Played by Ex, self worth in the toilet

[Burnedbeyondbelief]

Hi

Just need some advice and a stern talking to here. I was on and off with my ex for 4 years. I know now what a complete waste of time it all was…I was blamed for all sorts, being too impatient, pestering him to move the relationship forward etc. Nothing I did was good enough and he frequently disappeared for weeks and would completely give me the silent treatment. I am 41 and he is 38.
Anyway I did a period of no contact a few months ago and started to feel better. He got in touch as he does every single time and we started to talk and he wanted us to continue talking, said all the right things, I was a lot calmer etc and we started to talk everyday and planned to meet up.
Long story short I found out that he actually was already in a relationship and had been since middle of last year. She doesn’t know I exist and for my own personal reasons I won’t be telling her at all so no judgement please on that one (long story).
So effectively she started out the OW and over time I became the OW without actually knowing!
He says he loves her, she has already been shown commitment and things that I could NEVER get and worst of all she’s 28. She has been integrated into his life etc.
He told me he never wanted more children, we each have our own children from previous marriages but now he’s saying he is open to the idea of a family with her etc.
Since finding this out he has been saying he wants to give me a chance and spend time with me obviously he just wants his cake and eat it. I won’t be doing this and I’m in no contact. I have been completely played all these years and he had no intention of moving us forward and I was just a well kept secret.

The issue is I feel awful! My self worth is shattered, my heart is broken and I’m starting over at 41. I can’t see how I’ll ever trust anyone again and also now I just think that all men want younger women! I was so so stupid all this time.
I just need a handhold and some positive stories that this will get better

He’s already blocked me on Facebook, he did it ages ago and pretended to me that he had deleted Facebook when in fact he was trying to stop me from discovering anything (I know I know how silly of me!!)
I’ve blocked her on Facebook so I don’t look and I’ve seen enough to make me feel miserable.
I’m trying to keep myself busy and also been working out loads (he keeps trying to get me to show him updates on my progress). I’ve got lots of plans over the school holidays etc.
It’s just the loneliness when my son is at his dads house. I realise now that even when me and my ex were together I was still really lonely as he was always too busy to spend time with me for the past year (now I know why).
I would really like the have someone in my life that wants to spend time with me and wants the same things as me. I know what you mean tho…..I’m really not ready to be dating

These are the things I did

I joined some Facebook groups and meet up groups to get out and about a bit

I did lots of online classes with air B and B mainly cooking ones as I loved food

I spent hours on tiktok but actually found places to visit and recipes so it can be worthwhile

I texted friends as sponsors not to message him

But the best thing is blocking him so he can't contact you at all, accepting it's going to be hard but reward yourself for every week you get through it !

I was addicted to the attention and now I am out the other side I feel so much better . There is no massive highs cos I have engaged with him and no massive lows cos I am obsessing

OP, I was in your shoes earlier this year. I still feel like an idiot and I'm mortified that I was essentially assisting him in cheating on his girlfriend - albeit unwittingly as I had no idea she even existed.

The kicker is how 'in love' he is with her when I barely got more than crumbs from him when we were actually together. He saw me as an easy target and he was right, because he knew I'd accepted crumbs before and here I was doing it again.

I've reassessed my boundaries, but I still feel daft. It'll take a while but it'll be fine. Chin up, OP, we know we deserve better.

I was blamed for all sorts, being too impatient, pestering him to move the relationship forward etc. Nothing I did was good enough and he frequently disappeared for weeks and would completely give me the silent treatment.

And you kept having him back? This is a golden opportunity now to block him, bin him, tell him to bog off and don't ever entertain any sort of contact or dialogue with him again. He is a nutcase.

What has she had handed to her on a plate that's worth having?

I do think she’s inspired him to be this amazing version of himself

If this is him as an amazing version of himself, you really need to raise your standards. He’s a lying cheat even at his best.

@Burnedbeyondbelief

I did need to read that and I will read it again many times! I do think she’s inspired him to be this amazing version of himself and the Facebook snooping I did showed them to be loves young dream and it was like a knife in the heart! But I have to remember that he’s also been with me throughout and even after I found on and he went full panic mode, he still tried to get me to continue seeing him (because in his words the sex is too good to give up).

If he truly loved her, if he truly was an amazing version of himself he wouldn't be trying to have sex behind her back. He's the same horrible person that cheated on you with her and now wants to cheat on her with you. Absolutely nothing about him has changed.

Oh my lovely, what a horror he is. Thank goodness you can get away from him without children and mortgages to unpick.

Lucky you were not more entangled. Lick your wounds, move on and don't ignore the red flags going forward in new relationships.

I just feel totally rejected, it only all came to light very recently so I guess it’s all pretty raw still. That’s how it feels tho. He chose someone else over me who is much younger get. All over Facebook about how they make each others heart happy.
When I told him initially that I wouldn’t be entertaining any of his suggestions he then gave me a speech about how it wasn’t fair or right what he had done to her and he wanted her to be happy etc. No consideration about how I felt. Then a few days later back to asking if I wanted a FWB until I met someone else. Anyway last I heard from him yesterday was him messaging to say he would call me on Sunday (when he could do presuming when the GF is away). I ignored it, he sent another saying is that ok for me to call….I ignored….then another saying doesn’t matter I need to go now I’ll call you tomorrow.
He won’t call. This is the first time I’ve ignored him and he will realise that’s my intentions.

I am determined to stay no contact for my own mental well-being.

Block the fucker it's the only way to break the cycle

@Burnedbeyondbelief

He sounds like a narcissistic twat.
The triangulation, the lovebombing, then devaluing you, hoovering, blameshifting and gaslighting etc. etc.

I can see absolutely no redeeming features about him op. You say his GF gets everything handed to her on a plate, well that won't last and she will come to know what sort of person he is. He is playing and using you both as ego boosts, and manipulating your emotions.

He pops in and out of your life like a game of peek a fucking boo, whenever he wants because he wants to know whether he still has you under his control.

You are still in the fog and possibly trauma bonded to him, but well done for ignoring his recent attempts to get in touch with you.

Remove his contact details and block him on every platform to remove any temptation to reach out or check what's going on in his life. Block his GF on FB too.

You need to heal right now and that process will only slow down with reminders of him.

You are not the problem. You are enough on your own and do not owe him anything. Men like him enjoy tearing a woman's self confidence down while they are put on a pedestal. They do not deserve your time and attention.

It will be very difficult right now, but you will be able to see later that you were far too good for that prick and you have had a lucky escape.

I think I am trauma bonded to him yes. I miss his attention, but it was all highs and lows tho. And there have been points today ive felt like reaching out but my pride stops me.
He hasn’t been in touch. I think he must sense that I’m ignoring him and he won’t lose face over this. He will ignore me as well and be thinking that he has the upper hand.

Does it matter that he thinks he has the upper hand? He will certainly twist facts to suit the narrative he is trying to spin and say he dumped you or say you're the crazy one etc. This is image and perception controlling and part of their mind games and you obsessing over this shows he still has control over you. He will probably smear your name and say all sorts of horrible things to mutual acquaintances as well so that he appears to be the hero or victim because that is what people like him do. They are never able to take responsibility for causing pain to others.

As long he is out of your life, then you are free from this poisonous creature and you have room to heal. I think you may need to receive some trauma based therapy to talk about the things you have mentioned here, and to work on yourself rather than focus on why he treated you the way he did.

I have been seeing a therapist the past month, I was making some progress then the whole cheating, double life already being in another relationship hit me which has set me back. It is better to know though or else we would probably be just continuing on as we were.
I just feel really rubbish today and sad about the whole thing

He’s just messaged me saying afternoon….this is just all so rubbish. I wish I could fast forward the next 6 months and feel better or go back in time and never entered this in the first place!

Block him now. Then you won’t get any messages, can pick yourself up and get on with your life

Block him now and remove his number already. You could screenshot the old messages and file them somewhere if you ever need to use it in court if he stalks and harrasses you.

I'm sorry...I know how hard this is.

I have one that doesn't want me but pops up...normally just as I'm.moving on. I've tried to understand intermittent reinforcement etc and why I feel so addicted to him almost.

If you can just block...although this seems impossible. I eventually told mine to.go away and stop talking to me.

Did he leave you alone in the end?

Funny thing is I did a month of no contact before all this drama and I was getting used to it and ignored the few messages he sent. Then I caved when he messaged again when I was on exactly 30 days…..what an idiot! I could of left without knowing all this cheating stuff and with my self respect intact more than it currently is!

@Burnedbeyondbelief This is a game that people like him play. Look up hoovering in narcissistic abuse.

If you tell him that you want nothing to do with him anymore and that he is not to contact you, he may pretend to respect your wishes for a while and then contact you out of the blue because he wants to test whether he still has control over you. They get off on the drama and seeing your reaction.

The toxic person in my life left me alone after I stopped responding to his messages and averted my eyes when I bumped into him on my way to work. Even then, he tried to hoover me 6 months later in public by staring at me with puppy eyes and wisfully calling out my name as I rushed past, and then another two years later by email to explain his behaviour which was just further gaslighting and manipulation. It is fucking creepy and you will wonder what the fuck you ever saw in him.

If you need to, send him one last message to say that you do not wish to hear from him anymore and that he is not to contact you ever again. Then block. If he does it again, then you need to go to the police for harrassment.

That is the only way to do this with your self respect intact. Delete his details now.

@Burnedbeyondbelief

Did he leave you alone in the end?

It doesn't matter if he leaves you alone or not. YOU can take control of this by blocking him, now, right this minute, take out your phone and do it.

@Burnedbeyondbelief

Funny thing is I did a month of no contact before all this drama and I was getting used to it and ignored the few messages he sent. Then I caved when he messaged again when I was on exactly 30 days…..what an idiot! I could of left without knowing all this cheating stuff and with my self respect intact more than it currently is!

...and you certainly should block him given this is what happened last time. Why haven't you blocked him?

It’s all so very weird isn’t it. I’ve read a lot about it recently. If this were happening to a friend I would be like get the hell out now.
I also think it might be an ego thing, my ego is bruised and it’s almost like I want his validation so I can justify the complete waste of time that the last 4 years were.
I probably wouldn’t know how to cope with someone actually giving me attention on and equal normal level!!

It really doesn't matter whether this is trauma bonding or something else. All that matters is that you are a nice, considerate woman with somewhat low self esteem who fell for a cheating lowlife who knows how to manipulate you into doing things that suit him but hurt you very deeply.

Stop fretting about what his next move might be and how you ought to react. Stop doing anything that is not in YOUR best interest. Take control!

Block him now. Just do it. Do it and it's done and you won't have to worry whether he gets back in touch or doesnt.

And read The six Pillars of Self Esteem.