I slapped my DP

[Blackisthenewwhite]

As the title says, I slapped my DP.

Back story:

I had an awful childhood, between the ages of me being 5-12 my mother was in an abusive relationship.
Every week without fail, the house would be smashed up, she was physically and mentally abused and I saw things no child should have to see - I saw her being punched & kicked multiple times, I saw her head being smashed through a window, being kicked in the belly whilst pregnant, being dragged across the floor by her hair, being strangled etc etc.
She escaped the relationship because he beat her so badly she ended up in hospital and he went to prison.

Her next relationship was not much better, it was fine for the first couple of years but then the arguments started and in the end he started hitting her. This time she left.

This affected me and I had nightmares for years I still have the odd one now.

I moved out at 18 and aged 20 I got into 10 year relationship with a lovely man, we rarely rowed, a handful of disagreements that whole time, but we decided we were no more than friends in the end and went our separate ways.

I had a couple of years to myself and I have been with my now DP for a year.

Last night we had a row, it came out of
Nowhere really - I was working late and I was really stressed and getting a bit upset,

he just made some stupid comment 'why don't you go and cry about it, grow up' I asked him to leave because I could see the argument brewing, he refused so I got
Up and I pulled his arm to get him up off the sofa to leave.
He jumped up, shouted at me and grabbed my arms, his face was full of rage, my childhood flashed before me and I honestly thought he was going to hit me, so I just slapped him across the face.

I am in no way trying to condole my actions from what happened in my childhood and I feel disgusted and ashamed.
I feel like I need to end the relationship now because I am scared incase it happens again.

My DP promised he wasn't going to hit me and I think I know deep down that he wouldn't.

I don't know what came across me, I've never once hit anyone, never had a fall out with friends, not had a confrontational argument with anyone etc.

I feel sick to my stomach and have been crying all day.

I am no better than the abusers my poor mother was with.

@SoupDragon

If the “Partner” had been decent and for up and left when she asked him to this wouldn’t have even happened

So it was his fault? He deserved it?

If I thought he deserved it I would have written this

It’s not about deserving. That sort of comment is naive and obscures that complex reality of what abuse is.

As I wrote it is necessary to understand the context and situation but not condone it. Something you and others seem incapable of.
The OP know what she did isn’t right
Im not saying it is right I’m saying that it’s not as straightforward as some people make out. Beyond the surface level concept of violence is wrong there is a whole other world of fight and flight, trauma, lived experience, poor choices, repeat mistakes , invisible abuse and so forth. Sadly only those who have inhabited those realms appear to be able to get their hands around this on this particular discussion.

If the person knows what they did is wrong some might say the vilification of them is neither necessary nor helpful in terms of securing any meaningful improvements or outcomes and I say that for Men as well as women

Do those people saying he should have just ‘got up and left’ when the OP told him to, still think that if he lived there??

It’s reassuring to see that Mumsnet is still the home of double standards, as always.

As usual here come the apologists for DV against men. There’s a sizeable minority on every thread like this who will victim blame, excuse the perpetrator and sometimes deny that DV against men exists.

A lot of the same names do it time after time.

I think history might be repeating itself I am sorry - and I don't mean the slap! Why would you want to be with someone so nasty who would say something like this to you? 'why don't you go and cry about it, grow up' I think you need to be careful you don't choose the same type of men your mother did.

Doesn't sound like this relationship is ever going to make you feel good about yourself or fully at ease. Best to move on I think.

@BillMasen

As usual here come the apologists for DV against men. There’s a sizeable minority on every thread like this who will victim blame, excuse the perpetrator and sometimes deny that DV against men exists.

A lot of the same names do it time after time.

I could also write that here come the people who have no ability or interest in getting to grips with what domestic abuse and domestic violence really are

The OP is clearly devastated by her actions even though someone saw fit to describe her are “boasting” The incident has clearly been a tipping point in her deciding to seek help

Incidentally many people who you describe as apologists for this woman might well have been victims of DA. Myself included and I can tell you I abhor violence. I can also tell you I have been on situations where my survival depended on being able to physically extricate myself and my children living and unborn at the time from what we were enduring. That involved things I never though I’ve have to ever do but it stemmed fro exposure to and infliction of things I thought went beyond my worst nightmare

What would be helpful is if people understood and respected this sort of thing and as well how living with as a child with this sort of horror can utterly impede your life and choices you make.

Interestingly most victims of abuse who themselves react physically to being abused or terrorised are full of shame and disgust. Unlike those who intentionally inflict abs manage a campaign of it

This sort of thing is desperately sad whether the victim is a man or a woman.

So if a man is genuinely upset and remorseful does that make it ok as well then? As it seems to be zero tolerance when a man does it but if a woman is remorseful then it’s ok?

If I thought he deserved it I would have written this

You said it was his fault. Think about that for a moment.

@BillMasen

As usual here come the apologists for DV against men. There’s a sizeable minority on every thread like this who will victim blame, excuse the perpetrator and sometimes deny that DV against men exists.

A lot of the same names do it time after time.

And, sadly, they don't seem to appreciate that every post condoning DV is a post condoning more women being assaulted.

It doesn't matter that in this case it's a man who was attacked. Once you start with, "...but it's understandable because he didn't leave when you told him to..." that's another excuse for a man to attack a woman.

It's very sad that we don't seem to be able to say that violence is never excusable, full stop.

[quote Cleverpolly3]@Bluntness100

No boasting from the OP as far as I can see
So I’d avoid putting words in her mouth[/quote]
I’m guessing you’re new and don’t know how to use the site? When someone quotes a post they are referring back to the poster they quoted not the op.

@Bluntness100

Now I’m not new. I’ve had the pleasure of reading many of your posts

I tried to quote you but couldn’t.
You were replying to @Branleuse

Reading your post it’s all about justifying why you reacted the way you did and how awful you feel about it. You haven’t fully taken accountability for your actions. You physically assaulted him by trying to pull him off the chair and then when he shouted you are pulling the “I was scared” card as justification for having slapped him. You use your previous 10 year relationship as a “I never did this with my ex”

I understand you had a traumatic childhood but acts of violence are never okay and nor are they acts of love.

You haven’t considered how your partner is feeling but have said if it was the other way around then you would leave.

@Bluntness100
And if you were a man, assuming you are female. Would you have tried to physically drag your girlfriend off the sofa then given her a good slap too? And boasted about it online? About how you’d give your girlfriend a good slap? Or do you only think it’s ok for women to assault men?

I dont think its really ok for either to assault each other unprovoked, but in this case it was a fear reaction. Jeez. If a man gets up in your face with rage and terrifies you then its hardly unexpected that someone might lash out. If you poke a dog and it nips you, it isnt the same as a dog attacking you out of nowhere.

I hardly think this man is in danger or it should be treated as if this woman is some sort of domestic abuser on this one incident that was clearly provoked

and some people are so desperate to prove that DV against men by women is just as endemic and dangerous as the other way round, they will jump on any occasion where a woman defends herself mildly as if its the same as a big bloke giving a woman a beating. Its so tedious.

@Branleuse so are you saying that being provoked can justify a physical reaction?

@Branleuse

and some people are so desperate to prove that DV against men by women is just as endemic and dangerous as the other way round, they will jump on any occasion where a woman defends herself mildly as if its the same as a big bloke giving a woman a beating. Its so tedious.

I don’t think anyone is desperate to say it’s just as endemic, it’s not.

Why are you so desperate to minimise it?

think its really ok for either to assault each other unprovoked, but in this case it was a fear reaction

No It wasn’t. She was already trying to physically drag him off the sofa, that’s why he grabbed her,

[quote BillMasen]@Branleuse so are you saying that being provoked can justify a physical reaction?[/quote]
yes sometimes. The law does tend to make allowances for this too. If this went to court it would not go anywhere. Self defence is taken into consideration. Not sure why you dont think it should be?

im not sure why people here are so keen to kick the OP when shes already down. Jesus, I dont know how anyone can read that post and not get why she reacted and are acting like she gave this guy a beating

@Branleuse

and some people are so desperate to prove that DV against men by women is just as endemic and dangerous as the other way round, they will jump on any occasion where a woman defends herself mildly as if its the same as a big bloke giving a woman a beating. Its so tedious.

I completely agree

There is a growing body of research and thinking in DA therapy snd writing around what is in layman’s terms “reactive abuse”

It’s pointless trying to explain or deal with the nuances or indeed the individual circumstances of anyone because of course refuges are overflowing with male victims of DA and their children there are loads of national DAPP for women, way more men than women get NMO and Restreaining a orders and indeed are hospitalised, killed, abused through their children and economically controlled. Right

And @BillMasen the element of provocation and then weaponising the reaction it sets up is well known as a technique of narcissistic and controlling abusers. What night be seen as a vignette or an isolated occurrence or indeed exhorted through abuse itself is then stretched and exaggerated to deflect form the provenance of abuse ie the non victim who got what they wanted. The fight or flight reaction can also said to be triggered by this due to latent unresolved trauma.

Lots of people on Mumsnet think they understand abuse and condemn it but the reality is they are conversant in and aware of the tip of the iceberg and not much else. Thankfully for them perhaps but certainly to the detriment of the wider debate and the greater understanding required

So you’re wasting your time @Branleuse and any other of you like minded folk. Those who don’t understand think we’re actually saying the bloke deserves a slap. Like I say, pointless.

@Cleverpolly3

My brother's (female) DP threw a hot iron at his head.

No doubt you would have dismissed that as 'reactive abuse' ie. he deserved it.

I find your posts truly sickening. You are a disgrace.

@Cleverpolly3

It’s pointless to explain the nuances to us lot is it? We’d not understand? Thanks for being patronising

Reducto ad absurdum as well. Nice. No one is claiming refuges are overflowing with men so don’t be so daft. I myself said there no disputing the numbers are massively swayed with vastly more women victims, but yeah whatever we’re all claiming that.

And some on here have literally said he deserves it!

Tbf your posts have been more measured and raise some good points. I still feel you’re coming down more on the side of apologising though.

Others are blatant.

[quote thedancingbear]@Cleverpolly3

My brother's (female) DP threw a hot iron at his head.

No doubt you would have dismissed that as 'reactive abuse' ie. he deserved it.

I find your posts truly sickening. You are a disgrace.[/quote]
I’m going to assume he deserved it? He made her do it? He provoked her? He’s bigger than her so it’s ok? Or it didn’t happen? It’ll be one (or all) of those

I’m going to assume he deserved it? He made her do it? He provoked her? He’s bigger than her so it’s ok? Or it didn’t happen? It’ll be one (or all) of those

He's an annoying bastard. He is certainly not a perfect human being. There may have been an element of causation.

But, @Cleverpolly3, there is no acceptable level of domestic violence, however much you try to intellectualise your excuses. Absolutely none.