Played by Ex, self worth in the toilet

[Burnedbeyondbelief]

Hi

Just need some advice and a stern talking to here. I was on and off with my ex for 4 years. I know now what a complete waste of time it all was…I was blamed for all sorts, being too impatient, pestering him to move the relationship forward etc. Nothing I did was good enough and he frequently disappeared for weeks and would completely give me the silent treatment. I am 41 and he is 38.
Anyway I did a period of no contact a few months ago and started to feel better. He got in touch as he does every single time and we started to talk and he wanted us to continue talking, said all the right things, I was a lot calmer etc and we started to talk everyday and planned to meet up.
Long story short I found out that he actually was already in a relationship and had been since middle of last year. She doesn’t know I exist and for my own personal reasons I won’t be telling her at all so no judgement please on that one (long story).
So effectively she started out the OW and over time I became the OW without actually knowing!
He says he loves her, she has already been shown commitment and things that I could NEVER get and worst of all she’s 28. She has been integrated into his life etc.
He told me he never wanted more children, we each have our own children from previous marriages but now he’s saying he is open to the idea of a family with her etc.
Since finding this out he has been saying he wants to give me a chance and spend time with me obviously he just wants his cake and eat it. I won’t be doing this and I’m in no contact. I have been completely played all these years and he had no intention of moving us forward and I was just a well kept secret.

The issue is I feel awful! My self worth is shattered, my heart is broken and I’m starting over at 41. I can’t see how I’ll ever trust anyone again and also now I just think that all men want younger women! I was so so stupid all this time.
I just need a handhold and some positive stories that this will get better

@Burnedbeyondbelief

I know what you mean. My best friend wouldn’t mind me calling her. She’s the one who hates him but she’s one of only two people who know all the gory details about everything in the last 4 years. I just feel like I’ve talked about him so much that she will be exasperated. She is pleased though to hear the news! She thinks he’s an actual psychopath and used to email me all these articles about narcissists, gaslighting, negging, emotional abuse etc, she just wanted me to get out

Your friend is absolutely spot on.

You overlooked the red flags and kept yourself in the cycle because of the intermittent reinforcement and trauma bonding.

Your friend is a good egg and she was watching out for you the whole time. People like her are who you need in your life. Thank her for not giving up on you.

I am still really going to miss him tho. I know I shouldn’t

I don't think there is a day goes by without me thinking about my ex.
I'm slowly coming around to being able to remember the some of the good times without regret.

It's better to love some people from afar.

I don’t want to always have him on my mind. The problem is I always start to remember good things then start to overlook the bad things and then i think maybe it was all my fault and I drove him to meet someone else

You will certainly miss him for a while which is why you are particularly vulnerable right now. If you hadn't blocked his number then you would be tempted to reach out to him.

That will pass when you look at the horrible things he did and wonder why you didn't get out sooner.

I found that helpful.
I would remind myself of the terrible things he did to me (never physical) and how I felt when I knew I was constantly lowering my standards on things that were important to me.

You really need to let go of the self blame and talk this through with someone. Go and talk to your best friend who had him sussed, talk to your therapist and make notes on how to get out of this mindset.

Do the good times really outweigh the bad? Would you really want to be in a relationship where it is 20% good and 80% bad? The fact that you have been on and off for 4 years shows that it never worked to start with. Authentic, healthy relationships do not have a patter of on and off.

Do things to distract yourself from this man that makes you feel good. Go for a run, go treat yourself to a girly night out/in, find a new hobby.

@Burnedbeyondbelief

I don’t want to always have him on my mind. The problem is I always start to remember good things then start to overlook the bad things and then i think maybe it was all my fault and I drove him to meet someone else

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/enlightened-living/201304/self-blame-the-ultimate-emotional-abuse

Thanks I’ll have a read of that today!
I am all shoot the self blame and it is something I want to work on.
Everyone is right that he’s no prize and surely if he loves his GF that much he wouldn’t be doing this.
It’s clouded my thoughts tho that maybe he can love someone but also want to mess about with someone else. It just seems that MN is full of stories of people choosing to cheat but never leaving their partners etc and it’s made me think are there any people out there who truly respect and love someone that much that they wouldn’t consider doing these things. I appreciate people can change their mind about relationships and breakup etc but stringing me along for all this time while playing happy families with her after we broke up is kist depressing. Then after we broke up he spent lots of time trying to work on things with me and I thought that’s what we were doing but turns out I was just easy sex!
All so very grim!!

He is very grim, OP, he can't have much respect for anyone (certainly not for any women!). Try to stop attempting to figure out his thoughts and motivations, he's just a common or garden selfish person who thinks only of himself.

From your original post you obviously have a great deal of insight into the situation but it's (understandably) taking you some time to make the leap from objectively being able to see that he's a in your head to being able to feel it. How are you doing today?

Hi, still feeling totally rubbish. Just replaying our last conversations in my head over and over. About how he couldn’t be in a relationship with me because of how I was in the past with him (wanting the relationship to move forward). And can’t stop thinking about how in love he is with this woman….he spends nearly every evening with her. I couldn’t even get once a week!

It's a real kick in the face when you have a bruised ego. You know that the person was an asshole and you put up with it for years only to be dumped. I've been there and wallowed for some months in self pity and irritation that I didnt listen to my gut and end it.
Your doing ok, you are getting therapy which will stand to you in the next few weeks and months. Explore issues around self worth and self esteem.
Make a commitment to yourself not to unblock him, not to contact him, look at any social media etc get out to the gym, get fit, buy nice pjs and watch any films and shows, find a podcast you like and get out walking. You need to fill the hours of your days when you are not working or looking after your kid. Instead of thinking, replaying, wondering etc start writing everything in a journal. Write and write and write even if it means writing the same thing over and over again..
It will take time, get a calendar up and give yourself six months or even start with a month. Committed to everything that is good for you for that month. Then do the same in August, September etc
YOU will be ok, you will love again someone worthy. Your going to be fine. All this is part of the healing process and remember any contact will set you back. Join a group or start a group of people doing no contact.. believe in yourself , you will love yourself again.

They don't have a perfect relationship. He's trying to shag you.

So this is his idea of true love? making his heart happy, yet he still is actively seeking sex with others?

If that's the best partner he can be, at his supposed happiness, you're better off without him.

It's not you that wasn't good enough. It's him.

I really do appreciate all the comments….they are helping me!
It’s just grim though how I’m feeling. When I found out about her I snooped on her Facebook and she’s young, flowing blond hair, amazing tan, smoking body and all total into her fitness. It just makes me feel total past it! Even though I know he was super attracted to me physically but I’ve lost all me self confidence on that front!

And despite all that he was still cheating on her - she's no idea who he really is and if that's the best he can be with someone - he's just not a good person.

Yes he has cheated on her from the very start. Obviously now I have removed myself from him he well maybe be devoted to her now. I just need to pick my self worth of the floor and try and work on it I guess.

I'd say @Burnedbeyondbelief that unless he is also a young bronzed blond fllowy adonis ... he may at some point worry about who could turn her head !
Don't assume anyone's good looks dictate fidelity or a lasting relationship
Be the best person you can be for you ... leave them to it ! 💐

What are you going to fill your time with? You need a plan! And you need a playlist!

Do you read? I’ve always found getting immersed in a good book helps get me through dark days because my mind gets taken over by someone else’s life and attitude.

It’s easy enough to find places to go to but filling the idle hours is harder. Lock your phone downstairs or as far from your bed as possible.

Start being your own lover. Buy yourself treats, make yourself tea and find a nice blanket to wrap yourself up in. Literally talk to yourself lovingly. If you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror, smile and pay yourself a compliment. I know this sounds utterly bonkers but it will help to reprogramme your brain about what to expect in a relationship, and what to tolerate.
It’s hard to do at first but after a while you won’t accept any man who treats you less well than you treat yourself and this jackass will seem like gum on your shoe.