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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Played by Ex, self worth in the toilet

118 replies

Burnedbeyondbelief · 19/06/2021 19:58

Hi

Just need some advice and a stern talking to here. I was on and off with my ex for 4 years. I know now what a complete waste of time it all was…I was blamed for all sorts, being too impatient, pestering him to move the relationship forward etc. Nothing I did was good enough and he frequently disappeared for weeks and would completely give me the silent treatment. I am 41 and he is 38.
Anyway I did a period of no contact a few months ago and started to feel better. He got in touch as he does every single time and we started to talk and he wanted us to continue talking, said all the right things, I was a lot calmer etc and we started to talk everyday and planned to meet up.
Long story short I found out that he actually was already in a relationship and had been since middle of last year. She doesn’t know I exist and for my own personal reasons I won’t be telling her at all so no judgement please on that one (long story).
So effectively she started out the OW and over time I became the OW without actually knowing!
He says he loves her, she has already been shown commitment and things that I could NEVER get and worst of all she’s 28. She has been integrated into his life etc.
He told me he never wanted more children, we each have our own children from previous marriages but now he’s saying he is open to the idea of a family with her etc.
Since finding this out he has been saying he wants to give me a chance and spend time with me obviously he just wants his cake and eat it. I won’t be doing this and I’m in no contact. I have been completely played all these years and he had no intention of moving us forward and I was just a well kept secret.

The issue is I feel awful! My self worth is shattered, my heart is broken and I’m starting over at 41. I can’t see how I’ll ever trust anyone again and also now I just think that all men want younger women! I was so so stupid all this time.
I just need a handhold and some positive stories that this will get better Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 19/06/2021 20:16

I guess i ultimately feel like I wasn’t good enough for the commitment and a proper relationship with him

OP posts:
user1471462428 · 19/06/2021 20:21

You are going to feel awful for awhile but in a few years you’ll view this as a lucky escape. Cut all ties from him and concentrate on healing yourself. BTW it’s never too late to find true love, I went to a wedding of octogenarians and out of the many weddings I’ve attended it felt about real love rather than a show that weddings of people in their twenties often put on. You deserve real love.

Crimeismymiddlename · 19/06/2021 20:30

Give it time, I feel awful for you, the feeling of not being good enough is the worst feeling in the world. I would however have a long think about why you were ok with him being so horrible to you, it’s not that you weren’t good enough-it’s that he treated you like you weren’t. That other women will probably get the same treatment before long-I bet he was dead nice to you in the beginning saying all the right things. The nice thing is he is busy so won’t be harassing you for a while, and you can get over him in peace, when he does crawl out of his rock you can just ignore him.

Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 19/06/2021 20:30

Thank you for the reply.
Just have all sorts running through my head, wish I could just forget it ever happened.
If I hadn’t of found out about her we would still be seeing each other.

When I pressed him for info once I found out he just said our sex was so good he couldn’t give it up. Which makes me feel even worse!! It was only ever about that and he still hopes I’ll hook up with him!!

OP posts:
kiddo5467 · 19/06/2021 21:00

He says he loves her, she has already been shown commitment and things that I could NEVER get and worst of all she’s 28. She has been integrated into his life etc.

He doesn't love her. He's been with her less than a year and has already cheated on her and would still currently be cheating if you had gone along with it.

If this is how he's treating her already then god help her down the road!!

At least it can give you a degree of comfort that it's not you. Sounds like he'd treat any woman the same if they let him!!

So it's not personal and not a reflection on you in the slightest. He's an absolute dickhead.
He's treating this new 28 year old the same so don't think he loves/respects her more or is more committed to her. Poor woman!

Lucky escape for you Thanks

Maggiesfarm · 19/06/2021 21:35

Oh he really didn't have to be so unkind. Honestly you couldn't make it up.

Of course you are good enough for him - too good. He has just found someone who appears, at the moment, to suit him better.

You really have had a lucky escape even though it may not feel that way now; you can do far better than a man who has such a casual, cruel attitude to the feelings of someone with whom he has been having a relationship.

I am so furious on your behalf.

Flowers Wine

Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 19/06/2021 21:47

He is cruel yes! He was so worried about her finding out and telling me it would destroy her life and his life blah blah. I said to him well I very much doubt it would destroy her life….it would mean she would get the chance to get out early and meet someone to marry and have a family with that will treat her well!
It did not care a jot about how I felt, he said I didn’t deserve it blah blah but then in the next breath would say things like if I wanted a night of good sex then all I had to do was say and he would oblige! Then the next day tell me that he wanted to give us a chance and he was willing to see if I had changed for the better as he wouldn’t ever have wanted a relationship with the old me.
Absolute head f**k

OP posts:
aloris · 19/06/2021 22:01

" he was willing to see if I had changed for the better as he wouldn’t ever have wanted a relationship with the old me."

Anyone who would say this to you is not worth your time and does not deserve you.

Maggiesfarm · 19/06/2021 22:44

It gets worse!
Honestly, some mothers do have 'em. I'm lost for words.

Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 19/06/2021 22:57

I just can’t believe that for me there was always the goalposts being moved and I would get this that and the next thing if I was just more patient or chilled or whatever. And I never ever got anything. She’s had it all handed to her on a plate.

It just really gets to me.

OP posts:
kiddo5467 · 19/06/2021 23:11

@Burnedbeyondbelief

I just can’t believe that for me there was always the goalposts being moved and I would get this that and the next thing if I was just more patient or chilled or whatever. And I never ever got anything. She’s had it all handed to her on a plate. It just really gets to me.

What's being handed to her on a plate tho? Nothing id want anyway.

Less than a year in and he's already cheated on her with you (and that's best case, there could be others). He's still trying to sleep with you behind her back.

Hardly a catch. And if that's how he's treating her now, it's only going to go downhill from here.

No way he loves or respects her 🤷🏻‍♀️

seensome · 19/06/2021 23:16

Don't believe all what he said, he's playing you, he wants you feeling jealous so you crave him, he enjoys you wanting him when he says he wouldn't give you the commitment like he's offering his gf, see it as bullshit, him cheating on her, he obviously does not want commitment with either of you, I highly doubt his gf will stay around long enough to settle for him when she finds out who he really is, there is no loss here, I'm glad you are in no contact now, keep it this way, in time you will look back and thank yourself for breaking away from him.

Rainbowqueeen · 19/06/2021 23:17

You are way too good for him. He sounds nasty

Don’t just block him but also delete so the temptation is not there

Focus on things that make you feel good. Write a list. Also a list of things you’d like to try but haven’t.

I wouldn’t think about dating right now. You need time to heal and to appreciate yourself first.
Best wishes

66babe · 20/06/2021 09:06

@Burnedbeyondbelief

I just can’t believe that for me there was always the goalposts being moved and I would get this that and the next thing if I was just more patient or chilled or whatever. And I never ever got anything. She’s had it all handed to her on a plate. It just really gets to me.
It may feel like that just now but we have no idea how she is really feeling or being treated

He's a twat , you deserve better
Be thankful he's not your problem
Pull up your big girl pants and move on
💐💐💐

Naunet · 20/06/2021 09:55

Do you really think he’s treating her better though? Would you really rather be in her position? He’s going to hurt her deeply when she finds out he’s be stringing her on and lying. You at least know the truth, that’s a much better position to be in.

I think you need to cut him off, he’s a time waster and game player, and frankly, a horrible selfish person. Next time though, if anyone makes you feel like you just need to jump through hoop after hoop to be with them, stop - no man will ever respect you for dancing to his tune. You need to set boundaries, know what you expect from someone and don’t accept anything less. Make him work for you.

Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 20/06/2021 10:06

I have learnt many valuable lessons and I realise just how much effort I completely wasted on him. I was completely in love with him and I guess I do still love him but I know that it’s done and I know I couldn’t put myself through this with anyone in the future.
He does put all the blame on me. There is no point in me even trying to explain to him how I felt and how he made me feel and that really the reason I was so erratic at times (as he used to say) was because I just couldn’t get anywhere at all!
I feel like a right bag of crap at the minute. He gave me a while speech about how he has never been attracted to someone more (me) and that if only I had done things differently we would have been in a totally different position. I just don’t believe anything he says.
No contact is going to suck big time because I know that’s it, it’s the finality of it that’s overwhelming.

And all these things I read about i people jot getting over exes or that it’s harder for women my age to meet good men….it just fills me with dread!

OP posts:
Marineboy67 · 20/06/2021 10:07

You say she's had everything handed to her on a plate. In reality she's living a lie with a cheating lying bastard that will end up shagging another woman at the earliest opportunity. She's being played just like you've been.
I would let her know immediately and give her and you a chance to move forward and find happiness.
Don't let this bastard continue to hurt women like this in the future, expose him and teach him a valuable lesson in respecting others.

kiddo5467 · 20/06/2021 10:09

It's great you've come to this realIsation @Burnedbeyondbelief you deserve so so much better than this.

When you go NC you need to block him on all platforms AND delete all contact details so you're not tempted to get in touch

Naunet · 20/06/2021 10:11

He gave me a while speech about how he has never been attracted to someone more (me) and that if only I had done things differently we would have been in a totally different position

Wow, he really thinks he’s a prize doesn’t he?! You should have told him if he wasn’t a cheating selfish idiot, you might be upset that things hadn’t worked out. Arrogant sod!

kiddo5467 · 20/06/2021 10:11

You say you can't let the new GF know? Why not??

I don't think you should waste anymore time on the situation or become any more involved which is why I completely support your decision not to. I just wondered what your reasons are?

gindreams · 20/06/2021 10:14

I had to keep reading this when I was struggling

Original poster
Burnedbeyondbelief · 20/06/2021 10:22

I did need to read that and I will read it again many times! I do think she’s inspired him to be this amazing version of himself and the Facebook snooping I did showed them to be loves young dream and it was like a knife in the heart!
But I have to remember that he’s also been with me throughout and even after I found on and he went full panic mode, he still tried to get me to continue seeing him (because in his words the sex is too good to give up).

OP posts:
gindreams · 20/06/2021 10:50

@Burnedbeyondbelief

Honestly I went mental about something similar and a good few months on I am just relieved that a poisonous person is no longer in my life !

It will get easier give it time and block him on everything

gindreams · 20/06/2021 10:53

Plus give dating a miss for a while

Catch up with your friends, spend time
Doing all the things you love doing, I forced myself out and joined a boxing club to
Pass the time

The bonus is I became a lot fitter and made some new friends and felt a lot better about myself

I had to delete Instagram to stop myself checking up on my ex and his new girlfriend!