm you or not (you still can't know that for sure) he appeared as if he was and that's what you acted based on.

I still wouldn't trust him if it were me. He got quite aggro.

He jumped up, shouted at me and grabbed my arms, his face was full of rage

I've never had a partner who's grabbed my arms in rage. His actions weren't normal and fear is a healthy response to them.

@me4real

I'd say that's self defence OP. Even without a traumatic childhood, a lot of us might worry we were going to be hit if a bloke got in our face like that.

Your motive was just to protect yourself from harm. It doesn't matter whether he was going to harm you or not (you still can't know that for sure) he appeared as if he was and that's what you acted based on.

I still wouldn't trust him if it were me. He got quite aggro.

She got physical first trying to pull him off the sofa and then she hit him. How does that end up as self defence? She shouldn't have put her hands on him once let alone twice. If he was in her face it was because she walked over and got up close to pull him that wasn't his fault either. What he said wasn't nice but it shouldn't have led to physical violence.

DV is never OK, doesn't matter if you've had a bad childhood. The OP knows she was wrong so why try and make out it was his fault.

"It sounds wholly understandable that you slapped him .. he was very rude"

Another person starts their post with
"You poor thing"

Total double standards.
If a man slaps a woman no one says "poor you, you had an awful childhood..."

@Recessed

You felt under threat and lashed out. Not ideal but understandable. Male and female violence is not equal no matter how many on here say otherwise. He was aggressive, he is (presumably) bigger and stronger than you, he wouldn't leave your house when you asked him to and he grabbed you while full of rage. Pretty much every man can physically overpower their female partner the power dynamic is different. I doubt he was scared for his life after you hit him, as a woman would have been in that situation. Still, you need to deal with your childhood trauma and I would take a step back from this relationship until you're in a better headspace.

This is rubbish

If a woman slaps a man it's ok
If a man slaps a woman it's really bad

You are demeaning yourself even trying to justify this

My response is based on the fact that it seems to me from her posts the OP is truly devastated by her own behaviour. She and her partner seem to have reconciled with what happened and need to move on as a couple. My response was to help them move on from this one incident.

I am not condoning her behaviour but giving a perspective which may help in the moving on.

What would you have her do? Go to the police and insist on being jailed? That’s fine too if that is the advice you feel is right in this situation.

@Sillawithans

Only on mumsnet is domestic violence understandable. What a load of bollocks. I've lost so much respect for this website.

Amen. Someone with common sense at last

We were in MY HOUSE, we do not live together

I asked him to leave because a row was brewing after his 'go and cry about it' comment - he refused, I asked him again, he refused again.
I got up and pulled his arm, not in a violent way, a way that you would just pull someone's arm as if you were helping them up sort of thing... like 'come on, up you get and leave'
I would not class me pulling his arm as a violent act of abuse.

The slap is not something I will ever forgive myself for. I feel sick to my stomach about it.
I have frightened myself.

To recap: The way he jumped up along with the look on this face and grabbed my arms was what frightened me and my reaction was to just pull away and slap. I have no excuses for it, it was just my reaction.
As I said, I've never slapped anyone before / been violent before, I've never even had a face to face argument like that before! Bickers yes, but with my exDp, one of us would just get up and leave the room.
I should have done that in theory, but I was in the middle of a large project I needed to get finished and I just wanted him to go.

I came on here to get some advice on what to do for the best, not to cause an argument over if it's okay from women to hit men etc.

A lot of people have suggested therapy, I've been looking all evening and I've even signed up for an anger management course online, to see if that helps me learn to react differently / keep calm.

Thank you all once again.

Bottom line is you are human and can lose your temper, anyone can ,ONCE .You can learn from this and if you feel it’s going to happen again you walk away .If you succumb to these violent urges you need to leave until you have learned to control them .
There are horribly violent people out there who for any number of reasons will not change .To equate yourself with them over one violent incident makes no sense .
A frightened dog will bite it doesn’t mean he’s vicious -he’s just scared

Had you posted as a woman who'd been hit by an abusive partner everyone would be advising to ltb, call the police, tell friends and family for support, call women's aid and go no contact. Rarely does the abuser post asking for advice.
I too had a terrible childhood, absolutely horrific. How many times have I raised my hand to my partner, that would be zero. I cannot stand when adults blame their shitty behaviour on a bad childhood, it does not give you a free pass to abuse people, end of.

Do a Google search for support for domestic violence abusers in your area.

Of course you're sorry, that's what they all say.