I slapped my DP

[Blackisthenewwhite]

As the title says, I slapped my DP.

Back story:

I had an awful childhood, between the ages of me being 5-12 my mother was in an abusive relationship.
Every week without fail, the house would be smashed up, she was physically and mentally abused and I saw things no child should have to see - I saw her being punched & kicked multiple times, I saw her head being smashed through a window, being kicked in the belly whilst pregnant, being dragged across the floor by her hair, being strangled etc etc.
She escaped the relationship because he beat her so badly she ended up in hospital and he went to prison.

Her next relationship was not much better, it was fine for the first couple of years but then the arguments started and in the end he started hitting her. This time she left.

This affected me and I had nightmares for years I still have the odd one now.

I moved out at 18 and aged 20 I got into 10 year relationship with a lovely man, we rarely rowed, a handful of disagreements that whole time, but we decided we were no more than friends in the end and went our separate ways.

I had a couple of years to myself and I have been with my now DP for a year.

Last night we had a row, it came out of
Nowhere really - I was working late and I was really stressed and getting a bit upset,

he just made some stupid comment 'why don't you go and cry about it, grow up' I asked him to leave because I could see the argument brewing, he refused so I got
Up and I pulled his arm to get him up off the sofa to leave.
He jumped up, shouted at me and grabbed my arms, his face was full of rage, my childhood flashed before me and I honestly thought he was going to hit me, so I just slapped him across the face.

I am in no way trying to condole my actions from what happened in my childhood and I feel disgusted and ashamed.
I feel like I need to end the relationship now because I am scared incase it happens again.

My DP promised he wasn't going to hit me and I think I know deep down that he wouldn't.

I don't know what came across me, I've never once hit anyone, never had a fall out with friends, not had a confrontational argument with anyone etc.

I feel sick to my stomach and have been crying all day.

I am no better than the abusers my poor mother was with.

OP,
I repeat I think you should finish with him.

You are rightly very upset at striking him.

His refusal to leave your home and mocking you is very unpleasant.

I think the dynamic is toxic and is best moving on from.

Therapy will definitely benefit you.

Continuing a relationship with him won't.

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

Look into working with your vagus nerve and parasympathetic system. It can make a huge difference to those of us with unprocessed trauma and overactive fight or flight responses. Lots of YouTube videos etc on the subject. Also a book called Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving is very helpful for understanding and managing better some of adult repercussions of childhood abuse.

Thank you - I have ordered the book

Given your past history and his verbal abuse before the incident I can see why the slap happened however he clearly is not a "nice guy" nor is he genuine you should remove yourself from this relationship and work on yourself to prevent history repeating itself it doesn't matter if he has said sorry and "forgiven" you its not the right relationship for you and stands every chance of becoming as toxic as your moms

A real man would have left when you asked and not mocked you

And you should never put your hands on someone

Do the freedom programme and learn about healthy relationships because you don't have a hood understanding of them

There can be reasons behind abuse, for abusers of any sex. Some male abusers will have a very similar background to the OPs, sufferers of child abuse who never dealt with it and are triggered by certain things. But there are no excuses for abuse. The thing the OP needs to take from this that it's not ok to grab or hit, that physical force has no place in a relationship outside actual physical danger that would be considered self defence. This needs to never happen again. The proof of whether OP really feels remorse will be in her actions, not in her words. If she takes responsibility for her behaviour, seeks help and works hard at fixing this and doesn't blame her DP and it doesn't happen again then we could say she is truly remorseful. I don't think it's helpful for her to compare herself to her DMs Ex's but it's also not helpful for posters to say this isn't a big deal, because it is. And if it's not addressed it will get worse over time.

Get the therapy but leave him regardless.

You shouldn’t have slapped him but nice men don’t grab. Honestly. This will escalate on his side too.

@billy1966

OP, Glad you are going to seek therapy.

Violence is not a path you want to go down.

I don't think your partner sounds very nice.

He sounds belittling and nasty.
Not what you need in your life now.

Mocking you for crying is not something Inwould every forgive or forget from a partner.

He doesn't sound right for you at all.

This

@billy1966

OP, I repeat I think you should finish with him.

You are rightly very upset at striking him.

His refusal to leave your home and mocking you is very unpleasant.

I think the dynamic is toxic and is best moving on from.

Therapy will definitely benefit you.

Continuing a relationship with him won't.

And This

I’d love to hear his side of the story

@Wherearemymarbles

I’d love to hear his side of the story

Why? We've all decided that he's obviously pressed her buttons, and deserves a wallop.

The sad thing is that, even if you only give a flying fuck about the welfare of women, there are hard-of-thinking men who will read this thread and think 'feminism has gone to far', 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander' etc. and will behave accordingly. So, ironically, those posters who convey that sometimes people deserve the DV they get, are actually endangering other women.

@Bluntness100 What is actually wrong with you?? You are ALWAYS the contrary one on almost EVERY single thread I read.
Whenever I consider posting a thread of my own, my first thought is always "What nonsense will Bluntness100 come out with?" How will Bluntness100 try to bite at me?

I just wanted to say if you are with someone and you think they are so angry you are scared I think slapping them is a dangerous thing to do. I think it is more likely to make them violent so not a good idea. I've never had a violent partner so maybe I'm wrong but I would have thought getting away from them was a safer bet. Maybe someone with experience could advise?

OP I don't say this to make you beat yourself up more but rather to try and help you make sense of what happened - it is a violent act to try and force someone to get off the sofa by pulling their arm. You need to recognise that both not to do it again and not to accept it if someone does it to you.

I know a lot of people say arguing is normal/healthy etc but if you’ve had an abusive childhood shouting and aggression can be very triggering. Personally I don’t think it’s healthy for adults to deal with disagreements by shouting at one another, adults should be able to talk about things calmly or take a break.

I can see how it would have been upsetting when he wouldn’t leave your home and safe space after being asked. On the other hand physical aggression was unacceptable but you already know this. His reaction to you asking him to leave was also unacceptable.

I would be looking at ending the relationship unless you are both willing to do some serious work. Once agression and violence enters a relationship it can be difficult to move on.